to think dh is being selfish

[exbrummie]

Dd (19)has a job involving late finishes of 11pm. She can't drive and buses here are crap and stop at about 8 pm.
Most nights she gets a lift with a colleague but he doesn't work fridays .
Dh said he didn't mind picking her up on a Friday as he doesn't have to get up for work on Saturday.
Today he has decided that this was a tempory arrangement and he will stop soon.
This will mean dd has to get a taxi home.

AIBU to be annoyed that a) he has gone back on his word and b) he would care about his daughter getting home?
She is on minimum wage so the taxi fares will eat into that.
He has form for selfish behavior.
I know the answer is she learns to drive which is in the pipeline but until then I think he should put himself out for her,I would do it in a heartbeat if I could drive.

And who is the common denominator in that?

He is seemingly but if there could be many different reasons for that.

He might be a prick
Your children could have picked up on your resentment over the years

But nothing looks likely to improve without changes in the family dynamics.

Why take a job if she can't get herself home? Perhaps she couldn't get one closer to home, for various reasons.

It isn't particularly hard to collect your daughter from work, is it.

I'm actually beginning to feel a bit sorry for the husband, which I suspect isn't the point of the thread.

If he feels like none of you actually like him, it might explain some of his behavior.

Poor guy.

She should use some of the money she's earned to pay for a taxi. At 19 she is more than old enough to make her own independent arrangements for getting to and from work.

I am rather surprised that your husband doesn't want to pick your daughter up, once a week doesn't seem too much, especially as he doesn't have to get up early the next day. Have you talked to him about it and told him that you worry about your daughter coming home late on her own? If he knows it will reassure you maybe he will reconsider? However, if he won't then there doesn't seem to be much that you can do about it. Is there any chance of your daughter changing her working hours? Or have driving lessons maybe with a view to getting her own car one day?

your parents may have been selfish but the OP's DH isn't being so on this occasion, in my opinion. He just isn't indulging his adult daughter.

So it is indulging someone to collect them from work, is it? MY dh used to collect me from work (same time), as there was no other way to get home. We couldn't afford a taxi & he was happy to do it.

I could imagine if the op was posting that she couldn't take a job as her dh wouldn't collect her, late at night, then we would be reading a totally different thread!

It strikes me as far more likely that the H is an abusive bully who likes to upset the rest of the family whenever possible. The reason the OP is coming across as helpless, whiny and resentful is because this man has made her that way. He's isolated her by insisting on a move to an area with inadequate public transport, won't allow her any money of her own, promises to help DD with lifts then withdraws the promise in a way so as to cause maximum anxiety - the OP's depressiion is going to be at least partly, if not entirely, caused by years of bullying and belittlting and hammering home the message that she is worthless. The DD will probably be more at risk of abusive relationships, as well.

OP it would probably be best for you to see your GP again. Go back on your meds and then when they kick in, have a chat to Women's AId. You don't have to spend the rest of your life letting this man crush you completely.

There are so many contradictions in this thread. OP can't commit to a job, but would be well enough to pick up an adult from work every Friday night. The daughter can't afford a taxi once a week, but has cash for driving lessons, a car, insurance, tax, maintainence of the vehicle, etc.

sgb, the husband has only said he will stop the lifts soon. I don't see how this is done to maliciously cause upset. He hardly decided he wasn't going to do it 10 mins before he was supposed to leave that evening.

Oh OP come on! Threatening to delete something off the Sky box is bullying?! Please. I must be the biggest baddest bitch ever - I've just deleted all DH's MOtD without asking...

Why would you do that? perhaps it isn't bullying, but isn't isn't actually a very nice thing to do, is it?

She seems to have been happily accepting lifts for 19 years,

really? 'happily accepted' .. what like school runs, days out, trips to the dr, dentist, etc?

If you have kids you have a commitment to get them places.
If you drive, that is how you fulfil that commitment, so no, she hasn't been happily accepting lifts for 19yrs. At least the majority of those years were essential travel!!

If he feels like none of you actually like him, it might explain some of his behavior.

Are we reading the same thread? He is controlling wrt money at the very least, and you think that is because the op doesn't like him?

I would say it was the other way around.

I gave up around page 6 but from what I read the relationship between OP and her husband sounds terrible.

However I'm constantly amazed by posters who are shocked at the idea of adults who also happen to be their offspring being at risk if they are out late (and that 11 is late?) in the dark. Are we talking about Transylvania here?

I don't think husband is at all unreasonable saying I am not prepared to commit to being daughter's taxi service every Friday night (bit surprised that so many of you think 11.30 pm is late for him to stay up but that's an irrelevant aside) I don't see any reason why daughter can't pay for a taxi one night or get a cycle or moped. I suspect if she does pay for a taxi OP will probably adjust her board contribution anyway.

