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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not want to leave my distraught DC to be put to bed by a sitter?

228 replies

MWNameChange · 22/03/2014 22:13

So I need to get some perspective on this (have NCd as this could out me):

A friend is having a birthday meal soon and invited myself and DH. When they originally suggested a time at the time of invite, we responded that it would be too early for us but could be out for 8pm. They then sent a generic text to all the invitees saying they had booked a table at a restaurant for 7.45pm - 30 mins drive from us.

We did not say anything else at this point as we did not want to make a fuss, or for them to change plans for us as we assumed they understood we would not be there until 8pm.

We have arranged to share a lift and babysitter with friends who are also going in order to save money - they understand we cannot leave until 7.30pm as our son just will not be put to bed by a sitter and we need to get him in bed ourselves before we can leave the house. He gets distraught at being left so we need to make sure he is in bed first and ok.

The friends who have invited us have now said they are pissed off and think it is rude that we will not be there at 7.45pm as "we have been given enough notice to get sorted".

AIBU to think this is out of order seeing as we are having to fork out for sitter plus drive 30mins to celebrate their birthday and they knew we would not be able to get there any earlier? I'm feeling pretty cross at the moment!

OP posts:
redskyatnight · 23/03/2014 11:15

I don't think this is an issue of "only 15 minutes" late though. The hosts have already moved the dinner back to later than they wanted to and expect the OP to also compromise - they are asking for her to put her DS to bed 15 minutes early and tbh I (like others on this thread) can't see what on earth the problem is with this. Even if DS has an amazing internal clock they have had ages to shift it backwards so he goes to bed a bit earlier. If they have a young baby, maybe they are thinking that any later makes their own babysitting a problem?

If they are hoping to sit down at the table at 7.45 it actually is quite disruptive if 4 people turn up late (and I suspect will be later than 8pm).

Thetallesttower · 23/03/2014 11:20

I don't really think what they do with their own baby is relevant- perhaps she's being cared for by a grandparent who is round there several times a week, I very much doubt they are leaving the baby with a stranger. Children around 2-6 I've found can get very upset with a babysitter, I've certainly babysat and had children sobbing for mum or dad, it's not very nice for anyone. Older children tend to see the fun in having another adult there, staying up late, treats, but a younger child may still look to having mum or dad there at night as very reassuring and I don't think children who are like this are clingy at all, it's quite normal in my babysitting experience!

Upandatem · 23/03/2014 11:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pixiepotter · 23/03/2014 11:28

Why don't you just put him to bed earlier.They have already very kindly compromised, YABU not to meet them half way.
You may organise your life to revolve around your kid, YABU to expect anyone else's to.

Upandatem · 23/03/2014 11:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PuppyMonkey · 23/03/2014 11:34

My friends had a neat trick of drawing the curtains and fooling their kids into going to bed at about 5pm if they were going out. They'd just start the whole bath and story thing two hours before normal. Kids would fall for it and then they got ready for night out in peace.

Clocks go forward next week so it'll be lighter later. Just saying.

Thetallesttower · 23/03/2014 11:45

One option might be (rather than stress about this and end up putting a screaming child to bed as you HAVE to go by then)- why not call them and give them the choice. Say you know you are being a pain and you are really sorry, but you might not be there til 8 or even 8.15, and would they prefer you just to drop out or come late?

I can't imagine doing this, I had a friend blow me out for a meet-up yesterday as her child just vomited. People get sick, kids aren't always flexible, work often intervenes. I hate the idea of an invite that people are going to strop about if you are a little late.

Thetallesttower · 23/03/2014 11:46

I do like the idea of going for getting ready the whole two hours early though, I think that's actually a good plan (10 min won't be enough if they kick off!)

Genius!

TheBody · 23/03/2014 11:49

well each to their own but I would t have dreamed of leaving any of ours with a strange babysitter.

I remember years ago I made what I thought was quite a good friend who offered to babysit for us. great. however on the night she did t come and sent her husband who none of us had ever met!

we didn't go out and she actually couldn't understand our attitude as apparently her kids would stay with anyone.

you just wonder really how on earth their 'keeping ourselves safe' discussions went.

your kids come first. it's not pfb it's responsible.

redskyatnight · 23/03/2014 12:32

TBH I'm a little surprised that if her DS is so inflexible and likely to be very upset if he wakes up and finds he is left with a sitter ... that OP is even considering that she and DH both go the meal. I'd personally suggest that one of you (whoever is better friends with the birthday friend) goes and the other stays at home. The current situation seems to be very stressful and working for no one.

FamiliesShareGerms · 23/03/2014 12:40

Sounds like a massive lack of communication if the people doing the inviting are really cross at the fact that the OP still won't be there before 8pm despite some changes to the plan.

greenfolder · 23/03/2014 12:55

i think your friends are getting their knickers in a twist over nothing. when i go out with friends we have a time table is booked, but for the sake of 15 minutes, that is just a drink and a chat whilst glancing at a menu.

MintTeaForMe · 24/03/2014 13:48

I don't expect people to change their plans for me but I do expect friends to be understanding

Actually it sounds to me like changing their plans is exactly what you want them to do OP.

