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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Deciding to try for a baby whilst at Medical school… am I mental?

206 replies

NurseDoctor · 19/04/2014 13:35

Hi everyone. I've seen a couple of similar posts but nothing very recent. First post here as i'm not actually qualified to be a "mums netter" yet (as not yet a mum!). I am a mature student studying medicine and living with my husband. We have been married for almost 4 years and have recently had a sit down/serious think about when will actually be an optimal time to have children. I am just finishing my first year and will have 4 months off for summer to work and build up our currently sad savings account. Due to the length of the course (5 years) and the 2 years of foundation training following this, followed by specialty selection and training, I can't see any "sensible" time for pregnancy and babies at all. In fact I can see it being put off until very late in life indeed. Unfortunately for me this isn't really a risk I want to take, as I have endometriosis, and, as my GP has kindly pointed out a number of times, the longer I delay the less chance i'll have of a natural conception. So here we are, one year into the course, seriously considering trying for a baby. Our thoughts at present are to possibly try between Sept-Dec this year for a Summer baby (during my holiday) but very aware that the chances of being lucky enough to achieve this are slim.
My question really is, are there any other mums out there who have had babies at university? Did you cope ok with the course? I am also very aware that, as the only married person on my course I will probably be of great interest to fellow students if I were pregnant, how did that make you feel? Sorry for the long post. Fortunately my husband is self employed and works from home, he is incredibly supportive. Pros with waiting seem to be mostly money and cons are time with the baby, chances of conception dwindling which would cause even greater stress.

OP posts:
Original poster
NurseDoctor · 19/04/2014 14:28

BarbaraPalmer This is exactly what I found when looking in to it. It almost seems to be either as a student (preferably not near finals) or as a consultant. The years in between seem to be the worst. Unfortunately I won't be a consultant until at least mid-late 30s depending on specialty chosen, job availability etc.

OP posts:
ILiveInAPineappleCoveredInSnow · 19/04/2014 14:30

I had a baby in 3rd yr of med school. It was fine, I got loads of USS as was on o&g at the time, studying was fine although I have memories of rocking a pram with my foot whilst studying!!! After I graduated, I career changed as I didn't find the hours suited me and DH, due to having a young dc - the Uni part was fine in terms of hours but being a junior dr would have meant hardly seeing my dc in his toddler-hood and it wasn't for me.

You have to decide what is best for you and your family though. Whatever you decide, you will make it work and it will be fine.
Good luck with the course!

fishybits · 19/04/2014 14:37

I have PCOS and endometriosis and had a DD aged 36. This is what I did. I had my womb and surrounding area cleared of all scar tissue, cysts and endometriosis tissue before having the Mirena coil fitted, decided to ttc, had the coil removed and fell pregnant naturally within 9 months. I'm not going to waste bandwidth explaining the reasons, logic, success rate etc but Mr Richardson at C&W, London is a good person to discuss this with.

scottishmummy · 19/04/2014 14:37

Have realistic expectations.you'll not be at every nursery/school play.you'll miss stuff
You'll not be as available as other mums.thats just how it goes pursuing a career
And post qualifying you'll still sit exams and study,doesn't stop at graduation

Clobbered · 19/04/2014 14:40

Maybe you should consider general practice as a career option? Much shorter training period than hospital medicine and perhaps a reasonable compromise if you want to fit children in too?

Original poster
NurseDoctor · 19/04/2014 14:44

fishybits Brilliant info thank you! I will definitely investigate this. So glad it worked out for you

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 19/04/2014 14:46

I think you just realistically accept you'll be unavailable/busy at times and dh will step up
Rotations,placement and exams mean no you'll not be as available as other mums
But you're describing well solid family support

And fwiw,only pursue gp if you're interested in it.male doctors don't get herded into gp because they're parents...

yellowdinosauragain · 19/04/2014 14:52

And fwiw,only pursue gp if you're interested in it.male doctors don't get herded into gp because they're parents...

Hear hear scottishmummy. It is more family friendly than other specialities but it's certainly possible to juggle work and family in other specialities. I'm a general surgeon working part time and I do just fine thanks!

Horsemad · 19/04/2014 14:52

Get cracking OP!

Nothing is certain in life (except death & taxation!) so just go for it and see what happens. You probably won't regret the hard work and difficulties that come with studying medicine and parenting at the same time, but you WILL regret not trying earlier, if you really struggle to conceive in a few years time.

Your home life is stable; as long as you have faith your DH will muck in, then GO FOR IT!

Original poster
NurseDoctor · 19/04/2014 14:55

scottishmummy Yes I guess I just have to accept I can't completely have it all, but would hopefully be able to have most of it! My own mum worked when I was small and couldn't always be there for school plays etc. I usually had someone else from the family there, my mum found this incredibly hard but i'd imagine this is the same for most working mums. I don't think i'd pursue GP just for that reason. For one thing it is still a demanding job, often before 8 start to after 7pm finish and in all honesty if I were going to go into an area i'm not interested in there is probably little point in sticking with medicine. However I may find I love GP and it's a great fit…

OP posts:
LadyRabbit · 19/04/2014 14:56

I dunno, you're really young OP. if you were 36 then I'd say yeah get cracking. I know someone who like you had a history of gynae issues and was also re-training as a doctor. She timed dc1 for the summer changeover after her first year as a junior. Took a year out then went back for yr 2. And was a lot older than you. I'd hang on if I were you - the beauty of waiting til you're actually being a junior doctor is that you will have a wage and thus maternity pay and leave. Plus you can actually have a year to enjoy your baby.