SolidGoldBrass Good post.

OP can't commit to a job, but would be well enough to pick up an adult from work every Friday night My friend suffered from depression and while she was capable of something, working full or even part time would have been too much for her.

Her youngest is 7 (her started as PND) & only now does she feel confident enough to work a few hours, starting off with volunteering to ease into things. Yet, at home, she is capable of a lot more. Because it is in her comfort zone.

Dd has some things recorded on the sky box and this afternoon he asked when she was going to watch them her reply was "soon" or something to that effect. He said he would delete them if she didn't watch them soon. Just nastiness

Oh come on that is neither nastiness or bullying. We don't have any cable subscription but this to me is no more than in the days of videos when any one of my husband, son or I had said we're running out of tapes if you're not going to watch [insert long forgotten and very unlikely to be watched show]I'm taping over it.

Right read all the way through. This sounds like a terrible marriage and neither party is doing much to make it work.

OP citing examples of what you consider selfishness from 15 years' ago says a lot about your relationship. On the finger being slammed in a door I'd have called a taxi/ambulance/ asked a neighbour. I would have let husband know but I doubt very much I'd be calling him out of work. You have an outside job . You possibly don't appreciate the reality of working life. Depending on your husband's job dropping everything because of a no doubt very painful but not serious injury may simply not have been an option. I've always worked and I can easily imagine scenarios where if that had happened to our son where for both of us it would be "I'll get there when I can" not "I'll drop everything"

I grant you he sounds very controlling with money. The checking receipts is awful. On the other hand the examples of looking for a non-metered parking space isn't that unreasonable. Neither my husband nor I would do that but then we had 2 very good full time wages and 1 child. If we'd had 1 wage supporting 4 we might have been more careful.

Exactly different,the two things are totally different.
To the poster who asked about how the cost of learning to drive,getting a car etc her grandad has said her will pay for lessons,which is very nice of him.

Why would you do that? perhaps it isn't bullying, but isn't isn't actually a very nice thing to do, is it?

Because I'm a nasty bully!

Or because there was 21 hours of MotD and no room for anything else (like MotD2, tonight) and I know my DH well enough to know he was never going to watch them. I've done it before and he doesn't care. He's deleted stuff of mine and again IDGAF.

We have DC/SDC old enough to drive, plus run a family car. Having driving lessons is dirt cheap compared to buying/running a car. If £7 per week for a cab is too much, your DD won't be able to afford a car.

curious, I did the same recently with the 30 or so cookery programmes my DH had stacked up. They'd been there so long that some of them are now being repeated. We're obviously bitches.

It's not the fact that he would delete something his DD has recorded, it's that he threatening to delete it the day after it was recorded.

She was at work when it was on and couldn't possibly have watched it in such a short time, so why did he feel he had to go on at her about it? Was there nothing else he could have deleted if he needed the space to tape something else? (which I don't believe was the reason he did it)

He was just going on for the sake of it.

Out of all the things you've said about him OP, the worst for me is that once he's made up his mind he won't discuss anything further. That isn't right at all, who does he think he fucking is? Lord and master of all he surveys and his word is law?

What happens when you dare to speak up? Has anything ever happened where you've put your foot down and told him to go fuck himself you're not going along with something?

I can see both sides in this thread.

it has struck a cord that when op has been insulted, she hasn't retaliated. Just like water off a ducks back, as if it's something the op puts up with and accepts. you're better than that op. Have confidence.

For the dh, I do definitely feel it must get him down being the sole Earner and driver. Yes, op does housework but that's comparing 2 hours work to eight.

For the examples you cite regarding his bad behaviour. Controlling your money is shocking, awful. But the example about dd hospital, the parking, the recordings are ridiculous and not bad behaviour.

Like others have said, get on top of your depression, then take it from there.

Good luck x

Just to add to the many who are now saying that some of your examples are definitely off (access to joint money), and some of the examples just sound a bit like a grumpy or tight man at work (e.g. parking in unmetered spaces, the skybox).

Like someone has already said, it seems like your reality has been understandably distorted over time. Maybe one of the good things perhaps to come from this thread is to make it clear to you that at some point, if it ever does come to your word against his, that you need get some help from someone else in rl who knows both you and your dh (not one of your children) to go through what is and isn't bullying/nasty behaviour examples. Maybe take your time from now and start to write examples down as you remember them, then get this help to delete the minor examples. Maybe the list of 'bad' stuff will also help strengthen your resolve if you decide to make a big step.

And the other big thing is getting help for your depression as soon as - good luck