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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think dh is being selfish

324 replies

exbrummie · 25/04/2014 22:57

Dd (19)has a job involving late finishes of 11pm. She can't drive and buses here are crap and stop at about 8 pm.
Most nights she gets a lift with a colleague but he doesn't work fridays .
Dh said he didn't mind picking her up on a Friday as he doesn't have to get up for work on Saturday.
Today he has decided that this was a tempory arrangement and he will stop soon.
This will mean dd has to get a taxi home.

AIBU to be annoyed that a) he has gone back on his word and b) he would care about his daughter getting home?
She is on minimum wage so the taxi fares will eat into that.
He has form for selfish behavior.
I know the answer is she learns to drive which is in the pipeline but until then I think he should put himself out for her,I would do it in a heartbeat if I could drive.

OP posts:
DisgraceToTheYChromosome · 27/04/2014 11:16

if I go shopping he asks for the receipt s and the change.

And there we have it. OP: I read the whole thread because I thought that so many posts on a minor matter would mean a bunfight/RTFT fail/hidden agenda.

Your depression sounds like a reactive one caused by living with a man who doesn't like you or the children except in so far as he can play dominanance games. I've had depression of varying severity throughout my life, ranging from angry gloom to full on dissociated panic attacks. It can be managed. In my case, ADs as a first step, then therapy, then stopping drinking, and last but not least dealing with the toxicity in my life and work.

Please OP, see the GP. When you can feel the meds working, either LTB or rip him a new one. The pps who suggested you get a grip? Shame on them. Perhaps they should try putting on a full scuba rig while suffering a hangover and being repeatedly punched in the stomach, which is the best way I can describe my own illness.

The thing with DD and DH is between them, but tbh she already knows he's a twat. If he wasn't a twat he wouldn't have offered help and then deliberately withdrawn it to cause maximum upset. I bet as soon as the extra shift came up he chose the option that allowed him the most control, rather than working out the most convenient.

One last thing: your DS is getting to the point where he'll punch his father. He'll probably do it defending you. Best not let that happen.

Courage.

coolcookie · 27/04/2014 11:25

She does the housework when she is well enough happy. Her dh moans when she is too ill to do it. Her children may help but I bet they don't do alot.
I am sure being the only driver and erner is frustrating but I bet he doesn't lift a finger around the house.

Too many people make judgments on things they have no experience of.

coolcookie · 27/04/2014 11:26

Earn

coolcookie · 27/04/2014 11:26

Earner

riskit4abiskit · 27/04/2014 11:34

Could there be a compromise? E.g she gets lift if weather terrible or she is feeling ill or its freezing in winter otherwise she will cycle?

Perhaps your dp is shooting himself in the foot - she's not likely to give him lifts once she can drive if he wont now (e.g if he went to a wedding and wanted to drink). What about when you are both older and might need lifts to medical appointments, shopping etc? What goes around comes around. In our family we all take turns

IamInvisible · 27/04/2014 11:50

Soontobesix. I would be happy with my 19yo cycling at 11pm because in 2 months time he will be in the Army. Last night he went out with his mates. He left the house at 10pm and got home at 4:17am. (I know that because he dropped a jar of jam on the kitchen floor and woke me up!) he walked the last 0.7 of a mile home because that's where the taxi dropped him off!

Some of DS1's friends work in pubs and bars and walk home later than 11pm, some live away from home at university, some are even parents themselves. 19 is not a child!

Original poster
exbrummie · 27/04/2014 12:09

She has already said she won't be giving him a lift anywhere when she can drive,and I don't blame her.

OP posts:
saintlyjimjams · 27/04/2014 12:12

I cycled a lot at 19 as I didn't have a car & lived away from home. A lot later than 11pm as well. I would never have been able to go out otherwise.

Icimoi · 27/04/2014 12:20

My husband gets a bit twitchy if the sky box is full but i cant believe your husband is going to delete her programmes how disrespectful

Why? Presumably he pays the subscription.

She has already said she won't be giving him a lift anywhere when she can drive,and I don't blame her.

There's charming. She seems to have been happily accepting lifts for 19 years, but when he says he gives her due warning that he's going to stop turning out at 11 every Friday night suddenly all that's forgotten. I think you both need to have a think about your attitudes, particular if you genuinely accept YABU.

itsbetterthanabox · 27/04/2014 12:24

If you are a sahm then the income your partner makes should be shared. You should have equal access to it. Then you can give dd the money for the taxi home once a week. Dh should do it most of the time but if he's tired etc the you pay for a taxi. Why would he have an issue with that?

AgentZigzag · 27/04/2014 12:24

If you think he doesn't like you or your DC exbrum, why do you think he stays?

