Moved in with parents, parents installing doors and locks and banning us from certain rooms

[seriouslyhadenough]

We (me, DH and two children - 3 & 2) moved in with parents three weeks ago (financial reasons mainly - either this or be homeless - long story - another thread maybe).

They have converted part of the house to give us bedrooms and living area with open plan kitchen space.

However since we moved in things are extremely fraught whereby we have been banned from certain areas of the house which would sort of be fine if it were just me and DH but with two young children it is proving exceptionally stressful.

For example they have put a lock on their kitchen door so we cant go out the back door into the garden. Instead we have to go out the front door, open a huge gate, all round the back of the house (big house), another gate and into the garden. Again fine if just us but getting two small children around there with all the bits and bobs they want is hard (and don't mention when DD needs a wee and having to drag them both all the way back round again).

They have a water table play thing which means we have to fill up a bucket in our sink, carry it down a flight of stairs through two baby gates, through the house, out into the porch, out the front door, shutting all doors behind us, through the big gate, around the back of the house, through another gate to the garden. It needs three refills... and there is a sink just inside the back door.

DF has said things like "I came down stairs this afternoon and found him (DH) sitting on our sofa" as if it were the crime of the century. DH was just trying to get w Wi-Fi connection as where we are on the house the signal isn't good. That's when the doors and bolts went up.

Trying to explain to two small children why they aren't allowed in certain parts of the house is hard (particularly when they were allowed in them before we moved in).

I am genuinely confused whether IABU? I am frankly in tears after the last debacle of complaints about a few grains of sand on the floor from DD playing in the sandpit :-( :-(

DH and I are arguing because I am trying to get him to obey their wishes and it is causing me a great deal of stress.

seriously that all sounds very bizarre. Are your parents generally normal, reasonable types?

Tricky, but their house their rules, no matter how unreasonable they seem, IMO.

I assume that this is meant to be a temporary arrangement?
How long will it be before you are able to move out?

DF can be a bit grumpy as all DFs can be I think! But generally yes, normal.

I am so very stressed with all the issues that have led us to having to move in here that I am worried I am losing perspective on this and over-reacting but I don't think I am. It is adding to my stress levels so much I feel I am losing the ability to cope :-(

They sound very controlling and uptight. My parents are the same and would probably do similar if we lived with them. I remember once when I lived at home my dad went absolutely bat shit crazy because I allowed a visiting friend to use the upstairs loo.

In your position I would be looking to move out as soon as possible. It won't do your stress levels any good, it will be bad for your relationship, and it's not good for your DCs having to witness you tip toeing around and having to obey weird rules.

It sounds like they offered (did they offer?) for you to move in and are now regretting it. But still, bizarre behaviour instead of being reasonable and just explaining, eg, why they want the kitchen door shut.

Thattime yes I agree which is why I am torn.

Probably a couple of years Happy .....

Oh dear.
As someone who had to stay with a relative or be homeless,unfortunately beggars cn't be choosers.
It's horrible for you but clearly the stress has freked everyone out. If they have made these changes since you arrived then they are clearly unhappy about how it's going.

I think you need to be open and honest. Tell them you appreciate their altering thir home etc but that you feel unwelcome. Ask what can be done to make it better for everyone.

It is exceptionally stressful sharing your home with someone, as you are beginning to see. You have to talk to them about it and agree some ground rules or this is going to be a real disaster for all parties I'm afraid. The locking out is not on, but if they don't want to share certain parts of the space, then that's ok too. You need to tackle it face on with a really good talk - is there someone neutral who could help?

Their explanation is "these are our rooms". Which is fair enough. But it is making day-to-day living so very difficult for us with two LOs .

Yes they did offer and did all the work to convert.

Your parents don't want to share their home, which seems quite reasonable to me. They've gone above and beyond by creating a small home within their home for you to get you out of a horrible situation.

The children will get used to the rules soon enough.

That does all sound very strange and annoying. Is there any way you could move out and rent somewhere else?

Or could you offer to pay for a cleaner to come once or twice a week to clean the whole house (or ground floor) in exchange for free access to the back door the days before? (And take the children out for the day on other days.)

If you have a bathroom, kitchen and living area in your part of the house, are you able to just contain the kids to there? In other words, act as though you are living in a totally separate property to your parents?

I did try to raise it all but it ended in arguing with DF just resorting to "Well what do you want to just have the run of the whole house then and force us into our bedroom?!"

I asked for ground rules and was told "no way am I going to look like an ogre and do that"

Hosepipe from upstairs tap to garden?

Did you not all discuss this thoroughly before moving in? Small children would be in and out all the time, I can't blame them for that. And the mess they make? Who thought this would be a good idea?

Carrie yes that is what we try to do. It is the going out the back door which is causing issues now it is summer and they want to play with their sandpits / water things.

I think we are just going to have to deal with the rigmarole though.

You are right - beggars cant be choosers and I am very very grateful they did all of this.

Hmmm I sympathise but it is their house and you do have your own kitchen space and garden access if inconvenient to get to, I don't think they're ogres. It's temporary, focus on trying to get yourselves sorted out rather than arguing with them. Having a 3 and 2 year old live with you is something many people would just refuse flat out, I know at least one set of our parents would.

It's all a bit Flowers in the Attic, isn't it? Sitting on our sofa...
Really inhospitable, and unworkable for any length of time. How long are you stuck there for?

joules Hmm will check length of hose pipe! There is a window so could work...

If it's a big house then I think dividing it up into 2 households makes a lot of sense.It's bound to take a while for things to settle down and reach an equilibrium.I think it is very stressful for both sides.
To be fair if they have asked you all to keepout of specific areas they want to keep as a sanctuiary for themselves, and they come down the next morning and find your DH has completely disrespected that, then they are bound to feel a bit...I don't know , invaded maybe?

I am just so sad . I am literally the lowest I have been my entire life. I am in true despair. I have so much going on stressful in my life I can hardly bare to get up anymore .

This just isn't helping. But I will try and pick myself up and keep going.

Sorry, have read OP properly now.
As others have said, treat it like a small flat and get outside to parks and toddler groups and walks and bus rides as much as possible. Make life an adventure to discover the local area.

sassy I do agree, this is the problem. I guess I am just confused about it all. Maybe there isn't a right or wrong, just a matter of finding a way that works over time..

Also are you getting out the house enough? I wonder if they feel they aren't getting enough quiet time and a few more trips to the park/playground would help them? If you discussed it from a helping them as they're helping you angle it could help. You don't want to fall out with them.