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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In thinking that they made their choice so respect mine? Sensitive subject.

268 replies

Imjustexcited · 19/04/2014 11:15

I'm 8 weeks pregnant with DC1 we are very excited and have been TTC for a while now.

My DB and his DF had an abortion early last year after a contraceptive failure and they both came to the decision together, we supported them through this decision and I was always there to be a shoulder to cry on.

Now I am PG I was round my DP's house and my DB is there a lot of the time. I was talking about my pregnancy explaining the different stages of development and just general excited conversation however as soon as DB was out of ear shot they turned around to me and said that I mustn't talk about my pregnancy around there because it has only been a year since the abortion. So now every time my DB is there (nearly everyday) I cannot mention my pregnancy as they don't want to upset DB.

I feel hurt, I know that it must have been a hard decision but surely a year later they should have come to terms with it by now and be happy with mine?

AIBU in thinking this?

OP posts:
BigBoobiedBertha · 19/04/2014 23:38

The brother's feelings aren't more important and I too have been wondering if he his feelings are regularly put before the OP's by their parents. It is after all the mother who said the OP should keep quiet, not her brother. I still think it is their mother who is having a hard time dealing with the termination and not so much the brother but that will only be clear if the OP actually talks it through with her brother.

I don't know why people keep talking about miscarriages and terminations as though they are the same thing and the effects are the same. They aren't and the emotions are involved will differ too.

I seriously don't get why, after more than a year, the brother's feelings of terminating, when that was the choice he made along with this partner, should still more important than the OP's. They didn't have to terminate, there was no problem with the baby or the girlfriend, they chose to. That is absolutely fine, it was their choice, which they are entitled to make and I am sure it was not an easy one, but they can't let it cast a shadow over the OP's pregnancy or anything else.

sharonthewaspandthewineywall · 19/04/2014 23:47

YABU to discuss foetal development stages with anyone. Yawnsome.

Pumpkinpositive · 19/04/2014 23:51

Now I am PG I was round my DP's house and my DB is there a lot of the time. I was talking about my pregnancy explaining the different stages of development and just general excited conversation

Why were you "explaining" the stages of foetal development? Do you think other people don't know?

oh to be a fly on the wall for that conversation

Nestabee · 20/04/2014 00:00

Yabu

Talking about your pregnancy is boring. People may ask to be polite but don't take it as an invitation to go on about it all Hmm nobody is really interested in stages of fetal development.

bumbleymummy · 20/04/2014 00:24

Oh for goodness sake. She was telling her family about her long wanted pregnancy - not 'banging on' about foetal development to passing strangers Hmm context please people!

Doubletroublemummy2 · 20/04/2014 00:44

I would ask DB if it bothers him, I think it sucks that their situation should cloud your enjoyment of your pregnancy

Dozer · 20/04/2014 07:26

Bertha, termination is no less a reason for sensitivity than miscarriage.

Pimpf · 20/04/2014 08:08

Ffs, not everyone finds pregnancy talk boring! How hard is that to understand. I was amazed by it when I read up about it, so were others around me. I do not believe that we are the only ones. I also doubt hat she was going on and on about it, just discussing her pregnancy with her parents, the same way lots of other people do.

Ok you find it boring, we get that, you are nt the entire world.

sharonthewaspandthewineywall · 20/04/2014 08:27

It's making me thinking of Denise from the Royle Family 'mam guess what size it is now? A cherry'

BigBoobiedBertha · 20/04/2014 09:17

Dozet, I have to disagree. I wouldn't be deliberately cruel but an early termination after a contraceptive failure ( so not due to fetal abnormality or maternal illness) but it does not trump everybody elses's feelings and require everybody else to basically change their behaviour for years to afterwards. It was a choice. A miscarriage, on the other hand, is not, it is the loss of something that was wanted and therefore mourned.

Pimpf is right, the OP wouldn't have been droning on for hours. It was probably a few remarks. When she next saw her parents I doubt it would have been mentioned.

What is with some people on this thread anyway? They don't find pregnancy talk interesting therefore nobody else is allowed to? Can you not appreciate everybody is different and that a bit of give and take would be nice? Hmm.

