Moved in with parents, parents installing doors and locks and banning us from certain rooms

[seriouslyhadenough]

We (me, DH and two children - 3 & 2) moved in with parents three weeks ago (financial reasons mainly - either this or be homeless - long story - another thread maybe).

They have converted part of the house to give us bedrooms and living area with open plan kitchen space.

However since we moved in things are extremely fraught whereby we have been banned from certain areas of the house which would sort of be fine if it were just me and DH but with two young children it is proving exceptionally stressful.

For example they have put a lock on their kitchen door so we cant go out the back door into the garden. Instead we have to go out the front door, open a huge gate, all round the back of the house (big house), another gate and into the garden. Again fine if just us but getting two small children around there with all the bits and bobs they want is hard (and don't mention when DD needs a wee and having to drag them both all the way back round again).

They have a water table play thing which means we have to fill up a bucket in our sink, carry it down a flight of stairs through two baby gates, through the house, out into the porch, out the front door, shutting all doors behind us, through the big gate, around the back of the house, through another gate to the garden. It needs three refills... and there is a sink just inside the back door.

DF has said things like "I came down stairs this afternoon and found him (DH) sitting on our sofa" as if it were the crime of the century. DH was just trying to get w Wi-Fi connection as where we are on the house the signal isn't good. That's when the doors and bolts went up.

Trying to explain to two small children why they aren't allowed in certain parts of the house is hard (particularly when they were allowed in them before we moved in).

I am genuinely confused whether IABU? I am frankly in tears after the last debacle of complaints about a few grains of sand on the floor from DD playing in the sandpit :-( :-(

DH and I are arguing because I am trying to get him to obey their wishes and it is causing me a great deal of stress.

Yes I'm getting the impression your parents don't like your DH. Do they blame him for your financial problems?

Those of you who have picked up on this - you are right, my DH is behind our big financial disaster and is the cause of all of this

Could it also be they blame dh a bit for your situation too?

For sure.

"I am shocked they are charging you rent, with you being in that much debt and homeless. They sound like they are not very nice to me"

Yes I thought that .. not very loving when you're down.

I reckon they're charging rent because it is dh's fault perhaps. It's also still op's best option, especially if dh can't be trusted on many levels.

Oh you poor thing.
You must feel stuck right in the middle of this

YANBU - That said I think you have to suck it up and bear the brunt of the practical issues and not let the dc see how things are affecting you. They haven't created this situation so you both will have to adapt to create a happy environment.

You clearly have no alternative save declaring yourself homeless and being put up in a B&B perhaps. Is the situation more/less bearable?

I really hope this isn't going to turn out as DH, who OP says is refusing to follow the rules, being the one causing trouble. OP - is this the case? It sounds dismally like it.

Is DH working? Whose responsibility was it that your last home was lost? Why does DH think it's ok to disrespect his in-laws - particularly in-laws who are housing his wife and children because he isn't?

I don't think you're in the best frame of mind to look at this objectively at the moment, so I agree with pps about a trip to the doctor.

But tbh, I don't think your parents are being unreasonable. They have converted their house to provide separate, self-contained accommodation for you and your family. And then they find your dh sitting in their lounge and you want to go back and forth through their kitchen to get to the garden with the dcs when you have your own, if more inconvenient, access to it. I'm thinking muddy feet on the clean kitchen floor.

I think things may relax further down the line, but at the moment they're a bit on high alert. They're worried about how much it's going to impact on them and don't want to get into slippery slope territory. Long term it's better if you've each got your own space and wait to be invited into the other's domain. It can't be the same as when you were visiting guests. I think there'd be more stress involved if you were living as one family.

So respect their wishes and focus on the financial benefits that their offer is giving you.

You need to speak to both your husband and your parents.

Your husband clearly needs to make it clear what he is doing to fix the mess that he caused.

Presumably your parents feel like they are picking up the pieces for a mistake that they didn't make, and you didn't make, and they are understandably annoyed. They've been nice enough to let you move in, which sounds like they feel has inconvenienced them a lot, and they are not happy that your DH entered "their" space to presumably use the wi-fi that they pay for. Whether you think that's reasonable or not, they are clearly unhappy.

Your best chance of getting everything back on an even keel is to show them how your husband is putting things right. Then you might be able to move forward and make rules that everyone can abide by.

maybe its to pay towards the cost of converting half their house into a self contained flat

The situation does sound very odd, but I can imagine that the parent's side of the story would come across very differently.

It sounds as if OPs parents have taken her in out of need, and have gone some way to make it possible, but don't actually really want the noise and mess of a young family living with them, and have therefore gone out of their way to create a separate 'home' within their home. What they've done is really incredibly generous.

So I think it's entirely reasonable to ask to keep a level of privacy for themselves. Putting locks on is very extreme but if parents are usually reasonable then it sounds like there would probably have been fair provocation for that action - probably not just once or twice, but repeated traffic through 'their' part of the house, and they've got fed up, and put measures in place because they've felt they have no other choice.

The situation does sound tense, but I think I would be going out of the way to keep the peace and minimise the impact on my parents. Hopefully once they realise you are making efforts to respect their space and privacy, they'll be more willing to relax the rules.

In terms of contribution, I imagine it cost a lot more then £1000 to make the renovations to the house. And around here (South East, outside Londom), £300 wouldn't even get you one room in a house share, let alone room for a family of 4. A typical one bed flat is upwards of £650pcm, not including bills. So if OP is in this area, £300 is a very fair contribution.

I feel there's more to this story than OP let us know.

Was your Dh accessing router and disconnected internet for everyone?
Does he know much about it or just decided to have go?

