Moved in with parents, parents installing doors and locks and banning us from certain rooms

[seriouslyhadenough]

We (me, DH and two children - 3 & 2) moved in with parents three weeks ago (financial reasons mainly - either this or be homeless - long story - another thread maybe).

They have converted part of the house to give us bedrooms and living area with open plan kitchen space.

However since we moved in things are extremely fraught whereby we have been banned from certain areas of the house which would sort of be fine if it were just me and DH but with two young children it is proving exceptionally stressful.

For example they have put a lock on their kitchen door so we cant go out the back door into the garden. Instead we have to go out the front door, open a huge gate, all round the back of the house (big house), another gate and into the garden. Again fine if just us but getting two small children around there with all the bits and bobs they want is hard (and don't mention when DD needs a wee and having to drag them both all the way back round again).

They have a water table play thing which means we have to fill up a bucket in our sink, carry it down a flight of stairs through two baby gates, through the house, out into the porch, out the front door, shutting all doors behind us, through the big gate, around the back of the house, through another gate to the garden. It needs three refills... and there is a sink just inside the back door.

DF has said things like "I came down stairs this afternoon and found him (DH) sitting on our sofa" as if it were the crime of the century. DH was just trying to get w Wi-Fi connection as where we are on the house the signal isn't good. That's when the doors and bolts went up.

Trying to explain to two small children why they aren't allowed in certain parts of the house is hard (particularly when they were allowed in them before we moved in).

I am genuinely confused whether IABU? I am frankly in tears after the last debacle of complaints about a few grains of sand on the floor from DD playing in the sandpit :-( :-(

DH and I are arguing because I am trying to get him to obey their wishes and it is causing me a great deal of stress.

Yes, I was also wondering, reading through the thread, if your parents dislike your DH.

Are they aware of the arguing? Do they view him as being responsible for the financial difficulties?

In a way I can understand them wanting their own space, and they have paid to convert the house, presumably so that there are clear boundaries, which your DH seems to have ignored. Hence having to instal locks. An over-reaction on their part, but I can see where they are coming from. Did your DH really need wi-fi?

I wouldn't want someone traipsing through my kitchen with muddy or sandy shoes - I would get rid of the sand and water table ASAP (but I couldn't stand them when my DC were young anyway), and would try to go to the park rather than use the garden.

I think seeing the GP would be a good idea - you have so many stresses going on at the moment, something has to give.

I don't think they're being particularly nice to you considering you're their daughter and you're under a lot of stress at the moment. I'm not even sure that you are doing you a huge favour by letting you live in their conversion. Although they have given up some of their space, if you are there for two years they will receive £8,200 for it which is a fair amount of money. After you leave do they intend to rent the flat out to other people or will they convert it back?

For the time being I would keep out of their way as much as possible. Hopefully things will get better.

sorry - X post.

We pay a share of everything, wi-fi included.

I am happy to pay the £300 per month.

I hope I dont get accused of drip feeding but dh is a huge huge problem. self employed, constantly saying something will be coming in money wise and it never does

you would never believe me if I told you the highly respectable professional job I do I can't believe my life has come to this

The redeeming qualities of your dh are?

Can't help thinking that your parents have been heroic. Some people just don't enjoy toddlers/small children. My PIL never could stand them- they had done the messy stuff once and got their home nice and no way did they want runny noses, lego, sand and water play again. My family could stick it for a visit, but never as a semi permanent arrangement. I don't think I could either.

Your DCs will accommodate to Not-through-Granny's-kitchen. When they start school there will be similar perhaps irrational seeming restrictions. I think they will probably follow your lead and if you don't fuss they won't.
And your DH can rig up an internet booster or get himself off to free wifi I should think.

What are the advantages to your parents of having you there? Apart from recording angel points? Could be cooking dinners now and then, cutting grass etc.

Then maybe it is time to visit your GP and a heart to heart with your parents about how wretched you feel. I think they may give you some emotional support if you tell them how you're feeling.

