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AIBU?

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Original poster

To always want my baby with me.....

201 replies

Writerwannabe83 · 12/04/2014 10:27

I have a DS who was 3 weeks old yesterday and is exclusively breastfeed. Up until yesterday, bar one occasion when DH took him for a 10 minute drive, he has always been with me.

Yesterday my DH said he'd take him for a quick walk - fine, no problem - but this then changed to DH deciding he would actually walk to ASDA, do the shopping and then walk back, meaning they'd be gone well over an hour. I told DH I felt a bit uncomfortable with this seeing as DS is breast feeding and it's a long time to be away from me if he starts screaming. DH managed to talk me round though. When they did reappear DS was absolutely screaming and frantic, I found it really hard and it upset me as DH said he'd been like it for over 20 minutes.

DH has now just announced he's got to go into town and will take DS with him 'to give me a break'. Obviously I'm dreading it but I'm being made to feel like a paranoid mother because I want my baby with me. DH has said he won't be long but that doesn't help my anxiety at all. I'm feeding DS now in order to try and avoid any hunger screaming.

The reason my DH has been doing these trips alone is because I'm recovering from a C-Section and can't walk far.

Am I being unreasonable? I know my DH has every right to take him out and it isn't about stopping him spending time with his son, it's just I worry that DS is still too young to be away from me and his food supply.

Maybe I'm just jealous that DH is getting to do all these 'Baby's first trips outside' and I can't join them Sad

OP posts:
monkeynuts123 · 13/04/2014 19:19

Oh pagwatch the baby is a few days old for goodness sake, your opinion makes sense further down the line. A newborn couldn't care less about anyone other than their mum.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 13/04/2014 19:27

Actually, what is "best" for a young ebf baby is to be close to his mother.
This is useful for recognising subtle feeding cues, thereby ensuring optimal milk intake and continued supply, and for immunological reasons as the mother will produce antibodies to illnesses she is exposed to and these will be present in her milk. If a bf mother is exposed to certain viruses for example, her milk could contain antibodies for that virus within around 30 minutes. This helps protect the baby.
What a 3 wo baby doesnt "need" is to pushed around the park by his grandparents or around sainsburys by his DF while his mother sobs for an hour at home.
Everyone has their own way of doing things. But there is method to the madness in this case.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 13/04/2014 19:29

Yes monkeynuts I second that.

Goldmandra · 13/04/2014 19:29

that it is best for our child is wrong

I'd love to see the evidence that shows that 21 day old babies need to be taken away from their mothers in order to thrive.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 13/04/2014 19:35

And nobody is advocating keeping the baby away from its wider family.
Just respecting his mothers strong and natural drive to keep him close.

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 13/04/2014 19:42

Well I fed DS and sent a very settled him and DH on their way to the Grandparents house so they could go on their walk. They were back within about 45 minutes and DS was still fast asleep. It was definitely easier knowing my DH was there on the walk. He said he'd spoken to his parents who completely understood - I can only take his word for that though. It will be interesting to see if the subject is raised when I next see them....

OP posts:
WilsonFrickett · 13/04/2014 19:43

I think, in cases other than the father, people say 'what can we do to help' but mean 'when can I cuddle the baby.' Whereas actual help - sort out the dinner, wash and hang a load of laundry - would feel actually positive and useful, taking the baby away feels all wrong.

So absolutely, the PILs taking the baby for a walk isn't a 'helpful' thing.

I still do think the DH is coming from a good place though and that part of this parenting lark is finding a way through that for both of you - otherwise you're three years down the line and have a Disney Dad of your own making. It still of course is very early days though.

WilsonFrickett · 13/04/2014 19:43

X post, glad it all worked out tonight Writer

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 13/04/2014 19:44

Does anyone know any good literature about the importance of newborns being kept close to their mother? It might help if my DH could read something that highlights that my anxieties are genuine.

OP posts:
Pagwatch · 13/04/2014 19:46

Oh paff!
That's so not what I'm saying . The incredibly emotive level of response is exactly what's bothering me.
A small child needs to be warm and fed. Everything else becomes negotiable and life throws shit at people including illness or incapacity.
Pretending that somehow only a mother is able , and therefore responsible, for a baby's contentment is burdensome and damaging.
The truth is that babies thrive and mothers are best served by being well rested and gaining support where it is available

WilsonFrickett · 13/04/2014 19:49

this isn't literature but I think does a great job of explaining 'mothering' in terms of the whole day going by and you not being able to say what you did - except look after your baby.

