Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To always want my baby with me.....

201 replies

Writerwannabe83 · 12/04/2014 10:27

I have a DS who was 3 weeks old yesterday and is exclusively breastfeed. Up until yesterday, bar one occasion when DH took him for a 10 minute drive, he has always been with me.

Yesterday my DH said he'd take him for a quick walk - fine, no problem - but this then changed to DH deciding he would actually walk to ASDA, do the shopping and then walk back, meaning they'd be gone well over an hour. I told DH I felt a bit uncomfortable with this seeing as DS is breast feeding and it's a long time to be away from me if he starts screaming. DH managed to talk me round though. When they did reappear DS was absolutely screaming and frantic, I found it really hard and it upset me as DH said he'd been like it for over 20 minutes.

DH has now just announced he's got to go into town and will take DS with him 'to give me a break'. Obviously I'm dreading it but I'm being made to feel like a paranoid mother because I want my baby with me. DH has said he won't be long but that doesn't help my anxiety at all. I'm feeding DS now in order to try and avoid any hunger screaming.

The reason my DH has been doing these trips alone is because I'm recovering from a C-Section and can't walk far.

Am I being unreasonable? I know my DH has every right to take him out and it isn't about stopping him spending time with his son, it's just I worry that DS is still too young to be away from me and his food supply.

Maybe I'm just jealous that DH is getting to do all these 'Baby's first trips outside' and I can't join them Sad

OP posts:
Bankholidaybaby · 12/04/2014 22:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Siennasun · 12/04/2014 22:29

I agree with Rhonda too.
YANBU to feel the way you do but YABU to expect your DH not to have alone time with his new baby.
It's a hormonal, emotional time and you can't help it if you feel tearful and anxious about DS being away from you, but your DH only has 2 weeks paternity leave. If I was him I'd feel very sad, and a bit resentful to be barred from taking him out for a short walk every so often.
I agree with others about getting your wound checked and to generally take care of yourself. Hope you feel better soon.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 12/04/2014 22:30

I loved it when DH took the baby out! It gave me a moment to reflect on all the changes, plus, I loved listening to the stories when he got back. I think DH would have been sad if he couldn't take baby to the post office/corner shop/school run without me.

I appreciate everyone is different tho. Keep the communication going between you...its easy to misunderstand each other in these early weeks.

RhondaJean · 12/04/2014 22:33

Bank I don't intend to get into an argument as it won't help the op at all but you completely misquoted me and also entirely missed the point I was making.

squoosh · 12/04/2014 22:35

You can't help the way you currently feel however I must say that I also agree with Rhonda.

Pagwatch · 12/04/2014 22:37

I completely agree with RhondaJean
Convincing oneself that only you can meet your child's needs is not helpful even if it is understandable.

Nicknacky · 12/04/2014 22:45

I actually read this thread and started to worry I was abnormal and wasn't very maternal. I breast feed and left my baby when she was fairly young, only for an hour or so and whilst I felt strange I didn't experience these emotions that so many posters say are normal.

My baby was with my husband, my co-parent. I trusted that she was perfectly safe in my absence and my only concern was that she needed a feed. He is the father and we made the decision to have children together, why can't he spend quality time in his own with his child? It might only be pushing the pram, but you feel proud as punch doing it.

Or am I as unusual as I worry I now am?

LittleBearPad · 12/04/2014 22:48

I agree with Rhonda too. Your DH taking your baby for a 20 minute walk shouldn't be this stressful for you.

You also need to get your scar looked at.

Finally STOP doing housework! Especially any that requires running up and down stairs.

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 12/04/2014 22:51

Thanks everyone for your continued thoughts, it seems like there is quite a split.

I had a very rough start with DS in hospital and I did something that left me with a lot of guilt and feeling like bad mom and that I'd let my baby down - I think some of that residual guilt still sits with me and I feel like I have to make up for it by always being there for DS.

OP posts:
JohnFarleysRuskin · 12/04/2014 22:52

Nicky, you're fine.

DH used to bring baby back going, 'I think he/she needs a feed.' I'd be like, 'can't you walk round the block again?'

I'm good with 5-12yr olds!

Nicknacky · 12/04/2014 22:54

John....."just push her faster, she will go back to sleep"!! Lol

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 12/04/2014 22:55

nicknacky - you aren't unusual Smile My concern was also about his feeding and that being away from me for over an hour just seemed such a long time. I 100% trust my DH with the baby and have no problems with him wanting to spend time alone with him....but an hour just seemed so long if potentially DS was going to be screaming for a feed. I just don't think newborns should be left to cry.

OP posts:
JohnFarleysRuskin · 12/04/2014 22:55

Exactly!

Annunziata · 12/04/2014 22:56

OP, whatever you've done, it can't be that bad. I promise you. You have only been a mamma for 3 weeks and you have got a long, long time to go, you can't carry the guilt about with you forever.

