To be upset about being uninvited for being pregnant!

[WeddingNightmare123]

Ok I've name changed and it's a wedding one folks.

Late last year a very good, lifelong friend of my DH's announces that he has booked his wedding this summer in a Mediterranean holiday destination. We booked straight away, flights, hotel and MIL booked a week off work to look after our DC's. All good and looking forward to it.

I recently found out that I'm unexpectedly pregnant, not planned, bit of a shock but happy about it. At the weekend DH went out for a few drinks with his friend and happened to tell him that I'm 9 weeks pregnant. All appeared well and his friend congratulated him and seemed pleased, he was joking about DH having to put up with all the sleepless nights again.

On Monday night DH got a phone call from his friend basically saying that he didn't want to fall out with him but they (friend and his wife-to-be) think that it's best that I don't attend the wedding. He went on to explain that her sister had a failed 2nd attempt at IVF in February and they think my being there will be far too upsetting for her sister and bil and will spoil the day. DH said he understood but had paid out money we could ill afford and probably wouldn't get it back. His friend said that we should still come and I could spend the day sightseeing whilst DH goes to the wedding! We are all staying in the same hotel so she'll see me anyway!

We have booked this at the expense of a family holiday this year. I don't want to be hanging around on my own sodding sightseeing at bloody 29 weeks pregnant, I would far rather be on holiday with kids or getting the the pram and car seat that we need for this baby. I'm really bloody angry about it, DH thinks I'm being a bitch and should be more understanding. I really can't see his point at all and we aren't speaking.

So please, if you have got this far give me some perspective. AIBU and should I just suck it up?

I have a similar experience. My DHs brother and his girlfriend got pregnant but she had an abortion. Thereafter she couldn't bear to see anyone with a baby, or pregnant. Fair enough, she was grieving. But I went for a scan on my ovaries as they are poly cystic and she went nuts. (Scans were for pregnant people). We had a phone call off DHs db and she was ranting in the background. He eventually said that he hoped I died of ovarian cancer.

There is more (so much more to the story) but needless to say I went NC. They have since split up and I am still NC with him. I don't regret it one bit, even though it causes lots of hassle with DHs side of the family.(he's the no1 priority and as it's my decision to be NC, he comes first in all of their plans/family occasions etc, even though DH will speak civilly to his brother if they are forced together at a wedding or something).

Your DHs friends are being so short sighted, unreasonable and unfair, that they've made it easy for you to back right off and not look back!

YANBU.

You are showing a hell of a lot of restraint OP. I'd be on FB, texting and speaking directly to the sister about the whole thing, just to mar their perfect wedding abroad.

Kudos to you!

The trouble with telling everyone tho, is you are telling all about her sisters infertility and IVF. Perhaps she doesn't want everyone to know or have it the reason people are upset and excluded from the wedding. Which is what makes this behaviour more outrageous. If, as i suspect, the sister knows nothing about it. If however, she does and is encouraging it then she must expect her IVF and 'mental state' to be be a subject of discussion. I think i'd rather just see someone waddling round with a bump tbh.

Also someone upthread said about her being more upset about the pregnancy being an accident. But how would she know that? it's hardly a normal topic of conversation. Unless of course the B&G have told her themselves. If they are trying to be sensitive to her they are failing epically. Even if what they wanted happened and OP stayed out of sight at the hotel and the DH attended, surely people would ask. Which would put the attention back on the sister.

The more i think about it the more insensitive and stupid the behaviour is.

Mr and Mrs CuntZilla, sound like the kind of people, who can take a shit, look between their legs and see it, yet be utterly convinced, someone else did it.

Hope once the cuntymoon has ended, they actually realise, they are indeed a pair of arseholes.

DoItTooJulia Your post is one of the most shocking things I've ever read! My jaw literally dropped when I read it. Just dreadful. I'm so sorry you went through that.

Julia What a vile pair, shame they didnt stay together, vile people like that should be paired of together and save the rest of us.

I know, if my sister or brother did that to me, I'd be steaming angry, fertility is not something that needs to be discussed outside of the medical professionals and the people effected by it. If people chose to discuss it, then it should be their choice alone.

Well done for handling this in such a dignified manner OP. I would have replied saying "bitch are you on glue?" Within about 30 seconds from reading that text messages.

