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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset about being uninvited for being pregnant!

577 replies

WeddingNightmare123 · 03/04/2014 11:49

Ok I've name changed and it's a wedding one folks.

Late last year a very good, lifelong friend of my DH's announces that he has booked his wedding this summer in a Mediterranean holiday destination. We booked straight away, flights, hotel and MIL booked a week off work to look after our DC's. All good and looking forward to it.

I recently found out that I'm unexpectedly pregnant, not planned, bit of a shock but happy about it. At the weekend DH went out for a few drinks with his friend and happened to tell him that I'm 9 weeks pregnant. All appeared well and his friend congratulated him and seemed pleased, he was joking about DH having to put up with all the sleepless nights again.

On Monday night DH got a phone call from his friend basically saying that he didn't want to fall out with him but they (friend and his wife-to-be) think that it's best that I don't attend the wedding. He went on to explain that her sister had a failed 2nd attempt at IVF in February and they think my being there will be far too upsetting for her sister and bil and will spoil the day. DH said he understood but had paid out money we could ill afford and probably wouldn't get it back. His friend said that we should still come and I could spend the day sightseeing whilst DH goes to the wedding! We are all staying in the same hotel so she'll see me anyway!

We have booked this at the expense of a family holiday this year. I don't want to be hanging around on my own sodding sightseeing at bloody 29 weeks pregnant, I would far rather be on holiday with kids or getting the the pram and car seat that we need for this baby. I'm really bloody angry about it, DH thinks I'm being a bitch and should be more understanding. I really can't see his point at all and we aren't speaking.

So please, if you have got this far give me some perspective. AIBU and should I just suck it up?

OP posts:
MrsWombat · 03/04/2014 18:08

And still take advantage of MIL's childcare offer for some babysitting. Grin

Claryrocks · 03/04/2014 18:13

I can't believe people would think this was acceptable. They should be ashamed of themselves. Like you I wouldn't want anything to do with them again. I hope you're not going to get them a wedding gift!!

kungfupannda · 03/04/2014 18:21

I wonder if the sister is just a cover story? Maybe the bride is intending to announce her own pregnancy at the wedding and doesn't want 'competition'?

It seems a bit bizarre, otherwise, as there's plenty of time for other guests to become visibly pregnant before the wedding, and they're going to be pretty unpopular if they start disinviting people with a few weeks to go.

Original poster
WeddingNightmare123 · 03/04/2014 18:43

Claryrocks Am I hell, this is where their wedding present money is being reallocated to Grin!

So DH is home with flowers and chocs and we have had a clear the air chat. He has apologised profusely and whilst I'm still hurt, I am inclined to forgive him. He said he felt hurt and blindsided by his friend and because the words IVF and infertility were mentioned he felt he couldn't really challenge him. When I got so angry it made him feel worse and he lashed out at me. He accepts now that it's really shitty what they have done to us and he accepts that it wasn't really a viable option that I could go but stay out of the way. He is going to ring him later once we have the DC's sorted.

He said he's going to spell out to his friend how he thinks their selfishness has impacted on our finances through no fault of our own. It also helps that MIL is also spitting blood and she has known DH's friend since he was born.

OP posts:
Andro · 03/04/2014 18:43

I'm glad your DH has seen sense but whoever the driving force behind the decision to disinvite you was, they need to find a grip and take a firm hold.

givemeaclue · 03/04/2014 18:54

I wonder if the sister even knows about this, she could well be mortified that all this has been done in her name.

Enjoy your hols op! At least you are saving money on a wedding present,

BasketzatDawn · 03/04/2014 18:57

It sounds to me like the bride is being (over) protective of her sister. It isn't the sister with fertility problems who is driving this. It's a ridiculous situation being created by a bride who wants no 'upset' on her big day/week. In itself quite a ridiculous expectation, no?

What will happen when DH of Op is at wedding alone, chatting in friendly fashion to bride's sis or BIL ,and one of them asks: Where is your wife? Isn't your wife with you? Answer: She stayed at home as she's 29 weeks pregnant. It's utterly ridiculous to think either of them hasn't been in this situation already if they've had 2 attempts at IVF. OTOH if pregnant OP and IVF woman feels sensitive she just won't strike up conversation. It's a shame OP's H isn't being more kind to her.

thebody · 03/04/2014 19:02

good he's apologised.

