Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not want to leave my distraught DC to be put to bed by a sitter?

228 replies

MWNameChange · 22/03/2014 22:13

So I need to get some perspective on this (have NCd as this could out me):

A friend is having a birthday meal soon and invited myself and DH. When they originally suggested a time at the time of invite, we responded that it would be too early for us but could be out for 8pm. They then sent a generic text to all the invitees saying they had booked a table at a restaurant for 7.45pm - 30 mins drive from us.

We did not say anything else at this point as we did not want to make a fuss, or for them to change plans for us as we assumed they understood we would not be there until 8pm.

We have arranged to share a lift and babysitter with friends who are also going in order to save money - they understand we cannot leave until 7.30pm as our son just will not be put to bed by a sitter and we need to get him in bed ourselves before we can leave the house. He gets distraught at being left so we need to make sure he is in bed first and ok.

The friends who have invited us have now said they are pissed off and think it is rude that we will not be there at 7.45pm as "we have been given enough notice to get sorted".

AIBU to think this is out of order seeing as we are having to fork out for sitter plus drive 30mins to celebrate their birthday and they knew we would not be able to get there any earlier? I'm feeling pretty cross at the moment!

OP posts:
SantanaLopez · 22/03/2014 23:30

Not PA just explaining how it's always been in the past so hasn't been an issue for us before!

But maybe it's been an issue for your friends. They might have had to adjust their day by 15 minutes last time, now it's your turn to do them the same courtesy.

Goldmandra · 22/03/2014 23:30

You have a child who gets distressed if left to be put to be by strangers but is fine if he's in bed before you leave. Leaving after his bedtime seems like an excellent solution to the problem to me and it's worked for you up until now because you've been able to socialise after 8.00pm.

I wouldn't want to leave my child distressed, partly because it might mean he became distressed about being left, even in bed, in the future and partly because I don't think I'd be able to enjoy my night much if my child was at home upset.

I get that some people have children who can cope with disruptions to routine and unfamiliar faces and they would be fine but children are not all like that. Some won't be fine after five minutes.

I don't understand why it's more important to these friends that you are there at the appointed time than that you can enjoy your evening out without worrying about your DS.

TheBody · 22/03/2014 23:33

utter strange to leave any child with a stranger.

not the point if they awake/asleep either. it's bizarre.

we only left ours with close family or close friends especially at 4 ffs.

otherwise you get wine and stay home. we entertained a lot at home when ours were little.

your friends sound unhinged op.

ThornOfCamorr · 22/03/2014 23:37

I find the little digs at the OP a bit mean actually. She isn't passive aggressive or trying to ruin her friends meal nor is she playing PFB and making everyone change plans. Even if her friends have had to work around their children I am sure the OP wouldn't be angry at them for being a little late.

Devora · 22/03/2014 23:37

OP, my dd is 4.5 yo and cannot be left with a babysitter. I'm not interested in justifying that to anyone on this thread, just wanted to reassure you that you are not a uniquely aberrant slack mum Smile

catkind · 22/03/2014 23:38

So you have told hosts from the outset what time you can get there, they've booked their choice regardless and they're now saying you're rude because you can't get there earlier? Whatever the reason for your timings, it's not you who's being rude here.

Also I can guarantee that if you push all the boats out to get there 15 minutes earlier, someone else (probably the host) will be 15 minutes late due to traffic, getting held up at work or other reasons unmentioned.

LoopyDoopyDoo · 22/03/2014 23:40

If it were me I'd get the babysitter earlier, get them to give the kids their dinner and a treat, eg. watch a movie with popcorn and hot chocolate, and completely change their routine.

That said, I'm not sure about sharing a babysitter. Will this be at your house or your friends'? Unless they are an experienced adult, I don't think I'd want a babysitty shary experience.

Original poster
MWNameChange · 22/03/2014 23:42

Thanks Devora Smile

Yes catkind I'm sure you're right - I've no doubt that will be the case!!

OP posts:
stickygotstuck · 22/03/2014 23:43

Very gald for the very many of you who don't have very clingy, very anxious children. However, that means that those who talk about 'pandering to your child' and 'making a rod for your own back' really have no idea what you are talking about. You really must defer to the OP on this one. As his mother, she knows better. And for many children, 4 is still very little.

OP, YANBU at all. It's ony 15 mins FFS.

LeepyTime · 22/03/2014 23:43

YADNBU!!! Seriously, I don't get what all the fuss is about being 15 minutes late! The hosts might not even have arrived by 8 if they have a young baby to sort out. And to say that a 4 year old should be fine with a total stranger putting them to bed is unbelievable, he is still practically a wee toddler, just turned 4! How can people be so cold and say you are pampering him? And why is everyone saying that you are 'dictating' the start time of the dinner? You only said that you couldn't make it until then, not - you better not start it without me. And you will do your best to get there on time, but cannot guarantee it, as no-one can! Your friends need to wise the F up!! Birthday-zillas indeed. It is actually embarrassing and reminds me of that episode of Curb when it was Ben Stiller's birthday party ...

Original poster
MWNameChange · 22/03/2014 23:44

It's at our house Loopy. We've done it before and it's been fine. Their DS is totally ok with sitters. (Makes us feel even worse!)

