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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To always want my baby with me.....

201 replies

Writerwannabe83 · 12/04/2014 10:27

I have a DS who was 3 weeks old yesterday and is exclusively breastfeed. Up until yesterday, bar one occasion when DH took him for a 10 minute drive, he has always been with me.

Yesterday my DH said he'd take him for a quick walk - fine, no problem - but this then changed to DH deciding he would actually walk to ASDA, do the shopping and then walk back, meaning they'd be gone well over an hour. I told DH I felt a bit uncomfortable with this seeing as DS is breast feeding and it's a long time to be away from me if he starts screaming. DH managed to talk me round though. When they did reappear DS was absolutely screaming and frantic, I found it really hard and it upset me as DH said he'd been like it for over 20 minutes.

DH has now just announced he's got to go into town and will take DS with him 'to give me a break'. Obviously I'm dreading it but I'm being made to feel like a paranoid mother because I want my baby with me. DH has said he won't be long but that doesn't help my anxiety at all. I'm feeding DS now in order to try and avoid any hunger screaming.

The reason my DH has been doing these trips alone is because I'm recovering from a C-Section and can't walk far.

Am I being unreasonable? I know my DH has every right to take him out and it isn't about stopping him spending time with his son, it's just I worry that DS is still too young to be away from me and his food supply.

Maybe I'm just jealous that DH is getting to do all these 'Baby's first trips outside' and I can't join them Sad

OP posts:
TheRealAmandaClarke · 12/04/2014 10:32

Yanbu
Give it time.

gamerchick · 12/04/2014 10:33

No I totally understand where you're coming from.

But I do think a break is good.. even if you're checking the clock. Have something proper to eat where you don't have to do it one handed, have a shower, just lie down in front a TV or with the laptop. Or anything really.

Monkeyandanimal · 12/04/2014 10:33

No YANBU, BF Baby stays firmly with his mum. You don't need to justify it to anyone; it is the best for you and him. If DH wants to give you a break he can do lots round the house, or hold baby while you have a snooze but at least he's near you.

StrawberryTartYum · 12/04/2014 10:34

YANBU I was the same, its perfectly normal! DP used to get stroppy when I wouldn't let him take him out without me but I slowly built up small amounts of time so now I can express and go out to hairdressers etc. I would say it should be on your terms, it must be hard on the partners as they want to help and be involved, especially when you are the only one who can feed them, but they have the rest of the baby's life to be there.

MissDuke · 12/04/2014 10:36

YANBU, ds should not be left screaming for food for 20 mins. Three weeks after a section you should hopefully be starting to feel ready to go out? How is the wound? A short trip out may do you the world of good op.

Sillylass79 · 12/04/2014 10:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bonsoir · 12/04/2014 10:38

I think it is quite normal not to want to have your newborn leave the house without you! Get your DH to take care of DS while you have a nap/bath/have someone over to cut your hair.

Noappointmentnecessary · 12/04/2014 10:40

Yes, it's his baby too. He will be back. Nice for your husband to bind and make the effort with your son. I know a lot of my friends husbands don't x

Bonkerz · 12/04/2014 10:41

It is normal to feel like this. I'd be more concerned about your recovery. I've had 2 sections and after both I was driving again after three weeks with consent of GP and insurance company.

AJayne48 · 12/04/2014 10:44

Firstly, congratulations!

Secondly, it is completely normal. I was the same and I wouldn't let anyone have my DS while I was Breastfeeding for the exact same reasons; I couldn't handle the thought of DS screaming for me when I'm not there.

It is still early days so you are bound to feed emotional but to help just get a routine going before they leave. I used to do nappy, feed and then place DS on the pram so I knew that I had done everything for him beforehand and that used to help with my anxiety.

RhondaJean · 12/04/2014 10:44

Yes I'm a fast healer but within a week of my c section I was out and about and shopping. I'd be very concerned at you not being able to leave the house after three weeks.

However, an hour away honestly won't hurt him. Do what you are doing, feed before he goes, it is the ONLY thing your dh can't do as well as you. You need to trust him with the rest. I'm sure he won't want a repeat of 20 minutes screaming either, he has to learn as much as you.

scarletforya · 12/04/2014 10:45

Yanbu.

You need to sit your DH down and explain that taking the baby away is stressing you and the baby. He probably has the best of intentions but a three week old ebf baby needs to be in close proximity to it's Mother all the time.

SweetPeaPods · 12/04/2014 10:48

Congratulations!
It's completely normal. When ds was born I was pretty poorly so my mum and DH wanted to help & let me rest. Ds fed roughly every 2 hours so what they would do is be ready to leave for walk/shops straight after a feed so they had roughly 2 hrs. Sometimes he would come home crying, mostly he was fine. I struggled to sleep first couple of days, but then I soon managed to rest while they were out.

