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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To always want my baby with me.....

201 replies

Writerwannabe83 · 12/04/2014 10:27

I have a DS who was 3 weeks old yesterday and is exclusively breastfeed. Up until yesterday, bar one occasion when DH took him for a 10 minute drive, he has always been with me.

Yesterday my DH said he'd take him for a quick walk - fine, no problem - but this then changed to DH deciding he would actually walk to ASDA, do the shopping and then walk back, meaning they'd be gone well over an hour. I told DH I felt a bit uncomfortable with this seeing as DS is breast feeding and it's a long time to be away from me if he starts screaming. DH managed to talk me round though. When they did reappear DS was absolutely screaming and frantic, I found it really hard and it upset me as DH said he'd been like it for over 20 minutes.

DH has now just announced he's got to go into town and will take DS with him 'to give me a break'. Obviously I'm dreading it but I'm being made to feel like a paranoid mother because I want my baby with me. DH has said he won't be long but that doesn't help my anxiety at all. I'm feeding DS now in order to try and avoid any hunger screaming.

The reason my DH has been doing these trips alone is because I'm recovering from a C-Section and can't walk far.

Am I being unreasonable? I know my DH has every right to take him out and it isn't about stopping him spending time with his son, it's just I worry that DS is still too young to be away from me and his food supply.

Maybe I'm just jealous that DH is getting to do all these 'Baby's first trips outside' and I can't join them Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 12/04/2014 20:46

We spoke about it again this evening and I tried to put it into some perspective by asking him to really think about how genuinely upset and tearful I'd been at the prospect of 30 minutes away from DS, whereas he can go to work, be out the house and away from DS for 12 hours without a thought. I said that's how strong a mother's instinct is and how intense the need is to be with her newborn. DH has been very understanding - he understands that due to the woman having carried the baby there will always be a certain bond between mother and baby after birth that the dad doesn't have.

Due to my CS restricting me, DH does most of the hands on care, he does the nappies, the baths and dresses DH and winding. They also spend quality time watching football matches together....or so DH says [ smile] DH has his bond with the DS in that sense but he knows that when DS is upset it's me that's the one that provides the comfort and security DS needs - be that a feed or just a cuddle with his mom Smile

OP posts:
Nicknacky · 12/04/2014 21:05

Writer, what has the doctor or midwife said about your wound? Whilst we all recover differently, you really shouldn't me so restricted to the extent you are struggling to change nappies or dress your baby.

Goldmandra · 12/04/2014 21:08

Good point about your wound. My pain got worse after a couple of weeks and it turned out I had an infection in the internal wound. Some decent antibiotics from the hospital sorted it out.

C0smos · 12/04/2014 21:10

My DD didn't go anywhere without me until she was about 5 months old and even then I was panicky. I left her at home a few times before that to go for a run, to the gym and meetings at school, but not before she was 2-3 months.
What you are feeling is completely normal
And congratulations

GoodnessIsThatTheTime · 12/04/2014 21:12

I had two traumatic births but I was changing nappies by 3 weeks... are you ok?

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 12/04/2014 21:14

It's more like I get sore from bending over for prolonged periods of time. I can do nappy/clothes changes but whilst DH is here he likes to do it himself just to provide another way in which I can prevent aggravating my abdominal area.

My Midwife was the last one to see my wound about 10 days ago and said the area was swollen, most likely due to me not resting enough. I just don't like the dragging/pulling sensation that is always there.

OP posts:
Nicknacky · 12/04/2014 21:18

Hmm I would maybe look at getting it checked again. Like I said, everyone recovers differently but I had very little physical rest and I would say I was well recovered by your stage. Most mums struggle to physically rest due to other children etc, so maybe there is something needing looked at?

Or maybe I was just really lucky?

keepcalm111 · 12/04/2014 21:23

Mothers of three week old babies don't need them to be taken out of the house to have a break. They need someone to hold the baby while they have a shower, a meal or a nap and they need other people to take on shopping, housework and care of older children.

It isn't all about the mother! The baby has 2 parents!

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 12/04/2014 21:23

Will my GP know enough about c-section wounds or should I ring the labour ward for advice and maybe one of their doctors might review me?

I don't have any acute pains and I feel well in myself, but it's just very sore and achey all the time.

OP posts:
Nicknacky · 12/04/2014 21:26

I would probably go to your Gp as the first port of call. By now it should have really healed. I'm in no way bragging but I went to the gym on the cross trainer at 4 weeks pp (I know, I know!!) In comparison one of my friends is struggling with an infection 8 weeks after.

I would really get it looked at, it shouldn't be impacting so much.

