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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In thinking that they made their choice so respect mine? Sensitive subject.

268 replies

Imjustexcited · 19/04/2014 11:15

I'm 8 weeks pregnant with DC1 we are very excited and have been TTC for a while now.

My DB and his DF had an abortion early last year after a contraceptive failure and they both came to the decision together, we supported them through this decision and I was always there to be a shoulder to cry on.

Now I am PG I was round my DP's house and my DB is there a lot of the time. I was talking about my pregnancy explaining the different stages of development and just general excited conversation however as soon as DB was out of ear shot they turned around to me and said that I mustn't talk about my pregnancy around there because it has only been a year since the abortion. So now every time my DB is there (nearly everyday) I cannot mention my pregnancy as they don't want to upset DB.

I feel hurt, I know that it must have been a hard decision but surely a year later they should have come to terms with it by now and be happy with mine?

AIBU in thinking this?

OP posts:
NiceTabard · 19/04/2014 13:19

You wouldn't even ask how your pregnant child was or show an interest in the results of their anomoly scan?

Honestly I know I'm not a particularly emotional person but if my parents hadn't even asked how I was from time to time I would have found that a bit weird, and upsetting TBH.

Telling the OP that she mustn't be upset that her parents have told her to zip it about all aspects of her pregnancy on the basis that you find it boring is kind of a bit unempathtic maybe? And I don't even believe that you wouldn't even ask how they are or anything. Even if you weren't interested simply out of courtesy.

Pimpf · 19/04/2014 13:23

But the brother is there, most of the time. So what, when he's there she has to pretend she's not pregnant?

And again, just cos you don't care doesn't mean everyone else feels the same way.

Original poster
Imjustexcited · 19/04/2014 13:24

Thank you for your congratulations.

I would never have mentioned about my baby's development if my brother had pulled me aside and told me that he is still upset about the abortion. It isn't a topic of conversation between the family, I was there for both of them in the beginning and it soon became something that we didn't ever mention so that they could grieve.

I was only repeating what I had read in my pregnancy book that morning, nothing more than excitement at the growing baby inside of me. I had no idea or even an inkling that it would upset my DB. I will think before I speak next time.

My family are very close especially my DF and DB and that's why he is always round there. I live quite far away so he likes to visit when I am so we can see each other together. If I asked my DP's to come for a meal DB would automatically be invited because that is just how things are so seeing them alone would be difficult.

OP posts:
Moonfacesmother · 19/04/2014 13:24

I think it depends how full on you were. Possibly a bit too much. And given that you'll 'only want to show baby off' after it's born it sounds like it won't improve.

It's understandable you are excited but most people don't want to hear every mind boggling detail. My parents didn't when I was pregnant.

I think YABU - just because they terminated doesn't mean it wasn't hard. Maybe they would have ideally liked to keep the baby but circumstances meant they couldn't. I think being excited is fine, talking about development stages is a bit ott.

WaterLoadaCack · 19/04/2014 13:24

Pimpf you are being so OTT about this, its amusing.

GrassIsSinging · 19/04/2014 13:25

My stepsister announced she was pregnant at a family dinner a fortnight after I had just had a miscarriage. The conversation turned to her pregnancy for the next 30 minutes, including ooh-ing and ahh-ing over her 12 weeks scan pic. It was one of the worst 30 minutes of my life. I was crushed. It wasnt bitterness towards her or a wish to ruin her happy moment that hurt me - it was that there was no acknowledgement whatsoever from her, her DH or extended family that I might be just a little bit sensitive about it all.

The only decent thing to do in this situation is to bypass the parents (its nothing to do with them!) and go to the brother and his fiancee and talk about it. Acknowledge their feelings and try to work it out. What else can you do?

GrassIsSinging · 19/04/2014 13:26

And whetherit was a miscarriageor abortion is meaningless. The OP said that they had found the decision to terminate difficult and it had been a tough time for them. Thats what matters.

Pimpf · 19/04/2014 13:30

Ten I think you need to talk to your db, it doesn't have to be a huge confrontation, you can explain that your parents told you he was upset and that your sorry you didn't mean to but you can't pretend that this isn't happening and that you hope he'll be happy for you.

NiceTabard · 19/04/2014 13:34

Imjustexcited I don't know what to suggest really.

If I were in your shoes I'd adhere to their wishes and not mention anything about it, obviously.

I know it is a shame but I think you have to accept that you won't be getting to share this with your parents and kind of come to terms with that somehow and share with others instead. I know it's not the same but there's not really any other option there. You don't want to upset your brother, you don't want to go against your parents wishes, you can't see them without him.

Do you talk on the phone much that's the only thing I can think of.

bumbleymummy · 19/04/2014 13:35

gordy, your post at 12.47 "does abortion give you the right to be unkind?"

Not contradicting myself - they said they didn't want her to talk about her pregnancy while she was there (her brother is often there). My reply to expat was because she said the parents didn't want to hear about it. That wasn't the case.

