To be upset about being uninvited for being pregnant!

[WeddingNightmare123]

Ok I've name changed and it's a wedding one folks.

Late last year a very good, lifelong friend of my DH's announces that he has booked his wedding this summer in a Mediterranean holiday destination. We booked straight away, flights, hotel and MIL booked a week off work to look after our DC's. All good and looking forward to it.

I recently found out that I'm unexpectedly pregnant, not planned, bit of a shock but happy about it. At the weekend DH went out for a few drinks with his friend and happened to tell him that I'm 9 weeks pregnant. All appeared well and his friend congratulated him and seemed pleased, he was joking about DH having to put up with all the sleepless nights again.

On Monday night DH got a phone call from his friend basically saying that he didn't want to fall out with him but they (friend and his wife-to-be) think that it's best that I don't attend the wedding. He went on to explain that her sister had a failed 2nd attempt at IVF in February and they think my being there will be far too upsetting for her sister and bil and will spoil the day. DH said he understood but had paid out money we could ill afford and probably wouldn't get it back. His friend said that we should still come and I could spend the day sightseeing whilst DH goes to the wedding! We are all staying in the same hotel so she'll see me anyway!

We have booked this at the expense of a family holiday this year. I don't want to be hanging around on my own sodding sightseeing at bloody 29 weeks pregnant, I would far rather be on holiday with kids or getting the the pram and car seat that we need for this baby. I'm really bloody angry about it, DH thinks I'm being a bitch and should be more understanding. I really can't see his point at all and we aren't speaking.

So please, if you have got this far give me some perspective. AIBU and should I just suck it up?

So you were definitely unequivocally invited.

Fuck them. Rise above it.

I wouldn't send them this thread, her sister has enough people knowing her fertility problems without knowing MN knows too

OP of course you weren't unreasonable to be upset about being uninvited. By the same token though, if the bride's sister is really in a bad way, and the family are rallying and pointing at the wedding as something to look forward to, I can imagine how your happy news woudl have been received by the bride. She is looking out for her sister. Whether or not she is going the right way about it is unknown as we don't actually know how distressed/ill the sister is. So, although they have behaved inconsiderately towards you, sometimes with friends this happens because family comes first.
From that point on though, their position becomes unjustifiable: insisting you come but hide in the hotel? Insisting your partner comes alone? Not accepting the invitation decline and sending texts accusing you of 'coming between mates'. Really?
You did what they asked: you moved your booking so that you wouldn't be at the wedding. You couldn't afford to lose the money and naturally your OH wouldn't leave you hidden in a hotel room at 40degrees at 29 weeks pregnant. If your OH wants to remain friends with his old mate then I think you all need to leave it for a couple of days to cool down and then he needs to speak to his friend about the text. You are owed an apology here.

Wow just wow. They are stunning.

In light of the update, you and DH can do without these friends.

I'm guessing that if mutual friends attending the wedding know the situation, they will attend the ceremony and whatever of the reception they can manage, and then spend the rest of the night in a bar somewhere else, avoiding the 'happy' couple for the rest of the holiday as much as possible. I bet we've all been to do's where we stay just as long as is polite before leaving. If it had been somewhere only necessitating an overnight stay, it would have been easier to not go at all. I think when this news breaks there will be a few people re-evaluating their friendships with this couple and their attendance at this wedding.

Enjoy planning your holiday and for your new baby.

Uninvited in those circumstances means unfriend to me. I would go and enjoy your holiday and forget them. Glad your DH has your back now.

I would also make sure every mutual friend knew that you were uninvited for being pregnant though after receiving a formal invitation and having booked the trip, without mentioning the sister's situation. I can't imagine many would be on their side.

The sister might well not have been bothered at all, and if she is, well, she is going to see pregnant women everywhere! Utter twattery.

I've seen child-free weddings but children aren't usually excluded when in-utero. Also at 29 weeks, while I felt very pregnant to me, some people thought I'd just put a bit of weight on!

I agree with momb, you did what they asked. You made sure you would not be at the wedding to be seen by sil. They should be thanking you for your understanding of their situation not slagging you. To expect it all their own way, you hiding at hotel and dh at the wedding alone is just ridiculous. How was that ever going to work! People would ask dh where you were, you would be seen at the hotel. They are mad!

This but I'm guessing that when the sister finds out you've been uninvited for being pregnant, she'll put two and two together and she'll know why it's happened. Her reaction - assuming she tells them they're being massively unreasonable - might actually help them to see what twats they are being.

I have already commented on their twattery, but this is another reason I hate big weddings abroad. Fine, slope off with your parents and siblings, but I think it's a bit ask in the first place to expect friends to give up family holidays to absorb the cost of your wedding. I know some friends will be able to afford to do both, or will want to come anyway. But I think if you marry abroad you have to be gracious about any and all reasons for not attending - leaving aside the atrocious uninviting for a moment.

Meant : This to Katnip

good grief!

What a pair of utter bitches they are.

Dignified silence is the high ground

In this case? Take the low ground.

Can I also just say I admire your dh for actually phoning his friend to tell him you were no longer going to the wedding. So many people now take the cowardly option of texting info like that now. Well done your dh!

Actually, what are the chances of this wedding going ahead, I think bride and groom might start having a go at each other soon. They already sound strained.

