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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not want to leave my distraught DC to be put to bed by a sitter?

228 replies

MWNameChange · 22/03/2014 22:13

So I need to get some perspective on this (have NCd as this could out me):

A friend is having a birthday meal soon and invited myself and DH. When they originally suggested a time at the time of invite, we responded that it would be too early for us but could be out for 8pm. They then sent a generic text to all the invitees saying they had booked a table at a restaurant for 7.45pm - 30 mins drive from us.

We did not say anything else at this point as we did not want to make a fuss, or for them to change plans for us as we assumed they understood we would not be there until 8pm.

We have arranged to share a lift and babysitter with friends who are also going in order to save money - they understand we cannot leave until 7.30pm as our son just will not be put to bed by a sitter and we need to get him in bed ourselves before we can leave the house. He gets distraught at being left so we need to make sure he is in bed first and ok.

The friends who have invited us have now said they are pissed off and think it is rude that we will not be there at 7.45pm as "we have been given enough notice to get sorted".

AIBU to think this is out of order seeing as we are having to fork out for sitter plus drive 30mins to celebrate their birthday and they knew we would not be able to get there any earlier? I'm feeling pretty cross at the moment!

OP posts:
Annunziata · 22/03/2014 22:37

Make everyone change their plans over your son's sleeping?

AgentZigzag · 22/03/2014 22:38

I agree that theoretically a 4 YO shouldn't dictate when parents go out MrsD, but if the OPs DS does still get upset if his bedtime routine is off kilter right at this moment, despite the OP trying to change it, surely she has no choice but to let him dictate.

Much worse for her to go off saying everything will be fine when she knows it won't be, worse for her DS and the poor babysitter.

For the sake of 15 minutes I can't see why she'd choose that night of all nights to put her foot down and leave him upset.

ThornOfCamorr · 22/03/2014 22:38

No ones had to change their plans the OP will be a MASSIVE 15 mins late! Seems a storm in a teacup to me.

GreenLandsOfHome · 22/03/2014 22:39

Ds2 is nearly 4...I wouldn't out of the blue go out and leave him home hysterical with a stranger, if he was clingy.

I would however start trying to cut the apron strings gradually. A 4 year old does not need to be attached to your hip 24 hours a day. Get him used to different people. Is he in school yet?

Original poster
MWNameChange · 22/03/2014 22:40

Yeah I do get that and he is getting a bit less clingy. I just wouldn't leave the house with him really upset. I would rather not go. He has literally just turned 4.

OP posts:
Silkyandmoonface · 22/03/2014 22:40

I'm with you OP. I have a 4yr old and he would hate anyone but family to put him to bed. A stranger (to him) would be a no no.

he never wakes up once he is asleep so I would feel happy that I could put him to bed then relax and enjoy the evening.
I think your friends should be happy that you have gone to the effort and expense of arranging a babysitter in order that you can spend the evening with them. IMO YANBUat all!

I think they are really rude actually to think that everyone should revolve around them.

Annunziata · 22/03/2014 22:40

Maybe I am just cynical but anyone who says they will be 15 minutes late is normally half an hour late...

MegTheCat · 22/03/2014 22:40

You told them you couldn't be there until 8. They then booked for 7.45 - their choice. Like you, I'd have assumed they were happy for you to be 15 mins late. I don't think it's you being rude.

What's the chances, if you change all your arrangements and manage to get there on time, other people will be late anyway?

NurseyWursey · 22/03/2014 22:41

I don't understand why you have to say you'll be 15 minutes late though. Surely if you know in advance that you're going to be late, you'd go out of your way to not be late. Ie, putting him to bed 15 minutes earlier.

Your friend is right, you've had long enough to sort it out so I don't understand why you have to say in advance you'll be 15 minutes late.

mewkins · 22/03/2014 22:42

You told them that you couldn't get there til 8 so if they wanted it to start earlier they should've chosen somewhere closer. Offer to pre-order if they are that bothered.

MiscellaneousAssortment · 22/03/2014 22:42

And of course people without children won't ever be late due to work, traffic, makeup disasters, weather, other half being slow, arguments, drinks after work... Etc etc etc...

But as soon as children are involved everyone has on opinion. Big yawn to them!