GreenPetal94 · 12/04/2014 10:49

Your dh sounds very well meaning. Could he drive you and the baby somewhere so you could all three get out the house even if you can't walk far?

In a few weeks you will get more of an idea of when your baby wants to feed and then you may really appreciate the break of baby and dad going to Asda. And he sounds like a great and confident dad :)

Mrswellyboot · 12/04/2014 10:51

I understand this situation. Dh is being very kind but at three weeks its only right to be the baby. My dh took of a month from work after cs and we used to go for coffee etc,

Also I did start to walk short distances everyday, if you can- it might help

Namelessonsie · 12/04/2014 10:51

Yanbu! I'm only now starting to let DP take dd2 out of the house without me at 5 months.

An hour is a long time for a bf baby to be without mum. DP has regularly had dd2 in the house while eg I have been with dd1 upstairs, or graving a nap, but not out of earshot so she can't have milk as soon as she starts whinging. Whinging, not full on crying - not good for baby!

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 12/04/2014 10:58

Thanks everyone for reassuring me I'm not being selfish. My FIL once passed a comment to imply I was breastfeeding as a form of control, so nobody else could look after my baby.

Regarding the CS recovery I'm also surprised that I don't feel better than I do. I felt really well the first 10 days or so and to be honest, I wasn't really resting. When my MW came to sign me off at 14 weeks she told me off for how active I had been and said my wound area/abdomen was swollen and that I needed to take it easy. Easier said than done though. I live in a 3 storey house, constantly up and down the stairs, doing housework etc - it's hard to have bed rest when you feel mentally well. I went out the house for the first time 2 days ago, just a walk to the local shop, probably took about 20-30 minutes and I have been pretty sore since.

OP posts:
Flyingducky · 12/04/2014 11:01

Yanbu. I remember feeling exactly the same when my dh took dc1 out for a walk. Glued to the window waiting for them to return. Mind in overdrive.

It is normal and shows you have bonded and formed secure attachment with your new baby. Congratulations you're doing a great job.

Tell your dh to be quicker next time.

monkeynuts123 · 12/04/2014 11:02

The way around this is that when baby is due a big feed, give baby as big a feed as you can and tell DH not to be away longer than an hour. If he's a bit crap with timing ask him to set an alarm on his mobile to keep track of time. That way you are happy, he is happy and baby is happy. YANBU I would have freaked too at spontaneous extra time away. He means well. This is the beginning of negotiating how you parent together, it's more exhausting than just the parenting!

NewNameForSpring · 12/04/2014 11:03

You could try some arnica Writer. The health professionals were amazed at the healing after my CS when I had been recommended it.

Also, three weeks is nothing. Keep your baby! Sounds like your DH could help you in many other ways. Upsetting you is not a help. Tell him the truth about how it isn't helping and I hope he will think of other things to do. If not, then he was only doing it for himself. x

Macocious · 12/04/2014 11:08

I had a cs too and did my first walk after 5 days. It was slow going but I rapidly improved after that. After 3 weeks I'd not expect you to be feeling so bad. Can you go get it checked out at your doctor's surgery? You might need antibiotics or something and don't want to leave it too late.
Around 3 weeks baby has a growth spurt so I wouldn't want them to be away from me for too long either but your husband sounds lovely trying to help! See if he can go out for walks closer to home so he can head back at first sign of hunger.
Oh and housework?! CS is a brilliant excuse not to do any for 6 weeks. It was in the leaflet I was given when I left hospital!

honeythewitch · 12/04/2014 11:19

What do you mean.... Constantly up and down the stairs doing housework?

Stop it!

It is exhausting enough looking after a new baby anyway, without the complications of surgery.
Just relax, look after your baby and leave the housework.

Bankholidaybaby · 12/04/2014 11:23

You're being totally reasonable - your baby needs you close by at the moment, and you need your baby. Can your husband give you a break inside the house? You go to bed and he comes and gets you if the baby needs feeding?

Booboostoo · 12/04/2014 11:24

DD was the same as a baby, constantly attached to a boob! It does get better though and you can figure out your timings so that you can feed right before DP gives you a break so that you are all happy. Meanwhile can't DP do something with the baby in the house or garden while you relax but are accessible if they need you?

Could you maybe get a second opinion on how your CS scar is healing? Three weeks sounds like a long time to be suffering.

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 12/04/2014 11:52

I think I'll probably go and see my GP on Monday and see what she thinks. Or maybe I should see the Midwife who cared for me antenatally - she said that even though she's discharged me and DS she's always at the end of the phone should I need anything. Will she be equipped with better knowledge do you think??

I told my DH I wasn't comfortable about DS being outside for so long - though admittedly I did use the line: "He hasn't even had his vaccinations yet so shouldn't really be in public places" in order to strengthen my argument. It's probably a good job DS stayed with me as he's been feeding for the last hour ! He's currently fast asleep on my chest now though - just where he should be Smile

OP posts:
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