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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In thinking that they made their choice so respect mine? Sensitive subject.

268 replies

Imjustexcited · 19/04/2014 11:15

I'm 8 weeks pregnant with DC1 we are very excited and have been TTC for a while now.

My DB and his DF had an abortion early last year after a contraceptive failure and they both came to the decision together, we supported them through this decision and I was always there to be a shoulder to cry on.

Now I am PG I was round my DP's house and my DB is there a lot of the time. I was talking about my pregnancy explaining the different stages of development and just general excited conversation however as soon as DB was out of ear shot they turned around to me and said that I mustn't talk about my pregnancy around there because it has only been a year since the abortion. So now every time my DB is there (nearly everyday) I cannot mention my pregnancy as they don't want to upset DB.

I feel hurt, I know that it must have been a hard decision but surely a year later they should have come to terms with it by now and be happy with mine?

AIBU in thinking this?

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 19/04/2014 11:34

Perhaps it's not the pregnancy they don't want you to talk about but the different stages of development if you're only 8 weeks.

They're possibly seeing it as you pointing out they aborted a developing foetus, when maybe your brother and sil want to think of it as a cluster of cells?

Either way, I'm sure as your pregnancy continues and your baby grows bigger they'll get used to it.

Bowlersarm · 19/04/2014 11:34

OP what's your relationship with your inlaws like? Maybe they want to share in the excitement and minutiae details with you?

Original poster
Imjustexcited · 19/04/2014 11:34

DM told me that it is my DB who feels upset at me mentioning my pregnancy and that his pain is still raw so to avoid any atmospheres she thinks that it is best if we don't talk about it when I visit.

They wasn't too excited when we told them as I think that their first thought was how is DS going to react to this.

I feel sad that if he had chosen to have the baby everyone would have been so excited to hear about the pregnancy and developmental stages however now I can't share that excitement due to my DB's decision.

I will accept if IABU and try to be a bit more sensitive about it, it just worries me about how people are going to be when the baby is here as of course all I will want to do is show baby off.

OP posts:
WaterLoadaCack · 19/04/2014 11:34

"It wasnt a baby that was wanted."

It was still a bloody baby though! And presumably the couple arent made of stone and intelligent enough to still have feelings about the fact that it was a baby and they chose to end that life. It doesnt make it hurt less because it wasnt wanted. Hmm

Pimpf · 19/04/2014 11:35

Maybe the brother could be kind to his sister and be happy for her and support her now she would like the support of her family.

Btw, I know that this isn't necessarily the brothers doing here.

NiceTabard · 19/04/2014 11:35

How is it a nice thing to do for the OP not to be able to talk about her pregnancy with her parents?

It would be far nicer of her brother to allow her that support.

bumbleymummy · 19/04/2014 11:36

re developmental stage - surely if someone has made an informed decision about abortion then they would have been aware of what stage of development the foetus was at? Or is everyone supposed to pretend that it is a 'bundle of cells' up until 24 weeks?

Pimpf · 19/04/2014 11:36

Why is it always the pregnant ones having to be mindful of others?

NiceTabard · 19/04/2014 11:37

Are your parents not even going to ask you how you are getting on or anything if you turn up and he is there? How far are they going to take it, do you know? Are they going to ask after your appts or anything?

This seems really extreme to me.

RedandChecker · 19/04/2014 11:37

OP I think it will be different when the baby is here. What I think is hurtful at this moment is the developmental stages of an early pregnancy, as this is around the time when they would have made the decision. If thy haven't heard about developmental stages at 8 weeks before, it could be very raw to hear a year on. I don't think you should keep your excitement quiet just this information - share it with your partner, other family and friends etc and just be a bit sensitive in this area around your DB etc

ParkingFred · 19/04/2014 11:38

Perhaps leave talking about it too much for now. You're only 8 weeks, there's not that much to say, surely.

When you're further along, possibly we'll beyond the stage at which they had the abortion, it might be more appropriate to discuss it with them.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 19/04/2014 11:38

I think YABU, really. I wouldn't ever talk development stages with someone who'd recently had an abortion - and a year is pretty recent. Just because they came to that decision in the end, doesn't mean it was a happy one, or that they felt ok about it afterwards.

That said, if it's your parents worrying rather than your brother saying anything, I would take it with a pinch of salt and perhaps try to see more of your parents on your own so you can gush with them. I actually think you might have a word with your parents saying you feel a bit hurt they mentioned it, because it's obviously put a dampener on your excitement.