This was the first time the OP had said anything and instead of even the bored people just smiling indulgently at her excitement, they have want to piss on her parade.

The more I think about it the more I think the issue is the OP's mother wasn't happy about the termination but that isn't what she is saying so the OP has no chance to talk to her about it. The whole family have, imo, been very weirdly open about a contraceptive failure and abortion, yet they can't be honest about their feelings with the OP, nor allow her to be either.

BigBoobiedBertha · 20/04/2014 09:18

Sorry, Dozer not Dozet.

wigglylines · 20/04/2014 09:31

I'm surprised at how many people say they're not interested in the developmental stages of a fetus. Where's your sense of wonder?! It's amazing IMO.

BigBoobiedBertha · 20/04/2014 09:41

Each to their own I suppose but it is sad that there can't be a bit of give and take.

If the OP were endlessly going on about it for months then, yes she could do with appreciating other aren't interested but after just one conversation, it is a bit harsh to shut her up.

ShatterResistant · 20/04/2014 09:41

Do talk to your brother. I was in a similar situation with my sister, and it really helped for us to each know exactly how the other was feeling. She told me what she wanted, and I told her why it was hard for me, and we worked it out from there. By the time, the baby comes along, hopefully it will all be worked out, as it was with us.

differentnameforthis · 20/04/2014 09:45

I think it is fair enough op, in THEIR house, they get to make the rules.

differentnameforthis · 20/04/2014 09:54

bumbleymummy This is NOT the thread to be preaching your views on.

sharonthewaspandthewineywall · 20/04/2014 10:12

Wiggly it's not interesting to anyone other than those expecting the baby. And to anyone who's had children themselves they are most likely fully aware that at 4 weeks it's the size of a mini egg. Just because nature is wonderful doesn't mean people want to hear ad nauseum a week by week account

Pimpf · 20/04/2014 10:16

Wiggly, just because you're not interested, doesn't mean everyone isn't.

Pimpf · 20/04/2014 10:17

Sorry, not wiggly, Sharon. Obviously not had enough chocolate yet!

sharonthewaspandthewineywall · 20/04/2014 10:18

Most people aren't though

sharonthewaspandthewineywall · 20/04/2014 10:19

As this thread shows.
Much like people who rattle on about their holidays and hold slide shows

sharonthewaspandthewineywall · 20/04/2014 10:20

Or tell people in full detail about their dream in every minute detail

NeedsAsockamnesty · 20/04/2014 10:22

I think it's quite likely you were going over the top and being a bore.

Conversations like that are the sort of thing you should talk to your partner about and other people only if they ask

NiceTabard · 20/04/2014 10:24

Yes of course it is their house their rules which is why the OP has asked what to do and in the main been told to go along with it.

However I think it is entirely reasonable of the OP to be upset as it does remove a certain amount of support and stuff that I think is normal for people to get from their family especially their parents and that parents normally want to give.

So OP is not going to be able to tell her parents in person is she is feeling tired or ill or nervous waiting for test results or if someone is difficult at work. If they are the sort of family who are quite affectionate then she won't be able to tell her mum that eg she's not sleeping well or can't keep anything down and get some sympathy and maybe a hug.

I know that there are quite a few on this thread who see this stuff as "boring" and her parents have done it all so why would they be interested and all the rest of it.

But honestly in lots of families when a child is pregnant it it usual for her parents to be concerned for her health and that she is feeling OK and everything and assuming that is the sort of family the OP is from absolutely she needs to abide by their wishes but absolutely it's understandable she be upset. Even my in-laws asked how I was and how hosp appts went when I was pregnant!

So I just think it's one of those ones where families are different and people need to remember that how they/their family does things is not the exact way all other families do it. And maybe stop telling her in such strong terms that her parents have told her not to mention any aspect of her pregnancy because they are totally disinterested especially when that is not even the reason her parents have given!

sharonthewaspandthewineywall · 20/04/2014 10:27

How are you feeling and things like how did your scan go are very different to 'has the baby developed eyelashes yet' fgs