Do what's best for you. Fifteen minutes is hardly a disaster.

AgentZigzag · 22/03/2014 22:42

Is your friend normally nitpicky over small things OP?

TheScience · 22/03/2014 22:42

15 minutes? I'd just put him to bed 15 minutes earlier - it's not like he can tell the time. Problem solved!

Original poster
MWNameChange · 22/03/2014 22:42

Not expecting them to change plans for us which is why we didn't make a fuss in the first place. Just hoping they would be a bit more understanding about us being 15 mins late!

OP posts:
Silkyandmoonface · 22/03/2014 22:43

I hate it when people say you're making a rod for your own back.

A horrible - really smug phrase.

You are making things work for your child and your family. being a bit late to a meal out would not be an issue for my (lovely and understanding) friends.
I am not a bit precious with others if they are late for stuff if they can't avoid it and I expect the same in return.

OlympiaFox · 22/03/2014 22:43

Can you not let him stay up late and spend time with the sitter watching a movie or something? Make it a treat; he gets to stay up an extra hour or two, eat chocolate/ice cream/sweets/cake, by the time he's ready for bed he knows the sitter already and will be more comfortable with going to sleep for them (and too tired to stay up).

I do sympathise, dd refuses to sleep unless I lie down beside her until she's conked out. As a result I always have to be here for her bedtime. On the rare occasion that's not possible, I let her stay up, she won't go to bed for anyone (we only have family babysit) and will get hyper if they try so I tell them to let her fall asleep on the couch next to them. She always does - eventually.

It's understandable why they're pissed off with you for expecting them to arrange their birthday around your son, he's the centre of your life, not theirs.

CoteDAzur · 22/03/2014 22:44

Why can't you put your DS to bed 15 minutes early?

OddBoots · 22/03/2014 22:44

When is this happening? Does it happen to be next weekend when it's clock change time? If so could you use that to get him to bed an hour earlier if you wear him out in the day?

NurseyWursey · 22/03/2014 22:44

ate due to work, traffic, makeup disasters, weather, other half being slow, arguments, drinks after work... Etc etc etc..

You don't know about those situations in advance though. They can't be helped. This can.

Original poster
MWNameChange · 22/03/2014 22:45

We will try and out him to bed earlier but he seems hard wired to go to sleep at 7.45! 7.30 will be an early night for him! We have a younger DS too and he couldn't give a monkeys!

OP posts:
TheresAHedgehogInMyPocket · 22/03/2014 22:45

Ok, so your ds doesn't like sitters. I get that.

But It is rude to be late for dinner.

If your ds won't go to bed with the sitter, I would go with the ok, fine, let's sit up and watch cbeebies reruns. He will either fall asleep not he couch eventually, at which point the sitter can carry him to bed or he will still be awake, you can put him to bed when you get in and have a lie in the next day! The very rare super late night for your ds won't hurt.

I have done the above before a few times and the kids have always been fine.

Enjoy your meal! :)

whereisshe · 22/03/2014 22:45

Oh honestly, it's 15 minutes! That's basically on time. What's the fuss over? Two hours late would we problematic, but 15 minutes is fine in the real world.

ThornOfCamorr · 22/03/2014 22:46

I would be very surprised of any of my friends were that picky. Not all of us have children either but would be completely understanding towards each other whatever the reason if we were a little late for something. As for leaving my child upset I just wouldn't do it. We have 3 dd's who have all been clingy and we put them to bed before evenings out or only one of us went etc. it doesn't last for very long.None of them are a problem now,all extremely confident adventurous and very happy. Actually I think it's rubbish that you are spoiling him you are not at all! Go with whatever you feel is right.

Silkyandmoonface · 22/03/2014 22:46

Greenhandsofhome:

I don't think it suggests he's 'tied to the apron strings'!

My 4 yr old has been at nursery 3 days a week since 10 months and now at school full time (since September).

he would still be upset if it were someone other than family doing the bedtime story etc. A fairly consistent bed time routine is normal for most 4 year olds I expect. Not so unusual for them to be a bit upset by a stranger doing it!

NurseyWursey · 22/03/2014 22:47

OP would he know the difference if you told him it was in fact bedtime.. but wasn't? I don't condone lying but a little white lie wouldn't do any harm?