I would say - is it possible your parents know more than you about whose decision the abortion ultimately was? I wonder slightly if your DB was keener on keeping the baby than his girlfriend?

Bowlersarm · 19/04/2014 11:39

I feel really sad for you OP, I'm getting more indignant on your behalf.

Of course you are excited and want to talk about it to your mum and dad. If you have to accept that it is difficult for your brother, then he has to give you the same consideration and accept your excitement. If he doesn't want to hear it then he needs to give you space to be with your parents without him there all the time.

RedandChecker · 19/04/2014 11:39

Bumbleymummy no you aren't made aware of developing fingernails etc unless you were to go out and research it yourself it's not the kind of information they put in clinics etc for the exact reason that it may be hard to hear

WorraLiberty · 19/04/2014 11:40

How is it a nice thing to do for the OP not to be able to talk about her pregnancy with her parents?

She can talk about it with her parents

But the nice thing to do would be to wait until her brother isn't in the room.

I'm sure there will be 1000s of opportunities to choose from.

NiceTabard · 19/04/2014 11:41

"DM told me that it is my DB who feels upset at me mentioning my pregnancy and that his pain is still raw so to avoid any atmospheres she thinks that it is best if we don't talk about it when I visit. "

That's pretty straightforward to me.

NiceTabard · 19/04/2014 11:43

Also you can't do it when someone isn't it the room as it is painfully obvious when everyone struggles to suddenly change the conversation.

Which is why I imagine her mum has asked her not to mention it at all.

I assume she will be able to tell them how she is getting on, on the occasions when he is not there.

PotteringAlong · 19/04/2014 11:44

I've never had an abortion, I've had one child and am 21 weeks pregnant and I'd get annoyed with someone who wanted to talk about developmental stages if an 8 week old foetus.

You've got 32 weeks to go. Maybe just chill out a bit?

ilovecolinfirth · 19/04/2014 11:44

Firstly, congratulations to you both.

I think it's talking about the developmental stage which you need to reign in, which to be honest is quite easy to do. Yes they did make their decision, but I'm guessing it was a very very tough decision to make, which they'll never forget.

They do have to accept your pregnancy, and I'm sure they are happy for you, and interested in what is happening, but mentioning how big the baby is, finger nails, eye lashes etc is slightly insensitive. I'm sure they're very much aware of the different stages anyway.

CoffeeTea103 · 19/04/2014 11:45

Yanbu, what do they expect to happen when the baby arrives? Hide the child when they are around?
It's also a special time in your life, why should it be second to them. They've made a choice and received the support when they needed it, now they should support you too!

whereisshe · 19/04/2014 11:46

If people actually talked about abortion it would be less taboo and therefore less painful (more normalised, more support etc). Similar to first trimester miscarriages. We're all a bit too bloody scared of other people's pain IMO.

GrassIsSinging · 19/04/2014 11:47

I think you DO need to be thoughtful about discussing 'stages of development' etc around someone who had a fairly recent abortion. If you care about her, it is only right to be sensitive towards her.

However, its not reasonable to expect that you wont discuss your pregnancy at all for the next 9 months.

Maybe give her time to get used to the idea and have a chat with her personally at some stage to clear the air.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 19/04/2014 11:49

I think that anybody who has ever undergone an abortion knows exactly the development stage at which the pregnancy was terminated.

OP... you're not being unreasonable to want to talk about your first pregnancy. I think you could gently remind your parents that this is your first and that you've been ttc for a long time. Then remind them that you were right there for your brother and SIL in support of their decision. Ask them to support you as well as you brother.

I think your brother, if he's finding it difficult to be outwardly supportive at the moment, should at least let you access your parents' support and attention by absenting himself from your parents on occasion, to give you the time and space to talk to them without fear of putting your foot in it.

I think it wouldn't be a bad idea to speak to your brother either, telling him that you were there for him and SIL and that you would appreciate his support too.

Owllady · 19/04/2014 11:50

I'm with potterinalong, I have three children and tbh I was just glad we got through it. I wasn't interested in developmental stages etc. It just made me worry :o

Congratulations on your pregnancy :)

bumbleymummy · 19/04/2014 11:51

RedAndChecker - not exactly an 'informed decision' if you're under the impression it's just a 'bundle of cells' when visible features are developing is it?

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