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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In thinking that they made their choice so respect mine? Sensitive subject.

268 replies

Imjustexcited · 19/04/2014 11:15

I'm 8 weeks pregnant with DC1 we are very excited and have been TTC for a while now.

My DB and his DF had an abortion early last year after a contraceptive failure and they both came to the decision together, we supported them through this decision and I was always there to be a shoulder to cry on.

Now I am PG I was round my DP's house and my DB is there a lot of the time. I was talking about my pregnancy explaining the different stages of development and just general excited conversation however as soon as DB was out of ear shot they turned around to me and said that I mustn't talk about my pregnancy around there because it has only been a year since the abortion. So now every time my DB is there (nearly everyday) I cannot mention my pregnancy as they don't want to upset DB.

I feel hurt, I know that it must have been a hard decision but surely a year later they should have come to terms with it by now and be happy with mine?

AIBU in thinking this?

OP posts:
NiceTabard · 19/04/2014 11:52

I think that Lying spells out how I feel as well.

NiceTabard · 19/04/2014 11:53

Does some kind of bloody alarm go off on your desktop bumbley?

This thread is not a debate about abortion.

ExcuseTypos · 19/04/2014 11:54

You just need to be a bit more tactful around your brother. He can't be there in the same room as you all the time, so just chat when he's not there.

Just because they made their decision doesn't mean it doesn't hurt them or make them feel sad that they felt they had to do it. So please have some tact.

MrsCakesPremonition · 19/04/2014 11:55

As an adult man, I would expect the DB to be able to take responsibility for the consequences of the choice that he and his DF made without the rest of the family having to anticipate his reactions. As someone who struggled with infertility for years, I never expected anyone to make any accommodations for my feelings, although mostly people were very kind.

I also think that it would be kind to pick your moments when talking about your pregnancy and choosing how much detail to go into.

If you don't work out a sensible, mature way of dealing with this, you are going to end up like Monica in Friends - wearing peculiar clothes and hiding behind furniture - to disguise your bump.

PansOnFire · 19/04/2014 11:57

YANBU, they made their decision and you have made yours. They have to be comfortable with their decision and shouldn't expect other people not to share details incase it upsets them.

I've spent 2 years unable to talk about the details of my pregnancies and children with my DH's family for a similar reason and it's pissed me off no end. Mainly because the person involved has now had her first child and it's all we hear about. She never asks about our children, it's always about her pregnancy and baby. We weren't allowed to celebrate because it made her feel bad but she hasn't had the decency to acknowledge that she should be a bit more low key as we had to be.

You'll never find a lot of people who agree with you but it's your parents, you should be able to say what you want about your pregnancy to them and other people should either make the decision to avoid being there when you are or to gracefully allow you to speak about it when you are there.

Pimpf · 19/04/2014 11:58

Damn just lost a whole post!

If it is your brother who is bothered, then maybe it wasn't as much a joint decision and I can understand how he might be feeling, however, he now needs to support you, and if it is too difficult for hi to her, he needs to bugger off and let op have some one to one time with her parents so she can be excited without having to worry or feel guilty.

Again I ask, why is it always the pregnant ones who have to be mindful of others?

Due to reasons to long to go into here, I felt that I had to pretty much pretend I wasn't pregnant with dd2, the whole pregnancy became very negative and affected my bonding with her, this lasted for about 3 years until someone I was speaking made me realise what had happened.

So yes, I agree we all need to be mindful of others feelings and be tactful, but it goes both ways

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 19/04/2014 11:59

bumbleymummy... You're not being very sensitive to others with your comment about 'bundle of cells'. Have you ever thought that for some, the decision to abort really is 'rock and hard place' thinking and that they perhaps need to blur the stark reality, soften it a little?

Perhaps think about your audience... I haven't been that crass since I did the S.P.U.C. walk at 10 years old and blethered on about it to anybody who would listen. I cringe now to think of it, but I was TEN and didn't know any better.

Original poster
Imjustexcited · 19/04/2014 12:01

I was talking about the developmental stages after purchasing a pregnancy book and just repeating what I had read was happening this week, it didn't register that it would have upset my DB I was just excited about the baby.

The clear consensus about this subject is that I should be more sensitive so I will try to think more about how my DB is feeling.

I do get on with my In laws and they are very excited and interested to hear about the baby but I would love to have the same conversations as I have with them with my parents, I know that it is very early stages but we have been TTC for a very long time so we are perhaps and bit overexcited at times.

Thanks for the replies, I will take in all the advice given.

I could try and have a conversation with my DB but I don't want to cause any more upset between the family by mentioning it to him. I feel as though I am in a catch 22 situation.

OP posts:
Pimpf · 19/04/2014 12:04

There's a difference between being sensitive about your bother and not mentioning anything in case it upsets him. Be excited about your baby, don't let this put a cloud over what should be a happy time for you. If you don't want to speak to your brother, then speak to your parents and explain to them how it makes you feel.

ikeaismylocal · 19/04/2014 12:05

Is anyone really interested in the developmental stages of yiur fetus? I'm 12 weeks pregnant and as long as the baby is growing I couldn't care less if it has developed fingernails yet or not, I certainly don't want to be hearing about the theoretical development of someone elses fetus.

