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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset about being uninvited for being pregnant!

577 replies

WeddingNightmare123 · 03/04/2014 11:49

Ok I've name changed and it's a wedding one folks.

Late last year a very good, lifelong friend of my DH's announces that he has booked his wedding this summer in a Mediterranean holiday destination. We booked straight away, flights, hotel and MIL booked a week off work to look after our DC's. All good and looking forward to it.

I recently found out that I'm unexpectedly pregnant, not planned, bit of a shock but happy about it. At the weekend DH went out for a few drinks with his friend and happened to tell him that I'm 9 weeks pregnant. All appeared well and his friend congratulated him and seemed pleased, he was joking about DH having to put up with all the sleepless nights again.

On Monday night DH got a phone call from his friend basically saying that he didn't want to fall out with him but they (friend and his wife-to-be) think that it's best that I don't attend the wedding. He went on to explain that her sister had a failed 2nd attempt at IVF in February and they think my being there will be far too upsetting for her sister and bil and will spoil the day. DH said he understood but had paid out money we could ill afford and probably wouldn't get it back. His friend said that we should still come and I could spend the day sightseeing whilst DH goes to the wedding! We are all staying in the same hotel so she'll see me anyway!

We have booked this at the expense of a family holiday this year. I don't want to be hanging around on my own sodding sightseeing at bloody 29 weeks pregnant, I would far rather be on holiday with kids or getting the the pram and car seat that we need for this baby. I'm really bloody angry about it, DH thinks I'm being a bitch and should be more understanding. I really can't see his point at all and we aren't speaking.

So please, if you have got this far give me some perspective. AIBU and should I just suck it up?

OP posts:
MrsKoala · 04/04/2014 16:50

Agree Wedding. i have some Narcs in my family and when i try to analyse why they behave the way they do it makes my brain hurt. To come to the conclusion that that is the best course of action, in any situation, boggles the mind.

HelloBoys · 04/04/2014 17:30

Notnew by sorting out I meant hopefully maybe the friend etc could apologise. I mean maybe there's no coming back from this but if they apologised and the friend is OPs DHs childhood friend you'd think maybe at least they could be friends.

I don't think OP quite rightly so wants contact.

thebody · 04/04/2014 17:56

there would be no way back from this got me or my dh!

this isn't a remark made in the heat if the moment this is a thought out ridiculous rude and hurtful plan of action.

I most certainly would email/text/Facebook any if the guests I know and simply tell them

'that unfortunately we can't be there as we were uninvited for being pregnant we are are extremely hurt and upset but that's the situation.

that's all you need to say. .

I would have to say something because you may depend they will he spreading bullshit about why you arnt going!

no need to mention the sister.

Alisvolatpropiis · 04/04/2014 18:14

I think I know who this other couple are. Possibly.

PeanutPatty · 04/04/2014 18:33

I agree withthebody. If anyone asks tell them. Don't do them any favours at all by protecting them. I think in time they will realise how badly they have handled the situation.

LoveVintage · 04/04/2014 18:35

I have been lurking on this thread with a Shock face, but wanted to post after reading Arse's post above which I think reflects how I think most of us would hope we would react in a similar type situation.

Brabra · 04/04/2014 18:37

Can you give any further insight into this couple's behaviour then Alis?

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 04/04/2014 18:41

I'm not sure I entirely agree with thebody. I think it's right to tell a dignified truth, but I wouldn't actively contact other guests/friends to tell them what had happened. I certainly think you can if the wedding comes up in conversation or if you're directly asked about it.

miramar · 04/04/2014 18:51

If this happened to friends of mine I'd want to know, and I'd be rethinking my acceptance of the invitation too. If the B&G were close enough friends that I would pay thousands to attend their wedding abroad, I'd have no problem telling them what I thought of them uninviting the OP.

GreatSoprendo · 04/04/2014 18:55

Good grief! What a ridiculous situation!
I've been there with unsuccessful (and eventually successful Smile) IVF and it is hard to be around pregnant women. That said, you have to accept that it's life and you can't avoid them. At a wedding you can always avoid spending time with a person or persons if you want to - she will be with her family and presumably pretty central to their celebrations, so could presumably avoid you pretty much altogether if she felt the need.
IVF takes a certain amount of resilience to get through the process - it's really mentally and emotionally challenging - if she can't handle one wedding guest who she barely knows being pregnant and at the same event as her, she is going to find her IVF journey very very difficult IMO.
Hope you and your DC have a lovely holiday without them!

FriendofDorothy · 04/04/2014 19:03

Blimey I wasn't expecting that reaction fro the b&g!

