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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To always want my baby with me.....

201 replies

Writerwannabe83 · 12/04/2014 10:27

I have a DS who was 3 weeks old yesterday and is exclusively breastfeed. Up until yesterday, bar one occasion when DH took him for a 10 minute drive, he has always been with me.

Yesterday my DH said he'd take him for a quick walk - fine, no problem - but this then changed to DH deciding he would actually walk to ASDA, do the shopping and then walk back, meaning they'd be gone well over an hour. I told DH I felt a bit uncomfortable with this seeing as DS is breast feeding and it's a long time to be away from me if he starts screaming. DH managed to talk me round though. When they did reappear DS was absolutely screaming and frantic, I found it really hard and it upset me as DH said he'd been like it for over 20 minutes.

DH has now just announced he's got to go into town and will take DS with him 'to give me a break'. Obviously I'm dreading it but I'm being made to feel like a paranoid mother because I want my baby with me. DH has said he won't be long but that doesn't help my anxiety at all. I'm feeding DS now in order to try and avoid any hunger screaming.

The reason my DH has been doing these trips alone is because I'm recovering from a C-Section and can't walk far.

Am I being unreasonable? I know my DH has every right to take him out and it isn't about stopping him spending time with his son, it's just I worry that DS is still too young to be away from me and his food supply.

Maybe I'm just jealous that DH is getting to do all these 'Baby's first trips outside' and I can't join them Sad

OP posts:
Coconutty · 12/04/2014 14:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

5madthings · 12/04/2014 14:32

I actually walk 8miles a day on School run, 12 on the day's dd is at pre school and I walk to stuff inbetween but even I took it hashish after my straightforward births, it's funny we are so obsessed with getting up and out and back to normal but my mil was in hospital for a week after her two and when she came to visit after I had ds2 and I was out and about going to toddler groups etc within a week and she was horrified.

It's not a competition and this time is so short lived, enjoy your baby and rest when you can, in no time at all you will be running around after them!

RhondaJean · 12/04/2014 14:38

Op I'm reading your other posts and I think you seriously need a chat with your midwife.

I'd be worried you might have a low level infection with the wound pain, and also I think you need to address this level of anxiety as soon as you can.

I'm glad you are getting some rest though and I hope that helps.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 12/04/2014 14:42

I'll accept your word that your dh is being amazing.
But if my dh had tried to question my maternal wisdom of needing my babies close in the first few weeks I might have killed him.
Anyone who wants to help can feel free to get stuck into some housework,there's plenty of it to go round.

Ilikepancakes · 12/04/2014 14:43

YANBU

Three weeks is very young, I think going outside is optional for mother and baby for the first six weeks - if you aren't feeling up to it them you can both stay in. After six weeks you'll be healed better and if your DH wants to take him out for longer than you're comfortable with you'll be healed up enough to go with them.

Why don't you ask DH that until you are healed could he limit his trips out with DS to very short walks. Say you appreciate that he wants to give you a break and if you feel you need one you'll ask. Maybe suggest DH takes baby to another room between feeds for some father bonding time to give you break but if DS gets very upset you are right there.

Cushionmonster · 12/04/2014 15:05

YANBU

Totally understandable not to want your tiny baby to be away from you, even if he is with his loving dad. Your DH doesn't have breasts so is limited in what he can do. He's only three weeks old. Gradually you'll feel more comfortable with your baby being away for short periods, but tbh with a breastfed baby the times between feeds can be very short.

