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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not want to leave my distraught DC to be put to bed by a sitter?

228 replies

MWNameChange · 22/03/2014 22:13

So I need to get some perspective on this (have NCd as this could out me):

A friend is having a birthday meal soon and invited myself and DH. When they originally suggested a time at the time of invite, we responded that it would be too early for us but could be out for 8pm. They then sent a generic text to all the invitees saying they had booked a table at a restaurant for 7.45pm - 30 mins drive from us.

We did not say anything else at this point as we did not want to make a fuss, or for them to change plans for us as we assumed they understood we would not be there until 8pm.

We have arranged to share a lift and babysitter with friends who are also going in order to save money - they understand we cannot leave until 7.30pm as our son just will not be put to bed by a sitter and we need to get him in bed ourselves before we can leave the house. He gets distraught at being left so we need to make sure he is in bed first and ok.

The friends who have invited us have now said they are pissed off and think it is rude that we will not be there at 7.45pm as "we have been given enough notice to get sorted".

AIBU to think this is out of order seeing as we are having to fork out for sitter plus drive 30mins to celebrate their birthday and they knew we would not be able to get there any earlier? I'm feeling pretty cross at the moment!

OP posts:
drinkyourmilk · 22/03/2014 22:28

I babysit for various families and would appreciate what you are doing. I could cope with a hysterical child, but would prefer not to- for the sake of 15 minutes I say stay and put him to bed.

In the future is it worth finding someone who you can use regularly and let your son build a relationship with them?
My families have found me via word of mouth (I look after children with sen generally so have a niche market so to speak), but there are babysitting agencies like sitters who will send the same person each time with notice.

DreamingOfAFullNightsSleep · 22/03/2014 22:29

I think I'd try the run him round all day, put him to bed 20 minutes earlier. I'd be really cross though, its only 15 minutes!!! I'm guessing they don't have dc or if they do, they're easy ones

My childless friends make all sorts of helpful comments like, crying won't hurt them... Might do actually. Read some research Hmm

hillyhilly · 22/03/2014 22:29

I'm going against the tide as I've had to use babysitters a lot. IMO a four year old is old enough to have the concept and reality of a babysitter explained and to get to know said sitter.
As others have pointed out, the child could wake up, what then?

RufusTheReindeer · 22/03/2014 22:30

So you skip the starter, big whoop

It's an adult having the party, as an adult I realise that things get in the way of arrangements

TeaAndALemonTart · 22/03/2014 22:30

Put him to bed at 7 and hope he doesn't wake up or the sitter will end up putting him back to bed anyway.

ThornOfCamorr · 22/03/2014 22:30

People are a bit late for things all the time,I really don't see what the big deal is.

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 22/03/2014 22:30

Any chance at all you could see a menu in advance (restaurant website, maybe?) so your order could be put in at the same time as everyone else? That way you'd still arrive slightly late, but it won't throw the meal/restaurant out.

RockPaperScissorsLizardSpock · 22/03/2014 22:31

Don't go. They are pissed, you are pissed. Doesn't sound like it will be much fun now anyway. Not worth the stress.

I'm feeling negative though so you should probably ignore me Grin

AgentZigzag · 22/03/2014 22:31

A good host wouldn't be so anal about their guests turning up 15 minutes after the time they'd been ordered to fit with hooby.

GreenLandsOfHome · 22/03/2014 22:31

I don't think 'pandering' to a child of 4 does much good tbh.

I can remember my sister being 3/4 and going nuclear whenever my mum even stepped onto the doorstep. So she didn't go anywhere without her, with the comforting thought of 'Oh well it's a stage, she'll grow out of it'.

She didn't grow out of it because she never had to. She is now 14 and still throws a tantrum if my mum dares to go shopping/on a night out without her.

Get your dc used to you leaving him. Leave him with his dad, go out just for half an hour every day without him, take no notice of tantrums etc.

MrsDeVere · 22/03/2014 22:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Owlysims · 22/03/2014 22:32

I have to agree with the posters about the baby sitter...my dd is 3 and I wouldn't leave her with a babysitter that wasn't a friend of the family/family I trusted but each to their own I suppose.

Also she is fine being left but if she wasn't regardless of the person I think it's cruel to put her to bed to then perhaps wake up, realise you've gone and have no idea who the person is you've left. Again only my opinion.

In response to your original aibu to be 15 mins late, no I don't think so I'm always late/have people be late for me and it doesn't bother me most my friends have kids/hectic lives and things get in the way!!

Original poster
MWNameChange · 22/03/2014 22:32

I really don't mind not going - we just can't get there before 8pm. We tell our DS he has a baby sitter and he's ok with that if he knows he's going to be asleep. He's unlikely to wake up after that. I don't expect people to change their plans for me but I do expect friends to be understanding. Perhaps we would be better cancelling but I don't think that would go down well either!

OP posts:
Annunziata · 22/03/2014 22:33

Annuziata - the restaurant is a 30 min drive and we are sharing a lift with friends. Are you suggesting one of us stays behind and pays for a 20 mile cab journey??

No, I am suggesting that you don't leave your son with a stranger if he gets that upset, because he will go really mad if he wakes up.

One of you should stay behind, the other should go.

ThornOfCamorr · 22/03/2014 22:34

I wouldn't feel like going! You sound like a lovely parent and a good friend OP.

RiverTam · 22/03/2014 22:34

my 4-year-old has never been babysat by a stranger, and has rarely been put to bed by anyone other than me or DH (grandma once). That's just the way things have turned out - we can't afford paid babysitters, and in fact it's pretty rare that we're both out together.

15 mins is surely neither here nor there - everyone will still be on first drinks, no-one will have ordered. So YANBU.

puddymuddles · 22/03/2014 22:35

I think your friend sounds unreasonable. You wont enjoy it anyway as you will be worried about your son. I wouldn't bother to go.

Annunziata · 22/03/2014 22:35

We tell our DS he has a baby sitter and he's ok with that if he knows he's going to be asleep

Do you do this often then? No wonder they are cross!

Original poster
MWNameChange · 22/03/2014 22:35

When I say stranger - I mean someone we have used before but only when he is asleep.

OP posts:
GreenLandsOfHome · 22/03/2014 22:35

Am I really alone in thinking 4 is quite old to refuse to be left with someone else?

Surely getting him used to being left is a good thing? NOT going out is not the answer IMO. Rod and back spring to mind tbh.

NurseyWursey · 22/03/2014 22:36

Could you put him to bed earlier?

He's 4, that's old enough to understand that mum and dad are going out and they'll put him to bed a few minutes earlier than normal and accept it.

You can't continue with the dictating, like mrsdevere said.

However I would expect your friends to be a bit more understanding, however they probably feel that at 4 your son should be able to cope and that you could be there on time.

Original poster
MWNameChange · 22/03/2014 22:36

Do what often Annuziata?

OP posts:
NurseyWursey · 22/03/2014 22:36

We tell our DS he has a baby sitter and he's ok with that if he knows he's going to be asleep

Confused You're making a rod for your own back methinks.

ThornOfCamorr · 22/03/2014 22:37

I think 4 is still quite little actually.

morethanpotatoprints · 22/03/2014 22:37

I wouldn't have gone out if any of mine had been distraught, you just wouldn't.