To always want my baby with me.....

[Writerwannabe83]

I have a DS who was 3 weeks old yesterday and is exclusively breastfeed. Up until yesterday, bar one occasion when DH took him for a 10 minute drive, he has always been with me.

Yesterday my DH said he'd take him for a quick walk - fine, no problem - but this then changed to DH deciding he would actually walk to ASDA, do the shopping and then walk back, meaning they'd be gone well over an hour. I told DH I felt a bit uncomfortable with this seeing as DS is breast feeding and it's a long time to be away from me if he starts screaming. DH managed to talk me round though. When they did reappear DS was absolutely screaming and frantic, I found it really hard and it upset me as DH said he'd been like it for over 20 minutes.

DH has now just announced he's got to go into town and will take DS with him 'to give me a break'. Obviously I'm dreading it but I'm being made to feel like a paranoid mother because I want my baby with me. DH has said he won't be long but that doesn't help my anxiety at all. I'm feeding DS now in order to try and avoid any hunger screaming.

The reason my DH has been doing these trips alone is because I'm recovering from a C-Section and can't walk far.

Am I being unreasonable? I know my DH has every right to take him out and it isn't about stopping him spending time with his son, it's just I worry that DS is still too young to be away from me and his food supply.

Maybe I'm just jealous that DH is getting to do all these 'Baby's first trips outside' and I can't join them

I took arnica too op, as above poster said

Also lots of panadol. Good you are going to gp. I would go to the go this time rather than midwife.

Try going with them. I was back on the school run a week after my section which meant walking 6 miles a day. You'll feel much better getting back to normal

Why are you up and down the stairs doing housework??? Stop it at once and concentrate on healing!

Seriously, at 3 weeks post a very traumatic ECS where I had a horrible reaction to the drugs and was hospitalised for a week afterwards, I was walking to the shops/around the park - I drove at 4 weeks. You shouldn't be feeling like that and you need to rest and recuperate. Ask the HV or better yet the GP if you're feeling so rough, as that is not right.

I have good intentions of resting and recuperation but it isn't that easy for some reason. I find lots of handling/caring for the baby aggravates the discomfort too....picking him up, twisting to put him in his Moses Basket, constantly straining to shift positions when feeding, leaning over to do nappy changes, standing up whilst rocking him to sleep etc - it just causes me to ache. My mom came to stay for 3 days earlier in the week and she didn't let me do anything and I felt the best I had done in ages, hence why I suggested me and DH went for a walk - all it did was set me back though.

I just feel like there is a constant pulling, heavy ache sensation in my abdomen all the time and am still taking regular pain relief. The blood loss stopped about a week after the CS but if I do exert myself I will sometimes get an intermittent small bleed.

My DH has got two weeks off work now so things will definitely be easier for me. I actually haven't got out of bed yet and he's downstairs cooking me a fry-up

An ebf baby is meant to be with its mother. Your feelings are completely normal.
Giving someone a break is achievable by many methods. Nobody needs to take your baby off your hands unless you all want that. Even baby's father. He can do plenty of baby cuddles etc at home.

Breastfeeding or not it is completely normal to want your baby with you at all times. My baby is 12 weeks old and the only time I have been in a different building to her is when I had to go to the dentist and my mum took me (recovering from section at the time) and stayed with sleeping baby in the car. I will go into other rooms in the house happily leaving baby with her dad/nan etc but I won't go further than I would be able to hear her if she cried.

You had my sympathy up until the vaccination comment. It's a baby not a puppy!!!

You posted the other night didn't you about feeling like a bad mum because your baby has been quite unsettled if I remember? I think you need to take a step back fromit all. Yes as an ebf baby he needs to be with you for food, but you don't have exclusive rights to him and your dh is trying to help and support you.

Your thread the other night seemed very desperate and we all advised you to asknfor and accept help. Please don't then condem your dh for doing exactly that!

Just nice to see this thread, Writer. We were TTC around the same time and I think I got pregnant a couple of months after you, I was very jealous you got pregnant on your first cycle, I remember :).