BertieBotts · 13/04/2014 19:53

You could try What Mothers Do or Why Love Matters. Not sure how academic they are (the latter more than the former) but they both will tell you the actual ache of feeling that your baby is too far away. A lot of it is hormonal/instinctual.

The thing is that while it's definitely true that other people can care for a baby just as well as its mother - in some cases, better - and a baby is not necessarily better off with their mother, when the mother and baby are both distressed by being apart, where is the rush? It does no harm to let them be together and get used to shorter periods of separation building up to longer ones. It doesn't mean the father is less important, or less able. It doesn't mean that a mother who feels distress at her baby being not immediately close is a better or worse mother than somebody who doesn't feel this. It is as normal to feel it as to not feel it.

There is no blanket one way of doing things which is right for all babies and all families, for this short precious time, why not just stick to an arrangement that brings least distress to everybody? The baby will separate in time.

BertieBotts · 13/04/2014 19:55

What Mothers Do is really utterly amazing. In fact I think everyone should buy a copy and on your baby's first birthday pass it on to the next new mother you know. I want to get copies circulating! Grin

WilsonFrickett · 13/04/2014 19:59

I've given a copy of What Mothers Do to every single one of my DFs on the birth of their pfbs Bertie Grin

Pagwatch · 13/04/2014 19:59

Grin Bertie , are you on commission ?

Goldmandra · 13/04/2014 20:27

Pretending that somehow only a mother is able , and therefore responsible, for a baby's contentment is burdensome and damaging.

Who is saying that?

Most people, me included, are saying that there's no reason to distress the mother by taking him away from her at such a young age.

Nobody is saying that going for a walk would be harmful to the baby.

Pagwatch · 13/04/2014 20:31

Good

thebody · 13/04/2014 20:35

You don't need to read a book to know that a tiny baby is best off with mum.

It's nature. Although the book is good I agree.

writer stop worrying about worrying.

It's normal.

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 13/04/2014 20:42

Thanks for the advice about that book - I will download it on to my Kindle. I'm feeling much better this evening, just having a few hours sleep this afternoon and talking things through with my DH (and all you of course) has really helped. I have handed DS over to DH - they are watching the Golf together - and I've retreated back to the bedroom for some peaceful 'me' time before the horror of night time cluster feeding begins.

The good thing about today is that I have done absolutely nothing - I've left the bedroom only to go the loo - and I've just realised I haven't had to take any pain killers all day. My DH has got two works off work now and has ordered me to rest, rest and rest.

OP posts:
WilsonFrickett · 13/04/2014 20:44

I still think you should have your wound checked, even though you're feeling better today, 'K?

Catsize · 14/04/2014 22:14

OP, you might want to look at Three in a Bed by Deborah Jackson too. It is a book about co-sleeping primarily, but even if co-sleeping isn't your thing, it is a really interesting read, particularly as it is all about getting back to instincts. It isn't a how-to manual at all and would probably rather you chuck out the books (ironically). Glad things are improving Smile

Sharaluck · 14/04/2014 22:48

Yanbu

I was not away at all from my dc until around 3 months. Even then it was only for short times. Amount of time away naturally lengthened as they grew, so I never worried about it.

I think it is natural to keep them close as newborns, that's why the first 3 months are called - the 4th trimester. Follow your gut instincts. Dh can help and bond with baby around the home if you're housebound.

Ignore the pils. They have had their babies and have probably forgotten a lot Wink

Hope you are feeling better soon Flowers

StretchyCat · 14/04/2014 23:07

I second What Mothers Do. My DS is 8 weeks old and I'm having a massive crisis of confidence about my choices and dipping into the book is helping when I feel a bit panicy. Lack of sleep isn't helping Hmm

Good luck OP just take each day as it comes and enjoy your baby.

Handsoff7 · 15/04/2014 01:41

OP it sounds like you have found a good solution to these issues. I hope you and your husband have a good couple of weeks. Please still get yourself checked though - it doesn't sound like your recovery is going as it should.

Monkeynuts, that newborns couldn't care less about anyone but their mum is complete rubbish and pretty offensive. Newborns are calmed by their daddy's voice from birth and definitely respond and are comforted by a cuddle (particularly as daddies don't smell of milk and make them think of feeding). I'm pretty sure my newborn cares about me and her mum a similar amount.

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 16/04/2014 12:03

handsoff - I agree about dad's being calming and soothing to babies. When DS won't settle with me (and I know it's not hunger) I hand him over to DH and usually within. 10 minutes of being with his dad DS is much calmer or asleep.

However, when a breastfeed baby is hungry he just wants his mom - well, her breasts really Smile There is no worse sound to me than hearing my baby scream in hunger and me not being able to meet that need instantly.

OP posts: