To always want my baby with me.....

[Writerwannabe83]

I have a DS who was 3 weeks old yesterday and is exclusively breastfeed. Up until yesterday, bar one occasion when DH took him for a 10 minute drive, he has always been with me.

Yesterday my DH said he'd take him for a quick walk - fine, no problem - but this then changed to DH deciding he would actually walk to ASDA, do the shopping and then walk back, meaning they'd be gone well over an hour. I told DH I felt a bit uncomfortable with this seeing as DS is breast feeding and it's a long time to be away from me if he starts screaming. DH managed to talk me round though. When they did reappear DS was absolutely screaming and frantic, I found it really hard and it upset me as DH said he'd been like it for over 20 minutes.

DH has now just announced he's got to go into town and will take DS with him 'to give me a break'. Obviously I'm dreading it but I'm being made to feel like a paranoid mother because I want my baby with me. DH has said he won't be long but that doesn't help my anxiety at all. I'm feeding DS now in order to try and avoid any hunger screaming.

The reason my DH has been doing these trips alone is because I'm recovering from a C-Section and can't walk far.

Am I being unreasonable? I know my DH has every right to take him out and it isn't about stopping him spending time with his son, it's just I worry that DS is still too young to be away from me and his food supply.

Maybe I'm just jealous that DH is getting to do all these 'Baby's first trips outside' and I can't join them

Ok, now I've read that early experience you had with your baby it makes more sense. You are anxious about letting anyone else have him because it brings back that memory of handing him over and brings back all those anxious feelings about not being in control and your associated feeling of being a bad mum. There is not a mother on this whole website who has not had a moment where they snapped when baby was small and wanted someone to take baby away for a few minutes, that is not abnormal and you are not a bad mother because of it. You happened to find a support worker who did what they are paid to do which is to support new mums and their babies, you reached out for support and you got it, this is being a good mum. You didn't give your baby over to just any old person, you gave your baby for a few minutes to someone who helped you and baby. You need to spend time processing this one incident and the rest of it will fall into place. You did nothing wrong, why don't you ask that as a new AIBU? Was IBU to let a support worker on maternity unit help me with my new baby? Of course you were in a state, you were a new mum with a baby who had trouble feeding and you wanted to feed him, that's about as upsetting as it can get for a new mum.

ps talk to your hv about all this tomorrow morning, just call her, she will help you think about all this clearly.

TBH it's totally understandable how you feel and it's tricky when the person trying to be really helpful with your new DC is the baby's father. I think if it was another relative then it's a bit easier to say 'hands off'. For now, hormones are all over the place and it's okay to want your baby in the house with you but do keep a check on this as you can't be like this as the weeks and months tick on. I expect the fact you can't get out of the house isn't helping either.

Try to remember that your DS won't remember any of this, it feels awful at the time with a screaming newborn and sometimes you just can't feed them at that moment (e.g. driving down the motorway!) and it's heart wrenching, but they won't remember it. You do, but again the memory does fade slightly with time.

Regarding the BFing, DD was fed by syringe for the first day as she just wouldn't latch on and it was 10 weeks of BFing hell before we got the hang of it. In fact we were so rubbish at it in the first week that DD screamed for the best part of an hour as she was so tired and hungry that she wouldn't do either and we were stuck in a loop. Took a 45min drive in the car, one 20min cat nap for DD and we just about managed a feed. Now though (4.5 years on), I remember the incident but I can look back and smile, DD is fine, I'm fine, she doesn't remember it, and for me, the memory had faded. I remember I felt awful and was crying, but there's so many more memories of DD in my head that it's not as strong as it was.

You are all so lovely and supportive, this forum is so amazing at offering reassurance.

monkeynuts - you have summed it up perfectly regarding how 'handing my DS over brings all those memories back. I have never actually told my DH what happened that night at the hospital, I was so worried he'd be disappointed in me. I know now that he absolutely wouldn't feel like that and would be as lovely as you have all been - I think if I get upset over it again, I will tell him.

