Moved in with parents, parents installing doors and locks and banning us from certain rooms

[seriouslyhadenough]

We (me, DH and two children - 3 & 2) moved in with parents three weeks ago (financial reasons mainly - either this or be homeless - long story - another thread maybe).

They have converted part of the house to give us bedrooms and living area with open plan kitchen space.

However since we moved in things are extremely fraught whereby we have been banned from certain areas of the house which would sort of be fine if it were just me and DH but with two young children it is proving exceptionally stressful.

For example they have put a lock on their kitchen door so we cant go out the back door into the garden. Instead we have to go out the front door, open a huge gate, all round the back of the house (big house), another gate and into the garden. Again fine if just us but getting two small children around there with all the bits and bobs they want is hard (and don't mention when DD needs a wee and having to drag them both all the way back round again).

They have a water table play thing which means we have to fill up a bucket in our sink, carry it down a flight of stairs through two baby gates, through the house, out into the porch, out the front door, shutting all doors behind us, through the big gate, around the back of the house, through another gate to the garden. It needs three refills... and there is a sink just inside the back door.

DF has said things like "I came down stairs this afternoon and found him (DH) sitting on our sofa" as if it were the crime of the century. DH was just trying to get w Wi-Fi connection as where we are on the house the signal isn't good. That's when the doors and bolts went up.

Trying to explain to two small children why they aren't allowed in certain parts of the house is hard (particularly when they were allowed in them before we moved in).

I am genuinely confused whether IABU? I am frankly in tears after the last debacle of complaints about a few grains of sand on the floor from DD playing in the sandpit :-( :-(

DH and I are arguing because I am trying to get him to obey their wishes and it is causing me a great deal of stress.

I'm with shatners, I'm afraid. I appreciate that you feel hurt by it, but your parents have an understandable right to desire their privacy in their home and have been wonderful in providing you and yours with private space of your own too.

Is there not an outside tap/hose that you can fill the table with to save the bucket scenario? If not, they cheap to install. If you're going to be there a couple of years, maybe you could think about having one put in? I know that was an example of one small difficulty and they all add up, but there are practical ways around some of them that might ease the big picture and the overall adjustment.

Have you spoken to your mum about these new rules?
Whilst I can understand them putting rules in place, and they have done their best to make a little self contained unit for you, I do think some of what you mentioned is a little petty. Maybe you could have rules about only using the access to the garden between certain hours, and after that you have to use the other route? Or only a grown up can use that route - so one adult stays with the children on the long way round and the other takes the toys the quick route?
Maybe you could agree you will only use their sitting room with their permission first? Surely that is understandable? It sounds as though your dad felt your DH was over stepping by going in to "his sitting room" when he was not there. Maybe he has things in there that are private and he doesn't want you/ DH to see?
I think the key here is calmly talking through these issues with your parents. Explain that you want to respect their home (and help out with caring for the home) but you also want to feel comfortable living there as it will be for the foreseeable future.

The problem is that you are there under sufferance, and your parents aren't dealing with it well at all. They would rather you weren't there, and resent you and your children.
We did the same thing, moved in with my parents for a year with two small children, and it was very hard work despite us all wanting to get on. It was also a standard 3 bed semi, so no escape from each other. We all survived, but we liked each other, and my parents were doting grandparents.
You either survive this with all the restrictions, or you move out. I'd sit down calmly with them and try and work out some basic, clear rules and stick to them. But they have all the power and control, and they are exerting it in petty ways.

I can't see the problem. They've effectively given you your own little house to live in. Much preferable to always being under each other's feet all the time.

Was this your family home when you were a child?

You and DH are arguing?
What is his solution to the problem?

I think unless you have done it, it is hard to understand how difficult it is.

I agree with sassysally that creating two separate areas may actually make sense.
I'd get out as much as posible and respect the areas initially, while you are all getting used to it. You may find things relax.

Not having easy access to a garden is something plenty of us managed with young chikdren . Lots of people just live like that.

It is certainly helping to get others' perspectives on this.

I was feeling like I was losing all perspective.

Practical solutions is good advice.

There is an outside tap but it got disconnected due to a burst pipe recently.

Also op, I'd be a bit depressed in your situation, if you are struggling to get out, go and see your gp about feeling depressed and get some help. I agree your parents could be kinder in their approach and shame on them for that but again, really, a lot of my relations just wouldn't help at all so try and look to the future.

No, not the family home.

Me and DH arguing runs very very deep with some serious problems which I am also mentally battling at the moment.

Maybe they see this as giving you a "granny flat". Maybe they feel they had no choice, but to let you live with them and are trying to preserve some space for themselves.

I wouldn't do what they have done (probably) but I value my space and I would find a whole family moving in with me a bit stressful, even if they are family.

I've just noticed that this is quite possibly for 2 years! I know I sound like a selfish bitch, but I would have to have some kind of territorial thing going on too.

It's tricky.

It is a bit weird. I can see both sides. They offered, did the conversion etc, so it doesn't sound like they were unwilling, but it is their house.

However, why they would want to offer for you all to move in and then decide they are going to refuse access is strange. I would want my family to feel at home in my home, and if not, I wouldn't be asking them to move in.

As an aside, my kids don't have water or sand toys for the garden, as I cannot abide the mess, and they have survived so far. Maybe put those toys away and take away that bit of hassle.

Yes I fear I am depressed.

That's what we found worked; identify an issue and work out a possible solution. But you are living in their home for free, are you paying anything towards bills?
Little resentments build up into family-breaking earthquakes if they are not dealt with.

Keep reminding yourself this isn't for ever. Try and keep things as up beat as you can make it a game the kids will adapt.
Get out as much as you can.

yes I am paying a monthly rent plus all the bills (the extra amounts we have added I mean). I also gave them £1000 towards the conversion.

We have been trying to go out every single day to get away.

I am busy with work at the moment so am stuck up here working and DH takes them out or takes them in the garden.

My work is very very stressful too.

I wouldn't have expected the rent, the bills yes.

I am paying £300 rent plus bills. A lot less then what were paying in our house so we are saving a great deal.

Regardless of whether it's hard having family members/children living in their house or not, I think they are being very mean spirited and unreasonable.

I understand that they want to maintain their privacy but yanbu.
What did they expect with 2 little ones being around?
You've said you already spoke to your DF about it but I think you need to again to explain exactly what the issue is and try to agree something along the lines of -
No entry until after 10am so they can wake up/breakfast at leisure.
No entry after 7pm so they can relax.
You/DH are responsible for any mess/dirt when in their rooms made by your family.
In return you'd appreciate access through the easier door to the garden.

If it doesn't work then you may have no choice but to find alternative accommodation. I couldn't stay there and as nice as they are for allowing your family to live there, your DP's should have laid down the rules and informed you of what they expected before you moved in.

Are you allowed to visit like you would if you lived elsewhere?

Do they like your husband? Are they doing right by you but just tolerating him because you're their daughter?

If your husband is bothered, what is he doing to rectify things? Is he coming up with a plan or half a plan in getting your own place?

I moved back with my mother for a year when I left my xh, to go back to university. Ok it was only me, but I had the run of the house. I made sure she had the lounge to herself after a certain point, and obviously had no control over tv watching, but I lived in the house.
I find their attitude a bit weird.

I think you need to work out rules of who pays what and who goes where...

I am £8k overdrawn with loans and maxed out credit cards at the moment too

Xposted. Can't believe they are charging you that much! Hope it is cheaper than comparable rents otherwise surely not worth the stress?