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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Deciding to try for a baby whilst at Medical school… am I mental?

206 replies

NurseDoctor · 19/04/2014 13:35

Hi everyone. I've seen a couple of similar posts but nothing very recent. First post here as i'm not actually qualified to be a "mums netter" yet (as not yet a mum!). I am a mature student studying medicine and living with my husband. We have been married for almost 4 years and have recently had a sit down/serious think about when will actually be an optimal time to have children. I am just finishing my first year and will have 4 months off for summer to work and build up our currently sad savings account. Due to the length of the course (5 years) and the 2 years of foundation training following this, followed by specialty selection and training, I can't see any "sensible" time for pregnancy and babies at all. In fact I can see it being put off until very late in life indeed. Unfortunately for me this isn't really a risk I want to take, as I have endometriosis, and, as my GP has kindly pointed out a number of times, the longer I delay the less chance i'll have of a natural conception. So here we are, one year into the course, seriously considering trying for a baby. Our thoughts at present are to possibly try between Sept-Dec this year for a Summer baby (during my holiday) but very aware that the chances of being lucky enough to achieve this are slim.
My question really is, are there any other mums out there who have had babies at university? Did you cope ok with the course? I am also very aware that, as the only married person on my course I will probably be of great interest to fellow students if I were pregnant, how did that make you feel? Sorry for the long post. Fortunately my husband is self employed and works from home, he is incredibly supportive. Pros with waiting seem to be mostly money and cons are time with the baby, chances of conception dwindling which would cause even greater stress.

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 19/04/2014 14:02

Not to put you off but but babies are hard work in themselves. Could your dh be a STAHD, or could family members help out with looking after the baby.

Original poster
NurseDoctor · 19/04/2014 14:04

MedusaIsHavingaBadHairday Very true, the Uni can make all kinds of promises, but following through is a totally different matter. I see what you mean about 5th year… but I definitely want more than one child if possible, so I have no idea when I would have another!

OP posts:
Original poster
NurseDoctor · 19/04/2014 14:07

SockQueen You have hit the nail on the head, finance, childcare and managing to pass my exams and see the baby are my main concerns.

OP posts:
LEMmingaround · 19/04/2014 14:07

To be honest, it is starting to sound like now is the best time! Go and make one now!! Wink

Seriously, it does sound like you have a good support network and you are right, you cannot predict anything

yellowdinosauragain · 19/04/2014 14:09

I'd also like to add that I'm currently working part time and trying to study for my professional exams whilst juggling that with caring for 2 sons aged 6 and 8. They are pretty self sufficient and their dad is great and supportive but add on top of that the sleep deprivation of the early years and I think managing to study enough to even be 'good enough' would be really really hard.

This doesn't mean you shouldn't do it. But you should really think about the impact it might have on your studies. And on your marriage. Because if you're a full time student, with extra study on top, and trying to care for your child your marriage will have to be pretty strong.

Good luck with whatever you decide

Original poster
NurseDoctor · 19/04/2014 14:09

yellowdinosauragain thanks! so great to hear! I guess there is no way to predict what will happen I just need to research financial options and hope the Med school are nice to me Smile

OP posts:
LEMmingaround · 19/04/2014 14:11

What i don't understand is this - (not really relevant to the thread but a god place to ask).

Drs need to be on the ball - not shattered and unable to think straight through lack of sleep. why is it then that they are put under sooooo much pressure at the start of their careers? Is it some sort of initiation process? surely they should be well rested and able to fit in the study they need on top of their clinical work? It is surely a job where there should be less pressure in terms of time management so they can concentrate on making the right decisions.

yellowdinosauragain · 19/04/2014 14:11

Also, don't be lulled into the false sense of security of thinking 'i know what night shifts are like, a baby will be fine!' like I did. Night shifts are nothing like looking after a newborn. It is like night shifts, plus day shifts, with occasional short breaks for sleep, on a continuous loop. For several months.

Original poster
NurseDoctor · 19/04/2014 14:12

Ruushii As someone who currently works as a ward sister I have managed to communicate with my patients just fine for the past 5 years. What I write on a forum and how I act professionally are very different. I very much doubt you communicate the same way with friends as you do at work

OP posts:
yellowdinosauragain · 19/04/2014 14:12

Happy to chat by pm if you like as might have more practical info if you happen to be a student in the same region as I'm working in

Original poster
NurseDoctor · 19/04/2014 14:14

brokenhearted55a yellowdinosauragain I know 26 is still very young but it isn't considering my gynae health problems. My gynaecologist pretty much said past 32 and I may be in trouble. There is a chance I could wait and have no problems whatsoever, but considering life isn't likely to slow down then i'm thinking the added stress and risk may not be worth it

OP posts:
antimatter · 19/04/2014 14:17

yes, she didn't defer yer year
first son was born november during her 1st year, second june of her third year

her parents were on stand by - if nanny was unable to work - as they were semi retired and retired by then they too kcare of her kids
and for many years after during half-terms when she was doing her on calls/nights
I think she was doign 7/8 of her full time job for some tiem

she also entered medical school as a phd so was spared year of compulsory research (if I remember well)
her older son is nearly 24, so she did it also when hours were long

I wouldn't last, she was very determined to be a doctor and her dh was 100% on her side.