Your DH will also have to get used to the fact that very often you will decide to take baby out for a walk/go to shops etc, then just as you're ready to go the baby starts crying and you need to get him out of the pram and feed him. That's just how it goes. Or you'll suddenly realise the baby's done a huge poo and needs a wash and full change of clothes. You have to get used to delaying your plans, going for a walk later and reorganising your day. Granted, sometimes that's not possible, like if you're taking an older child to school then the baby might have to wait for a feed, but it seems unkind to make a baby wait unless it's essential. It's a huge adjustment to realise that you're not in control of how your day goes, but it's not forever.

thebody · 12/04/2014 16:55

Fast forward 4 months and you will be begging each other to take him out t

thebody · 12/04/2014 16:55

To get a rest/sleep. Grin

sadsaddersaddest · 12/04/2014 16:59

YANBU.
I couldn't leave the DCs out of my sight for at least 6 months.
If your husband wants to "give you a break", he'd better deal with housework and let you relax with your baby.

keepcalm111 · 12/04/2014 17:11

Three weeks post section is absolutely nothing.I remember taking DD3 out in pram, getting about 150 yards from house and seriously panic as to how i would make it back home again
I think your baby was screaming not because he was hungry, but because he was protesting that you weren't there!!You do have to let him feel as comfortable with your dh as you.Just as much his baby as yours and he needs to be allowed time alone with the baby to develop this bond.

ICanSeeTheSun · 12/04/2014 17:14

Would writing DH a letter explaining your feeling to him.

It's normal to want your baby with you, tbh at that age I couldn't have be away from ds.

chocolatemartini · 12/04/2014 17:39

I told family who wanted to steal my babies for too long that a breast milk feed is digested in 20 minutes so I can't be away from my babies for longer than that in case they are hungry. My son did actually feed every 20 minutes through the day at one stage.

chocolatemartini · 12/04/2014 17:46

I also found the general principle helpful in this book that for the first 3 years a boy belongs primarily with his mother, then until puberty more with his father, and after that he needs other external role models. I may have quoted that a bit wrong, but it seems fairly true to me. Your DH will become your son's primary role model at some stage, but for now as a baby all your DS really needs is your boobs nearby and both of your cuddles.

MiscellaneousAssortment · 12/04/2014 18:15

I felt such a strong physical and emotional reaction to people taking my newborn too long. It shocked me the gut wrenching pain of separation. Maybe explain in terms of its a biological response and it's not about rational logic etc. and its certainly not about trusting him or getting in the way of him bonding.

it's also there for a good reason, everything about you is focused on caring for your baby and biology wants that to happen!

I confess to having a complete break down when my stbxh tried to take Ds into another room as we arrived home from hospital. He thought he was being helpful Blush

I also think little and not too often is the way forwards, and with your dh sticking to very clear timings and building up that trust. That's the best way he can help, and if he can understand that, he's a great man indeed :)

Re the csection, definitely get it checked out. I suspect you're not resting enough to let your body heal. It's so tempting to 'push through the pain' to get back to normal as quick as possible... But it really doesn't work! It's such a hard thing to do especially if you are used to being a busy and effective person, and now you have lots to do that probably gets in your head and it's hard to just stop... But believe me, your body needs rest. C sections are major surgery, and people forget that.

Take care of yourself Flowers

Oldraver · 12/04/2014 18:23

Taking a three week old baby b/f or not away from its Mum is NOT giving her a break even if it is his Dad. If you dont want to be away form your baby tell DH

Princess28 · 12/04/2014 18:41

This thread has made me cry. My MIL decided to 'give me a break' when PFB was 2 days old. THE WORST 45 mins of my life. I'd had a csect so I'd taken baby out for a short walk in the morning so me and DH could be the first ones to take him out. After she'd left with him DH and BIL kept trying to get me to go to bed but I was beside myself. I kept trying to call her but she 'didn't hear' her phone. I was running up and down the road trying to find her- when the doctor arrived to check up on me! She arrived back then and I spent 5 mins waffling on to the doctor about the fact I wasn't mental (I must have looked it when he got there). My logical head told me that he would be fine but my new mother instincts completely took over. I'm still furious the whole thing happened. My DH didn't know any better but my MIL really should have. DS2 didn't leave my side for weeks (2-3 months?). So much better. And now he's 7 months I'll quite happily leave him with DM/DH and even MIL. So YANBU.
However, I've had 2 csect and I would be going to the doctors if I couldn't leave the house after 3 weeks. Like others I was driving by then and going for quite long walks- so get yourself checked out.

