Deciding to try for a baby whilst at Medical school… am I mental?

[NurseDoctor]

Hi everyone. I've seen a couple of similar posts but nothing very recent. First post here as i'm not actually qualified to be a "mums netter" yet (as not yet a mum!). I am a mature student studying medicine and living with my husband. We have been married for almost 4 years and have recently had a sit down/serious think about when will actually be an optimal time to have children. I am just finishing my first year and will have 4 months off for summer to work and build up our currently sad savings account. Due to the length of the course (5 years) and the 2 years of foundation training following this, followed by specialty selection and training, I can't see any "sensible" time for pregnancy and babies at all. In fact I can see it being put off until very late in life indeed. Unfortunately for me this isn't really a risk I want to take, as I have endometriosis, and, as my GP has kindly pointed out a number of times, the longer I delay the less chance i'll have of a natural conception. So here we are, one year into the course, seriously considering trying for a baby. Our thoughts at present are to possibly try between Sept-Dec this year for a Summer baby (during my holiday) but very aware that the chances of being lucky enough to achieve this are slim.
My question really is, are there any other mums out there who have had babies at university? Did you cope ok with the course? I am also very aware that, as the only married person on my course I will probably be of great interest to fellow students if I were pregnant, how did that make you feel? Sorry for the long post. Fortunately my husband is self employed and works from home, he is incredibly supportive. Pros with waiting seem to be mostly money and cons are time with the baby, chances of conception dwindling which would cause even greater stress.

sarinka thanks for your input. Not pissing on my cornflakes at all! All the points you have mentioned are definite realities which are making me question the decision. I guess although I know all those negatives are very real my main concern is I don't see many of them evaporating when I graduate, coupled with the added pressure of fertility. I guess the other issue is friends I have with babies, their babies are HUGELY different. One friend has a baby who sleeps through the night, hardly makes a fuss, and will go to anyone without a problem. Another is a sahm and close to breaking point as she barely has time to put the washing on… How mine would be is not something I can predict

Onlysteelheals yes I went part time as a registrar. First year was fulltime then I went part time (60% LTFT) after my first child was born. So I am still training 8 years later and have to see colleagues who were my juniors becoming consultants but that has been a small price to pay to spend time with my kids while they are little and have a rewarding career. I can't pretend that getting part time working off the ground has always been easy but a combination of being supernumerary, part time in a fulltime job and job share has worked well in the end. I do think I have been lucky and also had an incredibly supportive programme director when I first went part time who really pushed for me to get funding to be supernumerary given that there was no one to job share with at that time. It could have been very different otherwise. However I've found my bosses (mostly male) to be surprisingly supportive actually. I also know someone who is working part time in ortho (albeit as a ct) so it can be done! I'd be very happy to chat more about it by pm if you've got more questions rather than taking over the op thread.

no experience to add just wishes you masses of luck whatever you decide to do! If you decide to go for it now I wish a perfectly timed trouble free pregnancy and calm healthy baby upon you. If you decide to wait I wish an easy conception and perfectly held pregnancy upon you (and a happy baby then too!)

noddingoff you are lovely! thank you!

Best time is towards the end of your registrar training. You can then go part time after (if you wish) without prolonging your training by too much.

The disadvantages with taking mat leave whilst a consultant is that you might have a greater sense of duty towards your department and feel guilty about taking a full year. There may also be issues with cover for your patients etc.

Good luck

I taught in a medical school for 5 years, as opposed to my usual teaching 'grounds', the humanities and there is a huge difference between a Uni degree and a medical degree. I think you need to speak to students in older years and your tutor to get a more realistic picture of what it's like.

Where I taught the first year was fairly easy going and then things got tougher and tougher. While lectures were 9-5 there was a lot of work afterwards doing research, preparing projects and studying for exams. Also medical students had nowhere near the types of holidays other students had. Our students had only two weeks of summer holiday between years 3 and 4. Rotations can also be a problem as you can be expected to turn up to hospitals quite far away from home for unusual shifts.

The climate of the medical school was also very different. It was hyper competitive, with students feeling really stressed about their rankings against other students, about how other members of the group may have been letting them down by not being good enough and I saw more than one student in a pastoral care setting refuse to take a year out because of a sense of shame and worry they would be left behind by their contemporaries. None of these are healthy attitudes and I don't condone them but I think you should consider to what extent you may be affected by them.

Realistically I think you are looking at leaving your baby in full time care very early on and being able to mentaly focus 100% on medicine when you need, which will be most of the time.

Yes you'll need to use ft childcare and yes you'll need to be focused upon career
No woman has it all you need to make informed choices and understand implications
That said,if you invest the mental.emotional,physical energy into your career you'll feel satisfied

But I see your a ward sister,and will have first hand experience of medicine and its demands.that'll be useful in being realistic and understanding the hierarchical nature of medicine.

Garner all available support from dh and extended family. Accept you can't have it all.if you want a demanding vocational career,something's gives.however as yiu progress and her more senior,you'll be more able to negotiate and suit your preferences

Best wishes

The problem with going for a child now is that the child then becomes your priority. This makes studying and work stressful and it's a stressful career already. If you wait 4-5 years then you have had 4-5 lower stress years where you are more likely to have done well, plus you'll be working so can get part time work and mat leave.
I'd leave it.

I think that pp have raised a very good point. I have given up on being 'the best'. When I was in my early years of training, I was always in - coming in on weekends or staying late to get in on theatre as well as taking on extra duties/projects to get ahead. When DH was still working and I did pickups and had to leave on time. The weekends were spent as a family with a bit of time set aside for revision. It's much easier now with DH at home and a dept where most of the bosses have kids themselves and get the whole family work life balance.