I think you are being a bit pfp ( precious first pregnancy)

Pimpf · 19/04/2014 12:06

And just because some people don't read up about all the stages of pregnancy and aren't really interested I it, doesn't mean that everyone should feel that way or that they are wrong for wanting to do that.

Sorry op. this has really got me annoyed on your behalf. I hope things go better with your parents

LRDtheFeministDragon · 19/04/2014 12:07

'Again I ask, why is it always the pregnant ones who have to be mindful of others?'

I don't think it is, TBH! But if it were, well, if you are pregnant, you are at an exciting time. You have the possibility of a healthy child at the end of it.

Someone who's had an abortion doesn't have that. Sure, they may be one of those people for whom it was an easy decision. But it isn't easy for lots of people, and it's often considered socially unacceptable to grieve about an abortion because it was a 'choice'.

Surely, in general, if you are happy and excited about a pregnancy, you can kinda see that life is going well for you, can't you?

I know it's complicated, especially with the OP having TTC for a long time. I do think I would be hurt if I were her. But I can also see how her brother might be hurting too, and talking about developmental stages crosses a line, for me.

Pimpf · 19/04/2014 12:07

So what if she is being pfb, she's allowed to, it's her first pregnancy!!!!!

She's not telling the whole world, just her parents.

Sunnydaysablazeinhope · 19/04/2014 12:09

Weird. Why aren't you talking to him if he's so 'db'? Just say mum said x have I upset you can we talk about this please?

Your mum could be making inferences that aren't there. Ask him.

RedandChecker · 19/04/2014 12:09

It's not a decision I have made bumbles I just try my best to understand people who have been In the situation and have made these decisions and I have lots of close friends who have been there and no unless you have had a planned pregnancy I actually don't think many people are aware of how a baby is developing at 8 weeks and I don't think it is something too many people would take it upon themselves to go and research if they know it is the right thing to do for them. I wouldn't be as insensitive to say that this makes their decision uninformed I also don't think many people would describe it as a bundle of cells and know better than that however it could be very hurtful to hear in depth details about finger nails etc because those are amazing developments and although everyone knows a fetus isn't just a bundle of cells they meat not know in depth developments and I think many first time planned pregnancy mums are taken back by that and find it amazing themselves so it is completely understandable how not could be hurtful

Pimpf · 19/04/2014 12:10

But it was still their choice their decision, tough or not. Part of that decision is learning to live with it. And as I said before, if he finds it tough, then he needs to back away and allow op time with her parents.

ikeaismylocal · 19/04/2014 12:11

Read up about it by all means just don't tell other people, especially people who don't want to hear about it for whatever reason.

diddl · 19/04/2014 12:11

I think you may be going into way too much detail for a lot of people tbh.

You haven't shared the conception story have you??Grin

RedandChecker · 19/04/2014 12:11

No, she is not just telling her parents she's doing it in earshot of her DB who is finding the subject raw and hard to deal with. I don't think her parents would be making this up, it is obviously something he has confided in them about and is finding it difficult.

Pimpf · 19/04/2014 12:13

Yes cos we all know from mumsnet that parents never make things up!

bumbleymummy · 19/04/2014 12:13

NiceTabard, I'm not debating abortion Hmm I was replying to RedAndChecker.

Lying, I'm not sure what you are finding insensitive. "Bundle of cells" is an inaccurate description of a foetus. As you pointed out yourself, most people who have had an abortion would be aware of what stage of development it was at so that should be no surprise to them.

What is the OP supposed to do? Lie about the development stages of her pregnancy? I remember being very excited and reading up about the changes each week. I would have been very upset if I wasn't allowed to share that excitement with my family and/or pretend that it wasn't happening. I agree with the others who are saying that the DB should be supportive and that if he doesn't want to hear about it then he could give her some time alone with her parents.

RedandChecker · 19/04/2014 12:14

All This ' it was there choice ' is unbelievably inseam tube and comes across nasty. It doesn't make it any easier, yes they will have to learn to live with it bit if this is he first pregnancy in the family since their decision it is bound to be raw.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 19/04/2014 12:15

Of course it was their decision.

But learning to live with it doesn't necessarily mean they're going to be perfect straight out of the gate. And remember, we've only the OP's parents' view that he is struggling to deal with it. He might be fine.

OP, why don't you take your parents out and have a good chat alone? I do see why you'd want to talk a lot about it to them.

RedandChecker · 19/04/2014 12:16

Of course no ones asking her to lie Hmm no ones asked her in the first place for info for her to lie ! There's a time and a place for these discussions and for people who are willing to listen.
I too look at my weekly developmental stages each week but do not share it with anyone but DP

RedandChecker · 19/04/2014 12:17

Inseam tube!? Insensitive *

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