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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset about being uninvited for being pregnant!

577 replies

WeddingNightmare123 · 03/04/2014 11:49

Ok I've name changed and it's a wedding one folks.

Late last year a very good, lifelong friend of my DH's announces that he has booked his wedding this summer in a Mediterranean holiday destination. We booked straight away, flights, hotel and MIL booked a week off work to look after our DC's. All good and looking forward to it.

I recently found out that I'm unexpectedly pregnant, not planned, bit of a shock but happy about it. At the weekend DH went out for a few drinks with his friend and happened to tell him that I'm 9 weeks pregnant. All appeared well and his friend congratulated him and seemed pleased, he was joking about DH having to put up with all the sleepless nights again.

On Monday night DH got a phone call from his friend basically saying that he didn't want to fall out with him but they (friend and his wife-to-be) think that it's best that I don't attend the wedding. He went on to explain that her sister had a failed 2nd attempt at IVF in February and they think my being there will be far too upsetting for her sister and bil and will spoil the day. DH said he understood but had paid out money we could ill afford and probably wouldn't get it back. His friend said that we should still come and I could spend the day sightseeing whilst DH goes to the wedding! We are all staying in the same hotel so she'll see me anyway!

We have booked this at the expense of a family holiday this year. I don't want to be hanging around on my own sodding sightseeing at bloody 29 weeks pregnant, I would far rather be on holiday with kids or getting the the pram and car seat that we need for this baby. I'm really bloody angry about it, DH thinks I'm being a bitch and should be more understanding. I really can't see his point at all and we aren't speaking.

So please, if you have got this far give me some perspective. AIBU and should I just suck it up?

OP posts:
RiverTam · 03/04/2014 13:57

I know I will sound ridiculous, but if I had been that sister I would have felt sucker-punched by this - I had multiple MCs over a number of years and to meet someone who not only was expecting their 3rd child, but that they had conceived by mistake, would have very probably have ruined my day. Unfair, unreasonable, but true. So I can totally see where the b&g are coming from.

Of course, I can see where you are coming from too, and the thing that would annoy me the most is it is this kind of thing that makes weddings abroad so ludicrous - the whole thing could have been resolved much more easily if it had been local. I can still see you would have been hurt (but sorry, the hurt you might feel is probably nothing to how her sister is feeling) but at least you wouldn't have been out of pocket.

Don't cut them out. My sister also struggled with fertility and I would have done anything to protect her, and her me. I can see why you are angry - but you have your DC. The sister may never have the family she clearly wants, and is going through a lot of horrible procedures to try and get there - so have some sympathy for her.

Original poster
WeddingNightmare123 · 03/04/2014 13:59

ghoul going early August, not due till November.

OP posts:
HeadfirstForTHiddy · 03/04/2014 14:01

If you're dc weren't going to the wedding, would whoever was looking after them still be able to for the earlier date?

It could be nice to have some couple time before the whirwind of a new baby :)

I think you sound quite calm about it all, I would be furious.

Lesleythegiraffe · 03/04/2014 14:01

YANBU

Does this woman not go out in public in case she sees a pregnant woman which might upset her?

There are many situations in life which may upset people by bringing back unhappy memories.

ILoveWooly · 03/04/2014 14:02

RiverTam, I genuinely feel for the sister but it is hardly the OP's fault. Also whether the baby was planned or not is no ones business.

DH and I spent years trying for a baby and yes it was hard when others seemed to get pregnant with ease but it didn't make me any less happy for them.

NancyJones · 03/04/2014 14:02

RiverTam, I'm sorry you had fertility issues but the fact is they were your issues. You would have to accept that if you couldn't cope with pregnant women then you should be the one not to attend.
If you had recently lost your husband would you have expected only single people to be invited?
Again, I am sorry you had problems.

Nosleeptillbedtime · 03/04/2014 14:03

Rivertam, I have a lot of sympathy with the sister too but if b& g wanted to protect her from seeing a pg woman at the wedding they needed to have a small wedding with family only, (and only invite relatives who had completed their families)

surromummy · 03/04/2014 14:04

Its all very well being sympathetic, but if that's the B&G's request then they should pay for the flights+hotel that OP has already paid for.

as others have said, no matter if they uninvite anyone who dares to be pregnant between now and august, they will be other pregnant people in the hotel/at the same resort, what will they do about that!?

Original poster
WeddingNightmare123 · 03/04/2014 14:05

RiverTam I do feel an awful lot of sympathy for her sister. I have had nine mc's over the years and actually gave up trying for DC3, as mentally I couldn't deal with anymore. I would never have treat anyone like this though.

OP posts:
thebody · 03/04/2014 14:05

I think your dh is bring the most unreasonable here to be honest.

maybe I have missed something but to go to a wedding when his pregnant wife has been treated with such contempt and rudeness by the couple astounds me.

lavenderhoney · 03/04/2014 14:06

What if other people going are pregnant? Will they also be turned away on the day? What about the rest of the week? Sounds bonkers to me.

Even if it was a child free hotel, people who are pregnant still stay at them!

morethanpotatoprints · 03/04/2014 14:06

FWIW my dh would say that lifelong friends don't do this, so not really life long anymore.
I don't think he would go out of loyalty to me, but we would still use the holiday rather than lose money, or better still invoice them for the costs.
These people aren't friends at all.