littledrummergirl · 12/04/2014 19:07

I think yabu to not allow your dh to take his dc out for an hour. Your dc is not going to suffer any harm because of it. Yes he maybe a little hungry for a while but that will be put right as soon as they get home.
I ebf all 3 of mine and I remember ds2 screaming his head off for a while because of an unplanned trip to a&e with ds1. He survived.
I think that you need to let go a little and accept that your dh wants time with his dc. Take the opportunity to have a soak, read a book or take a nap.
Your dh sounds great to me.

Goldmandra · 12/04/2014 19:13

I think yabu to not allow your dh to take his dc out for an hour. Your dc is not going to suffer any harm because of it.

No. YANBU!

Keeping your newborn with you at all times is a primitive instinct the purpose of which is to keep to baby alive, well and developing appropriately. This is a really strong instinct in most mothers and there's no good reason not to listen to it.

Mothers of three week old babies don't need them to be taken out of the house to have a break. They need someone to hold the baby while they have a shower, a meal or a nap and they need other people to take on shopping, housework and care of older children.

There's a lot to be said for the old days when you had six weeks in bed with your baby.

itiswhatitiswhatitis · 12/04/2014 19:22

There is no reason for a three week old baby having to cry for more than a few minutes out of hunger especially not so dad can take him out for a walk.

There are plenty of ways for a new father to spend time with his newborn without leaving the house. It's hardly bonding if baby is in a pram. Do you allow your DH to be as hands on as possible at home?

Perhaps agree with your DH to a bed day whereby you stay in bed all day and he will bring the baby to you for feeding but otherwise do all other parenting duties

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 12/04/2014 19:38

Thanks everyone for your support and advice.

I know my baby won't die of hunger being away from me for an hour but that doesn't mean it's ok for my baby to just be allowed to scream so his dad can take him for a walk.

We are going to register the birth on Monday and the Registry Office is situated in a lovely park so we'll probably go for a little walk at the same time.

I'm so, so, so glad that 99% of you understand why I felt the way I did.
After 9 months of having him inside me it really does feel like part of me is missing if he isn't physically with me.

OP posts:
BertieBotts · 12/04/2014 19:43

I think it's as much a weaning process for you as it is for the baby when they are tiny.

I really identified with the comment about missing out on the first trips out etc too.

I'm glad to hear you're feeling more mobile and able to get out as the three of you :) In time you'll feel more able to let your baby go out without you, first with a select few trusted people, eventually, with anyone who offers Grin

Only1scoop · 12/04/2014 19:44

Writer....congratulations!!!! Smile

No real advice but

So glad to hear you loving being a mummy.

I remember thinking my C sec would never recover....that pulling feeling especially getting in and out of bath.

It does I promise.

monkeynuts123 · 12/04/2014 19:48

You're not over anxious. You are totally normal and I felt the same as you and have gone on to be a fairly normal mum Smile

beginnings · 12/04/2014 19:49

D'you know how old my pfb was the first time I was separated from her? 11 weeks. It was for an hour and I hated every second.

DD2 is 6mo and I still don't like being away from her for too long. Like with DD1, I'm hoping this will ease off in the next few weeks.

Yanbu

Would have your wound checked though - that doesn't sound right

Greypuddle · 12/04/2014 19:53

Congratulations. Sounds completely normal to be (though I'd agree about getting your c-section checked over, just to be sure). I even had the same arguments with my lovely DH who wanted to give me a break. Life is one long separation from one's mother, and you're only three weeks in. As people have said, it's the baby's survival instinct and it gets easier bit by bit for you to be away from them. A toddler's cry doesn't pierce the heart and stomach in the way a newborn's does, and it's not meant to!