to think dh is being selfish

[exbrummie]

Dd (19)has a job involving late finishes of 11pm. She can't drive and buses here are crap and stop at about 8 pm.
Most nights she gets a lift with a colleague but he doesn't work fridays .
Dh said he didn't mind picking her up on a Friday as he doesn't have to get up for work on Saturday.
Today he has decided that this was a tempory arrangement and he will stop soon.
This will mean dd has to get a taxi home.

AIBU to be annoyed that a) he has gone back on his word and b) he would care about his daughter getting home?
She is on minimum wage so the taxi fares will eat into that.
He has form for selfish behavior.
I know the answer is she learns to drive which is in the pipeline but until then I think he should put himself out for her,I would do it in a heartbeat if I could drive.

We (i and dh) both drive but we 'only' have one car so we give each other lifts. We are both adults, in early 50s (grin).
I think he is a bit mean. If he wants to teach herr that nothing in life is free then how about she pays for the petrol?

OP, are you getting treatment for your depression?

I was on anti depressants but have come off them as I thought I was doing OK. But maybe I need a rethink.

If you can't work because some days you can't get out of bed then you do need to start taking your medicine again.

Imagine I said

"I have cancer and was having chemotherapy for my tumours but I stopped as the tumours had shrunk. They've started growing again - should I go back to the doctors for more chemotherapy?"

What would you say?

You have an illness. You need medicine.

As an aside - could you try doing some home working (even if it is just surveys etc) to start getting yourself your own money (even if it is just pennies - you can still use those pennies for the bus home if you want to.) I suspect that if you felt less "trapped" you would feel happier.

I agree with Mumoftwo. You can't say you're doing OK if there are days you can't get out of bed. I suspect that if you could get into the habit of going to work, starting with regular volunteering, you would start to feel better about yourself.

But I don't think DH is being unreasonable. It must be complete pain never being able to go out on a Friday after a week's work, or have a drink, or have an early night because you've got to provide a taxi service for an adult child. I can't see why she doesn't get a bike or a scooter.

If you have managed to hide the condition from adult children living at home and can volunteer then surely when back on the meds you can work? Your own wage could be used for driving lessons, hobbies etc which sounds like it would make a big difference to your life.

I dont think he is being selfish as such, if he has to do all the driving and working for the household he is entited to say no at times. Late friday he must be tired. It may also teach your daughter to be more indepndant and rely on herself and not another adult.

I'd do it as long as i knew DS didnt rely on it and wouldnt think twice about making his own arrangements if i was out etc.

So he has a car but won't give his daughter a lift home from work once a week? If she's on minimum wage trying to save up, a taxi will eat into her income.

I think he's selfish. It sounds like he only does things that will benefit himself. Yes, she's 19 and should be able to do stuff for herself (and it sounds as if she does, having got a job and organised transport the rest of the week), but she probably won't have a very good memory of her father.

I say this because my father was the same. I had a summer job before I went to uni, getting a taxi wasn't even on my radar and there was no public transport. So I cycled there and back. It was about 10 miles. I did back shift so had to cycle home at about 10pm. Father had a car but couldn't be bothered most of the time, mother couldn't drive but being quite self sufficient I just cycled. One night I got hit by a car and ended up in hospital. My mother never forgave my father.

I don't have a good impression of my father. You can't help comparing them to friend's father who care enough to make more effort. Its not as if she's expecting him to run around after her, picking her up from parties and nights out. Its her first job fgs.

Even in the middle of summer, it's dark at 11pm. I am surprised that people are advising a 19 year old to cycle home at that time.

I hadn't read Melon's post before I posted.

My dp thinks he's selfish and he is the breadwinner,long hours etc.

He said he wouldn't want me out picking up at 11pm or dd getting on buses/in taxis alone at that hour.He said he'd worry she'd save the money and walk.

If I made him an extra nice cup of coffee Sat morning he'd do it in a heartbeat.You don't stop helping your kids at 19. She's struggled to get a job,he'd want to encourage her to keep working.

Op - I think you are mixing up your feeings about how your Dh treats you, how you would cope in this situation, and how your DH treats your DD, ho your DD treats him and how she can cope.

Long term, it's rather unfair of your 19 year old DD to take a job she can only do if other people pick her up. You said she's paying board, if that is full market rates, then she ould be no worse off for looking to move out of your home closer to work. If is not, then your DH is already subsidising her, it's not unreasonable to tell her to arrange to get to/from work herself - it sounds like the taxi ould be less than £10, if she makes more than £10 that shift and still can afford to pay her board, then she's up on the deal and has to accept transporting yourself and budgetting for it is part of being an adult.

If you haven't worked for a long time and your DH controls all the money in the family, the fact that as an adult, your DD can sort her own work issues without input from your DH probably seems alien. She'll be fine. She might have to have a grown up conversation at work and see if she can change shifts now, if not suck up paying for the taxi until she can, or if it's not worth it, look to move out of your home to one nearer to work (working out if that is financially worth it).

For you, think about seriously if you could start reentering the work place. Being in an environment with someone else controlling your actions (via money and access to transport), is not going to help you. You might find you have more confidence and are happier if you do. Can you start with voluntary work?

Even in the middle of summer, it's dark at 11pm. I am surprised that people are advising a 19 year old to cycle home at that time.

Why? Hundreds, if not thousands, of teenagers regularly go out late at the weekends and manage to get themselves home in the middle of the night. DD has a pub job which means she is regularly working till midnight, and she does it. There has to come a time when teenagers stop relying on their parents for a taxi service.

