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AIBU?

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Original poster

Deciding to try for a baby whilst at Medical school… am I mental?

206 replies

NurseDoctor · 19/04/2014 13:35

Hi everyone. I've seen a couple of similar posts but nothing very recent. First post here as i'm not actually qualified to be a "mums netter" yet (as not yet a mum!). I am a mature student studying medicine and living with my husband. We have been married for almost 4 years and have recently had a sit down/serious think about when will actually be an optimal time to have children. I am just finishing my first year and will have 4 months off for summer to work and build up our currently sad savings account. Due to the length of the course (5 years) and the 2 years of foundation training following this, followed by specialty selection and training, I can't see any "sensible" time for pregnancy and babies at all. In fact I can see it being put off until very late in life indeed. Unfortunately for me this isn't really a risk I want to take, as I have endometriosis, and, as my GP has kindly pointed out a number of times, the longer I delay the less chance i'll have of a natural conception. So here we are, one year into the course, seriously considering trying for a baby. Our thoughts at present are to possibly try between Sept-Dec this year for a Summer baby (during my holiday) but very aware that the chances of being lucky enough to achieve this are slim.
My question really is, are there any other mums out there who have had babies at university? Did you cope ok with the course? I am also very aware that, as the only married person on my course I will probably be of great interest to fellow students if I were pregnant, how did that make you feel? Sorry for the long post. Fortunately my husband is self employed and works from home, he is incredibly supportive. Pros with waiting seem to be mostly money and cons are time with the baby, chances of conception dwindling which would cause even greater stress.

OP posts:
Clobbered · 19/04/2014 13:40

You are probably mad, yes, but which are you going to regret more if you don't try now? Getting through the medical course is no mean feat in itself, but adding a baby into the mix is going to make life incredibly difficult (not to mention getting through the pregnancy and any associated tiredness/illness).
I'd say go for it, have the babies and deal with the fallout, but others will no doubt disagree! You will end up with a humungous student debt paying for child-care - don't imagine that because your husband works from home he will somehow manage to look after a baby as well as keeping his business going.

Clobbered · 19/04/2014 13:41

P.S. Good luck!

brokenhearted55a · 19/04/2014 13:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DPotter · 19/04/2014 13:44

Yep you're daft to even think it but who said wanting children was a logical decision? It's not. So I would go for it but accepting you'll have to plan, plan and do even more planning to make it work. How about starting with your medical school and asking if they have a policy for deferring for a year, so you could have the baby, spend some time and then ease back in ? Please don't underestimate the intensity of medical finals, and then also specialist training and exams. Lived alongside my DP throughout his clinical and subsequent specialist training and even if he was home, didn't get to see him much.
Good luck!

SockQueen · 19/04/2014 13:45

I'm a junior doctor, I went to med school as a school leaver (post-gap year) and am now pushing 30 and starting to seriously consider TTC. Although I'd have been horrified at the thought at the time, I now think that it would probably have been easier to have a child during medical school than as an FY1/2. Of course, there are no guarantees that you'll be able to fall pregnant in as planned a fashion as you describe, and it's highly possible that you'd have to take a year out of the course, which may have financial implications for you, but my experience suggests to me that universities are more flexible than NHS Medical Staffing when it comes to things like childcare etc.

If you had a child when applying for the foundation programme, you'd probably be eligible for special circumstances and so more likely to stay in your chosen area than other students who have to enter the great job lottery. You could also apply for part-time training if that was your thing. I don't know how old you are, but if you are feeling under time pressure, I think it might be better to start earlier rather than wait 5+ more years and have to be thinking about it alongside the hell that is FY1 work.

Ruushii · 19/04/2014 13:45

Pssst, as a medical student, maybe you should lay off the "am I mental?" stuff?

cottonwoolmum · 19/04/2014 13:47

In your specific case, no you're not mad at all. You can complete medical training at any point in your life. But you have been told you will have a limited window of time to become pregnant. The rest of your life sounds very stable. It's a good time to have children.

antimatter · 19/04/2014 13:48

my sis in law had 2 babies whilst a mature student at medical school

went back to lectures after 6 weeks each time
she had a nanny to look after them and parents very near for emergencies

she finished with a first and is an amazing consultant now - all done in the minimum time she had

make sure you have solid support around you for various emergencies

it can be done, but you will be exhausted, possibly your health will suffer in long term but it can be done

LEMmingaround · 19/04/2014 13:50

What does your DH do for a living? what are you going to do about childcare? Can you afford it? I would only conider this if my partner was happy to be a SAHP and i didn't have to juggle childcare with my course.

Also your priorities change when you have a baby, its the hormones but your course will become secondary to your baby, it could cost you a degree class. This might not be a problem if you are already heading for a 1st, but is a 2:2 going to be good enough?

I did a degree when my DD1 was at primary school - no problem, had my parents as free childcare and never had to worry about pick up etc.

Did my PhD and got pregnant in my final year - i did manage to scrape a PhD out of it, but following bereavement and PND i didn't return to work and it has pretty much closed the door on my career (biochemist) as i have been out of the lab for too long.

What is your DP's business?

Its a difficult decision - lets make it cut and dry

you can only have one thing - be a Dr or have a baby - what would you choose?

MedusaIsHavingaBadHairday · 19/04/2014 13:51

I'd say it is possible... but only if you have a VERY good..close and immediate support network around you. How will you manage with very long shifts, days, nights, irregular hours? How will you study sufficiently with a small baby and what will happen when you have OSCIES ( or whatever your university calls the nasty exams)

DD1 is a 4th year med student and this year has been by far the toughest. She has one friend who is a Dad and the university promised to keep him in local placements..and then sent him to Plymouth for the year when his wife was in Exeter also a med student! In theory allowances can be made but in practise it can be hard to achieve.

