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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

In thinking that they made their choice so respect mine? Sensitive subject.

268 replies

Imjustexcited · 19/04/2014 11:15

I'm 8 weeks pregnant with DC1 we are very excited and have been TTC for a while now.

My DB and his DF had an abortion early last year after a contraceptive failure and they both came to the decision together, we supported them through this decision and I was always there to be a shoulder to cry on.

Now I am PG I was round my DP's house and my DB is there a lot of the time. I was talking about my pregnancy explaining the different stages of development and just general excited conversation however as soon as DB was out of ear shot they turned around to me and said that I mustn't talk about my pregnancy around there because it has only been a year since the abortion. So now every time my DB is there (nearly everyday) I cannot mention my pregnancy as they don't want to upset DB.

I feel hurt, I know that it must have been a hard decision but surely a year later they should have come to terms with it by now and be happy with mine?

AIBU in thinking this?

OP posts:

NiceTabard · 19/04/2014 11:19

Is it actually your brother who is feeling sensitive about it or are your parents making an assumption? Could it be them who are upset about the abortion and the talk reminds them rather than your brother?

Just seems odd that they would know of his feelings the first time you mentioned it IYSWIM. And that he would not want you to talk about your pregnancy ever.

WaterLoadaCack · 19/04/2014 11:20

YABU.

They made their decision and telling them every detail of your babies developmental stages just pours salt into their wound by reminding them in great detail what they ended.

They are, understandably, asking you to not go into detail.

Be a little more sensative.

NiceTabard · 19/04/2014 11:22

It also means effectively that you can't get support from your parents or encouragement or anything which feels very harsh.

Are they going to avoid mentioning it entirely when he is there - not even a "how are you getting on"?

Bowlersarm · 19/04/2014 11:22

YANBU

I think it's sad for you that you can't share the details of your pregnancy with your parents.

Patchouli · 19/04/2014 11:23

A bit of both I think.
I only really talked about stages of development with people who might be interested, and that's not as many people as you might think.

WaterLoadaCack · 19/04/2014 11:24

I think the developmental stages is the issue. Not just the mere mention of pregnancy.

I made the same mistake with my best friend. I wondered why she was being so off with me about the pregnancy. Turned out (I found out way, way to late) that she'd had a termination 10 years before and quite a late one. I was just reminding her how developed her baby was when she made that decision.

Hoppinggreen · 19/04/2014 11:24

I think that you should be blue to mention that you are pg etc but I think that talking through the developmental stages etc might be a tad insensitive.
Does it have to be all or nothing?

whereisshe · 19/04/2014 11:25

YANBU. This idea that what goes in on one person's life is in some way a commentary on another person's life just causes unnecessary angst. You can't be expected to be waking on eggshells for 40 weeks around them. And what about when the baby comes? Will they never see it in case they get reminded?

A normal person should be able to be simultaneously sad about an abortion and happy that you're pregnant.

An enlightened person would be able to see the joy of a wanted pregnancy as healing the sadness of a terminated unwanted one.

Pimpf · 19/04/2014 11:25

Water load - bullshit.

They made their decision, the right for for them, why should op tiptoe around them?

whereisshe · 19/04/2014 11:26

*walking not waking on eggshells obviously!

WaterLoadaCack · 19/04/2014 11:27

I never suggested tiptoeing. I just suggested that talking about the baby having finger nails and so on would be difficult for DB to hear.

WaterLoadaCack · 19/04/2014 11:28

Can I reiterate, I am only referring to the discussion of the developmental stages of the fetus.

RedandChecker · 19/04/2014 11:29

YANBU regarding wanting to be excited about your pregnancy around them and you should be able to and they should not make you feel uncomfortable; as you said they have made their decision and it was a year ago.

But I would say YABU discussing developmental stages of eight weeks, you may be giving them information they weren't aware of about what a Feteus is developing at 8 weeks, it may be making them feel guilty and hurt. I think saying you're excited and cannot wait to meet your baby is fine but I can also see how discussing the developments at 8 weeks could be hurtful.

Congratulations

gordyslovesheep · 19/04/2014 11:30

yanbu to want to talk about your pregnancy but as to the rest - a little bit of kindness wouldn't go amiss

all this 'they should have got over it' stuff - you don't know how they feel and there is no time limit of feelings

it may have been their decision but it doesn't mean it wasn't a hard one and that it didn't hurt

maybe a bit of tact and empathy would be nice

Bowlersarm · 19/04/2014 11:30

....Then that is tiptoeing, if the OP has to think carefully before she opens her mouth and does or doesn't say what she would like to, because of a decision her DB and his gf made.

Flexiblefriend · 19/04/2014 11:30

I think YANBU, your parents shouldn't have said that. Maybe you need to have a chat with your brother and or his partner and see how they do feel about it. It's not unreasonable for them to expect you to be sensitive if it is still raw for them, but you can't be expected to never mention it. It's going to be pretty hard to ignore your large bump, and the actual baby that will be along in a few months!

javotte · 19/04/2014 11:30

YANBU.
You cannot decide to have an abortion but not want to hear the truth about it.

Pimpf · 19/04/2014 11:30

Why would it be difficult to hear. This was not a baby what was wanted, it was a contraception failure, they they jointly chose to end (unless they have not been honest)

What happens if and when they decide to have a baby together, they will want to mark the same kind of milestones the op does, I'm guessing it will be ok then?

Op, enjoy your pregnancy. I would also talk to your db and see if this has come from him or if its your parents

RedandChecker · 19/04/2014 11:31

Yes what water load said in regards to developmental stages ^ just regarding this topic is unreasonable, everything else, fine

NiceTabard · 19/04/2014 11:31

It;s not her brother and his partner she was talking to was it though, it was her parents, and they have asked her not to mention her pregnancy to them when her brother is there which is a lot of the time.

Others seem to have a different reading - that she was talking to her DB and his partner? Have I misunderstood?

WaterLoadaCack · 19/04/2014 11:32

Exactly Gordy.

RedandChecker · 19/04/2014 11:33

' why would it be difficult to hear its what they wanted' I don't like this attitude. I think it's important to try and put yourself in someone's shoes when you can't understand something. Just because the baby was. It wanted; doesn't make it any easier to lose or make such a hard decision - hearing about developmental stages is more than understandable that it may be difficult to hear.

WaterLoadaCack · 19/04/2014 11:33

Yes Bowler for the sake of her brother, the OP might need to think about what she says. Because thats a nice thing to do for someone who she presumably loves.

Nyborg · 19/04/2014 11:33

I'm in a similar situation. My SIL had an abortion five years ago - it was the right choice for her both at the time and in hindsight, though something I know I could never choose. DH and I were very supportive of her and MIL in the aftermath.

We're currently a few weeks from EDD with our first baby, and have had a number of losses before this point. I spent 30 mins on the phone to MIL last week while she retold me the story of SIL's abortion in great detail. I understand why our baby is throwing up might-have-beens for MIL at the moment, but I wish she'd pick someone else to discuss it with.

bumbleymummy · 19/04/2014 11:33

YANBU. I think it is very sad that you can't share your excitement. How long is that supposed to last for? Will your DB not want to see your baby because it will remind him that they terminated a pregnancy?

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