How much room rid you get for your own use in the house?

Have they explained why they have prevented you from using the back door. Keeping certain rooms private is fair enough, but I can't understand why you can't use the back door and have to take a long and complicated route via the front door instead. That just smacks of mak

I think the charging for rent probably comes from a good place, people who have poor money management and letting them think they no longer have to pay rent will only make it more difficult for them when they suddenly do.

I wonder if maybe the parents are putting the money aside to give back to their daughter when they know it will benefit her and not her husband who created this mess.

*making your life difficult for the sake of it. Are they trying to punish you passive-aggressively?

Oh dear, OP, we X-posted.

Yup, DH is being the arse of the story. He's an arrogant idiot, by the sounds of things - hasn't looked after you and the kids, then turns snarly at the people who've rescued you.

Are you depressed because you're married to him?

seriously as someone who has had to drag themselves out of the gutter, you will get through this.

Your DH has stuffed up big time, you are now frightened he's going to spoil it with your parents as well. He must feel pretty bad and humiliated as well though, so do remember you are two depressed and anxious people finding a solution together, which can be hard to remember when you are blaming him (I'm sure he was to blame, but not deliberately).

I've reread your post and given that you have an open plan kitchen of your own, I think them placing boundaries on your tramping through theirs to get to the garden and make mud pies is perfectly reasonable. You have a good private living space, but they clearly want their own space to be treated as a separate home. That does mean asking to enter it and things like that- so your husband should have shouted out 'is it ok if I mend the internet in here' and so on. My guess is that he is feeling very emasculated by the whole thing and is also grumpy, stressed and depressed and you all feel like you are hanging on a knife edge.

My advice remains the same- get good financial advice and thrash out a repayment plan and use the savings (at least £500 a month) to get yourselves stable and pay off any debts you have. You may also feel better if you restart working yourself (perhaps you already do), even if it is just evening/weekend work, and certainly look to go back as soon as childcare/nursery kicks in- could your husband do some childcare and you go back to work?

You will survive this, it is not the end of the world to have to retreat for a while, regroup and get out there again. It will be different in two years time, I promise.

"maybe its to pay towards the cost of converting half their house into a self contained flat "

Yes i wondered this too. Also, they could be saving the £300 to give to OP to help her find somewhere new to live after the year is up. Maybe they think if they suggested she save it herself then it would be spent by her DH or gi towards debt clearing so she will never get a place of her own again.

It sounds a very stressful situation. But it sounds like maybe your Husband isn't being very supportive? If they have said they don't want you to use certain rooms, it is unfair of your husband to go into their living space.

Whether you think it is unfair or not, they obviously want you to treat your flat as yours, and theirs as a totally separate flat. I think you have to act the way you would if you were renting a flat and a relative just happened to have a flat in the same building. Then you wouldn't expect to have constant access to their kitchen to make getting into the garden easier.

Yup, DH is being the arse of the story. He's an arrogant idiot, by the sounds of things - hasn't looked after you and the kids, then turns snarly at the people who've rescued you- he might be an arse, but there are many millions of people in the UK who are just a few % interest rate rise away from where the Op is now. If the UK government hadn't artificially kept mortgage rates low and printed money, this is where a lot of people would have been when they failed to pay their mortgages.

I think saying 'there for the grace of god go I' might be more appropriate.

He may be an arse, but not only arses have suffered in the recession, and not only arses would feel emasculated by having to be dependent on others.

The old 'man as provider' goes very deep here.

Ok. Wow. What a set of issues.

There are positives. You are together. Your all well. Parents are helping. You have a place to live. You are able to contribute and save.

You need more communication not less. Silence helps no one. Keep talking. Unfortunately you are the bridge. Dh leaving solves nothing really. Not yet anyway.

You are in a horrible situation but you have to hang on to the fact that if you were homeless it would be far, far worse; all of you in one room in a B & B with shared kitchen and bathroom and no garden at all. Your parents have been generous in taking you in and converting their home for you and I can understand them making their space/our space rules. You seem to be the one working; your father may be very resentful of the fact that your husband is not looking after 'his little girl' properly, and finding him sitting on his sofa apparently playing with his wifi a red rag to a bull. I lived with my parents for three months with my young son when my marriage was in difficulties, and I feel very guilty now at the way I took it completely for granted.

As previous posters have already said, either get the garden tap fixed or else just stop using the water table - it really isn't worth all the stress and hassle it's causing. Your children will soon forget about it.

I think you are very, very lucky that your parents' house lends itself to allowing you to have self-contained living space. Living together would be very stressful otherwise, for both parties. Your DPs have effectively given you half their house, which is a big thing - especially as it's for an indefinite period. This is no doubt why your DF makes testy remarks when he sees your DH on his sofa - he probably feels he's given up enough space already, and isn't prepared to give any more. Even though it sounds petty and unreasonable (after all, your DH was only there for a reason) I think you have to allow for the fact that it's still early days and you all need time to adjust to your new living arrangements, and men in particular seem to become more territorial as they get older. Not to mention the male dominance thing - your DF is used to being top dog in his own home and is asserting that he is still the boss.

I appreciate that you have been through a lot, resulting in this co-habitation which neither you nor your parents would have chosen. But be thankful for what they are offering you. It has caused massive upheaval in their lives as well as your own, and having two very young children running around is very disruptive to the calm, ordered lives your DPs had become used to after their own children left home. The doors are just a way of them holding onto a bit of privacy. Your children will soon learn the new rules.

Three weeks really is very early days, try not to despair. How is your DM reacting?