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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Moved in with parents, parents installing doors and locks and banning us from certain rooms

277 replies

seriouslyhadenough · 19/04/2014 16:52

We (me, DH and two children - 3 & 2) moved in with parents three weeks ago (financial reasons mainly - either this or be homeless - long story - another thread maybe).

They have converted part of the house to give us bedrooms and living area with open plan kitchen space.

However since we moved in things are extremely fraught whereby we have been banned from certain areas of the house which would sort of be fine if it were just me and DH but with two young children it is proving exceptionally stressful.

For example they have put a lock on their kitchen door so we cant go out the back door into the garden. Instead we have to go out the front door, open a huge gate, all round the back of the house (big house), another gate and into the garden. Again fine if just us but getting two small children around there with all the bits and bobs they want is hard (and don't mention when DD needs a wee and having to drag them both all the way back round again).

They have a water table play thing which means we have to fill up a bucket in our sink, carry it down a flight of stairs through two baby gates, through the house, out into the porch, out the front door, shutting all doors behind us, through the big gate, around the back of the house, through another gate to the garden. It needs three refills... and there is a sink just inside the back door.

DF has said things like "I came down stairs this afternoon and found him (DH) sitting on our sofa" as if it were the crime of the century. DH was just trying to get w Wi-Fi connection as where we are on the house the signal isn't good. That's when the doors and bolts went up.

Trying to explain to two small children why they aren't allowed in certain parts of the house is hard (particularly when they were allowed in them before we moved in).

I am genuinely confused whether IABU? I am frankly in tears after the last debacle of complaints about a few grains of sand on the floor from DD playing in the sandpit :-( :-(

DH and I are arguing because I am trying to get him to obey their wishes and it is causing me a great deal of stress.

OP posts:
sarinka · 20/04/2014 13:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

antimatter · 20/04/2014 14:10

she can be an accountant and he of any profession
I think this is not relevant

what is important is that first post was OP's husband talking through her

GiddyUpCowboy · 20/04/2014 14:14

class="underline">lo0341826_js("loop","") Libor traders not being tried till 2015

I think considering the mess the world is now in and all the vulnerable people suffering in this country we know about food banks, disabled people and old people suffering. All as a result of various bankers causing a world wide recession, the Libor traders have to be some of the most hated people around.

LadyEmma1 · 20/04/2014 15:43

antimatter only relevant as to why the OP is wise not to go bankrupt which might otherwise have been the obvious solution.

Gen35 · 20/04/2014 18:36

All this is beside the point, op I hope you've had a nice day and keep posting for support, and that things are lo

Gen35 · 20/04/2014 18:37

Ops...looking brighter today. Whatever your dh did, you're the only one that knows if you can still trust him.

Flux700 · 20/04/2014 19:10

I think you need to get your head down, pay off the debt, apply for high paying jobs in new cities/towns and save for a deposit on a rented ground floor flat.

Flux700 · 20/04/2014 19:12

Can you free lance from home or work for yourself to earn the money back?

Original poster
seriouslyhadenough · 20/04/2014 19:57

Hello everyone,

Thank you so much for the further posts.

I have done so much thinking today. I am so so torn about what I want. Whoever above said I am a little bit worried about him not going really did strike a chord with me. But the other half is petrified for what it will do to my son. Dh is practically like his mother as it were - I was working within hours of having him. Although at the same time has insisted on all sorts of self employed projects that I didn't even want him to do but has made finding time to work a real stress for me. But the promised rewards never materialise.

My df said to him today - I love you but I am so angry with you. I couldn't have put it better really.

It's all such a mess.

OP posts:
EvansOvalPiesYumYum · 20/04/2014 20:02

Could be a couple of reasons - maybe they're anxious in case their young grandchildren are able to access any medicines in a bedside cabinet if not properly supervised?

Maybe they don't want to be unexpectedly woken in the very early hours of the morning?

Just - privacy, maybe.

It's lovely of them to let you all stay in their home.
As someone said above - their house, their rules. Don't take it personally, it can work both ways.

EvansOvalPiesYumYum · 20/04/2014 20:08

Sorry - seem to be a bit behind!! Ignore my reply, only seemed to see the first few replies, for some strange reason.