I'mJustExcited, don't feel bad. Honestly. You couldn't have known that it would upset him (And perhaps your parents don't know for sure that it would either). There are many of us here who think you are perfectly entitled to be excited and that it is a bit unfair and unreasonable that you should not be allowed to talk about your pregnancy. Congratulations from me too. I remember how excited I was (for all my pregnancies!) :)

Pimpf, there is nothing OTT about your posts. Ignore people who try to bully and ridicule when they don't agree with you.

RedandChecker · 19/04/2014 13:37

Yawn at bullying comment

Pimpf · 19/04/2014 13:38

Maybe I am water, but for good reason. Because of my having to tip toe around someone And pretend i wasn't pregnant, I had a very negative pregnancy and it caused issues bonding with dd2.

And just because a few people of here find baby and pregnancy talk boring, why should they assume that everyone else does?

I don't see why it is all down to the op to be sensitive and supportive, tact works both ways.

Pimpf · 19/04/2014 13:40

Grass, that is horrendous and I'm sorry that happened to you.

missnevermind · 19/04/2014 13:43

To be honest I Don't seem to Be as nice as some of the previous posters.
Leaving DB out of it I would be tempted to turn the tables on my parents and inform them how upset I had been about the termination because I had been trying to conceive for a long time. Maybe talk about them being given and not wanting what you were working so hard to obtain.
Remind them that you have feelings too.

Floggingmolly · 19/04/2014 13:44

Are the people fixating on how unkind talking about the developmental stages is, forgetting about the ultimate stage of op actually appearing with a real live baby in her arms?
Is she supposed to play that down too?
Keeping quiet about the pregnancy is only going to go so far in not reminding them what they could have had Hmm
And remember too, that they could have had it, and decided they didn't want it.

Pimpf · 19/04/2014 13:46

Finally, some other voices of reason

missnevermind · 19/04/2014 13:47

Sorry my post seems quite snarky even to me.

Impress upon them that even though you had these feelings you were as supportive as it was possible to be with their choice.

expatinscotland · 19/04/2014 13:49

Well, quite honestly, I hope to be dead before either of my children procreates, if they do at all, Nice, since you hijacked the thread to make it all about me. And yes, I mean that 100%. Very truly.

So the parents gave her a reason they don't want her talking about the baby's development, the pregnancy, the lunar eclipse, Ed Milliband or whatever. They don't want it discussed in front of her brother. Their house, their rules.

There are phones, loads of online chat facilities, what have you for discussing it without him.

So use those.

wigglylines · 19/04/2014 13:51

I had a termination at 11+3. (Before you judge me for it being so late, I had to wait for a whole month for the termination after I found out. No money to go private. That was hard.)

Although I am comfortable it was the right choice, it's still painful. Nearly a decade later, I still find it hard to hear or see early development of fetuses. Of course logically I know about the developmental stages, but I am a human being with emoti

expatinscotland · 19/04/2014 13:52

Most people don't judge others for their terminations, wiggly, thankfully. Your choice, your business.

Pimpf · 19/04/2014 13:53

Not judging you for having a termination, you did what you had to do, and I understand your upset, but you can't expect the rest of the world to tip toe Round you

YoureBeingASillyBilly · 19/04/2014 13:54

Who needs to talk about the stages of their pregnancy every day to the same people? Confused not much chanhes day to day. Why not just mention when something significant has happened, like MS stopped or had a scan or felt the kicks.

wigglylines · 19/04/2014 13:56

Oops ...

I was saying, I have emotions and it's still a sensitive subject. When I was pregnant with DS and DD I had books with the developmental stages. I skipped the first trimester completely. Too painful to dwell on it.

OP, YABU to expect them to be over it. They terminated their baby. Even if they don't regret it, it may be extremely painful for them, have a bit of sensitivity.

kungfupannda · 19/04/2014 14:05

I think you've been a bit insensitive.

I'm assuming the abortion was fairly early on, so possibly around the same stage of development that you're talking about.

There are presumably opportunities for you to talk about developmental stages with your parents when your brother isn't there, or other people like your partner or friends who would be happy to hear about it.

I don't think you need to hide your pregnancy from your brother, but discussing the exact stages of development in front of someone who may have struggled with the decision to end a pregnancy at around the same time, is something that you could, perhaps, have approached with a little more care.

You're very early in your pregnancy, and your brother may well come to terms with things fairly quickly, but I don't think he needs to be forced into confronting all the details of growing a baby quite so soon in the pregnancy.

wigglylines · 19/04/2014 14:05

I certainly don't expect the test of the world to tiptoe round me! But I think it's fine to ask family or close friends to be s bit more sensitive if they're not getting it.

If I was unwittingly doing something which was causing a friend pain, I'd expect them to tell me. And if I could easily do what they asked - in this case not talk to them about pregnancy - I woukd of course, why wouldn't you?'

The correct and caring thing to do is stop causing them pain by wittering on about pregnancy when they're around. Not decide they should be over it by now. How self-centred and unkind :(