I admit I have only learned this lesson recently and my pfb is 25 Blush but always being there for your children sometimes means allowing yourself to step back and let someone else (or even your dc themselves!) take over.

AlpacaYourThings · 12/04/2014 22:58

Writer, I'm sure you wouldn't have done anything awful.

Do you want to talk about what happened at hospital?

Nicknacky · 12/04/2014 22:58

Being honest Writer, some of your posts do show an increased level of anxiety. Particularly the one about hearing him cry and lunging out of bed in a panic. You have had a traumatic start, just keep an eye on how your are feeling, maybe speak to your health visitor. You want to be certain that you are not feeling anything more than early days anxiousness. X

WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeGoes · 12/04/2014 23:11

I agree too that YANBU to feel this way but YABU to not be able to see that despite your feelings your baby will be OK out and about with your DH for half an hour. A good compromise would be that DH takes baby out but doesn't go too far from home so he can get back quickly if baby needs feeding. Or he stays at home with baby while you pop out for a walk by yourself.

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 12/04/2014 23:13

alpaca - I had a lot of problems establishing feeding in hospital, DS was going 6-7 hours with a feed and because of my CS I had lots of problems trying to get him to attach. He lost 9% of his birth weight in 48 hours, had early onset jaundice and had to be reviewed by the Neonatologists twice whose answer was to give formula.

On one particular night I was feeling really crappy, I was very sleep deprived and in lots of pain from my CS as I was refusing strong pain relief because I was breast feeding and was worried it was the pain relief that was causing him to be so lethargic. DS wouldn't stop screaming and no matter hoe hard I tried I just couldn't get him to latch and I just burst into tears - I felt absolutely hopeless. Eventually, at about 4am I picked DS up and just started wandering around the corridors of the ward in tears, just looking for anyone to help me. I was eventually found by a support worker who kept asking me what was wrong but I was so upset I couldn't explain it, I just handed my baby over to her and told her to 'do something with him'. She told me to go back to bed and get some sleep - she ended up cup feeding DS some formula. I was distraught about what I'd done. What kind of mother just hands her new baby over? I should have been the one comforting him, not a staff member that he didn't know.

The staff knew how upset I was and they were brilliant, really supportive and said it was understandable why I'd hit that point (sleep depravation, pain, frustration about feeding) and that I shouldn't be so hard on myself.

I had a huge amount of guilt for about 10 days, crying to my friend about it, posting on MN about how it had made me feel etc I don't get upset anymore but I still feel a bit bad about it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 12/04/2014 23:17

nickynacky - I am quite an anxious person anyway, always have been. I think I had pre-conceived ideas of what it would be like to have a newborn and how I'd be the 'perfect parent' etc and now I'm living the reality and it's not as simple as I thought it would be Smile

OP posts:
squoosh · 12/04/2014 23:17

You poor thing, sounds awful, but certainly not something you should feel guilty about. Easier said than done I know, guilt isn't the most rational of emotions. You were post surgery, exhausted, overwhelmed, flooded with hormones - you didn't just hand him over, you sought a nurse who you knew could help. You were being a good Mum.

AlpacaYourThings · 12/04/2014 23:18

Honestly, Writer that sounds like you did the right thing. You sought help, that's good!

You shouldn't feel bad about it at all and you shouldn't let it affect your decisions now.

Smile
Nicknacky · 12/04/2014 23:20

Easier said than done but don't beat yourself up about that! Dd2 wouldn't settle for me in hospital and I had basically the same conversation which resulted in the midwife cup feeding while I fell asleep. I felt crap about it, and even though she was my second I still needed the help. Whilst having a baby is natural it's not easy!

Yes you are his mummy, but these midwives are so experienced and are there for you too. You needed the sleep so you could recover and provide the milk for him.

Annunziata · 12/04/2014 23:22

Oh my darling, formula from a cup, is that all?! I thought you had dangled him out of the window like Michael Jackson!

You were asking for help from someone there to help you, you've done absolutely nothing wrong.

He won't remember at all, and he certainly hasn't suffered from it.

Nicknacky · 12/04/2014 23:24

Forget being a perfect parent. Ain't gonna happen! You can be fab, amazing, fantastic but never perfect. No matter how hard you try. But if you put yourself under that pressure, you will fail and then you will struggle to cope with that.

Motherhood is portrayed to us as being this big bubble of happiness. It can be, but the very early days are tough and that can be a real culture shock. I've only come to terms with my demons since having my second dd. Remember your h us in this as well, he is probably going through a range of emotions too, make sure you both acknowledge each other's feelings.

ThursdayConsuelaLast · 12/04/2014 23:27

Writer, I had to do the exact same thing other than I actually buzzed a MW and asked her to sort DS out in the middle of the night.
Thankfully I got a sympathetic one and she did.
I totally understand how you feel guilty but please know that it is not a rational guilt.