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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not want to leave my distraught DC to be put to bed by a sitter?

228 replies

MWNameChange · 22/03/2014 22:13

So I need to get some perspective on this (have NCd as this could out me):

A friend is having a birthday meal soon and invited myself and DH. When they originally suggested a time at the time of invite, we responded that it would be too early for us but could be out for 8pm. They then sent a generic text to all the invitees saying they had booked a table at a restaurant for 7.45pm - 30 mins drive from us.

We did not say anything else at this point as we did not want to make a fuss, or for them to change plans for us as we assumed they understood we would not be there until 8pm.

We have arranged to share a lift and babysitter with friends who are also going in order to save money - they understand we cannot leave until 7.30pm as our son just will not be put to bed by a sitter and we need to get him in bed ourselves before we can leave the house. He gets distraught at being left so we need to make sure he is in bed first and ok.

The friends who have invited us have now said they are pissed off and think it is rude that we will not be there at 7.45pm as "we have been given enough notice to get sorted".

AIBU to think this is out of order seeing as we are having to fork out for sitter plus drive 30mins to celebrate their birthday and they knew we would not be able to get there any earlier? I'm feeling pretty cross at the moment!

OP posts:
NickNacks · 22/03/2014 22:15

How old is he?

Original poster
MWNameChange · 22/03/2014 22:15

He is just 4.

OP posts:
weeblueberry · 22/03/2014 22:16

Is the sitter family or a stranger ?

Original poster
MWNameChange · 22/03/2014 22:17

Stranger - if it was family it would be ok but they are not local or available.

OP posts:
DoJo · 22/03/2014 22:18

Did you explain why you wouldn't be able to be there earlier? Perhaps they thought that you were somehow working on getting your son to bed earlier or without being distraught at you going out.

Annunziata · 22/03/2014 22:19

A 4 year old does not need two parents to put him to bed, that's ridiculous.

You want someone else's birthday dinner to be dictated by a child who is not theirs?

Beamur · 22/03/2014 22:19

I can see this from both sides. You've asked for a certain time, knowing the constraints you have to leave earlier, but despite that they've booked earlier. Maybe the restaurant seats at certain times? But this means you're going to struggle to get there on time.
No one is being unreasonable per se, but it doesn't get you there on time!
My DD (until fairly recently) wasn't happy with me going out, even when being left with another close family member. So I sympathise.

GreenLandsOfHome · 22/03/2014 22:20

Can you try making it fun for him and the thought of this person putting him to bed as something to look forward to?

Allow the sitter to do something that would normally be off limits at bedtime...like taking toys into his bed, even allowing him to watch TV as he falls asleep.

Could you make a big deal out of him being allowed to stay up as late as he likes downstairs and then the sitter carrying him up once he's asleep?

Tell him it's treat night and he's allowed a milkshake and popcorn in bed as the sitter reads him a story?

None ideal, but won't harm as a one off.

heather1 · 22/03/2014 22:21

Can you put him to bed early just this one night? Give him a really tiring day and pop him in bed. My da still don't love having a sitter when they wee younger I would just tire them out and put them to bed early.
I think you friends are rude. However it could be said they have made some allowances as it could be seated and drinks ready to order at 8 so they have given some leeway.

Original poster
MWNameChange · 22/03/2014 22:21

Didn't go into a massive explanation at the time but made it clear it was too early. They know us pretty well though - we are not the type to be awkward for the sake of it. We have since given an explanation but it seems they are still annoyed about it.

OP posts:
GreenLandsOfHome · 22/03/2014 22:23

I could probably tell my kids the devil was coming to put them to bed and they'd still pee their pants in excitement if I told them they could have a milkshake whilst he was reading their story!

MyNameIsKenAdams · 22/03/2014 22:23

Its petty that they are kicking off over 15 mins. Leave at 7.30, 30min drive. Be there for 8. They wont even have ordered by then.

AgentZigzag · 22/03/2014 22:24

Aww he's only 4.

They are being unreasonable being so stroppy about just 15 minutes, I can't understand why they would want you to know they're so petty.

Why do you think they're so uptight about the time? That they like being in control? Don't like the idea of you 'telling' them what time it'll start?

They've kind of put a dampener on it by suggesting they're more important than your DS. Not really a nice atmosphere for celebrating their birthday.

Are you still going to go?

Original poster
MWNameChange · 22/03/2014 22:24

Annuziata - the restaurant is a 30 min drive and we are sharing a lift with friends. Are you suggesting one of us stays behind and pays for a 20 mile cab journey??

OP posts:
TheBody · 22/03/2014 22:24

why would you ask a stranger into your house to be there to either put your child to sleep or be there if your child wakes up?

bloody bizarre.

if I woke up and saw a stranger in my room I
would freak and secondly assume they were trying to kill me and launch myself at them to kill them.

I am 50.

Sirzy · 22/03/2014 22:25

Problem is if they have booked a meal then it is a hassle having 4 people turning up late.

Have you tried leaving him (recently) or are you just assuming it will be a problem?

GreenLandsOfHome · 22/03/2014 22:25

The thing is...if he gets so hysterical over this person putting him to bed, what would he be like if he wakes up once asleep and you're not there?

They'd have to put him back to bed then anyway...

ThornOfCamorr · 22/03/2014 22:25

I would never make a friend feel bad about something like this. You are making an effort to go as it is. Your ds is still little whatever anyone on here says and each family has their own routine. Would it only be 15 minutes later than the start of the meal when you arrive? I wouldn't see that as a problem I would send you the menu,get you to preorder and be really happy you were coming!

FoodieToo · 22/03/2014 22:26

Don't see why your friend has to organise their night out around a child who for some reason needs two adults to put him to bed.
I think you're being completely unreasonable.

TheBody · 22/03/2014 22:26

we wouldn't have gone or alternatively got a familiar face to babysit.

really can't see any reason why on earth you would go.

RufusTheReindeer · 22/03/2014 22:26

YANBU

hoobypickypicky · 22/03/2014 22:26

It's fine for you to be late for your friend's birthday dinner.
It's fine for you to cause your other friends arrival at the restaurant to be delayed.
All this is of course on the understanding that it's also fine for those people to consider you rude and think you unreasonable to have accepted an invitation despite knowing that you're going to cause disruption to the host, the restaurateur and to other guests and to expect their worlds to revolve around your child.

Original poster
MWNameChange · 22/03/2014 22:27

Believe me we do really try, and we do go out quite a bit, but he is going through a particularly clingy stage at the moment. He doesn't even really like his own dad putting him to bed. We will try and get him to bed early.
, but he gets suspicious and worried as soon as he sees I am dressed up to go out!

OP posts:
ThornOfCamorr · 22/03/2014 22:27

Bit harsh Hooby.

AgentZigzag · 22/03/2014 22:28

If they know you pretty well and are friends and not family, why are they picking this battle to have with you?

Or is sniping their default position?