Moved in with parents, parents installing doors and locks and banning us from certain rooms

[seriouslyhadenough]

We (me, DH and two children - 3 & 2) moved in with parents three weeks ago (financial reasons mainly - either this or be homeless - long story - another thread maybe).

They have converted part of the house to give us bedrooms and living area with open plan kitchen space.

However since we moved in things are extremely fraught whereby we have been banned from certain areas of the house which would sort of be fine if it were just me and DH but with two young children it is proving exceptionally stressful.

For example they have put a lock on their kitchen door so we cant go out the back door into the garden. Instead we have to go out the front door, open a huge gate, all round the back of the house (big house), another gate and into the garden. Again fine if just us but getting two small children around there with all the bits and bobs they want is hard (and don't mention when DD needs a wee and having to drag them both all the way back round again).

They have a water table play thing which means we have to fill up a bucket in our sink, carry it down a flight of stairs through two baby gates, through the house, out into the porch, out the front door, shutting all doors behind us, through the big gate, around the back of the house, through another gate to the garden. It needs three refills... and there is a sink just inside the back door.

DF has said things like "I came down stairs this afternoon and found him (DH) sitting on our sofa" as if it were the crime of the century. DH was just trying to get w Wi-Fi connection as where we are on the house the signal isn't good. That's when the doors and bolts went up.

Trying to explain to two small children why they aren't allowed in certain parts of the house is hard (particularly when they were allowed in them before we moved in).

I am genuinely confused whether IABU? I am frankly in tears after the last debacle of complaints about a few grains of sand on the floor from DD playing in the sandpit :-( :-(

DH and I are arguing because I am trying to get him to obey their wishes and it is causing me a great deal of stress.

I dont want to say too much but the disaster that has befallen us is the same disaster which will mean dh is likely to soon be removed from us for a period of time I'm sure you can work it out.

It's all rather dreadful and not remotely my fault or within my knowledge or my capability to have prevented.

The debt is all solely mine. dh went bankrupt last year (as a result of this)

it is such a long complex set of background facts

ive been to the samaritans a few weeks back. lovely lady. she sat mouth agape as I went through what has happened

""What are the advantages to your parents of having you there? Apart from recording angel points?

About £8,000, I think."

You think it cost £200 to do the conversion?

What do you mean?"

I mean OP will pay them around £8200 over the time he expects to be there. The conversion wont have been free to do and certainly not as little as £200. Op has given them £1000 towards it but it could easily cost 5 times that depending on what work was required and how big it is.

flogging - my time off for second baby contributed heavily. he was supposed to provide, he didnt.

high flying professional allegedly but we moved to a very remote part of uk a year or so back and I have been earning no where near as much although doing same job.

I expect OP's DPs would rather have their personal space than £300 a month though. If they are living in a house that's big enough to physically split in 2,I'm guessing that the money is not the main issue.

Many older people are asset rich, cash poor so they may want the money. I may be a cynic but most people wouldn't spend 1000s on a conversion if they only intended their child to live in it for a couple of years. They may intend to rent it for more when OP moves out. I'm not suggesting they're wrong to do that, I just don't think they are necessarily saints, particularly given the way they are behaving towards OP and her children at the moment.

Very confused. Is your DH going to prison?

my dad did all the work himself for the conversion.

I did try to raise it all but it ended in arguing with DF just resorting to "Well what do you want to just have the run of the whole house then and force us into our bedroom?!"

I asked for ground rules and was told "no way am I going to look like an ogre and do that"

Could you try talking to your parents again, or maybe your mum on her own if she might be more approachable? Agreeing ground rules does seem like a good option. At the moment, it sounds like your parents are overestimating their potential lack of privacy - from your posts it sounds like you are happy to respect their need for this. The locked kitchen door thing sounds awful, not just logistically with the difficulty in accessing the garden, but symbolically, it doesn't send a nice message to you and your family.

My dad replaced his bathroom and ensuite last year, all himself and it cost £5k. It involved walls being knocked through and windows being created, pipes moved etc. but i'm sure much less work than a conversion.

Nothing new, but your parents sound like they have done the best they can for you. I am getting elderly now and I don't know how I could cope with two small children running around the places especially the ever-present difference between the parents' idea of what is good behaviour and other people's opinion.

They obviously love you and seeing that you were faced with homelessness were not prepared to let that happen, but you must understand that it is not easy for people to share their home even when they are young, let alone when more set in their ways.