Lovely to know you're doing well (in spite of the thread subject ;)), I'm expecting a DS too :).

YANBU to feel like this.

However, I do think it is a wee bit OTT to say that your DS shouldn't be outside for long until his vaccinations!

Your DH is trying to help and it's also not remotely unreasonable that he would like some alone time with his son too. I appreciate that you are breastfeeding so your baby needs to be with you pretty much all the time, but the odd half hour or hour here and there could be very beneficial to your DH too.

wheres - yes that desperate poster was me Maybe I do need to relax a bit, I do think I put a lot of pressure on myself. I feel like I have to know where DS is all the time and have him next to me so I know he's safe. I woke up yesterday to the sound of him crying and because he wasn't in his Moses Basket I lunged out of bed in a frantic panic of 'Where is he, he's crying for me'. I know he's perfectly safe with my DH but part of me finds it hard when DS isn't directly with me.

ginger - I'm glad you got your BFP Yes it was my first cycle, we just got very lucky! Congratulations on being due a boy!!

thurlow - when I mentioned the vaccinations to my DH I said it in relation to him being in a public place as opposed to the length of time he'd be gone. We live in a busy town which is always heaving on a Saturday. Are there any guidelines about babies being in busy public places before their jabs? I don't even know? I will google it

Actually my DH wouldn't take dd (4 months) out for a walk on his own now! Not because he's not willing to help, but because he understands that that isn't the best way to help! It's stressful because an EBF baby might not go an hour without wanting food- mine cluster fed all the time at 3 weeks, and still does now sometimes.

If your DH wants to help, then he can help by understanding bf a bit better. Take care and enjoy your baby cuddles.

I didn't like my dcs going to the supermarket when v tiny be ause they're filthy places
So many ppl wandering g about with their colds/ tummy bipugs etc, touching everything (trolley handles are a hotbed of germs) and then you come long and touch the same stuff, then handle your baby.
Is this your first baby? How lovely. Trust your instincts and bow to no ones pressure to separate from your baby.

Hi Writer

You sound absolutely normal to me and of course you don't want anyone taking your tiny baby away from you. Even your dh.

He can help far more by stopping you going up and down those stairs and doing the housework. stop that right now.

I remember the thread about your daft fil. Ignore that twat

Relax, sleep, heal.

It is my first baby. Me and DH just had a mini row over the issue, cue me ending up crying.

DS woke up about 15 minutes ago, all upset with a dirty nappy etc which my DH changed. We then thought that seeing as DS was settled and most likely not hungry (due to cluster feeding for over 2 hours) then maybe DH could take him for a quick 15 minute walk down the road to get DS out in the sunshine and get some fresh air. DH got DS ready for the walk and just before they were due to leave, DS started crying. My anxiety came back and made my husband promise that he would turn straight back if DS didn't settle within a few minutes, he then said 'Don't you think I have any common sense?!" Then I got tearful and tried to explain how hard I find it when I have to listen to DS cry, knowing he is being taken away from me when I'm the only one who can comfort him. DH then started saying I needed to make my mind up as one minute I'm encouraging them to go for the walk and then the next I'm saying I don't want him to go. Ultimately they went on the walk, have been gone about 5 minutes, and DH did promise that he'd come straight back if DS continued to cry. DH gave me a big hug before he left and said he does understand my anxiety but assured me everything will be fine.

I'm trying to stay level headed about it all but if they come back and DS is in a state I just don't see how I can agree to them going out without me again I do want DS to get outside, it's not fair he has to be stuck in the house all day just because I struggle to get out, but it's still so hard to let him go

Yanbu. Your baby was with you constantly for the past 9 months, and it is only right that he stays with you as much as you and he like for now. Separation is so much kinder on you both if it happens very slowly fourth trimester

writer honestly you are completely normal. Well as normal as me as that's just how I felt even about dc4.

Haven't you got friends who can reassure you? Your dh sounds lovely but it's good for men to suffer a little.

Your dh sounds like a saint!

I do have friends with babies/children who I could talk to but sometimes it's easier when doing it anonymously online. I'm pretty sure one of them would definitely think I'm being precious and silly though.

