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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

In thinking that they made their choice so respect mine? Sensitive subject.

268 replies

Imjustexcited · 19/04/2014 11:15

I'm 8 weeks pregnant with DC1 we are very excited and have been TTC for a while now.

My DB and his DF had an abortion early last year after a contraceptive failure and they both came to the decision together, we supported them through this decision and I was always there to be a shoulder to cry on.

Now I am PG I was round my DP's house and my DB is there a lot of the time. I was talking about my pregnancy explaining the different stages of development and just general excited conversation however as soon as DB was out of ear shot they turned around to me and said that I mustn't talk about my pregnancy around there because it has only been a year since the abortion. So now every time my DB is there (nearly everyday) I cannot mention my pregnancy as they don't want to upset DB.

I feel hurt, I know that it must have been a hard decision but surely a year later they should have come to terms with it by now and be happy with mine?

AIBU in thinking this?

OP posts:

Quodlibet · 19/04/2014 12:17

If your DB had had a miscarriage would you still be expecting him to get over it?
Both are forms of pregnancy loss; you can be immensely sad about terminating at the same time as knowing it was the best thing for you. I understand your excitement but it really wouldn't hurt to be a little more sensitive.

NiceTabard · 19/04/2014 12:19

Her parents have asked her not to mention her pregnancy at all, not just vetoed conversation about developmental stages.

WaterLoadaCack · 19/04/2014 12:19

OP you are being a little daft by saying you cant talk to your parents about pregnancy at all.

All you have to do is think a little when your brother is present.

I genuinely dont understand why that is difficult or an issue.

However, congratulations. I remember the excitement of my first pregnancy, it was a very lovely feeling.

PotteringAlong · 19/04/2014 12:21

I think the pregnant world can be split into those who say "I'm pregnant" and those who say "we're pregnant".

I'm the former. I suspect the OP is the latter. I also think there is a fundamental difference between the outlook on pregnancy.

It's not about not being excited. But you do need to be aware that not everyone wants, or needs, to know every detail for whatever reason.

NiceTabard · 19/04/2014 12:21

Why is she being daft, her mum was quite clear on what she expected.

If my mum said your brother is very upset, I don't think anyone should mention your pregnancy when he is here, I would take that on face value. It's not an unclear message.

bumbleymummy · 19/04/2014 12:21

R&C, I would have thought that an appropriate time and place to be excited about my pregnancy and share details about it would have been with my family.

RedandChecker · 19/04/2014 12:23

Yes you would have bumble unless a member of your family had been through something horrible such as making eh decision to not have a child. it's not black and white you know, bumble

Floggingmolly · 19/04/2014 12:23

Yanbu. Your db and his partner have not experienced the miscarriage of a much wanted baby; they had, in their own words; a contraceptive failure which they dealt with in a way of their choosing.
I don't get why you talking about your pregnancy would be such a sensitive subject, they actively chose not to be where you are themselves

Pimpf · 19/04/2014 12:23

I'm not saying they should be fine with it, I'm saying that they need to accept it and be supportive of the op. if they can't handle it they need to be aware and be supportive by going away and allowing the op time alone with her parents. Why should the op not be able to discuss what is going on and be excited? Why should she tiptoe around? It's all one sided and as I said from my experience it had a huge impact on me when I was the one tip toeing around, yes I had a baby at the end of it, but it wasn't all good

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 19/04/2014 12:25

bumbley... I'm not actually talking about the OP here. You have an audience of (primarily) women on a chatboard who might also not want a lecture on abortion however relevant 'development stage' is to the thread.

bumbleymummy · 19/04/2014 12:25

It's not like she was deliberately doing it to upset him RedAndC - and now she's been told that she can't mention her pregnancy when he's there (which is most of the time). I think that's incredibly unfair. Will she have to start wearing baggy clothes to hide her bump when she comes to visit?

Pimpf · 19/04/2014 12:26

But it wasn't a miscarriage was it, it was a contraception failure, it was not a wanted baby. And yes, I know it still might have been a difficult decision and it might still hurt, but none of this is the ops fault and she is being made to feel bad and guilty.

NiceTabard · 19/04/2014 12:27

I also think the OP needs to have time with her parents when she can talk about it. I assume as well her parents will want to know how she is feeling, what the midwife said at the appt, how are test results and so on.

