To always want my baby with me.....

[Writerwannabe83]

I have a DS who was 3 weeks old yesterday and is exclusively breastfeed. Up until yesterday, bar one occasion when DH took him for a 10 minute drive, he has always been with me.

Yesterday my DH said he'd take him for a quick walk - fine, no problem - but this then changed to DH deciding he would actually walk to ASDA, do the shopping and then walk back, meaning they'd be gone well over an hour. I told DH I felt a bit uncomfortable with this seeing as DS is breast feeding and it's a long time to be away from me if he starts screaming. DH managed to talk me round though. When they did reappear DS was absolutely screaming and frantic, I found it really hard and it upset me as DH said he'd been like it for over 20 minutes.

DH has now just announced he's got to go into town and will take DS with him 'to give me a break'. Obviously I'm dreading it but I'm being made to feel like a paranoid mother because I want my baby with me. DH has said he won't be long but that doesn't help my anxiety at all. I'm feeding DS now in order to try and avoid any hunger screaming.

The reason my DH has been doing these trips alone is because I'm recovering from a C-Section and can't walk far.

Am I being unreasonable? I know my DH has every right to take him out and it isn't about stopping him spending time with his son, it's just I worry that DS is still too young to be away from me and his food supply.

Maybe I'm just jealous that DH is getting to do all these 'Baby's first trips outside' and I can't join them

DH has been brilliant. The morning after the incident I was so upset that I rang him about 7am, in absolute tears, and he came in straight away. He was so supportive in hospital and whilst at home with regards the feeding - there were many occasions where I nearly gave up with the breast feeding because of the difficulties I was having but he was always there to pick me up and encourage me and support me. I don't know how I would have coped in those first few weeks without him, he was my absolute rock.

You asked for help and your baby got fed. You did the right thing. Remember this.

Please try to stop feeling guilty about this. You have so much more guilt to embrace as the years go by .

No one has the perfect baby experience; that's just the adverts. You clearly love your son and that's perfect enough.

Deep down I know my guilt isn't rational - but at the time I felt like the worst mother in the world. I'm hoping that with time the memory and the associated emotions will fade

My DS just turned one and time is doing its job for me

And that's fantastic, and the way it should be.

Take one day at a time. Get your wound looked at so you feel fighting fit, it will make you feel far more on top of things.

Go for walks with dh and ds, and if dh wants to take him out then have him do that but time it so you are happy ds has a full tummy. Then get on mumsnet, have a shower, get your nails done or whatever you like to do for YOU! You don't stop being you because you have had a baby, even though it feels like it.

Fuck the housework, it will still be there next week!

Having a break doesn't always mean taking the baby away from the house. It means being able to laungish in the bath for 40 minutes, or paint your toenails, or chat on the phone to your mate.

Your OH sounds nice. Just let him know there are other things he can do to help.

To be honest, being in the bath is not relax if you can hear the baby. I remember dh making dinner and trying to bounce baby in the bouncer.....so not relaxing!! I got out in a rage and took over which defeated the purpose.

Oh OP, poor you. It is easy for me to say, but I think that part of your anxiety and guilt re:your husband taking your son for a walk relates to what happened in hospital. I wish that hospitals would let partners stay!
I have a slightly different take on this. I have a toddler son and a 7wk old daughter. She is breastfed, but had a bit of formula on the colostrum stage as I was struggling to satisfy her feeding needs. Felt guilty about that, but she needed to eat/drink, and it was in her best interests.
Whilst my partner is very pro-breastfeeding, she does not have such an issue with giving formula as I do. Because I do not feel I can make all the parenting decisions, this has meant that she has given her a couple of bottles. For example, I had a solo trip to the supermarket when mentally I needed a break. Again, guilt set in and I got back out of the car before leaving to go and get my daughter, but recognised that my partner wanted some alone time with her too. I think it might be about compromise. I figure that my daughter will have formula at some point, and has already been 'tainted' but I really don't like it. I am not exactly pro-formula.
And as for guilt, as others have said, take out shares in guilt trips - you will have LOADS over the coming months and years. My current guilt trip relates to 'neglecting' my son to feed my daughter a zillion times a day.
And nicky, I was another one beginning to question my parenting instincts too but then I was about to give away my screaming baby free to a good home when out today so maybe I had good reason
Congratulations on becoming a parent OP. It is fab but blooming hard too!!

Writer,

I know it's not quite the same thing and times have changed but years ago when I had my first child it was normal to stay in hospital after for about 10-14 days, during that time they would take the baby away at about 8pm and they liked to bring baby back at 6am.

If you begged and only if you begged they would bring the baby to you to feed in the night but it was always done with scathing and pity filled looks. (Of course this is the time when breast feeding was very much discouraged the mums who did got given a bowl to use at night time for hand expressing!)

So don't feel bad about the hospital situation after all every single mother who had children at the same time as my eldest in that particular hospital handed their baby over.if any of the staff had of thought less of you as a mother or had concerns about it you can bet you would have known.

I've been reading this thread all day with mixed feelings.

You do seem a little OTT in your reactions, but equally I know from my own experience how fraught this stage can be and how emotive issues around feeding are.

What prompted me to post was your comment about having preconceived expectations of what new motherhood would be like.

I had a similar experience to you wrt CS and feeding issues & it had a very negative impact on my mindset which I did a sterling job of hiding until my 3 month check when I was diagnosed with severe PND.

I cannot recommend the book Life After Birth by Kate Figes highly enough. It gives a very realistic breakdown of new motherhood which I found very reassuring that everything that I was feeling was 'normal'.

It sounds like you're beginning to get the message across to your DH.

