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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In thinking that they made their choice so respect mine? Sensitive subject.

268 replies

Imjustexcited · 19/04/2014 11:15

I'm 8 weeks pregnant with DC1 we are very excited and have been TTC for a while now.

My DB and his DF had an abortion early last year after a contraceptive failure and they both came to the decision together, we supported them through this decision and I was always there to be a shoulder to cry on.

Now I am PG I was round my DP's house and my DB is there a lot of the time. I was talking about my pregnancy explaining the different stages of development and just general excited conversation however as soon as DB was out of ear shot they turned around to me and said that I mustn't talk about my pregnancy around there because it has only been a year since the abortion. So now every time my DB is there (nearly everyday) I cannot mention my pregnancy as they don't want to upset DB.

I feel hurt, I know that it must have been a hard decision but surely a year later they should have come to terms with it by now and be happy with mine?

AIBU in thinking this?

OP posts:
GrassIsSinging · 19/04/2014 12:47

If the DB is saying 'you are not to talk about your pregnancy around my fiancee', that isnt realistic.

If he is saying 'give it time, she is finding this hard right now', thats fair enough and should be respected.

I do agree with the pp wh said talking about the development of the 8 wk old foetus around someone who just had an abortion is tactless. I wouldnt do it to anyone, especially a close relative that I love.

expatinscotland · 19/04/2014 12:50

I can't think of anything more boring than someone talking about their stages of pregnancy. God, people can Google the development stages.

YABU to bore people with pregnancy talk.

bumbleymummy · 19/04/2014 12:51

It's not just the development stages that she has been asked not to talk about though. Her parents have asked her not to talk about her pregnancy when she's there in case it upsets her brother. How far is that going to go? Wearing baggy clothes so the bump doesn't upset him? I think it's very sad and incredibly unfair.

AwfulDaughter, she just excitedly repeated something from a book that she had read in front of her parents and DB. Hardly repulsive.

NiceTabard · 19/04/2014 12:51

Grass her parents have said that no-one is to mention her pregnancy while her brother is around, which he usually is when she sees her parents. This happened at her parents house, his fiancee was not there.

Pimpf · 19/04/2014 12:52

Op said that her brother was there most of the time, and it wasn't just the development stages, it was talking about the pregnancy in general.

How is she being unkind in wanting to be excited about her pregnancy with her parents?

NiceTabard · 19/04/2014 12:53

There is all the other stuff like how she is feeling and what the midwife has said and how are test results and are you getting tired on your commute and stuff that goes with it as well. My parents aren't exactly emotional types but while I was pregnant even they asked how I was getting on and stuff.

Pimpf · 19/04/2014 12:54

Just because you find it boring expat, doesn't mean that everyone else does. Ad this isn't just anyone, it's her parents

gordyslovesheep · 19/04/2014 12:55

nothing worse than a pregnancy bore !

Pimpf I don't think anyone has said she is

anyway the OP has managed to get her head around the possibility that she was a bit UR - not sure why others can't

Congrats on the PG OP Thanks x

I will leave this thread before it becomes another dull anti abortion fan page xxxxx

expatinscotland · 19/04/2014 12:56

So what? What is there to talk about? You're pregnant, BFD. It's their house, if they don't want to hear about 'buba's' fingernails, they have the right to say so.

CeruleanStars · 19/04/2014 12:57

YANBU but I think you need to be sensitive, it sounds to me like perhaps your DB wasn't keen on his girlfriend/wife having the abortion.

RedandChecker · 19/04/2014 12:57

Which if you read my first post to op, bumble I said she wasn't being unreasonable about and should be able to be excited however was being unreasonable mentioning developmental stages in the first place

NiceTabard · 19/04/2014 13:00

expat most parents like to talk to their children when they are pregnant about how they are feeling and are they OK and how did the appt go at the hospital, I thought. Do you not think?