RiverTam · 03/04/2014 14:07

oh absolutely, Nancy - like I said I wouldn't have been being fair or reasonable, but that is how I would have felt. Bizarrely, when close friends were PG I could be happy for them, but when it was someone who I didn't have much of a personal connection with - that's when it hurt the most - which would be the case here. My feelings were probably very childish a lot of the time, I felt very footstampy and like shouting 'it's not fair!' half the time. I know my sister felt the same.

Nosleep - the sister only recently had her 2nd failed attempt, so the B&G wouldn't have known this when they booked their wedding.

allhailqueenmab · 03/04/2014 14:08

Obviously your H is being vvvv unreasonable.

However. I feel sorry for the sister - hear me out! - IF you follow this insane plan. Because if she goes to this wedding, sees you at the hotel, realises you are not actually at the wedding, and then wonders why and THEN has a horrible feeling that you have been disinvited BECAUSE OF HER, she will have a horrible flush of shame and embarrassment. It is such a nasty thing to do to her, as well as you. Not only does she have to deal with her private grief at not being pregnant, but now she has the sickening appalling embarrassing knowledge that you know all about it and have been rudely inconvenienced. Then she will wonder how many other people know all about it. Then she will wonder whether you are really annoyed with her and perhaps think this was all her idea. Then she will agonise about whether to try to talk to you about it, or not. All this is a completely unacceptable burden to put on the poor woman.

I do not believe in a million years that the sister knows about this plan. And if there is some way to make her aware of it and ask her what she thinks about it, I think it will all go away. Basically some sane person she is close to needs to email her gently and say "you should know that one of the guests will be visibly pregnant, I am telling you this as a friend to make sure you know in advance." then leave a decent interval for her to process this. Then call her on the phone, raise the issue that the pregnant guest could potentially be uninvited due to her, then absorb her shock and embarrassment at this insanity, and then offer to sort it - "I can call them for you, if you like, and say I have spoken to you and this is insane?" All done.

This has nothing to do with your H being an arse.

ChristmasBaby14 · 03/04/2014 14:10

I feel for the sister, but still think you should go on the holiday. Consider it a break for you and DH before the baby arrives. It is wonderful that you were able to arrange childcare- take advantage of it and enjoy some time, just the two of you. It is paid for and you cannot afford to lose the money. Make a game of avoiding the wedding party in the hotel. Take a day trip together on the day of the wedding. Your DH can meet the groom for a drink one night, but other than that, make it a challenge to avoid them as much as possible. It's awkward, but it is your "friends" fault, selfishly arranging a wedding that costs their guests money and causes hurt feelings.

ChristmasBaby14 · 03/04/2014 14:12

But now I also agree with "allhail"!

RiverTam · 03/04/2014 14:12

Wedding - I am sorry for your losses. I think you are a better person than me - if all of this had been happening for me right in the middle of all those raw feelings, I don't know what I would have done, but my instinct to protect my sister would have been very strong.

Val007 · 03/04/2014 14:13

OMG, this is outrageous! Feeling for you, OP! Thanks

sparechange · 03/04/2014 14:15

This is so tough. I don't think you are unreasonable, but the B&G may well be in an impossible situation.
Does the sister know there may be a pregnant woman there?

I don't need to point out how tough it can be for women with fertility problems to be around pregnant women.

She may have said that she can't come if you will be there, and they've decided they would rather she was there, as close family, than have you there.

Bathsheba · 03/04/2014 14:16

We had fertility problems before having DD1 and tbh there was 1 person in particular I found it very very difficult to be around - not simply because she was pregnant, but she was pregnant and a moany cow...

Nothing was "wrong" per se - no hyperemesis or spd worse than the norm - she just moaned and moaned and moaned throughout the entire pregnancy and that broke my heart as much as the people smoking outsize the door at the maternity hospital that you had to go through to get to the fertility clinic. Other pregnant people just made me whistful and a bit melancholy really...

Not saying in any way that you'll be a moaner, but maybe the Bride's sister has had real problems before with someone similar - who knows. Our fertility clinic had a counselling service so maybe she should be put in touch with them.

Not in any way saying the Bride and groom were correct and I'm glad that hopefully you have salvaged something out of this all

Nosleeptillbedtime · 03/04/2014 14:21

River tam they wouldn't have known it would be successful either!

Onsera3 · 03/04/2014 14:22

YANBU!

I had fertility issues and IVF. It was very hard to find out about others' happy accidents. But it was the kind of thing you just had to put on a smile for and then have a cry over later with DH behind closed doors.

They are all BVU.

YouAreMyFavouriteWasteOfTime · 03/04/2014 14:22

I very much doubt the bride will delay ttc until after her sister has children.

so its just bullshit bridezilla behaviour dressed up as sibling concern.

PerhapsNot · 03/04/2014 14:24

Wow, I'd be stunned if this had happened to me. It's absolutely crazy and weird Confused

Original poster
WeddingNightmare123 · 03/04/2014 14:27

PerhapsNot I did wonder whether it was an April fools a day early! I still wonder if it is all a bad joke.

OP posts:
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