Original poster
NurseDoctor · 19/04/2014 14:56

Horsemad Thank you! Love the positivity!

OP posts:
Original poster
NurseDoctor · 19/04/2014 14:58

yellowdinosauragain I've met a few female consultants with children so it is definitely possible to pick other specialities. With half of med students now female I think most specialties will need to become more accepting.

OP posts:
Parsnipcake · 19/04/2014 14:58

I had an unplanned baby in my 4th year. I took a year out, went back and finished but as a single parent with no local support, I then went into research, which I loved. I then retrained in psychotherapy and am now a foster carer. I wouldn't put off having a family for your career, careers are fluid, we only have small windows of opportunity for having children.

Onlysteelheals · 19/04/2014 15:07

I had my DS during my core surgical training. I wish i had him earlier because it was probably the most ridiculous time. I'm now trying for my second as a registrar and have had to accept my career has to not take the usual route. I'm a staff grade and can't see how actually seeing and being there for DS would work out with a training number.

There is probably much more support in med school compared with in hospitals, especially in the surgical specialties. You do however need a very supportive husband who will have to accept that he may need to do bulk of emergency childcare. If your income is low enough there is actually a lot of support for childcare which will evaporate once you start earning.

Original poster
NurseDoctor · 19/04/2014 15:12

Onlysteelheals This is what I have noticed. As a student I am entitled to 85% of my childcare costs covered. I also get longer holidays and fairly regular hours. Although financially we my be better off when I qualify i'd imagine most of my wage would be eaten up by childcare. Fortunately my husband is able to work very flexible hours which he can set himself. I am however under no illusion he could provide all the childcare so would definitely have to go down the nursery/childminder route. Did you train as a school leaver?

OP posts:
yellowdinosauragain · 19/04/2014 15:13

Onlysteelheals it works out by working part time and having a supportive dh!

Original poster
NurseDoctor · 19/04/2014 15:14

Parsnipcake This is what i'm thinking. It's all very well thinking I may conceive later on, but I would kick myself if I put it off and couldn't. If I couldn't manage I know the uni always give an option to take a year out, not ideal, but not the end of the world.

OP posts:
Onlysteelheals · 19/04/2014 15:22

yellow as an aside, did you work part-time as a registrar? If so, how did that work with lists? I'm in Ortho and can only imagine my bosses faces if I suggested this (and I'm currently in a very supportive dept).

Tbh, DH is now a sahp largely because of the difficulty we had getting out of hrs childcare (he worked shifts too in a different sector). DS went to a CM from 4/12 and honestly he's thrived there so much so he still goes a few times a week with free over 3 hours.

At some point though you just have to bite the bullet. There's always pros and cons to when's the best time but I've not fallen pg yet after months of trying and I don't have any additional health concerns - I'd hate to have the added pressure of this being my first (too many what ifs in my mind).

Onlysteelheals · 19/04/2014 15:25

I did but had a break in the middle - got funding to go to another uni to do a completely unrelated degree. I loved it but meant that I returned as a mature student and then got caught in the middle of the f1/2 change.

Original poster
NurseDoctor · 19/04/2014 15:34

Onlysteelheals Oh I see, yes i've found due to the length of the course even school leavers/those a few years younger than me, will sill have some decisions to make when it comes to planning a family. I have also met very few women in ortho so it's great to meet a female mum in ortho!

OP posts:
Xmasbaby11 · 19/04/2014 15:57

I would delay ttc as you're still young. get your degree under your belt first and you'll be in a better position to have children. that's just my opinion though .. I put it off til I was 35 and have no regrets.

sarinka · 19/04/2014 15:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AreWeThereYeti · 19/04/2014 16:11

Sorry, this is a bit of a disjointed post.

I would say go for it now. Grin

However, you should really think things through so that you are as prepared as possible.
Is your DPs buisness really secure? Also, (sorry about being 'negative') are you 100% confident in your marriage and you DHs willingness to take on most the parenting AND his work.

If you got pregnant soon you can guarentee it's going to be hard at times and you have to be confident that everything else is in place IYSWIM.
You can try and work out the timing of the birth. You never know it might work and there is no harm in trying. You could use an ovulation kit to boost the chances??

You shouldn't underestimate that you have more energy at 26 than when you are older. I could live off thin air and adrenalin at that age Wink

I don't think its a good idea going into it with the expectation that your Mum/MIL will help out during the holidays. It's the type of arrangement that's fantastic if it works out but shouldn't be counted on.
I had my first at 25 and was really glad not to have left it later.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

Btw I'm amazed you are the only married person on your course. There are usually loads of mature students doing medicine.

Original poster
NurseDoctor · 19/04/2014 16:19

AreWeThereYeti thanks! Yep I totally agree I can't count on it. I just have to hope I will get that extra support. I would say yes I am 100% confident in my marriage. We have relocated 150 miles for my course (though thankfully we aren't 150 miles from all family and friends) something he didn't have to do. Yes a friend suggested ovulation kits. I have no idea how accurate they are?
Unfortunately it's the reality. There are a few men aged 26-33 none are married or have children. There are also lots of recent graduated aged 22-24 again none are married or even close to considering children.. i have officially the oddball! Ha!

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