You best bet would be to qualify and have the baby after 5th year but before F1 as at least you'd have your degree. being of interest to other students would be the least of your problems I think!

My sympathies tho.. broodiness is a terribly difficult thing to be logical about!

Theas18 · 19/04/2014 13:51

Honestly? Bonkers... Maybe.

I worked (yrs ago admittedly but I don't thing the European working time directive has changed things as much as we'd like to think - shift work etc is still horrible) with a lady who had her 2nd child during her house officer year.

She wasn't a happy mum, she's wasnt good doctor ( she was covered up by her colleagues - I suspect you'd be failed at appraisal for being like that now ) and her marriage didn't last.

If you have aNanny and flexible working arrangements ( that would of course add time to training years ) then maybe it could work? But how much" not being as good a mum as I want " and " not being as good a doc as I want" can you cope with , or have you got that rare but amazing (and sensible ) head that can accept " good enough" and be happy?

SockQueen · 19/04/2014 13:54

LEM Medical degrees are not classified beyond distinction (only a small handful)/pass/fail. If you intercalate (do an extra year to get a BSc/BA on top of your medical degree) then it is graded in the traditional way, but the standard medical degree is not.

That said, foundation programme applications are partly graded on your decile position within the year group, so academic performance does matter to an extent - though there are other ways to score points on the application too. But as the OP would probably be eligible for the special circumstances scheme this may not be so relevant.

Concerns about finances and childcare during university hours would be my biggest worry. Many universities have some kind of nursery though, which is often cheaper than private ones. And uni hours, even as a med student, are less onerous than the hours of a junior doctor - though money would be much tighter.

Original poster
NurseDoctor · 19/04/2014 13:56

Wow thanks everyone for the replies!
Hi brokenhearted55a I'm almost 26. I always imaged i'd be around 30 when I had children. Unfortunately this is when I will be in my F1/F2 (junior doctor) years… quite possibly the worst time ever to have children! Having already trained as a nurse (which I currently still do as bank) I know what shift work is like, unfortunately I think when I am qualified and people are relying on my to be there as the doctor, not as a student, understanding may be even worse.

OP posts:
ICanSeeTheSun · 19/04/2014 13:57

If it is do able you will somehow do it.

Having a baby for most is easy, but be prepared to have a baby who may mean you will have to re think your career path.

Realistically with a son who is autistic I can't follow my dreams I once had, those dreams have now be replaced in DS. In a sense I want him to have a full life.

LEMmingaround · 19/04/2014 13:57

I did wonder that as i was typing it sock queen.

having read the oher respones i have reviesd y opinion from yep, mental to go for it!

Original poster
NurseDoctor · 19/04/2014 13:57

Ruushii term mental was only meant in jest and colloqually, nothing offensive meant, I am sure many people use similar terms in day to day life.

OP posts:
yellowdinosauragain · 19/04/2014 13:58

I'm a doctor and recently was working with a fantastic F1 doctor who I found out had had a baby in medical school. Like you she was a mature student happily married and didn't want to put it off indefinitely. She went back after 6 weeks because it was that or defer a year which she wasn't keen on. I don't think she found it particularly easy but she was a brilliant doctor who managed her work life balance very well.

I don't think it will be easy for you but like you say there isn't an easy time in the foreseeable future so if you can afford it then I think it is definitely worth considering

Original poster
NurseDoctor · 19/04/2014 13:59

antimatter wow I am seriously impressed by your sister! My optimal plan would be not to take a year out. However as I have never been pregnant before I have no idea how the pregnancy will turn out, how sick i'll be and how quickly i'll be able to get back into studying, so think I need to keep an open mind with that!
cottonwoolmum thanks!

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 19/04/2014 13:59

It is going to be incredibly hard, Medicine in itself is very intense, you have 4 more years of studying and hospital work. You have to be on the ball, the sleepless nights might make it difficult for you to function at tge level required for medicine. You are only a year into the course.

Ruushii · 19/04/2014 14:00

Whatever, OP. Probably should work on it so you don't say it in "jest "with a patient.

brokenhearted55a · 19/04/2014 14:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mercibucket · 19/04/2014 14:01

i know someone who did this. she was fine. knackered but fine. as another poster said, are you happy with 'good enough' mum and student? if not, i think it could be too much! she had a few probs like leaking breastmilk in theatre Blush and worked like a trojan

LEMmingaround · 19/04/2014 14:01

I have mental health problems - I am not mental Grin so i don't get offended by the term as i don't really associate it with mental illness. Its more of a jokey word. The OP on the other hand is mental for considering the whole baby thing, but should still go for it - who wants to be sane anyway?

yellowdinosauragain · 19/04/2014 14:01

Cross posted. Seeing that you are only 26 honestly I'd wait until after your foundation years. However a previous poster asked what you would choose of you could only either have a baby or be a doctor. If the answer is have a baby then fair enough go for it now. But with a bit of patience there is no reason you can't have both...

Original poster
NurseDoctor · 19/04/2014 14:02

LEMmingaround Hi, It's so difficult to predict everything. My husband runs his own business from home. I have spoken to student finance and I can get a grant which would cover 85% of childcare costs, we could afford the rest. My mother in law lives around 30 mins away. I think it is likely to be clinical years which will be harder than my current mostly 9-4 lecture timetable.
I love medicine and can't see myself doing anything else, but can't imagine going through life without having children. I guess I want my cake and to eat it too?

OP posts: