Moved in with parents, parents installing doors and locks and banning us from certain rooms

[seriouslyhadenough]

We (me, DH and two children - 3 & 2) moved in with parents three weeks ago (financial reasons mainly - either this or be homeless - long story - another thread maybe).

They have converted part of the house to give us bedrooms and living area with open plan kitchen space.

However since we moved in things are extremely fraught whereby we have been banned from certain areas of the house which would sort of be fine if it were just me and DH but with two young children it is proving exceptionally stressful.

For example they have put a lock on their kitchen door so we cant go out the back door into the garden. Instead we have to go out the front door, open a huge gate, all round the back of the house (big house), another gate and into the garden. Again fine if just us but getting two small children around there with all the bits and bobs they want is hard (and don't mention when DD needs a wee and having to drag them both all the way back round again).

They have a water table play thing which means we have to fill up a bucket in our sink, carry it down a flight of stairs through two baby gates, through the house, out into the porch, out the front door, shutting all doors behind us, through the big gate, around the back of the house, through another gate to the garden. It needs three refills... and there is a sink just inside the back door.

DF has said things like "I came down stairs this afternoon and found him (DH) sitting on our sofa" as if it were the crime of the century. DH was just trying to get w Wi-Fi connection as where we are on the house the signal isn't good. That's when the doors and bolts went up.

Trying to explain to two small children why they aren't allowed in certain parts of the house is hard (particularly when they were allowed in them before we moved in).

I am genuinely confused whether IABU? I am frankly in tears after the last debacle of complaints about a few grains of sand on the floor from DD playing in the sandpit :-( :-(

DH and I are arguing because I am trying to get him to obey their wishes and it is causing me a great deal of stress.

I think the stress is getting to you all.
It sounds like they need some space that is just theirs - way from the noise and the bustle of you and the DC. My mum gets a bit fraught if my family is at hers for a day or two - some people just need their peace and quiet. And from their POV, your family coming in has meant that they now have less space and more noise.

Wrt to the sand - is it worth it? Can sand and water play be something that you do somewhere else, if it is going to cause you so much hassle? Or buy a bigger bucket? Maybe take a potty out to the garden for emergency wees, if doing so wont cause confusion wrt to toilet training.

Do get to the dr, op. Your dh should be being more supportive and looking for solutions, not giving you grief about your parents. Best option for you all of you can make it work. It does spud like you're having a very tough time.

Op is there any possiblity you can rent somewhere else.

Otherwise i would try to look at it as though you have rented a flat and there is no 'back door' to your garden And that going downstairs and out the front is just what you do to get to the garden.

It just seems that by locking the back door, they're just being obtuse and bloody minded. I mean, seriously, exactly how much hassle is it to allow people to walk through your kitchen, go out of a door, and then back in again?

Fair enough if they said something like "We'd prefer it if you kept out of our room" but it seems that they are now imposing all these unfair conditions and want you to jump through hoops and walk on eggshells to keep them happy.

Your parents have gone to a very great amount of time/trouble/expense to take you and your family in. They clearly love you a lot.

Don't push it - they've made huge adjustments and it's fair to ask you to make small ones (like go through a gate to get to the garden. Or maybe mend the tap. It's not a big deal to do that.) They may not want to have small children tearing around their sitting room and kitchen all the time - that is more than OK.

I know you're depressed, but that really isn't your parents' fault, prob more to do with the rest of your life, so don't take it out on them. Or you risk screwing up the one thing you've lucked out on.

Mend the tap, see the GP for pills, and worry about gates later. Don't fall out with your parents - and don't let DH get mardy with them either.

Seriously, where is op going to find for 2 adults and 2 dc with garden access for around 300 pm plus bills? Best if you get help for the depression, stop dh complaining about what can't be changed yet and talk to your parents about all getting along better in a pleasant and not accusing way to try and make things better. Do you have a robust financial plan to get out of debt so you can see it reducing and this coming to an end? You will get there!

So they're not doing it out of the goodness of their hearts
Charging rent and a contribution towards converting the house changes the dynamics a fair bit, really.
They're not doing you all that much of a favour at all, are they?

Sorry you're going through all of this.Lots of good suggestions from others but from a practical point of view I'm just checking that all the door locks don't compromise your family's safety in the event of a fire.