Maybe this is another thing where I am out of step.

expatinscotland · 19/04/2014 13:02

Well, I'm a parent. Nope, still bores me senseless. We all know how it develops.

bumbleymummy · 19/04/2014 13:02

gordy, you were the one who asked if abortion gives you the right to be unkind. Pimpf is right to ask what is unkind about wanting to be excited about your pregnancy? The parents have asked her not to talk about the pregnancy - not just certain development details.

expat, they didn't say that they didn't want to hear it - they said they didn't want to upset the brother.

expatinscotland · 19/04/2014 13:03

Same difference, bumbly. They don't care to have it mentioned in their home. So don't.

Pimpf · 19/04/2014 13:05

Hang on, who said anything about anti abortion? This isn't about whether abortion is right or not (for the record i believe its personal choice) it's about whether the op is being unreasonable in talking about her pregnancy when her brother is around because his gf had an abortion last year.

Yes to being aware of his feelings that op has been made aware of re development stages, but really, should she now not be able to talk about her pregnancy at all in case it upsets him? Really? If she has to be sensitive to him, then he needs to be and not be there all the time. The parents also need to be sensitive to their daughter is carrying a much wanted child.

And of course there is a difference between miscarriage and abortion.

NiceTabard · 19/04/2014 13:06

I mean, they asked me how I was feeling and was I getting tired and how did my appt at the hospital go, were the scan results OK, that sort of thing.

I told them if I was feeling unwell, and about how they kept cancelling my appts without telling me and I was wasting time off work, and that I was maybe going to have to have a CS.

That sort of thing. Most parents want to know that sort of thing surely? That their pregnant child is OK and that sort of thing?

I think OP is reasonable to be upset if she is not going to be able to discuss that sort of thing with her parents.

Do you really see those conversations as unusual and unnecessary between a pregnant child and their parents?

Even DH parents would ask how I was.

Maybe that is all quite abnormal, but I would be surprised.

bumbleymummy · 19/04/2014 13:06

Red, she repeated details from a book. I'm sure she wasn't intending to upset him or wasn't even aware that it would upset him. If they had a conversation and he made it clear that he found the development stuff a bit hard to take atm and she continued to talk about it in great detail while he was there then yes, a bit UR but when she just excitedly says something without realising that it would upset him then I don't think that is UR at all.

Nice, I agree with you. My parents were always interested and asked lots of questions - as did PIL.

expatinscotland · 19/04/2014 13:07

So discuss it when the brother isn't there. Simples.

NiceTabard · 19/04/2014 13:08

Expat if one of your children was having a baby would you really not ask or want to hear about how they are, how they are getting on?

You don't actually mean that do you, I assume you're posturing.

MincingOnBy · 19/04/2014 13:12

Yabu. You are being insensitive and you need to reign it in.

expatinscotland · 19/04/2014 13:12

Posturing? My kids are 8 and 5. They may not want kids or have them, or be thousands of miles away. Or I might be dead. Pregnancy bores me to tears. So do babies, toddlers and pre-schoolers so yeah, I won't be offering to babysit if I have any grand kids.

Ad in this case, the parents don't want it discussed in their home in front of the brother. Their home, their rules. Fair enough.

Aeroflotgirl · 19/04/2014 13:13

Yabvvu talking about the stages of development when they are there, but your parents are vvvvvvu to make you feel bad about the pregnancy and not allow you to feel happy abut your impending arrival and to talk about it to them.

fifi669 · 19/04/2014 13:16

I think there's a massive difference between a miscarriage and an abortion.

OP shouldn't have to hide her excitement because DB didn't want his baby. I'm sure, as someone mentioned up thread, that when he does want a child he won't be told to not talk about it. OP isn't rubbing it in, she's talking to her parents in a way most people would.

gordyslovesheep · 19/04/2014 13:16

Bumble

*gordy, you were the one who asked if abortion gives you the right to be unkind. Pimpf is right to ask what is unkind about wanting to be excited about your pregnancy? The parents have asked her not to talk about the pregnancy - not just certain development details.

expat, they didn't say that they didn't want to hear it - they said they didn't want to upset the brother*

you even contradicted yourself in one post - I never said that btw - but she is NOT being asked not to talk about it - as you yourself point out in that post - just not in front of her brother :)