Do look after yourself - get your wound checked out and don't be afraid to talk to your HV or GP about your feelings if need be.

Best of luck & congratulations on your little boy .

Fwiw.

I don't think any of my babies after that were ever away from me (meaning with me not under the same roof i had sleeps and baths and stuff whilst dad did baby stuff) for any time at all ever until they hit about 6/7 weeks I don't know why but that always seamed to be the age when I could safely say that straight after a feed they wouldn't scream the house down for at least an hour and a half.

Hi Writer, I don't think I've 'seen' you to say congrats on your baby yet .

So here's what I think.

First six weeks all bets are off. The baby has to be with you, or near you. That's non- negotiable if you are ebf. DH can do loads in terms of holding the baby, housework, giving you a break that way, but essentially the first 6 weeks are all about feeding. As needs says, after that you will turn a bit of a corner and baby can easily go out for a walk or whatever without you because his feeding will be just that wee bit more predictable.

That said, yes, you need your wound checked. By 3 weeks I was running about as normal really, although I found sitting in the car pulled. But I wouldn't expect you to still have constant pain by now.

I also recommend a book 'What mothers do (even when it feels like nothing) which I think you and DH will find helpful.

And you have to let the hospital thing go. It is a living nightmare trying to establish bf after a CS. My DS had to have formula on the first night because his temp dropped - and they'd actually taken him off me to the nursery at this point bc the birth had been so awful and I needed rest. I didn't even question it btw. Just went 'yeah, take him' and fell asleep.

He isn't though?? One hour max!

OP, be kind to yourself. I think I know where you're coming from here. I too didn't have a nice birth and I felt such inward pressure to "make up" for it by being the best mother I could be. Sometimes, this even meant pushing away DH as I wanted to do it all myself.

Even though DH is not you, the mother, it doesn't mean that he doesn't have instincts of his own regarding his own child too.

Bollocks - iphone auto-correct. Its, not it's.

YANBU. No one, even your DH, should take your baby away from you unless you are comfortable with it, and most especially if you are breastfeeding.

Put your foot down and say no. Explain that it isn't a break as it makes you too stressed, that this is 100% natural, and that he needs to adapt to this, not make both you and your baby suffer by being apart.

I had dd3 just over two weeks ago. She is baby number five, so I am not an over anxious new mother. I cannot be parted from her and certainly would not want her out of the house without me. DH takes her while I have a bath, exercise or eat but other than that she is almost always in physical contact with me.

I have never had a C section so can't comment with any knowledge about your recovery.

I've read this one with interest.

It's surprising to see the level of sexism present in some responses. We're not talking leaving the child with a stranger, it's the other equal parent.

As I sit on a chair in our bedroom with our 5 week old sleeping on me while my wife gets 4-6 hours unbroken sleep in the spare room (I had one bottle of EBM to give her), I'm thinking YABU to yourself.

Your husband would probably love to have the chance to look after your child by himself and getting a small amount of good sleep will probably make things much better for you too.

Thanks everyone for your support over what happened following his birth - I know it's something so minor and insignificant but at the time it was everything. I know my anger at myself is definitely reduced but as has been said, I do think it plays it's part in my separation anxiety.

People are right - it isn't a break when DS isn't in the house with me because I just spend the time worrying about him. The breaks I normally get are when I sleep in the day whilst DS sleeps or when DH had DS downstairs with him. When my mom came to stay it was brilliant, I literally stayed in my bedroom all day whilst she had DS - she would bring him to me when he cried and took him back after he'd fed.

It's just when he screams I have this need to have him with me. We had visitors earlier today and when one of them was holding DS he kept crying and crying obviously in distress. I sat there , trying to hide my feelings, all the time thinking, "Please give me back my baby." In the end I just asked her to give him to me.

I know the visitor wasn't doing any harm but it just don't see how it's right to allow a newborn to scream, it can't be good for them.

YADNBU, it's so cute you love your DS , adorable!, mummy and her baby!!. Your DH means well I'm sure. You'll be-able to join them on their walks once you're healed up and try not to worry too much......you're with him nearly all the time by the sounds of it!!

Yanbu. I was exactly the same. It's due to nature and hormones. I wouldn't take a3 wk old baby to the supermarket anyway, if not necessary. Tell your dp that you are feeling sensitive and to respect what you ask. Ime, half an hour away for a walk in fresh air is fine but an hour can be too long and your baby screaming for 20 min is unacceptable for a 3 wk old imo.
Oh, and congratulations on your baby! The first few weeks are great but can be tough, especially after a section. Soon enough things will become easier. Well done for bf!!! Xx

No, you are definitely not being unreasonable to want your baby close at this age. It's normal, and I believe healthy for mum and baby to be resting close together at this stage. I was the same. This stages passes so quickly. Just gently say no to your partner taking him out for now, and ask people to pass him back to you as soon as you feel the need.

My DP had raised four kids in his first relationship, I trusted him, but still would not have wanted him to take DD out that early. He understood.

For what it's worth, she's now four months and I'm happy to leave her with him for four hours while I work, but the timing has been led by me.

IT IS NOT SEXISM! Handsoff- that's a lovely thing you are doing for your wife but you are in the next room. You are not going for a walk where it could take you 30mins to get the baby back to mother. There is a HUGE difference. And your wife is obviously happy with this arrangement. It's instinct not logical thought.

Your feelings are totally normal. However, your husband may feel like he isn't getting a chance to do his share with baby.
Try giving him time to bond alone while you have a bath etc . Let him share the baby but there isn't any need to drag a new born out to Asda or anywhere else really . Enjoy this time as it goes by so quickly .