Whichever way you do it - you will manage unless external circumstances would stop you. Doing medicine as a second degree is always undertaken by people with strong determination. My SIL always is very complementary of her mature students (she teaches and oversees placements in her hospital), how determined and hard working they are.

I think plan it, talk it through with your dh and family and close friends. You can do it (smile).
My SIL said if she didn't have her second when he was born she would have been forced to postpone second child for quite few years. In the bigger scheme of things is easier to do it whilst studying. That what she said if I remember well.

yellowdinosauragain · 19/04/2014 14:18

Back to the which is most important question then....

I'm sure you could do it if you were very determined, with a strong marriage and some support whether that is family or paid for. There is probably never a perfect time!

Angloamerican · 19/04/2014 14:18

I have to rush out, but I'll be back later to share my thoughts. I had my first child at 30, in the middle of my second year of law school. For context, I'm in the US where law school is a three year doctoral level degree, not a bachelor level degree in the UK.

In short it was brutal but I survived - thrived even! - and don't regret my choice for a second!! Back later...

PassAFist · 19/04/2014 14:19

I would not do this. If you had a child now and continued in your studies, you will miss the majority of your child's early years and those are years that you will never get back. I was not a student when my children were born but DH and I had gotten ourselves into a bit of a financial mess so I was working ridiculously long hours when my children were babies. I missed so so much of their early lives because I was worrying constantly about getting enough hours in to pay the bills. I nursed my babies while I was working, and I worked from home so "lucky" in that sense. DH and I also separated for a bit during those early years which was mostly due to stress (we reconciled after 18 months). I would put my studies on hold if I were going to have a baby now.

scottishmummy · 19/04/2014 14:20

Placements will demand a high standard they'll not cut you slack cause you have a baby
Ok so pragmatically who'll watch baby when you on placement or studying?
Will dh support you,you'll really need this.Are you solvent enough for nursery/cm?

Original poster
NurseDoctor · 19/04/2014 14:20

antimatter Thanks for this. I think really there is probably no right or wrong way to do it. But it's great to hear about these amazing women who have managed it! I think maybe if I knew more mature students in a similar position i'd feel less restless about it. But most people on my course don't even have a partner let alone married or considering children. Nor have I seen many pregnant junior doctors. So I guess I just wondered how any female doctors, particularly those entering the profession slightly later on manage to also have children!

OP posts:
Original poster
NurseDoctor · 19/04/2014 14:23

scottishmummy During our discussion it pretty much came out as some form of paid childcare (nursery/childminder) plus my DH plus MIL/my mum, who although lives further away, owns a nursery and would be willing to stay with us during summer/school holidays to help out. I guess the same way working mothers manage to go back to work.

OP posts:
londonrach · 19/04/2014 14:24

Yes you are. You only 26 and the course you have chosen is going to be very hard. I studied a medical course, not medicine and a lady got pregnant in the middle. She was mature etc but had to drop one year due to the timid taken. She did bring the baby to a couple of lectures which was lovely to see him until he decided he needed feeding and complained very loudly. We didn't see her again after that but I know she stayed again the year after. Unless you have a good support network and an easy pregnancy I'd say wait. Could you take a year off studying. Where do you see your self going...gp, hospital etc..

scottishmummy · 19/04/2014 14:24

Female drs I know had kids post qualifying,after the frenetic training and foundation years
But that's the entry from school mode,as opposed to your route
Fwiw,I think you'll bring a great range and background having been a ward sister

BarbaraPalmer · 19/04/2014 14:25

I work alongside doctors of various grades, and although the "easiest" time to have a baby would be as a consultant, I reckon the next best would be as a student. the inflexible shifts and constant rotation, alongside yet more studying, only seem to get worse as a FY/CT, even ST grade depending on your speciality.

antimatter · 19/04/2014 14:27

I know my SIL planned her kids to be born during those years.
Both sons now graduated and one is working working , younger finishing his masters and planing to do phd.
She started medicine when she was 27 or 28. I think she knew if she postponed she would have long slog later on.

Do you have family living nearby? Can you afford to pay full-time nanny whilst studying?

Many women go back to work when their kids are small and miss those years - that is inevitable in some careers where longer gaps are impossible/hard to have.

scottishmummy · 19/04/2014 14:27

With money,a nursery place and support that makes it more achievable
You'll need dh to step up when you have assignments etc.do discuss this at length
If you've got the money then you can buy the childcare you need

justtrunknotree · 19/04/2014 14:27

I had a baby in the middle of my training to qualify as a HCP.
It was not easy. The hardest bit was the clinical placements as they were full time and full on even though I deferred the last placement.

ilovesooty · 19/04/2014 14:27

I agree with Ruushii actually.