2 days after my cs, I came home, got into bed and stayed there for 7 days. It was brill. I had my meals brought to me, had visitors, watched telly, slept, and sorted out bf, all in the comfort of my bedroom. Dh did the cooking, cleaning (sort of), washing and other childcare while I cocooned with baby dd2. Dd1 joined us for cuddles and stories and we either all slept together or dh and dd1 would go in the spare room. I knew I'd have to hit the ground running when dh went back to work so it was my little present to myself, I loved it. No way should babies be away from you so early. YANBU but your wound should be feeling better - I could drive at 3 weeks ish and I am a wimp of the highest degree.

Oh and dd2 had formula in hospital - she was ravenous and my milk hadn't come in, I called the midwife in as I'd been feeding uunsuccessfully for 4 hours and dd2 guzzled 60mls of formula! Bless her. Not my fault, though, I couldn't feed her what wasn't there and neither could you so don't beat yourself up - you sorted it out.

You did the RIGHT thing by handing your DD to a nurse when you were tired and stressed. Please don't beat yourself up about it. But its understandable you feel anxious now when you hand your baby to anyone else. EBF is a great thing if you can manage it, but the most important thing of all is that your baby is fed one way or another, so don't beat yourself up about a little bit of formula.

I really can understand why you feel so anxious and I sympathise, and at the moment you are awash with hormones and love for your baby. But I really do think it helps to remember that while your DH isn't all hormonal, he is still a new father and he wants time to bond with his baby too. Taking the baby to the supermarket might not have been the best idea he's ever had if you're not comfortable with it, but the thought came from the right place.

If you can slowly find a way to letting your DH be alone with your baby for increasing periods of time that will help him too. So often you see on MN that women are stressed or upset that their DH can't or won't manage the baby, and I really do think that if someone spends the first few months pushing their DH away from looking after the baby, even if it is unconsciously done, that undermines their confidence so much. Soon your baby will be crying not just for food but for comfort, which a dad can provide too.

Be kind to yourself and take time and rest. Talk to someone about your wound as I agree, 3w post-cs you should probably be feeling a little better now - I'm not bragging, but 3w post-emcs I was able to be out and about on my own with a tank of a pram, as long as I was careful. But I would also suggest keeping an eye on your anxiety - it's a difficult time with a newborn, but being overly anxious about things could be a sign of approaching PND. I've seen it happen before with women who have had birth and hospital experiences that have really upset them, so be honest with your DH and keep talking about how you feel.

Princess28 you are showing exactly the sexism I'm talking about.

Looking after MY baby is not "a lovely thing I'm doing for my wife". It's just parenting

Looking after MY baby is not "a lovely thing I'm doing for my wife". It's just parenting

Really? You said it yourself;

As I sit on a chair in our bedroom with our 5 week old sleeping on me while my wife gets 4-6 hours unbroken sleep in the spare room

The mother's instincts screaming at her to keep her baby close for the first few weeks are no more sexist than the mother carrying the baby inside her for nine months or being the one whose body produces the milk. The are all important aspects of the same process.

It wouldn't be appropriate for the baby to be left screaming for food whoever is looking after him. The fact that the mother is the source of the food means it wouldn't be appropriate for him to be too far away from her. That isn't sexism. It's logic.

It all just nearly kicked off again

I was upstairs in the bedroom with very clingy, cluster feeding DS and I hear the PIL come in and say, "We've come to see if we can take the little one for a walk in his pram." My heart stopped and then I heard my DH tell them yes!!!

He came upstairs to tell me and I went mad! I said how could he think I'd be ok with it when I'd got so upset about him, DS's own father doing it yesterday. The In-laws have probably seen DS about 5 times since he was born, there is no way I'm letting them take DS, he doesn't even know them!

I told DH it wasn't happening and that DS is far too young to be separated from me and sent out with his grandparents, especially as he is breast fed. I said I'm not prepared to do something I'm not comfortable with just so his parents can enjoy pushing the pram! DH was not impressed.

Why do people think newborns are some kind of toy to pass around as opposed to something vulnerable that needs the security of its mother?!

I told DH that I needed his support and for him to tell me that he understood but he just made some comment implying that we'll only do what I want to do anyway. I said that wasn't good enough and I need him to tell me he understands DS is too young and that he is in agreement with my decision to say no to the In-Laws, but he couldn't.