I am really interested to hear what the groom has to say later when your dh challenges him.

you will post op won't you?

CloverHeart · 03/04/2014 19:03

Well i hope that your DH gives his "mate a good talking to. How completely out of order of them hmm]

thebody · 03/04/2014 19:06

oh and don't forget to remind them that it's fairly possible that there will be other women getting oregnant before their wedding and are they going to ask for proof of non pregnancy before boarding the plane.

fucking idiots.

Original poster
WeddingNightmare123 · 03/04/2014 19:06

I will try and update later but I'm feeling knackered and have a throat infection on top of everything else. My head is throbbing!

OP posts:
BakerStreetSaxRift · 03/04/2014 19:07

Well done your DH. I can imagine that was a tricky situation to be put in, glad he worked it out eventually.

InAGrump · 03/04/2014 19:09

Go and get some rest

but update us in the morning

Grin
Twighlightsparkle · 03/04/2014 19:09

What a shame the whole situation has happened ( I mean the friend being so unreasonable) , glad you and DH have sorted it out.

People get too precious about weddings!

AntoinetteCosway · 03/04/2014 19:13

I hope your 'friends' apologise profusely but I bet they won't Sad

BasketzatDawn · 03/04/2014 19:17

Glad your DH has seen sense. Hope his conversation with his friend goes okay. And I hope no0 other guests at the wedding have a bump they just didn't mention to the wedding party!!

TwittyMcTwitterson · 03/04/2014 19:17

Hope you feel better after a rest. Shocked by all of this. I do hope they apologise Shock

Original poster
WeddingNightmare123 · 03/04/2014 19:24

Just to address that question about other pregnant ladies. Highly likely IMO! We were the first among his friends to marry and settle down by a good few years. Over the past 2 years there have been 6 weddings and only one baby, nobody else has announced a pregnancy but highly likely I think. As far as DH is aware 3 of those 6 couples are going! I'm not sure where all her friends are at in regards to this so there could be more "possibles".

OP posts:
miramar · 03/04/2014 19:46

It's good to hear you've sorted it out and will present the couple with a fait a complit.

I wonder how many people reading this are hoping that other guests are pregnant?

Dozer · 03/04/2014 19:49

Madness. Glad your H has seen his mistake and apologised!

NoodleOodle · 03/04/2014 19:56

If you wanted to be a 'bitch' you could find the bride's sister on Facebook (or similar) and ask if she's done any research into the place you're going, and where she would have hidden from sight if her IVF had been successful, so as not to upset anybody around who could possibly be upset at that time due to failed IVF. Just, you've been asked to do so on account of her, so imagine she would have looked in to it had the tables been reversed."

That would be sticking a big ole wooden spoon in and being a 'bitch'.

Wanting to not be uninvited to a wedding because you are pregnant, is not unreasonable, or bitchy at all.

NoodleOodle · 03/04/2014 19:58

I obviously didn't read the whole thread, and do not recommend the 'bitch' route, just came to me as it was as crazy as the situation you'd initially found yourself in.

SauvignonBlanche · 03/04/2014 20:02

Glad things are ok with your DH, what a shitty situation. Shock

PicaK · 03/04/2014 20:28

The thing is that the B&G's reaction is so extreme (and ridiculous) that it feels like a knee jerk reaction that in a week or so they will realise how inappropriate they have been.

IVF failing is horrible, truly drags you down, could be miscarriage. And if the sister has been part of that and suddenly seen the full despair and self hatred it can cause - then you're looking at someone powerless to help but desperately trying to do something to protect her.

I'm not saying she's not misguided but it may be worth letting them calm down than going in all guns blazing.

I do hope you enjoy your holiday though.

WaterLoadaCack · 03/04/2014 20:42

Im really looking forward to hear the outcome of DH's phone call.

So glad he realised and appologised. I think that would have hurt me as much as the peoples stupid ideas.