WhatsTheWordHummingbird · 04/04/2014 19:19

Do you think they are using the SILs infertility as a smokescreen?

TessOfTheBaublevilles · 04/04/2014 19:22

OP - I wish I could say I'm surprised, but I'm not, as a "friend" of mine uninvited me from her wedding when I announced my pregnancy with DD1.

This friend had had a miscarriage six months earlier, and called me selfish for getting pregnant five months before her wedding, saying I knew how upsetting it would be for her on her big day.

Needless to say the friendship was no more, she cut off all contact, and after how she spoke to me, I didn't care.

Then two years later, after she had a much longed for baby, she got back in touch and tried to act like nothing had ever happened! I told her, that I was happy for her, I couldn't forget what she said and how she treated me.

Your DH's so-called friend will have regrets one day, just as my old friend did.

Enjoy your holiday!

Nennypops · 04/04/2014 19:30

I suppose these two must feel they have the moral high ground because they're doing so much to avoid the sister getting hurt. But they simply haven't thought it through at all and maybe that is beginning to dawn on them - hence that incredibly defensive reaction.

SauvignonBlanche · 04/04/2014 19:39

Unbelievable! Shock

ADishBestEatenCold · 04/04/2014 19:44

Don't know what to say ... horrific behavior on the B&G's part.

Sounds like your DH handled it brilliantly (I'm very sorry for calling you an arse early on in the thread Blush MrWedding)!
I think it's probably a good thing that he's going to set the record straight among his friends. This pair sound very capable of trying to manipulate the situation with a view to isolating you from mutual friends.

Awful that you've been treated like this.

AlpacaPicnic · 04/04/2014 19:51

Tess
If your friend had been apologetic when she got back in touch, do you think it would have been different? If she'd held her hands up and said 'I was an arse, forgive me?' rather than pretend nothing had happened?

TessOfTheBaublevilles · 04/04/2014 20:04

Alpaca - yes absolutely, if she had apologised, or just admitted how she acted was wrong, I would have been more forgiving.

Barbaralovesroger · 04/04/2014 20:05

As someone who has had emotionally painful fertility issues (for 4 years), I never was jealous of pregnant women as they weren't carrying my baby. Also I would never have wished infertility on any one I knew/loved. Would have hated to see anyone else struggle. The hardest part was clusters of birth announcements. Half deeply painful, half utterly joyful. Lots of tears secretly for myself. I never went out of my way to avoid pregnant women, it never occurred to me.

What I'm trying to say is have your friends actually talked to the girl? Which bits does she struggle with in reality? Are your friends interpreting her incorrectly? Does she really struggle round pregnant women? Of course she might? But do they know that for a fact?

MarthasHarbour · 04/04/2014 20:17

Really Alis? Shock i presume this means the behaviour is unsurprising.

Barbara i get what you are saying but in the OP's case the damage has already been done. I think even if they speak to the SIL and maybe 'come to their senses' the OP and her DH are beyond pissed-off hurt by the turn of events and nasty text message. Sad

AlpacaPicnic · 04/04/2014 20:20

tess thank you! I thought that would be the case. It's the dismissal of the hurt caused by selfish actions like that, that always seem to make things worse.

You're better off without her!

Alisvolatpropiis · 04/04/2014 20:25

martha

On re-reading i've noticed the couple OP is dealing with got engaged two months after the couple I thought it might have been were. Not the same people!

It is the kind of thing I can see happening with the couple I know, it all sounds very similar but the month of engagement doesn't match so I've got it wrong

MrsCaptainReynolds · 04/04/2014 20:35

People really do get mental over weddings, don't they? Total inability to remember there is life beyond that day.

Plateofcrumbs · 04/04/2014 21:06

Another one who has read the thread like this > Shock

I can't imagine it is the B&G who are having problems given the G's initial reaction to Wedding's news as she described I the OP.

I simply can't believe their lack of self-awareness. Even if they were so utterly convinced the sister was so profoundly unhinged by her infertility that having a pregnant woman in sight seriously risked utterly ruining the whole wedding for everyone. Even if all that were true. To not appreciate that what you were asking for from Wedding and her DH was a really, really big deal is insane. The complete lack of any sense of perspective at all they have shown in their response is breathtaking.

Barbaralovesroger · 04/04/2014 21:12

Yes that text message was really uncalled for. I really think the couple about to marry can only see things from a very limited viewpoint which might not necessarily be the viewpoint of the Ivf lady. Are they going to ban anyone who is preggers?! Other friends? Waitresses? Hotel staff? Other tourists staying at the hotel?