Some people are so utterly self righteous it's a wonder they manage to make it out the house without lashing out at their furniture.

DoItToo - that's so awful. I think 'deeply strange' does not even begin to describe some people. Poor you. And your poor DH. :(

First up, I have not RTFT as it's 16 pgs long, so apols if it's moved on, but just wanted to say OP YADNBU!! What absolute madness - there are pregnant people everywhere. You can't "uninvite" someone from a wedding just because they've got pregnant . Going to go back and read the rest a bit later. Poor you and congratulations on your pregnancy.

Thinking on this further - do you think there's a chance when they are saying the sister is having fertility issues, that they actually mean the bride?

Artisan may have hit the nail on the head. Still doesn't make their behaviour acceptable, but perhaps a tiny bit more understandable.

I wouldn't go down the route of posting things on Facebook or spreading the story / fermenting unpleasantness amongst your group of friends. That's not a nice way to behave, and just because they've behaved appallingly doesn't mean you should let yourself down either.

But I would tell anyone who asks why you are not going. I wouldn't name the sister specifically (as someone said, it's not nice to spread her private medical/emotional situation about, if indeed it is hers.)

I would just say 'No, we're not going. We wanted to, and we'd actually booked, but then the bride and groom asked me not to go when they found out that I was pregnant - apparently someone at the wedding is having fertility problems and would be distressed. It was all very upsetting for us and cost us a lot of money but we managed to change the booking in the end. I'm afraid it may have damaged the friendship, as the B&G have got very emotional about it, and we find their behaviour very hard to understand, or forgive.'

I think saying something like that - if asked - is much more dignified than appearing spiteful by trying to spoil their wedding / broadcast the details.

Thinking on this further - do you think there's a chance when they are saying the sister is having fertility issues, that they actually mean the bride?

That is a bloody good point!!!

Sorry everyone still feeling really ill with my throat and tiredness. My head is still pounding too. I really didn't want it to be common knowledge yet, I haven't even had a scan fgs. I didn't mind DH confiding in his friend as it was a shock and I understood that he wanted to talk to someone other than me.

DH is going to have word with his friends and make sure they are aware of our side as we can both foresee them telling everyone that we changed our minds due to my pregnancy.

Anyone remember the thread about the woman who was TTC, told her friend who was also TTC and the friend went nuts.

The behaviour is similar, I do wonder if maybe the bride or groom are having issues.

doittoojulia That's absolutely shocking!

julia WHAT?! That is literally crazy!

The behaviour is similar, I do wonder if maybe the bride or groom are having issues.

They are being so irrational and angry that I am beginning to wonder that too.

Hope you enjoy your family break, unplanned though it is.

Personally I'd have been tempted to ring them and offer them the choice of reimbursing me OR spending their wedding week in the same hotel as a mad, pregnant woman who would be deliberately going out of her way to make things as unpleasant as possible.

The BG's text makes me think of how my XP's friends used to act as teenagers if he wanted to see me at the weekend instead of drinking with them. Well done on not lowering yourself to reply.

Try and take things easy OP. I was exhausted throughout my third pregnancy. It was a killer.

I think you are doing the right thing in maintaining a dignified silence. I'm sure at some point someone else will point out to the B & G how awful they have been.

I hope you enjoy your holiday with the kids instead.

If it is the bride having fertility problems then I think my compassion would only be slightly increased if I got an apology at some point. I don't think I would be able to put aside the second conversation or text message. It's crossed a massive line.

Through the years I may have felt at times like wanting to scream and refuse to see people who were pregnant or had babies, but I'm a grown up and treating people like they're starting families to purely spite me is ridiculous and hurtful to them.

I can think and feel what I like - I don't get to cause other people hurt just because my world is painful. People who think they have that right are just revealing what absolute self obsessed arses they are.

I would put on Facebook "due to unfortunate circumstances we've had to change our Summer plans, but are very much looking forward to our family holiday to X in August instead." - feeling excited...

If anyone asks why message them privately that you were uninvited to the wedding because you are pregnant and there are fertility problems in the B&G's families. Maybe wait until the scan first?

Definitely give your mutual friends the heads up for the full reason as a warning.

ZenGardener I sailed through both my other pregnancies but this time around I'm finding it really tough already and dreading the next 31 weeks, especially a holiday in hot country in August!

MrsW I think that would be FB at its attention seeking worst