I think some posters need to get over their obvious chip re SAHMs.I haven't worked for a few years but I have equal control over the purse strings and why shouldn't I?

I funded many things when he was a student and enable him to do his job without shelling out on childcare and a shed load of other stuff.

As it is we're a team so share everything and don't begrudge each other anything.As a strong family unit we also help each other and our children out whenever we can which are qualities I'd like my dc to develop as adults themselves.

Oh and do some posters realise how tough it is for kids out there as regards jobs and saving for the future at the moment?

Op's husband sounds like a spoilt brat.

I don't understand this thread.

If your dhs (adults) have been unemployed for months and then he manages to find a job and he works hard and one of his shifts is night what are you doing? Will you say ' you are an adult i can not pick you up' or 'we ll find a way as a family to keep your job' in this climate.
Sometimes you do the practical thing.

It is only once a week, he could help her at least for 5-6 weeks until she finds a solution?

Also, OP keeps saying that she has a bad depression and posters still keep being harsh on her.

Exactly Laq she can't help it.

If she had something physical there would be understanding.

I'm also wondering if she wasn't a sahm her depression would gain some empathy.

Op has committed the cardinal MN sin- she is a sahm with depression.Tut tut.

The fact that the OP has depression doesn't mean that her DH has to be a saint, though. Yes, she stays at home and he works. He has supported the household for how long? It is possible to have empathy for both of them. The fact that I feel for the OP doesn't mean that I therefore think that her DH should do a full time job, stay up until 11pm on the Friday and ferry his adult, capable, 19 yo around. He has been doing it for a while, hasn't he?

And another sin Retro: she doesnt drive.
In mn everybody has car! Nobody gives lift. Ever.
As i said earlier we both drive but we have one car. So we give lifts to each other. And to the dcs. And to my elderly parents.
And i put my familys safety above theories i.e. she is 19, she should walk or cycle even in the night etc. Lots of things can happen in the night. Yes to adults too. I can be strict on other things i.e. housekeeping chores etc but i would give a bloody lift.

Exactly Lac.

Only 1 car here too. Dp cycles 12 miles to work several days a week so I can have said car some days(in order to do things for our family).

Best string me up now!

Laq

If DD has struggled to find a job until recently and OP can't work due to her illness, then who has been financially supporting her?

I'm guessing that would be the "selfish" and unsupportive DH?

It is only once a week, he could help her at least for 5-6 weeks until she finds a solution?

But she has a solution. She can get a taxi. Laquitar, would you really commit yourself to a lift at 11 pm every Friday night after a full week's work, no matter how tired you may be, no matter whether you might want to go out or maybe have an unwinding drink? And even if you are the only person in the family who drives so that you never get a break from giving people lifts?

I think some of the (inexcusable) criticising came because the OP said she is a SAHM. IMO, she's not a SAHM; she is ill with depression, so effectively off sick. All the work at home is falling on her - the ill person - despite there being 2 almost adult children in the house and as far as I can read, a perfectly healthy man. He sounds lazy.

OP, hope you didn't take some of the comments too harshly. Not everyone on here knows how to be empathetic.

My dc are19 and nearly 16. Admittedly my ds is a very large rugby player and I'd have few concerns about his safety. But, I'd still pick him up if he needed a lift at 11pm and I wouldn't dream of letting my dd now or at 19 used public transport in a lonely, rural area late at night and neither would DH. Neither DH nor I were as well cared for as our DC are and both envied contemporaries whose parents were far more helpful and supportive and both felt awkward that sometimes we were given lifts week after week by friends' kind parents and wished the favour could have been returned. I am now that kind parent and I feel deeply sorry for some of my children's friends.

FWIW I do work full-time and I also do everything related to the house and domestic stuff but I do about 20 hours less of paid work than my DH. Our hours are probably about 45pw/65-70pw. It's fine I take charge domestically because we are a team and we both play an equal part in that team.

If I was working full-time and my DH wasn't and was telling me he was too tired to get up some days due to depression I'm afraid he'd get very short shrift from me. He'd have a doctor's appointment made for him and I would ensure he was receiving optimum treatment to keep him well and to keep him as active in mind and body as possible. I'm pretty sure DH would feel exactly the same if it were me.

Surely we all owe it to ourselves to ensure we are as healthy as possible by ensuring we receive optimum treatment if we are ill. I can understand if people really are too ill to cope if they are optimally medicated but I just don't understand how anyone can chose not to be optimally medicated but this is a hard one for me because I can't understand either how you can be too exhausted to get up in the morning if you don't work for a living. Even when I am exhausted and just want to roll over; or when I have been bereaved (so bereaved my obstetrician wanted to refer me to a psychiatrist), I have had to force myself to get up and get on with it for the sake of others and to fulfil responsibilities.

If the OP is as ill and depressed as she claims how can it possibly be a secret the children don't know about?

There seems to be a lot going on at a lot of levels here and I'm not sure where the cause lies and what the effect is.

Near you clearly know nothing about depression.

I'm lucky enough not to have it but even I know just getting on with it often isn't possible.If it was that easy the millions suffering from it wouldn't be.

There was a lovely thing written by Stephen Fry on this subject going round Facebook recently.

I'm guessing there's a lot more to this than the OP has said, but honestly, a 19 year old is capable of budgeting for one taxi a week out of her wages. She's saving money every other night getting a lift. Everyone has transport costs for work and paying them is part of being an adult and having a job.

I wouldn't have dreamt of asking my parents to pick me up from a job at that time of night, and my mum wouldn't have entertained it for a second if I had asked!