He then went back downstairs to tell his parents they couldn't take DS and gave the excuse of the fact he's being clingy and grizzly. When his parents left he came back upstairs to ask me what was 'wrong with me' and I just repeated everything I'd said. He then went back downstairs and left me in tears because I hate arguing with him.

He came back up 10 minutes later though and we had a really good talk about it all. We have compromised that his Grandparents can take DS for a walk but only if DH goes with them so DS has a familiar body with him if he wakes up. We spoke about the difficult position I'm put in as I don't want to alienate the In-Laws but at the same time I'm not happy for them to go off with DS without either me or DH with them. DH then gave me a big hug and said that was totally fine - he is going to go and speak to his parents later and explain how I feel. I'm hoping his parents will understand but I have a feeling they'll think I'm just being difficult or trying to keep them away from the baby - which is ridiculous. DH has now said he will support me in whatever decision I make because what matters is that I feel comfortable with whatever happens and that as DS's mom I know best. I'm so glad we managed to sort it out and I feel much better about things now.

DH has now taken DS downstairs so I can try and get some sleep - which I desperately, desperately need.

writer its such early days I really hope everyone can just back off and let you be.

I am sure in a few months you will be happily passing the baby round, but just not right now.

I remember when baby was just born, dead of winter, rabid norivirus going round and flu, my siblings, with chest infections, coughs and sneezes put up a huge barrier when I asked them to wash their hands before touching her, as DB had a habit of sticking finger in her mouth and always touching her hands and face.

My DF just did it.

They made murmurs about babys needing exposure to germs.

Yes yes they do, but just not at several days ^old.

Fast forward a year, I am more than happy for them to breathe germs all over her, I am not precious but my instincts are to protect a bloody new born.

Op if you see MW next perhaps she can have a word to dh as well, I know you seem to have got through to him, but seriously, all this drama!

Handsoff- would you have preferred the word thoughtful? It would not be a lovely thing to do to disappear for an hour with a 3 week old baby where the mother does not know where the baby is and more importantly it causes her distress. Again, not sexist. It wouldn't matter if it was another woman (for example a sister or mother) who took them away. Google 4th trimester and you might see what I mean. I can't describe how stressful it was for me when my MIL took my baby for a walk. I now know it was perfectly normal to feel like that but for that time where I didn't know the whereabouts of my newborn was horrendous. It's definitely not a 'logical' thought. It's all instinctive.

Writer- I'm so pleased you have come to a solution that you are happy with. It does get easier I promise- especially after the first 3 months anyone want to come and look after my 7 month old while I get some sleep

Save your energy for your baby and yourself and don't waste time on the bun fight of AIBU trying to justify yourself. Tell your DH before you get upset, he needs to know how you feel. Working out inlaws and every other tom dick and harrys access to your baby is part of learning to be a parent. I put my foot down with the inlaws, no baby is not here to be shown off around marks and spencer, get lost. I put my foot down and they had to put up with that. End of. You have to learn to be assertive as a mum.

Why do people think they can only enjoy time with babies if they are away from their mothers? I really don't understand the urge to be in sole charge.

OP they can't say you're trying to keep them away from their DGS if you make them feel welcome to see him in your home or are willing to take him to theirs. They don't need to take him away from you to enjoy his company.

I think this is all in danger of being blown out of proportion. Family are keen to take baby out, rightly or wrongly and they obviously don't realise what your feelings are about it. So tell them. Either you speak to them direct or have dh do it.

You are getting really stressed about what is relatively a minor thing and I think you are struggling to see the wood for the trees.

If I were you I would wait till you were happy for him to go out with Gp and let them go a short walk without dh. Ds will be fine should he wake, he has seen them before and will have an association with them. Spending time with each other is the best way to establish that relationship. But wait until you are completely happy and it won't stress you out.

I really do sympathise with you but you are adding to your stress and you don't need that right now. Do what we all chatted about last night and then take it from there.

By the way, I say this and I have my own 18 week old who has yet to be left with family, apart from a day a couple of weeks ago when I took ill and spent a couple of days in hospital. My mum and sis had to have her all day. Forced my hand a bit!!