Don't just battle on feeling alone.

What did your husband do to cause this problem, if you don't mind to say? Is it possible he's being difficult because he is depressed about the financial issues he caused? My husband lost a job a while back, and he was terribly difficult to live with, because he was depressed. Maybe your husband needs to see his doctor.

The OP is in a shit situation, caused by other people from what I can gather. How is visiting the GP, presumably for happy pills, going to help?

I ask this as a genuine question, btw.

Only on MN could parents that have converted their house to let their adult child, partner and children live their be called mean for daring to charge rent. Most usually charge children from the moment they lose CB!

Who knows how much it cost them to do it. We have no idea how much the OP pays towards bills or if they buy their own food etc.

The DH needs to be grateful as does the OP and find a way round this until they can afford their own home. They are both adults, both should be providing not just him. Its not the 1950's.

What are the advantages to your parents of having you there? Apart from recording angel points?

About £8,000, I think.

I was just wondering about dh's redeeming qualities too as he sounds like an argumentative irresponsible boaster and i hope your parents are saving what you're paying to help you (not dh) down the line. Don't ruin your relationship with them over his childishness. Does he (when with you) have any stable history of behaving financially responsibly?

Never imagined i would say this but i agree with HMOO

"What are the advantages to your parents of having you there? Apart from recording angel points?

About £8,000, I think."

You think it cost £200 to do the conversion?

If you do a great professional job, why doesn't your husband become the ft childcarer and you go back to work? Sorry if you are already back at work, but it seems like you need one stable breadwinner and you might be better at it than him, and someone needs to look after a 2 & 3 year old.

You might also feel far more empowered if you are in control of the family finances than if you rely on him, many self-employed people and businesses have gone under.

I still think people don't realize how much the recession is ongoing. I have a friend who just lost her job, and can't get another one paying as much. There is still not easy money/job out there at the moment.

Don't feel embarrassed, OP, living in a self-contained flat at your parents makes sense at this time in your life and is much more common in many countries where people are not rich enough or subsidised by the state to live each family in a separate house (massive economies of scale to be had by living together).

OP, tell us more about your DH: this mess isn't your fault.

So is the debt his then? Would you maybe be better off without him? Not being harsh but it sounds like he is set in his ways.

Ps op, I'm not at all surprised to hear you are very capable and professional, it doesn't mean you can't make bad financial decisions or get held to ransom by a partner pushing you around. I've had to borrow money from my dad to avoid bouncing dds due to overspending, I'm not judging. I'm also professional and old enough to know better. Re depression, you can be a bit down without needing help but the feelings of hopelessness etc when actually the solution is in hand is why I'd see the dr. I wonder if dh is underneath all the depression, only you can say, do you believe he can change?

Well that explains your parents' attitude. They see their wonderful girl who has worked hard to qualify for a professional job being married to a ne'er do well.

Can your DH get a job rather than being self-employed?

Would it be worth trying to access some counselling for you to see a way forward?

Actually, your parents seem to be the least of your worries.

Feel a bit sorry for the DH here as we don't know his situation except he's self employed and that it's not going too well - or he's not getting paid.

"What are the advantages to your parents of having you there? Apart from recording angel points?

About £8,000, I think."

You think it cost £200 to do the conversion?

What do you mean?

And it's ok your parents judging when maybe they're in a good place and weren't affected by the recession - and maybe they have good pensions.

I would knock the water play on the head though - that does seem a bit messy to me

I expect OP's DPs would rather have their personal space than £300 a month though. If they are living in a house that's big enough to physically split in 2,I'm guessing that the money is not the main issue.

I think your parents have possibly bitten of more than they realised.

If my dd was living with me due to her dp mess up it may well irritate me if he just invited himself over to my half of the house

If you have such a high ranking job, op, why is it solely your dh's fault that you lost your home? Is it more than just failure to contribute?