OP posts:
slightlysnippy · 22/03/2014 23:48

I personally wouldn't leave my child with a stranger, if I couldn't get a familiar face to baby sit I would make my regrets and not go.

aermingers · 22/03/2014 23:55

It's rude. It's just rude. If the OP genuinely has no friends she can leave the child with and has to use a sitter she should get her child to sleep half an hour earlier. Have a specially early morning and take him out to do some activities so he's knackered.

Expecting the time to be changed to suit your kids bedtime or to be allowed to waltz in late is incredibly rude.

I socialize with friends with children all the time and have children myself. I have never, ever heard someone demand that times are set to suit their child's bedtime.

It's just rude. If you really felt that there was absolutely no way you could conceivably put your child to be half an hour earlier you should decline the invitation rather than expecting times to be changed or to be allowed to arrive late.

I'm sorry, it's monumentally bad manners, I'm aghast that people on here think it's fine. Were you all dragged up?

PrimalLass · 22/03/2014 23:56

SantanaLopez, sometimes it just isn't that easy. I had an anxious child, who was also a stickler for detail. He would have noticed, unless I had changed very clock in the house. Do something once with him and it becomes a habit.

Thetallesttower · 23/03/2014 00:00

aermingers obviously for you, being exactly on time for a dinner with friends is very important and you would think badly of someone who was 15 min late. I wouldn't, neither would my friends. If you live in a city, people often arrive at different times due to transport/work. I wouldn't even blink at 15 min, it's a fun night out, not an appointment.

PrimalLass · 23/03/2014 00:03

Aermingers, how funny that you talk about manners and are rude to people in the same paragraph.

I expect adults to act like adults, and to understand that small children might get upset and be the priority.

LeepyTime · 23/03/2014 00:04

The point is she is not just swinging in 15 minutes late - she already said she could only make it by then, and the hosts went ahead and booked the inconvenient time (which in my opinion was rude and inconsiderate, not to mention the fact that they booked it in a restaurant far away, knowing they would have to leave the child even earlier). But they know that she is coming at that time so to me that is not the same as just arriving late unexpectedly. Also, as I have already said - the OP is not dictating the start time, she is merely saying that she may arrive a bit late, not to delay the start time on her behalf. Do you think the friend would prefer that they don't go at all rather than arrive 10 mins late, talk about cutting off your nose ... !! I totally believe in punctuality and good manners, but my god, there are circumstances when you can cut a bit of slack and good manners also means having some consideration for others.

Charley50 · 23/03/2014 00:08

Your friends are being unreasonable. They should understand. Can't just one of you go and then you don't need to bother with a sitter? I'd be pissed off that they were pissed off tbh tho. :-(

Goldmandra · 23/03/2014 00:08

You can't always manipulate children to suit your social life and leave them happy and relaxed when they are so little. The OP could arrange things around the adults and go out leaving her DS upset but that doesn't seem fair on him and it would spoil the whole evening for many parents who did this.

The OP accepted the invitation when a time had not been set, made it clear that they couldn't be there before a certain time and then, rather than demanding that the time was changed to suit them, arranged to arrive at the earliest time they could manage which was only 15 minutes late.

The OP feels that to decline the invitation now would be rude s she's on a hiding to nothing isn't she?

gingercat2 · 23/03/2014 00:15

YANBU. You told them what time you could be there. Your reasons for not being able to get there earlier are actually no one else's business!

BrianTheMole · 23/03/2014 00:20

Expecting the time to be changed to suit your kids bedtime or to be allowed to waltz in late is incredibly rude.

She hasn't asked for the times to be changed. She's arriving at the time she said she can make. Nothing rude about that. And saying allowed is an odd thing to say. She's not at work you know, and going for a meal with your friends is supposed to be fun. Her child is her priority over the timing of a meal, same for anyone else.

SallyMcgally · 23/03/2014 00:29

YANBU. Your friends sound pretty mean tbh. Hope it works out for you.

maffive · 23/03/2014 01:24

OP do you think the issue for your friends is that there are now going to be four of you arriving late, rather than just you and dh?

I don't think you said how many are going, but if it's only 8 of you then that's half the table empty until the rest of you get there.

Also, I know of restaurants that are very popular and busy, and have a (imo) stupid policy of not giving you your table unless all the guests are present. Could this be the situation where you are going?

Do you think the birthday friends would feel better if you traveled separately? The other couple could then arrive on time. You can still cab share on the way home.

I noticed you say you are sharing the babysitter. Are the dc a similar age? If so, would that make it exciting enough that your ds will not mind so much if you're not there for bedtime?

YANBU to put your child's needs before your friends. Being a bit late for dinner (whether planned in advance or not) would not bother me.

Becles · 23/03/2014 01:39

OP - your friends have already moved the timing of dinner back to a later time than they initially wished to accommodate your needs. just because it is not the exact time you wished for (just 15mins short of your criteria) does not make your friends unreasonable or inconsiderate.

You should either put your son to bed earlier (by 15 mins!) and have the babysitter read to the DC or not go - you actions are now not only impacting on the person having the birthday but the enjoyment of the friends sharing a lift with you will be a factor you don't seem to have considered.

pianodoodle · 23/03/2014 02:23

The friends who have invited us have now said they are pissed off and think it is rude that we will not be there at 7.45pm as "we have been given enough notice to get sorted".

Weird sort of "friends" - I wouldn't go at all if they said that to me.

If I knew my child would be upset and explained about being a bit late, but they were pissed off at me they could shove their precious birthday up their arse.