Although if DB is very sensitive, it may be hard to explain that to him without upsetting him, ditto any change to their usual routine (seems that OP and her brother are often around at their parents house and usually at the same time). He might find it upsetting if they ask him not to come on X day, or finds out that she went out with them and he wasn't invited etc.

Depends on family dynamics really.

bumbleymummy · 19/04/2014 12:28

I'm not 'lecturing' anyone LyingWitch. You've said yourself "I think that anybody who has ever undergone an abortion knows exactly the development stage at which the pregnancy was terminated." It's not like it's a surprise. Give over.

LadyRabbit · 19/04/2014 12:30

YANBU, OP. I could maybe understand if they had lost the baby through miscarriage, then I do feel a little sensitivity is required. But they didn't, they chose to terminate and while that is never an easy decision and requires support and compassion, you should not have your joy and excitement quelled by your parents. I think they're the ones who are being very U; you have no idea if it's bothering your DB or not, and if it does then HE should mention it, not your parents.

Congratulations on your pregnancy, OP, may it all go smoothly and may you enjoy every minute of it as openly as you like!

sarahquilt · 19/04/2014 12:31

YANBU. They can't expect everyone to tiptoe around them.

sooperdooper · 19/04/2014 12:33

There's s difference between not mentioning your pregnancy at all ever and having the sensitivity not to talk in minute detail about the developmental stage at 8 weeks in front of someone whose partner has recently had an abortion.

YABU not to understand that difference

RedandChecker · 19/04/2014 12:33

"But it wasn't a miscarriage was it''
Having been through several miscarriages I can still see the heartache of an abortion and how they have similarities it still is a loss. With miscarriages yes there is that horrible feeling that something and someone you really wanted has been taken away from you without your control it is hurtful. However withy abortion it was in your control which can be equally hurtful in a different way as you have to deal with the guilt of this and it could take a long time to come to terms with your decision

Pimpf · 19/04/2014 12:36

But it's not just the developmental stages she being asked not to mention, it's the pregnancy in general. Still no one has answered my question, why is it always the pregnant ones who have to tip toe around? And saying because they get a baby doesn't wash, it can have negative effects and in the case the baby wasn't wanted.

Pimpf · 19/04/2014 12:37

Ad why can't the brother allow his sister some time alone with the parents?

WaterLoadaCack · 19/04/2014 12:39

Who on earth said the brother wasnt allowing her time with her folks?

RedandChecker · 19/04/2014 12:41

Sorry, pimpf, I don't understand your question ?
No ones saying she should tiptoe around and I think everyone's agreed she should be able to say she's excited etc it's just not mentioning the developmental stages at 8 weeks in front of DB. I don't think that's making anyone tiptoe just realising its best to be sensitive about this one particular subject for now.

I am pregnant and I would be sensitive to this, I wouldn't think because I am pregnant I can do and say what I like because I am excited and pregnant and therefor entitled to not think of other peoples feelings, not saying that's what the op is doing because she has now told us she understands the point of view now etc. I just mean in regards to your question

TheAwfulDaughter · 19/04/2014 12:43

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

BigBoobiedBertha · 19/04/2014 12:43

Maybe your DB sees it as an unspoken criticism of him that you are having a baby when he and his partner chose not to go ahead? A bit like look I'm having a baby - look what you are missing. This could have been you'.

The other thing that occurs to me is that it could be your parents that are feeling the loss and projecting their sadness onto your brother. They can't feel excited knowing that they could have had a grandchild already.

All of this is pure speculation of course but it seems to me that you can't know what is going on in their heads because nobody is really saying.

It seems a bit harsh that your parents are telling you not to say anything. I think it is partly your DB's problem to deal with so long as you aren't rubbing his nose in it, which it doesn't sound like you are. He and his partner made a choice they were both happy with. Why does their choice not to have a child trump your choice to get pregnant and have a baby? How about your DB being a bit sensitive about this? You have been supportive of him, can't he be supportive of you too or does it only go one way?

gordyslovesheep · 19/04/2014 12:47

if she had had a miscarriage would you still feel it was okay?

does abortion give you the right to be unkind?

you have every right to be excited - but you should also be sensitive

having an abortion doesn't make people not hurt or have feelings

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