I imagine your parents are furious at the way your DH has behaved and continues to behave. He is clearly there on sufferance and only because they do not want to see you and your DC on the streets.

I think you have to do everything you can to allow them space and privacy in their part of the house.

It sounds as if your DH is abusing their generosity. Maybe things are going on while you are not there that they have not told you about.

Sand and water play plus your DC trailing sand and water through their kitchen is probably the last straw from your parents' point of view.

I mean OP will pay them around £8200 over the time he expects to be there. The conversion wont have been free to do and certainly not as little as £200. Op has given them £1000 towards it but it could easily cost 5 times that depending on what work was required and how big it is.

OP will have given them £8,200 towards it while she is there if you include the rent she is paying. As I said, I am a bit sceptical about whether someone would spend 1000s on a conversion just for their child to live there for two years.

How soon are things likely to crystallize, OP - because it all sounds very fluid right now and maybe not the best time for you to take stock. If it is soon, can you hang on until then ? I mean - are you able to, mentally and physically?

Oh right. That explains why your parents don't like him.

You poor love.

Why sceptical? If they knew they would get the money back through op paying rent and they can help her out by doing it then why not?

Oh right. That explains why your parents don't like him.

Right. I was feeling a bit sorry for the husband, but if he's broken the law I can see why the parents don't like him so much. Depending on what he did, I think they would have been justified in not allowing him to come live with them at all, just OP and the kids.

I would guess there's a fair chance that, after costs, your parents are probably putting that money aside for you should you ever need it...and probably hoping you will need it when you finally see the light and end your marriage.

They are also probably avoiding making the stay too easy, so that your dh doesn't slack too much and rely on them for longer than intended.

The conversion will not have been cheap. Putting in a new kitchen, and bathroom alone is expensive. If the parents were interested in cash, this is not the way to make money.

I dont want to say too much but the disaster that has befallen us is the same disaster which will mean dh is likely to soon be removed from us for a period of time I'm sure you can work it out.

Poor OP. . You have been through the mill.

Hardly a surprise your parents are having issues with him in their house though. They may not want to see his face, let alone find him sitting in their living room!

No delicate way to put this, but if your DP gets a custodial sentence, do you think that may at least lessen the stresses of living with your parents? Hopefully they'll lighten up once what sounds like the cause of the stress is temporarily removed from your living situation.

Ok, so you've been the three weeks. Before that I'm guessing you had your own property and didn't need to negotiate the aspects of shared space that you are having to now?
So you are in a period of adjustment, that is to be expected so no wonder you are finding things a bit strange and unsettling.
When do you expect your husband's separation from you all to commence?
It may well be (and please don't think me insensitive for saying this) that you need to keep your head down and get on with things until then, and that your parents might be more easygoing and well, friendly about everything, once he is away.

Do you have any friends where you are?
You sound isolated. Socially at least.

Why sceptical? If they knew they would get the money back through op paying rent and they can help her out by doing it then why not?

What I mean is I am sceptical that someone would spend 1000s on a conversion just for their child to live in it for two years. If they have spent 1000s on it they probably intend to keep it afterwards (e.g. to rent to others etc).

OP after reading your further posts after mine I can see why your parents are behaving the way they are but maybe you could point out to them that while they've every right to not want to be around your dh - it is the the little ones and you that are suffering regarding the kitchen/door situation.
Your H really needs to stfu and be happy and respectful of the fact someone else is providing a (cheap) roof over his and his familys head. If he doesn't like it then he needs to FO somewhere else.

I really feel for you op, it sounds like an awful situation to be in.

OP, my guess is your parents are trying to help you, but in a financially self-protective way given what it sounds like your husband has been up to. And to be honest, the fact he has been up to some financially dubious behaviour is good enough reason to me for them to want locked doors and their own private areas of the house.

Sorry. It all sounds very shitty for you, but your parents didn't choose him -you did. And it sounds like they are doing as much as they can in balancing supporting you and the children while protecting themselves.

I'm so sorry for you op. It's awful to lose everything. It sounds like you need to have a good think about how you want your future to look and whether you can trust dh again and also I agree if dh goes away, I bet the situation eases.

You would not get me to share my house with 4 other people inc 2 smalls for £300 a mth - add that one of the adults is obviously an arse and possible a criminal as well and \i woudl have a few locks on things? If your 20/20 years on from constant muddy floors and sticky everything then it can be very stressful when it is forced upon you - however much you love your DD and GC ! Loads of people on here find thier Mil's for a few days unbearable

Oh Op.

Do you know how long he'll be away for?