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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think dh is being selfish

324 replies

exbrummie · 25/04/2014 22:57

Dd (19)has a job involving late finishes of 11pm. She can't drive and buses here are crap and stop at about 8 pm.
Most nights she gets a lift with a colleague but he doesn't work fridays .
Dh said he didn't mind picking her up on a Friday as he doesn't have to get up for work on Saturday.
Today he has decided that this was a tempory arrangement and he will stop soon.
This will mean dd has to get a taxi home.

AIBU to be annoyed that a) he has gone back on his word and b) he would care about his daughter getting home?
She is on minimum wage so the taxi fares will eat into that.
He has form for selfish behavior.
I know the answer is she learns to drive which is in the pipeline but until then I think he should put himself out for her,I would do it in a heartbeat if I could drive.

OP posts:
gobbynorthernbird · 25/04/2014 23:40

I do think your DD needs to sort out her own arrangements, including paying for a cab if it comes to that. We have often picked up the DC/DSC (sometimes at ridiculous times of night), but certainly wouldn't want to do it every Friday night.

arethereanyleftatall · 25/04/2014 23:40

If you have chosen not to work (although this might be wrong but you haven't said how old your kids,are) and chosen not to learn to drive, then I can see your dhs point. It must be frustrating for him being the only driver in the house.

Zazzles007 · 25/04/2014 23:40

My parents are incredibly selfish as well, and this would have happened in my household growing up as well.

Since he has form for selfish behaviour, he has taught both you and your daughter that he/family (and thus other people) cannot be relied on, even if they have given your their word. You will have been taught to be too self reliant, too^ self-responsible. A very bad role model for your DC, I suspect.

Original poster
exbrummie · 25/04/2014 23:41

Freak in, he is tight with the money(as if you hadn't already guessed that) and you are right I do have bigger problems than the lift thing it is just another thing to add to the list.

OP posts:
gobbynorthernbird · 25/04/2014 23:44

As for the money, I would be extremely annoyed if one of the adult DC/DSC were allowed to use 'our' cash for getting themselves home from work regularly. I don't think as an isolated incident that the OPs DH is being unreasonable.

arethereanyleftatall · 25/04/2014 23:44

I agree with everything woo woo owl says. As usual.

WooWooOwl · 25/04/2014 23:44

Does he have form for being selfish or does he just get accused of being selfish despite the fact that he's the only one who works and drives when he's actually just making a reasonable personal choice?

BerniesBurneze · 25/04/2014 23:44

Yabu - she should get a taxi and pay for it herself

claraschu · 25/04/2014 23:45

DD should cycle home.

OP should to feel that joint money is just as much hers as her husband's.

Original poster
exbrummie · 25/04/2014 23:45

I also suffer from depression which makes working difficult(I did say that in a previous post)

OP posts:
FreakinScaryCaaw · 25/04/2014 23:46

Sorry to hear that. I hope you can find a solution?

WooWooOwl · 25/04/2014 23:47

If you have your reasons for not working, then that's fine, but it does seem a bit much to then accuse the driver/worker of being selfish for not wanting to go out to collect an adult at 11.00 every Friday night.

3littlefrogs · 25/04/2014 23:47

OP. I wonder why you suffer from depression?
I feel sad for you.

Original poster
exbrummie · 25/04/2014 23:48

Yes I have made the connection don't worry

OP posts:
3littlefrogs · 25/04/2014 23:50

I really wasn't being sarcastic OP.
Are you going to do anything about it?
You only get one life.

Original poster
exbrummie · 25/04/2014 23:51

He may be the one who goes out to work but I do all the housework/cooking etc and I mean all.

OP posts:
3littlefrogs · 25/04/2014 23:51

If nothing else, encourage your dd to be independent and build her own life.

Nanny0gg · 25/04/2014 23:51

He offered.

And my DH wouldn't think twice about coming to pick me up in the same circumstance.

And I'm considerably older than your DD!

3littlefrogs · 25/04/2014 23:52

So you should be an equal partner.

Original poster
exbrummie · 25/04/2014 23:53

I didn't mean that to come across like that 3littlefrogs,I just meant I'm not so blind not to see the two things are connected.

OP posts:
LettertoHermioneGranger · 25/04/2014 23:54

In my personal view I would think your dh is being unreasonable. It's fair that she's 19 and can sort her own way home, I just can't imagine not doing something like that for a member of my family. My parents would certainly pick me up once a week from work, I'm 22. And I think the real kicker is agreeing and then deciding it was only temporary.

But I don't see the reason for you to pay the taxi, either. It isn't far, and transportation costs are just part of what your daughter's wages are meant to be paying. It's pretty typically for some hours' work to only pay the cost of getting to work; it's worth it to have a job. Paying the taxi for her seems bizarre to me, actually. Where picking her up is a nice thing to do rather than her having to take a cab, paying for the cab is unnecessary.

Basically I think your husband is being unreasonable but he has the right and it's fair for your daughter to take, and pay for, a taxi once a week.

Garcia10 · 25/04/2014 23:54

Zazzles007 - your parents may have been selfish but the OP's DH isn't being so on this occasion, in my opinion. He just isn't indulging his adult daughter.

She has a number of other options - learning to drive, cycling, taxis, using public transport.

She is 19 not a child!!

Perhaps he is trying to teach her a life lesson. Something which more parents of adult children should do.

3littlefrogs · 25/04/2014 23:55

exbrummie - please don't apologise.
I just feel a great sense of sadness when I read your posts.
I sense that your life is hard and you deserve better.

MrsTerryPratchett · 25/04/2014 23:55

Maybe this is a good experience for your DD. Teach her to learn to drive, earn and spend her own money, so that she doesn't end up dependent on a 'selfish' partner in the future.

Garcia10 · 25/04/2014 23:56

exbrummie - how many children do you have? And what are their ages