I agree with Nicky. It's fine if you don't want your IL's to take the baby out for a walk. But they don't mean it maliciously, they don't mean it to hurt you. Don't blow it out of proportion and let yourself get overly stressed by it, and try not to let it cause a row with your DH. Just firmly say that no, you aren't ready to let anyone take your DS away from you at the moment, and while you appreciate the offer (even if you don't, if you generally have a good relationship with people just be vaguely polite) but just not right now.

Goldman, my wife took over at 4am and I then had 4 hours clear sleep. Sharing the nights works well for us as we both then feel ok the next day. Not ever being apart from the baby means the OP can't do this.

The issue I feel is sexist is that it seems expected that the whereas woman has to be with the baby 100% of the time, no one would expect the man to do likewise and his desire to be with the baby is disregarded.

The OPs husband sounds like he wants to be able to look after his baby on his own too. I find it really rewarding (albeit exhausting at times) and I think it's beneficial for my wife too. We're lucky that our daughter will take a bottle so I can feed her too but even if that wasn't the case a hour immediately post a (good) feed should be fine.

Princess - my baby isn't even out of the third trimester yet. The enforced separation of the NICU whilst hard at the time I guess meant separation anxiety had to be addressed really early.

However, again in the case of the OP we're not talking a stranger taking him away, the baby will be with his father.

The issue I feel is sexist is that it seems expected that the whereas woman has to be with the baby 100% of the time, no one would expect the man to do likewise and his desire to be with the baby is disregarded.

Nobody would expect the man to carry the foetus for nine months or breastfeed the baby either. You can't say that once the baby is born the mother must ignore all her instincts in the interests of making the father feel like an equal.

This isn't a about a woman feeling like she's more important than a man. This is about a woman having an overwhelming and virtually irresistible drive to keep her baby close. It's a primeval instinct which is there to keep babies alive. If fathers felt the same the human species wouldn't have survived because new parents would have starved.

I completely acknowledge that fathers should be deeply involved with their newborn children and have equal rights in terms of parental responsibility. His desire to be with and care for his new baby shouldn't be disregarded but it doesn't have to be at the expense of the mother's need to keep her baby close. They are different drives and they can both be met by people realising that they can build relationships with babies with the mother present.

Some babies seem to be naturally more needy of contact with people they know.

Before I had DD I had these images of myself as a totally chilled mum, passing a grining baby around a circle of family and acquaintances. I actually thought wingey, crying babies were created by stressed out, controlling mothers...HA HA HA, karma is a bitch! My PFB turned out to be a barnacle, stuck on me at all times. I couldn't even pop her down in a pram, DP could only take her for 10 minutes tops before she went mental, and I couldn't sit back and hear her cry.

So 9 months of carrying and keeping her close it was until she grew out of it. I am not advocating this as a parenting style, nor am I judging other people who make other choices, but sometimes you just have to do what you have to do, and for me it was carrying her and keeping her with me. Gradually she's become more and more independent, with this last year (2-3yo) making an enormous difference, she'll now go off to nursery happily, go off with relatives and friends to have fun, is reassured by DP even when stressed and unhappy, so life does get better, but some babies just need a one-to-one contact for a while.

Oh poor writer. It's so hard In the beginning. Such early days.
Fwiw, after a horrible delivery with my PFB even my DM wasn't "allowed" to visit for a week
Thankfully DH had my back and even when ppl started visiting he enforced appropriate restrictions. It might well have seemed overly precious and controlling to some ppl but without that controlled start I think I might have fallen apart. I know that sounds dramatic. Maybe it was. But I will forever be grateful to him for seeing what I needed when I felt so vulnerable.

My DH spent time with our baby. But no, he didn't take him out of the house for any time in the first few weeks. It just felt wrong for us, well, for me.
We have a very sociable little boy now btw.

Some sleep will help too I think.

I think it is worth contemplating what is best for the child amidst the 'omg I so needed xx' posts '

Life is not actually a bowl of cherries and to assume that because we, as a mother, would ideally like one scenario, that it is best for our child is wrong,
Our child thrives amidst a group of people who love us. To assume our attention solely is best is somewhat self serving and blinkered