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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not want to leave my distraught DC to be put to bed by a sitter?

228 replies

MWNameChange · 22/03/2014 22:13

So I need to get some perspective on this (have NCd as this could out me):

A friend is having a birthday meal soon and invited myself and DH. When they originally suggested a time at the time of invite, we responded that it would be too early for us but could be out for 8pm. They then sent a generic text to all the invitees saying they had booked a table at a restaurant for 7.45pm - 30 mins drive from us.

We did not say anything else at this point as we did not want to make a fuss, or for them to change plans for us as we assumed they understood we would not be there until 8pm.

We have arranged to share a lift and babysitter with friends who are also going in order to save money - they understand we cannot leave until 7.30pm as our son just will not be put to bed by a sitter and we need to get him in bed ourselves before we can leave the house. He gets distraught at being left so we need to make sure he is in bed first and ok.

The friends who have invited us have now said they are pissed off and think it is rude that we will not be there at 7.45pm as "we have been given enough notice to get sorted".

AIBU to think this is out of order seeing as we are having to fork out for sitter plus drive 30mins to celebrate their birthday and they knew we would not be able to get there any earlier? I'm feeling pretty cross at the moment!

OP posts:
NearTheWindymill · 22/03/2014 22:48

Do your friends have children of their own?

TBF mine are much much older now (they babysit!). I would have had an issue with leaving them with a babysitter they would have felt insecure with if we had been going half an hour away.

DD who is 15 regularly babysits - but she has got to know the families gradually before taking sole charge of bedtimes. Often she will pitch up at supper/bath time while the parents are getting ready and start playing with the dc and engaging them before the parents leave. Is that an option?

TheScience · 22/03/2014 22:48

Whenever we have left DS to be put to bed by a babysitter we have always made clear that if he makes a fuss we are more than happy for the sitter to put a DVD on, feed him cereal and let him crash out on the sofa.

Thetallesttower · 22/03/2014 22:49

I think the birthday people are being really inflexible not you, I'd be delighted if two of my friends got a sitter and came a way away for my birthday and if they were a bit late, so what? I hate rigid plans like this and would rather people were happy but came a bit later.

I have looked after crying 4 year olds and it's perfectly normal for a young four year old to get upset if they get up in the night and mummy or daddy aren't there- not at all the same as the daytime.

If they are fussing over 15 min, imagine their faces if you had to cancel at the last min if your son got a vomiting bug- for that reason, I would swerve this birthday.

CoteDAzur · 22/03/2014 22:49

Set all the clocks/watches to 15 mins earlier. Feed him lunch 15 mins early, bathe him 15 mins early etc. He will go to sleep 15 mins early.

ThornOfCamorr · 22/03/2014 22:51

Children are all different too. Not little robots you can programme to behave exactly as you want. Adults on the other hand can be more flexible.

GreenLandsOfHome · 22/03/2014 22:52

Can you get the sitter over one afternoon before the dinner?

Leave him with her for a couple of hours so he gets to know her. Let her play his favourite game/give him more sweets than he's used to so he thinks she's the best person ever?

For me, having a clingy 4 year old is fairly unusual. I have a 6 and almost 4 year old...they will speak to/play with anyone that looks fun. They'd be more than happy to have a friend put them to bed...and that includes a 'sitter'. Half an hour and a stranger is a friend to them, which is the behaviour i've witnessed in most kids of this age i've encountered, not just mine.

aermingers · 22/03/2014 22:55

A parent of a four year old expecting to be allowed to dictate the time of someone elses meal is rude. It's downright rude, it just is.

Could you imagine if every parent of an under 5 felt they had the right to dictate start times for social events? Nobody would ever go out anywhere unless child free or a pensioner.

They have made their feelings pretty clear on this. The meal starts at 7.45pm. If you can't sort it then don't go. But if you carry on like this you are going to find that invitations will dry up completely.

Original poster
MWNameChange · 22/03/2014 22:55

Urghh I still feel bad! I don't want to be late and will do everything in my power to get him off to bed early but I just know it won't happen and I won't leave him upset! Thanks for the advice all. I know they are not unreasonable to want their night their way, but just feel they are being a bit inflexible. They just have one small baby so don't really know what it can be like yet!!

OP posts:
ThornOfCamorr · 22/03/2014 22:57

They will eventually understand OP!

Neverending2012 · 22/03/2014 22:57

The world doesn't revolve around your child. You're being rude. If you can't get there on time don't go. You really can't expect your friends to organise their party around your child.

Original poster
MWNameChange · 22/03/2014 22:57

I also think it would be rude to not go at all - they are good friends after all. Feel we are stuck between a rock and a hard place.

OP posts:
Annunziata · 22/03/2014 22:57

Is this a reverse?

They have a small baby, and it's their birthday, they take precedent over your four year old's temper tantrums.

GreenLandsOfHome · 22/03/2014 22:58

They just have one small baby so don't really know what it can be like yet

I have a 4 and 6 year old. I'd still be a bit Hmm at someone telling me they had to be late because they must be home for bedtime every night tbh.

ThornOfCamorr · 22/03/2014 22:59

Yes it's difficult to find a balance sometimes OP. Are they very close friends of yours?

NurseyWursey · 22/03/2014 22:59

MWName Like me and Cote suggested, you could alter the time. Get him up 15 mins earlier. Set clocks differently if you have to. Win win?

PrimalLass · 22/03/2014 22:59

Jeez, everyone talking about 'pandering' and being scathing about 4-year-olds being able to cope. Have you had an anxious child? My DS would have been hysterical if I'd left him with a stranger. I could barely leave the house without him when he was 3.

ThornOfCamorr · 22/03/2014 23:00

We all have different children!

ThornOfCamorr · 22/03/2014 23:00

Same as primal.

Original poster
MWNameChange · 22/03/2014 23:02

It might be unusual but that's just the way he is. Between all my friends and us we generally organise to go out after the kids are in bed at 8pm-ish.

No this isn't a reverse. I don't want them to change their plans - just be a bit understanding about 15mins. (When we originally agreed we thought they would book somewhere local - the restaurant is 20 miles away)

OP posts:
ravenAK · 22/03/2014 23:02

I'd get the menu, & ring/email the restaurant, explaining that dh & I were part of the 7.45 party, but would be arriving at 8pm, & taking advice from the restaurant as to whether it's worth your while ordering a starter or if the rest of the party are likely to have finished theirs before you arrive.

Either way, I'd give them my food order so that they can have it ready to come out with those of the guests who are turning up & ordering at 7.45.

OR I'd agree with dh who was going (usually whoever has known hosts longest). Other one stays home with ds. No babysitting expense, no rushing around, no worrying about ds waking up - one of you gets a lovely relaxed night out.

But I'd definitely start working on the 'settling for the sitter' thing; have a couple of nights where you leave him with a friend & go out locally?

You may find he surprises you quite quickly.

SantanaLopez · 22/03/2014 23:04

I think YABU, especially if they have a small baby, they must be dependent on babysitters too.

ThornOfCamorr · 22/03/2014 23:05

Our friends all do the same as you OP

Original poster
MWNameChange · 22/03/2014 23:05

Thanks ravenAK - good practical advice! Will definitely see if we can pre order and work on leaving him in the future. This has just caught us on the hop!

OP posts:
NurseyWursey · 22/03/2014 23:06

Sorry to be a myther, but as you've ignored this, what do you think about the idea?

Like me and Cote suggested, you could alter the time. Get him up 15 mins earlier. Set clocks differently if you have to. Win win?

PrimalLass · 22/03/2014 23:07

Honestly, I just couldn't be friends with people who were arsey over 15 minutes.

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