DH has just come back and although not crying as such, DS was grizzly and shrieking. DH promised me that DS was completely settled on the walk though and only started getting ratty as they were nearing the house. DH could tell I'd been crying again and I reiterated how hard it is when DS is away from me. DH said, "But he's with me, he's fine." I told him I knew that, and it isn't like I don't think DH can care for him, I said something just feels 'wrong' when he's away from me.

I think DH understands as best he can even if he did call me a Wally Brain.

moany - DH is a saint. I had worried about how he'd adapt to fatherhood and how he'd cope with the pressures and the changes he'd have to make to his free living lifestyle etc but he's been totally amazing.

Perfectly normal feeling. I even remember popping to the shops on my own when ds2 was a baby and there was a newborn crying in his pram, it triggered a very emotional reaction because he wasn't picked up and just kept wailing (I know some babies cry ALOT and I'm not judging the mum, just at the time the sound of a new born crying used to really get to me)

I think this is normal for many mums, I felt the same.

Do some reading on fourth trimester and get dh to read it to.

He sounds lovely btw and it's good you are keeping on talking as this hormonal newborn stage is prime time for arguing.

As for getting out and about yes it's good to get fresh air so maybe potter in your garden? And the poster that says they were walking 6miles a day a week after a c section, well wooppe doo for you but I am pretty sure that is not recommended,it's major surgery.

And I say that as someone who had normal deliveries and was lucky enough to feel physically fine, I was up and about and doing stuff and got told to rest as I made my blood loss worse. If you feel up to doing stuff then great,if not listen to your body!

I am right op in that you have some other health issues? So you need to take care, do speak to gp or midwife as well xx

I think the first few times your newborn is away from you are incredibly difficult, and it is totally normal to feel stressed about it.

Also, without meaning to sound rude to other posters regarding healing and how soon they were driving etc - your recovery is yours, not anyone else's. Everyone is different. I was uncomfortable for a long time post section, partly I think because I was bumping the pram up and down the stairs to our flat within a couple of weeks. I bled for a long time, and I felt a lot of pressure from MWs to say it was getting less ('and your flow must be light by now?') when it really wasn't. When I had my second baby (natural birth) again I bled for a long time, so probably just natural for me. But so many people assume that because something was one way for them, it will be the same way for everyone else.

My daughter had her appendix out by keyhole surgery last year. The surgeon commented that for an adult that would probably mean a month to 6 weeks off work. I know someone who had a hysterectomy and was told to do minimal lifting for 6 weeks. Yet women can go through labour and abdominal surgery and everyone expects them to be up and about and getting on with normal life the next week. Some can, and that is great for them, but I wish there was a bit more acknowledgement that some people need more time taking things easy.

If you need more time taking it easy, then do that. Try and have what you need for the day on one level and avoid the stairs. Walk slowly when you go out and build your strength up. And speak to your GP or MW about the healing - you may have an infection, you may need some help to get your muscles back in tone, there may be something else they can do to help.

Does your DH help at night? Mine used to get up to our daughter, feed her, bring her to me, and rub her back if she was windy after her feed. He did this because he was awake anyway, and he could see that the bending and lifting was painful for me. It also gave him newborn cuddle time

Yes I would struggle walking 6 miles a day and I gave birth last in 1999!.

DH is fantastic overnight - when DS wakes, every 2.5 hours usually, DH will get up and do the nappy change and then pass DS to me for feeding.

Every night we have a 3 hour period where DS loves to be awake, this is usually 10pm-01am. During this period he can be grizzly but tends to just want to be on the breast all the time or needing winding. I always tell DH to try and get some sleep as there's no point us both being shattered, plus he has to get up for work, but DH has none of it. He tells me that it isn't fair he should sleep if I can't and then says, "We're in this together." He will then sit up with me for the entire 3 hours just to keep me company - bless him.

YANBU to feel this way. However YABU if you stop DH from taking the baby out for a walk. The baby isn't going to starve to death in 1 hour and DH should be encouraged to take responsibility and have bonding time with the baby as well.