I think things will be easier in some ways for you as a sister already. The language of medicine isn't new to you and you are already used to working all hours. I used to teach at a med school and by far and away the mature students were the ones with their heads screwed on. School leavers were shocked at the gear shift as well as constantly comparing themselves to non medics and struggling with the hrs.

Op Has a partner and family,they'll need to step in to support op if she has realistic chance of completion
What op need be mindful of is not be default taking on all parenting because she's mum
Trade off after the Initial slog is stable,in demand career

Onlysteelheals scottishmummy some really important points raised. I definitely think it will be an enormous challenge. Luckily my DH is incredibly supportive. When we discussed this he basically said he is willing to be the primary care giver if need be (for e.g. as he works for himself if child was sick and needed collecting from nursery he would be the one to do it). We basically made this decision when I decided to return to University for Medicine, as I knew at some point, whether it be during training or after, there would be a struggle.

I guess at the moment my main concern is the unknown. I can't think that i'll definitely cope with both when I have no experience of being a mum. It's really great to get some input from people who have first hand experience, or those with other related experience. Thanks everyone!

I think whenever you do it, it'll be tricky, but most people get through one way or another. At a work party a while ago, several consultants (possibly assisted by some vino) took it upon themselves to tell me their thoughts on the best time for me to have children. One said "wait till you've got your CCT," another said "get a registrar number" and another one said "well, my wife got pregnant in her house officer year and we managed in the end." I think there is no perfect time in medicine.

Sockqueen is right that there is no perfect time. There are better and worse times for sure but these will be different for everyone depending on your speciality, what support you have and what your own personal stressors are.

Scottishmummy has it nailed though about not being able to have it all. Something has to give and with you it would most likely be not doing as well as you otherwise might at medical school and probably your marriage needing to take a break seat (to be honest this is the case really with tiny babies anyway).

You've had some good advice and the bottom line is it may work out for you or you may find it overwhelming but have a good think through your options with all the pros and cons. You will make a decision that is right for you and whatever happens in the future I'm sure you'll make it work for the best. Good luck

I took a year out to have dd between my second and third year of medical school, but she was unplanned. I i'm quite glad I had her then as I think it would've been harder after starting f1. We have managed fine

You get generous loans and childcare grants as a student parent.

I say go for it!

Thanks everyone! It's definitely given me a lot of food for thought!
Will also depend how things pan out conception wise! May not be in the cards yet… Thanks for the input

And fwiw I am placed in the 2nd decile of my cohort and will probably graduate with merit, so it won't necessarily affect your performance.

Oh and I have endometriosis too! And a mature student. Are you me?

Sockqueen is also correct that you can apply directly to your foundation school if you have a child. That's what I did, although you do still have to compete for jobs within the deanery.

ImSoOverIt That's really impressive. .

Lol, cross post.

The endometriosis isn't impressive but the rest is

The term "mental" is as offensive as "mong" and "spaz", op, just so you know.

Aside from that...hmm, a lot to consider and only you will know whether it's right for you. Personally I think it would be highly unrealistic not to plan on taking a year out. Do you plan to breastfeed? Also something to think about when condisering how much time off you'd need. Don't underestimate how difficult it would be to leave a baby of 3 or 4 months old. For you and for the baby. What does your dh do? Any chance of him being at home with baby for a bit? From my experience, it's not so much the physical recovery from the birth but the fact that after having a baby I wasn't able to focus on much outside of my baby bubble, and motivating myself to study was very difficult (I had my first during a PhD, never completed, now have three children and one on the way). But I do know people who have been different than I am and gone back to work quickly.

Also, I read that you're only 26...that would make you 32 when you finish f2, which is hardly late in life. I understand about endometriosis and the fears around that but also wonder whether delaying until the age of 32 will make as much of a difference as you think? Also, think about whether you're going to want more than one child. Will you want a 7 year age gap? If not, you'd need to do this twice during Medical School??

ImSoOverIt Ha we are twins! So glad to hear of someone in similar shoes doing so well! Did you find your Medical school supportive?

Thank you. I know I sounded a bit boastful there, but just wanted to get the point across that having a baby won't necessarily mean you'll do badly!

Dp is very good though, and does as much around the house and childcare as I do. I took a year out, but most of that was spent pregnant so I got a job as a receptionist, so if you can carry in studying throughout your pregnancy that could be better. I had dd in January,went back when dd was 9 months and I felt ready, still breastfed her to 12 months - managed to get a good childminder, dp starts work early and finishes early, and family help out so she is only I childcare 3 days a week. It will definitely help if you have good support from your dh and family. I don't think it's any harder having a baby at medical school than it is balancing any demanding career.

Just make sure that dp is prepared to take over childcare/housework in the run up to ISCEs/assignment deadlines etc.

Massive hats off to imsooverit. Bloody well done to you and I wish you all the best in the future too

smartypants1000 No offence was meant. I have people in my own family with mental health problems, but as you would never call someone with these issues "mental" I have never found anyone who has been offended. Definitely wasn't meant that way, it's just a term i've always heard in an informal/jokey manner, same as saying am I insane to consider this? I'm not actually referring to anyone with mental health problems and if i've offended I apologise.

My husband runs his own business from home, mostly online, and has very flexible hours. He is incredibly supportive and luckily very good with children (his brother and sister are much younger than him, he helped to bring them up). My mum has also offered to stay with us after the birth to help with the newborn, something i'd gladly jump at if everything works out. You're right, if we have more than one we probably would have to consider doing this during medical school, or possibly before my F1 year. This is another reason I am hesitant to delay until i've 32, as this would mean i've be mid 30s by a second baby. My gynaecologist was very pressing that before my 30s my chances would be far greater. I guess it's swings and roundabouts!