YABU and I am amazed people on here should suggest otherwise. Your friends have a SMALL BABY and you are the one making a big deal about leaving your son with a babysitter. Put him to bed early and hope for the best or don't go. For all you know your friends may be desperate to start early because they have to get back to do a dream feed, or because they know they'll be up multiple times in the night.

You are the one that needs to respect their wishes, and if you can't then don't go. Simples.

GreggsOnLegs · 24/03/2014 13:59

Can you somehow get a copy of the menu, online, or ring up and ask them to email you the menu, then choose your meal then ask your friends to order on your behalf.
That way no ones waiting for you to get there to order.

DIYapprentice · 24/03/2014 14:03

Children are different, and children go through different phases of their own.

We've often left our DC with babysitters, mostly ones they have gotten to know well, and they've been wonderful.

DS1, 7 years old, is, however, going through a hellish stage. Challenging, arguing, back chatting, tantruming, trying to control everyone and everything around him.

After a couple of bad sessions with babysitters we have had to temporarily cancel all evenings out if they require a babysitter before bedtime. If our friends kick up a fuss about it then they can go and do one. I have enough issues with a difficult child right now to tolerate 'friends' who would arc up about me needing to be somewhere later than usual.

pixiepotter · 24/03/2014 18:55

your kids come first. it's not pfb it's responsible

Your child's needs should come first, but not their wants.Letting a 4 yo dictate who puts them to bed does not bode well for the future!

SaucyJack · 24/03/2014 19:31

I think letting a 4-year-old "dictate" that they're not happy being left with a stranger just so's you can go out and get rat-arsed is fine personally....... and I'm far from soft.

PrincessScrumpy · 24/03/2014 19:40

We never go out before dc are in bed but we have 3 including 2 toddlers. I would just tell them to have their starters and you'll be there in time for the main. Can you see the menu beforehand? You could choose your main meal so it can be ordered at the same time.
I would accommodate people with young children but not everyone is as helpful. I do think the main issue is that you are making other friends late. I would travel separately but share the return journey.

Goldmandra · 24/03/2014 19:44

If they were asking his permission or telling him they were going then changing their minds when he kicked off about it, it wouldn't bode well for the future.

However, making a decision based on their wish not to leave a child at home distressed isn't allowing the child to dictate anything. He probably isn't even aware that there is a decision to be made, never mind being allowed to make it.

youmakemydreams · 24/03/2014 20:13

I have 3 dc. Two have never given a rats arse who put them to bed. One I had to put to bed first at 3/4 years old if I went out no matter who I was leaving him with. He was just a very shy and anxious child that liked everything in his world to be the same. He's nearly 8 now and far more relaxed about being left with people. I didn't see it as pandering to him. He was also happy to know that he had a baby sitter but he wanted to be asleep first.

Also 15 minutes?? I will put money on other people also being up to or more than 15 minutes late on the night without having pre-warned the hosts.

KatnipEvergreen · 24/03/2014 20:36

I can't believe anyone would be so arsey about fifteen minutes. Clearly they have no idea what an expense and effort it is to be there at all with a young, clingy child. Usually it takes about half an hour after the booked time to get everyone in and sat down and ordering when there is a big group.

I bet if the OP did manage to get there at 7.45pm, they'd be one of the first there. Don't feel bad if you get there at 8.

justmyview · 24/03/2014 20:40

Check the menu online, tell your friend what to order if you're running late.

RedandChecker · 24/03/2014 20:51

Wow people are so harsh!
YANBU. He is only four, of course he wants his parents and not a stranger to put him to bed. If it was a close family member/friend then I'm sure you and your DS would both feel more comfortable with this.

I would be tempted not to go now that they have not been understanding. It takes 30 mins to just settle and order drinks - it's hardly causing a problem for them.

People are so blinded and think their child must be the same as everyone else's. A four year old is still very young and it is very understandable that he would be upset.

VoyageDeVerity · 24/03/2014 21:07

I could never be friends with people who made me feel like shit over 15m of pre warned lateness due to child/ babysitter issues. I had a big fancy birthday dinner a couple of weeks ago and some if my girlfriends were 15 mins late as the couldn't decide on a dress!

Uptight is not the word. I wouldn't go if they were going to be huffy all night.

housebox · 24/03/2014 21:19

I think your friends are being massively unreasonable.

Some children settle easily at night and some don't. He is only 4 so really ignore all the "rod for your own back" comments. No need to leave your child upset and crying.

I'm a stickler for timekeeping but even I wouldn't have an issue with someone letting me know in advance that they might be 15 mins late for a meal!

When there is a large group it usually takes a while for everyone to get seated, order drinks, chat, look at the menu etc so I would be surprised if they even managed to order before 8 anyway.

If I was your friend I would just send the menu through to you and ask you to let me have your order. Then if you were not there by the time we were ready to order I would just order this for you - not a problem. We often do this for others when we go out as generally we appreciate that some children are harder to settle than others.

I think if the friend was going to make me feel bad about it I would say that as I couldn't make it for the time they wanted I woudn't come.