And bring a potty to the garden with you for toilet energencies.

seriously have you had good financial advice? Have you thought about going bankrupt while you are there, living on the minimum you have to and then moving forward in a year or so? What about debt repayment plans? Why not go onto one of the debt forums online and find out what the options are- or ring PayPlan or one of the charities and talk through your options?

It sounds to me like financial stress is bringing you to the brink of despair, it does, you are not alone.

I think this set-up is workable, they have created a self-contained environment for you, it's cheap, the only down-side is no direct access into the garden, I'm guessing as they don't want mud and sand trodden through directly all day. This is just not a big deal in the scheme of things, and certainly not worth blowing the whole thing up in the air for at all. The thing with your father is just natural exasperation, just say 'it will take time for us to all work out how to do this' and carry on. Perhaps he would have preferred for your husband to wait til they came home/were present to fix the internet?

These are not deal-breakers, I think you are hyper-anxious and would benefit from a cry to a good friend, to getting in touch with financial help about how to solve your debt problems and setting here and not doing anything drastic- perhaps a trip to the docs as well if you feel depressed.

You will come through this, you are feeling terrible not over a hose (the children don't HAVE to play with the water toy if it is churning up the law, do they?) you are feeling terrible as your life has been imploded. You also feel you are trying to stop your husband annoying your IL's but they will have to find their own way to manage this, which might include the odd cross words.

Inter-generational living can be stressful but nothing you have said sounds like it is undoable. Your stress levels however are something else, so do get help for those.

400 would get you an ok 2 bed flat with garden access round by me. Is the £100 per month saving worth the stress and rejection?

I think you sound massively stressed and down but I don't think they are being that unreasonable. Nor do I think they 'resent' you or 'don't want you there'

I think they have made you your own private self contained home at great expense and you are living there for minimal rent allowing you to get out of the financial mess. This is a very kind thing for them to do

However they also want their own space - if it was a house share you wouldn;t wander into other peoples rooms - would you mind them poking around your rooms?

Try and see the positives - you AREN'T homeless, you can pay off your debts, they care enough to do this for you, it's temporary

"Seriously, where is op going to find for 2 adults and 2 dc with garden access for around 300 pm plus bills"

Garden access isnt essential. I'd say if OP imagined she had no parents to help out she'd find somewhere for them to live. There are also benefits for those on low incomes that can help with rent and living expenses.

I may well be off target here but is your DH the one causing problems?

Has he just rocked up at your parents home and treated them dismissively. Had your parents asked you not to use the sitting room but your DH chose to ignore that.

I may have misunderstood the undercurrent in your posts but you sound as though your DH is irritated by being there and may be treating them to an attitude.

Obviously if I am wrong I quite accept that and apologise.

Well the parents are doing you a massive favour so I think you have to smile and suck it up. They clearly want to keep hold of some of their space, and I don't blame them. 2 years is a long time. Treat it as a small flat and go out often. And keep remembering that you would be unlikely to get a £300 rental anywhere else, and now you have an opportunity to save.

That should say 'churning up the lawn' not 'law'!

Is your H making things worse? If you have your own self-contained living space, which it sound like you to, then him going into their sitting room without asking is actually a bit rude.

I agree with others though, this isnt a nightmare sutuation. Far from it. Yes inconvenient to have to walk a bit further to go outside but i do think you are very lucky to have tht safety net and in your shoes i would just suck up however inconvenient it was and take the time there as. A chance to clear as much debt as possible.

Namelessonsie

Where I live you get a garage parking space for £150. A double room in a shared house is £350.

So we have no idea if the 'extra 100' would get the op anything at all

If they converted the house and were only taking the increase in their bills from you then I would be with them.

I am shocked they are charging you rent, with you being in that much debt and homeless. They sound like they are not very nice to me and it is no wonder you are depressed.

I would try to get out of there by the end of next summer OP, use this as an incentive.

I think your DH should shut up or put up, he and you can't support your family and were living beyond your means and are now paying the price, he has to suck it up I am afraid right now.

I think you need to treat your area as though it is your flat. Treat that back door as though it does not exist.

I am wondering what sort of mess/noise/inconvenience the dc have made and that your DH has possibly ignored while you are working ? I agree if that they have made you a space and that then your DH invading theirs casually is disrespectful.

What about asking if they or you could pay for an exterior door for you into the garden?

Actually a quick check on a local letting site - the cheapest 2 bed with no garden is £900.

Can I ask if both of your parents were behind this move? I'm just getting the impression that your mother might have been the driving force and that your DF might be resentful and maybe not like your DH much?