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 12/04/2014 21:27

I'll make an appointment on Monday Smile

OP posts:
TheRealJoanWarburton · 12/04/2014 21:30

Keep the baby with you. The baby needs breastfeeding every 20 minutes.

BornFreeButinChains · 12/04/2014 21:32

I think your baby should be with you and should not be taken out for more than 10 mins as you are BF.

Your dh can bond at home, your baby is tiny tiny and needs you.

There is a whole entire lifetime for your dh to take baby out for longer....but just not right now this minuiet.

BornFreeButinChains · 12/04/2014 21:34

labour ward....

try them first....the docs don't seem to usually know much about wounds and so on.

are you resting>? I had dragging for a while but I did rest and did nothing for a good three weeks...you should not be bending over for long periods of time...

Goldmandra · 12/04/2014 21:35

My GP referred my back to the maternity ward who prescribe the antibiotics by phone.

The reason I raised a concern was being able to do much less than I'd been able to do after my first, much more traumatic, CS.

RhondaJean · 12/04/2014 21:38

The baby needs bfing very 20 minutes? Are you for real?

Op, I'm a bit concerned all these people are telling you it's okay. It's. Eh early days and your hormones are all over the place still, however it's not common or rational to get so completely wound up and anxious about the baby's father taking them for a really short period, unless there are concerns about the father of course. It's a different thing from a mil or anyone else, it's the other parent, and your partner, and my worry to be quite blunt is that not only do you have an infection somewhere but that you need to keep an eye on yourself for other signs of snxiety.

Before I get jumped on, I ebf two babies and I totally understand needing them near not wanting separated etc but this seems more than that to me. Your husband should be able to settle the baby when he's upset, not if he is hungry but anything else he needs he can do. Please please look after yourself and that includes taking a bit of time for you so you have more to give to your baby the 95 per cent of the time you will be with him.

BornFreeButinChains · 12/04/2014 21:38

twisting to put him in his Moses Basket

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE GET YOURSELF A CO SLEEPER COT.

you should not be twisting to get in and out of moses basket [cross].

moses down stairs, co sleeper up stairs. worth every single penny! in valuable, get one NOW.

BornFreeButinChains · 12/04/2014 21:39

rhinda

thats how she feels right now, of course its fine.

Nicknacky · 12/04/2014 21:42

Why does she need a co-sleeper cot? Many people manage with a Moses basket after a section? I had two. Why spend money on another bed when she could be totally fine next week?

Nicknacky · 12/04/2014 21:44

I do agree with Rhonda. I think some of the responses about dad going out for a walk with his child are bordering on hysterical. Maybe he wanted to be with his new baby for 20 mins?

Some of the suggestions that he should get on with the housework instead are ridiculous.

Annunziata · 12/04/2014 22:08

I agree very much with Rhonda.

Do you really think that your DH goes away from your DS for 12 hours and doesn't think of him? I bet you he does, he wonders what he is doing and if he is crying and sleeping.

It is fine to be the one to settle your baby, but you can't do it all the time and your DH and your DS will both need to learn to be without you. It's better for them and for you, because you need to heal from giving birth!

My DD3 came home to me when she was 4 weeks old. I am not her biological mother, but I could still settle her and calm her down.

Get well soon Flowers

PersonOfInterest · 12/04/2014 22:15

YANBU. Its really early days for you (post op) and your new baby.

It isn't all about the mother! The baby has 2 parents

Yes but only one is still recovering from surgery and only one of them is feeding the baby. So at the moment, the needs of the baby and the OP are the most important.

IsChippyMintonExDirectory · 12/04/2014 22:18

3 weeks? YANBU at all.
Unless you feel you need a break (I did when Dd was 3 weeks old but everyone is different) he should always be with you. Plus growth spurts happen so often at that stage he could go hungry when he's out. Your DH will have plenty of father/son opportunities, it's nice that he's considerate though I have to say

antiabz · 12/04/2014 22:21

Yabu op but I do understand, I was exactly the same for a while.

Luckily though I realised how unreasonable I was being before I'd undermined my dp's confidence or relationship with our dd.

It's his baby too, and he loves her just as much as you do.

BalloonSlayer · 12/04/2014 22:22

I think YANBU to feel like this because it's nature making you want to be with your DS.

I also think your DH sounds absolutely lovely.

Agree you should get your scar checked for an infection. By 3 weeks you should be able to go to for walks as a family. You may need reassurance as to what you are able to do. The advice about your abdomen being " swollen, most likely due to me not resting enough" seems odd given the information you have provided - you are confining yourself to the house, unless you are decorating I am not sure how you can not be resting enough.

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