Llareggub · 20/04/2014 20:30

Your son will be fine. You might want to think about how to manage the transistion though. Is there any advice available about how to help children cope in this situation?

nancy75 · 20/04/2014 20:33

Are your dhs parents helping you at all?
do your parents feel that everything has been left to them to sort out?

cozietoesie · 20/04/2014 20:45

seriously

Do you have any friends to talk things through with? (I don't think your parents are good candidates.)

Original poster
seriouslyhadenough · 20/04/2014 20:52

Nancy - no, they live 100s miles away.

Cozie - not really Sad only one friend knows and she lives abroad. I am so mortifyingly embarrassed I've told no one. I'm sure all my friends like we are exceptionally successful and a couple have even commented how our house purchase is going assuming we are juggling that being the reason we've moved in here... Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
seriouslyhadenough · 20/04/2014 20:52

Has anyone ever self referred for counselling? I don't want to take any tablets.

OP posts:
Llareggub · 20/04/2014 20:57

Yes I have. It was fairly easy to do and I found it helpful. I didn't go through the doctor and paid per session. Later, when compel erect brassic I had free counselling through a charity.

Please tell a friend. I couldn't have got through my tough times without the love and support of my best friends. They didn't judge at all.

cozietoesie · 20/04/2014 20:58

I think you might wish to start a thread on the Relationships Board now, seriously. That might just be a better place for you long term. Your decision of course.

For myself, as I said above, I'm not sure you can do much about the situation right now with so much still hanging in the air. (I'm assuming that the matter will go to court in a month or two - if it's going to be a year or more then I think maybe you'll have to take action on things.)

My own experience of referral for counselling is limited but other posters could probably advise you on that.

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 20/04/2014 21:39

You shouldn't be embarrassed. Life can be hard and deliver some pretty hard knocks. Be honest with people- the decent ones will support you. Hold your head up high and just start again. You have your health- you'll all be ok.

Blondeshavemorefun · 20/04/2014 22:02

def talk to friends, dh and i went through some serious shit times and as i said previously i thought he would go to prison but got a suspended sentence - but my friends were a tower of support

true friends wont judge you and if they dont support you then they arent friends

i also went through counselling, was very good to speak to someone 'out' of it and neutral and to be able to be very honest about my feelings and thoughts and not be 'judged' they can also offer advice

it seems to me that you do love dh, so splitting up isnt an option,so yes if he goes inside the next few months/years will be tough, but you will get through them

stealthsquiggle · 20/04/2014 22:12

Huge sympathy for you, OP. I think, though, that you have to recognise your parents' absolute right to draw boundaries (as you do) . In order to do that, you are going to have to prove that you will abide by those boundaries, wherever they choose to draw them. Once you have done that for a while, it might well be possible to have a sensible conversation about whether the lines could be better for all concerned if they were shifted a little, IYSWIM.

BleachedWhale · 20/04/2014 22:32

OP I think your position is a very lonely one. Under the circumstances I think your parents are saints, but I can see how hurtful and disorientating it is to have them put up physical. Oh diaries when presumably what you want your parents to do is hold you tight, tell you it will all be alright and relieve you of the responsibility of being an adult for a while. I don't think we ever grow out of that, and right now you need someone to look after you.

And your DH seems not to be doing it.

If I were your friends, or your parents, I would stand by you and support you, but if your H has been knowingly involved in anything that caused others to be in difficult circumstances, I would have not one jot of sympathy for him and I would not trust him. That degree of arrogance is self interested in extremis. He has lied to you, and he has wrapped you round his little finger. Look how you defend him in the opening post! Boundaries are boundaries. He has no respect for them and he made himself at home in your parents part of the house to get what he wanted.

I would suggest that you can trust your parents, when the chips are down. take comfort in that, they will not let you go, they will not see you homeless, they will see you through the tough times to come. So take care not to cast them in baddie role when your DH does his thing. They are the ones who will look after you. And that's what you need.

BleachedWhale · 20/04/2014 22:34

'Barriers' not 'Oh diaries' . iPad speak.

Original poster
seriouslyhadenough · 20/04/2014 22:36

Bleachedwhale - thank you for that post.

OP posts:
Gen35 · 21/04/2014 09:52

Just my opinion from experience but I'd be very selective about who you tell re dh in rl. I've a long experience of having revealed/not revealed this type of info and I've found that even nice, close friends have assumed different things about me and our family after I've told them and it affects how people see you and your kids. Close friends you can trust not to blab, maybe, but I've found it much less helpful than I expected as many people just can't relate to it. Get some counselling, that'll help a lot.