Am actually really angry on your behalf OP, so the lord knows how you and your DH are feeling about this. Cannot believe the attempted justification of "You took the chance when you booked" - WTF? Kudos if you do let that bit go, because there's no way I would.*

*WARNING - THIS IS NOT AN INCITEMENT TO GO DO SOMETHING IF IT DOESN'T SUIT YOU BTW

I hereby nominate the bride and groom that are the subject of this thread for the MN Twat of the year awards - category Bride/Groom Zillas?

(Do we have a MN Twat of the Year award yet?)

Oh my god - i read this last night and was interested in the outcome of the telephone call. I was not expecting that reaction!

Wow - just wow! You 'have' to let at least one or two mutual friends (and your MIL) know the full story - it will come back and kick them in the balls one day (although if my MIL was involved she would be doing some serious ball kicking now )

to you and DH and congrats on your pregnancy!

Holy shit! Just read the thread instead of cleaning and am fucking horrified for you. You must be crushed. I would be. It's awful when people you care about and think are genuine friends behave like selfish cunts. I was at least expecting them to say 'we're sorry you can't make it mate, but we understand'. But to then get even more rude and defensive when they are the ones who have uninvited you. I wonder how they would feel if it was Bridezilla who had been uninvited if the tables were turned.

I agree with the others about 'you took that risk' comment, wtf is that supposed to mean? You should have half expected to be uninvited? I have never know anyone in my life be uninvited from a wedding. Let alone one they have spent £££ on.

And then the nasty txt. Like you are some bitch refusing to let your DH go? Er does he think your DH cannot make decisions for himself - obviously not - just like he apparently can't with his fiance!

I know it's hard when it's raw, but honestly you are better off without them. I hope you have a lovely family holiday and congratulations on the wonderful news of your pregnancy - don't let this overshadow it.

CUNTS!

"Just to confirm that neither of us will attend your wedding in August. Maybe next time."

"You took the chance when you booked"

• really shocking isn't it?

I wonder if all the other guests knew they would be uninvited (or at least the PG one would be) if they fell PG before the wedding? Did they make this clear on the invitation? I'd be sooo tempted to mention this to all the other (still) invited guests.

I agree with dignified silence to their pair of wankers but absolutely ensure that all mutual friends are made aware as soon as possible of all this bollocks.

There would be no way back for me. Even if in two years they realise how unreasonable they were and try and build some bridges, I'd be telling them to fuck right off. And invoicing them for the costs incurred by their uninvitation!

Have you mentioned it to any mutual friends yet op?

I agree that your mutual friends, parents in law etc should know the truth about why you won't be attending the wedding, and in relaying the sorry tale I'm sure they'll see that the b&g have effectively outed the news of your pregnancy, possibly before you wanted to make it public, and have shown no consideration to the stress they're causing during early pregnancy. The irony that they suggest you aren't being considerate!

The other guests should probably worry about being uninvited because they bought the wrong colour dress or had a hair cut the groom and bridezilla didn't like or something else equally ridiculous. Who knows if anyone will actually be allowed to attend the wedding. After all, they knew they were taking a risk when then booked it.

Not read whole thread yet. But it seems YANBU. Have all pregnant women been uninvited from the wedding? Will there be a group of you at the hotel, pregnant and uninvited and expected to entertain yourselves for the day? Are you (and anyone else) expected to hide for the duration of the time you are there in case she sees you at the hotel? Are there other wedding-related celebrations happening whilst you are all out there, that you are also expected to sit out?

The bitch in me would be penning a FB status now tagging in all mutual friends as well as B&G - something along the lines of 'please ensure that you use full contraception in the run up to CuntB&G's big day otherwise you will be uninvited as a result of any unexpected pregnancies'

but-then i would be too much of a wuss to post it

And i speak as someone who has had shit loads of fertility issues over the years - i also think SIL would be mortified if she knew

Think you've handled this with dignity.

I can see where the bride's thinking started, but I think they have both lost the plot completely and actually made the situation much worse for the sister. I spent 6 years dealing with infertility. While at it's rawest, seeing pregnant women would have upset me, what would have broken me would have been if my sister did what this idiotic couple have done. Since they don't have the sense to realise they've behaved badly, I'm guessing when the other mutual friends ask why you're not going, they are going to tell them and assuming your mutual friends are not insane, they won't be impressed. What a lovely atmosphere for the sister to spend a weeks holiday in. I would have hated to feel that exposed and would probably have been very angry with my sister (who not being an idiot, would never have done this). If she's seriously going to be this raw still in 3/4 months time, she needs to look at getting professional support, not have her family wrap her in cotton wool. Infertility can pretty much destroy your life if you allow it to have this much control over what you do/who you see.

I do completely understand wanting to protect family - though the fact that she only cares about her sister seeing you at the wedding suggests what she wants is to make sure HER day isn't affected by her sister's distress. My sister was going through a traumatic divorce when I got married, and I seriously considered postponing because I didn't want to make it worse for her. However, the only people financially affected by that would have been me/DH. In the b/g shoes I can just about see saying 'I am so sorry about this, we will have to ask you not to attend, but we will find a way to refund you + here's a huge bunch of flowers for wedding / basket of baby stuff to say sorry.' But their overall attitude is completely bonkers.

Finally, can I just say three cheers for your MIL for being so totally on your side.