HappyMummyOfOne · 27/04/2014 12:40

"She has already said she won't be giving him a lift anywhere when she can drive,and I don't blame her"

So she has spat her dummy out as she cant get her own way despite her father driving her everywhere for the last nineteen years and paying for her every need. What a lovely spoilt attitude.

You should be encouraging your DD to be independant so that she grows onto a woman who can look after and provide for herself rather than simply looking for a man to do it.

Original poster
exbrummie · 27/04/2014 12:43

Because I cook his meals and wash and iron his clothes.

OP posts:
HappyMummyOfOne · 27/04/2014 12:48

It comes across that you despise him, if thats the case why would you not end the relationship? Whilst you believe he stays as you cook and iron, surely you have stayed as he has allowed you not to work for years as you admit you were a SAHM for the school years due to his income.

Perhaps he doesnt want to move out as he has pays for the house and everything in it.

Original poster
exbrummie · 27/04/2014 12:54

It's not just this instance though.
Icimoi that is his attitude too. Very wearing when you don't earn so have no say in anything.

OP posts:
OnlyLovers · 27/04/2014 12:59

When I was 18/19 I had a job that finished late. My employer used to drive me home and if he'd stopped doing so for any reason, I think I'd have had to quit the job. I didn't drive and it was too late for buses. I wouldn't have dreamed of asking my parents for a lift or taxi money. So in that sense I think YABU (or your DD is).

HOWEVER, this thread is obviously not really about that. All the examples you give of small nastiness/cruelty/controlling, like deleting your DD's telly shows and refusing to go to A&E, are quite worrying, but I find this one really alarming: I have access to the joint account but have to account for every penny if I go shopping he asks for the receipt s and the change.

He obviously thinks he's entitled to have total control over you.

Disgrace has some good advice. See your doctor and ask for help. Be strong. You deserve better treatment than this, really you do.

HappyMummyOfOne · 27/04/2014 13:03

But you can change that. If you have managed to keep your illness hidden from the children who are adults pretty much then surely with meds you could work? Work brings many benefits, both financially and emotionally.

Then you could learn to drive and share the responsibility. You and your daughter could learn together and support each other.

IamInvisible · 27/04/2014 13:42

She has already said she won't be giving him a lift anywhere when she can drive,and I don't blame her.

That is really bad and incredibly brattish imo. I hope that your DD's car never brakesdown because it will be her dad she turns to, not you. If she wants someone to help her to learn to drive, you won't be any use , but her dad will, when he sticks 2 fingers up you will be the one whinging.

Yes, he sounds like an arse over the money, but bloody hell he does not have to be a taxi driver every single Friday night!

AgentZigzag · 27/04/2014 13:46

Why are you encouraging someone who says they don't feel confident enough to drive to take it up HappyM?

I don't understand why you'd want someone on the roads who feels like that about driving, at the same time as saying she doesn't want to drive. She is allowed to make that choice.

Also, why don't you believe her when she says it's not possible for her to start a job? She's said she knows she'd end up letting her employers down because of her illness as well as causing her distress she can't cope with. How can that still be an option.

The driving is her (valid) choice, but being ill isn't.

Itsfab · 27/04/2014 13:53

This is another thread where the poster is having a moan about their husband and it turns out there is a much bigger issue.

It would be hard but if you aren't willing to move you have to accept the crap that is your life Sad.

MrsTerryPratchett · 27/04/2014 13:56

It sounds like you and your DD against him. Really, really unhealthy all around.

I agree that a SAHM should have access to family money. However, are you a SAHM when your children are adults?

People seem to want it all ways. Either the OP is a SAHM in which case, get a job because the chicks are flying now OR you are too ill to work in which case the DH is a carer shouldering the burden to support his ill wife and family and should have the support that all carers deserve. Yes, the OP does some housework but how much is there when the girls help out and there are no youngsters in the house?

This selfish, evil, controlling bastard is certainly not allowed feelings of his own... Frustration, worry about money, tiredness, wanting his own space and time, wanting to promote the independence of his girls so they don't end up relying on a man for everything...

The controlling of money is a worry. OP hasn't told us how tight things are and, unless he is a pretty high-powered type, surely there must be a little worry with only one earner.

AmberLeaf · 27/04/2014 14:07

I know this is AIBU, but some of these replies are dreadful.

ilovesooty · 27/04/2014 14:32

It sounds as though no one much likes anyone else and it's a really unhappy house to live in.

Perhaps OP your first priority is to get medical help again then see if you can find the strength to make changes. I would think that living elsewhere must be better than the life you have now.

Original poster
exbrummie · 27/04/2014 15:12

Sooty,I like my DC and they like me(I hope!)
It does sound from that we all gang up on dh but honestly he is a hard person to like.

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 27/04/2014 15:17

Sorry I didn't mean to imply that you and your children don't like each other, Blush but it does sound as though there's little love lost between you and your husband and between your husband and children at any rate.