AIBU to not want to leave my distraught DC to be put to bed by a sitter?

[MWNameChange]

So I need to get some perspective on this (have NCd as this could out me):

A friend is having a birthday meal soon and invited myself and DH. When they originally suggested a time at the time of invite, we responded that it would be too early for us but could be out for 8pm. They then sent a generic text to all the invitees saying they had booked a table at a restaurant for 7.45pm - 30 mins drive from us.

We did not say anything else at this point as we did not want to make a fuss, or for them to change plans for us as we assumed they understood we would not be there until 8pm.

We have arranged to share a lift and babysitter with friends who are also going in order to save money - they understand we cannot leave until 7.30pm as our son just will not be put to bed by a sitter and we need to get him in bed ourselves before we can leave the house. He gets distraught at being left so we need to make sure he is in bed first and ok.

The friends who have invited us have now said they are pissed off and think it is rude that we will not be there at 7.45pm as "we have been given enough notice to get sorted".

AIBU to think this is out of order seeing as we are having to fork out for sitter plus drive 30mins to celebrate their birthday and they knew we would not be able to get there any earlier? I'm feeling pretty cross at the moment!

Well you said the time you could be there for. You have a valid reason for that. If they choose to book earlier then thats their problem. If they wanted you to be there right at the start they should have booked it a bit later.

Hi Nursey - don't think I've ignored you. Have said we will try to get him to bed earlier. Will definitely get him up earlier too.

It's worth a try OP, he wouldn't know any difference and there wouldn't be any bother from either side then. Also might come in handy in the future until he's ready!

I just couldn't be friends with people who were arsey over 15 minutes.

(disclaimer, I have had wine)

OP and her DH are also being arsey over 15 minutes though- how it is soooo much hassle for them to get their wee one to sleep and everyone else normally goes out later.

They're pissed off because you're going to be 15 minutes late? That's ridiculous. Anyone could be 15 minutes late just because of bad traffic, or a crisis in childcare. I don't know anyone who would be pissed off at that; there'd be no problem with any of my friends until 45 minutes at the least - and then we'd be more likely to be a bit worried than annoyed.

Very precious of your mates imo.

I am surprised this would actually matter in a good group of friends and I feel lucky to not ever have to worry like the OP! Someone is always a bit late nobody cares.

If you have an unusual 4yo then I must have an utterly bizarre circle of friends and acquaintances. Surely it is normal for a 4yo to be upset about being left with someone they don't know, especially at bedtime?

I babysat not long ago for a friend's 5yo. I've known this child since he was born, I see him regularly and he knows and likes me, but I had never put him to bed before. He cried hysterically when his mum left. Didn't last long and he went to bed fine but I wouldn't like to leave my dc crying like that with someone they didn't know.

I have a 4yo myself and she would be very unhappy being left with a stranger at bedtime.

My DD is 3 and went through a clingy phase. She's not so bad at the moment, and she's had babysitters on the rare nights we've both been out.

I went the route of getting babysitter to arrive early, sitting with us at tea and helping with all the routines leading up to bedtime. DD knows her bedtime routine fairly well so when we put our coats on and said we were leaving her with the babysitter she was fine. However, I fully appreciate that some children don't work like that.

It might be worth getting the babysitter to come early and do all this anyway as next time they won't be someone so unfamiliar with the routine?

However, your friends are being unreasonable. You're going to be 15 minutes late. I'd be surprised if they'd have even got their drinks orders in by then.

Just say you'll be there on time, arrive late and blame it on the traffic.

I know Thorn - this has never been an issue for us before. We do go out quite a bit and it is the general understanding between us all that we work around the kids. Hey ho - maybe just one of us will go this time and then no-one needs to get upset.

Try doing everything 15 mins earlier the previous day as well to help get him adjusted to go to bed 15 mins earlier on the evening of the party?

How do you cope with the autumn 1hr clock change?

I wholeheartedly sympathisize with you not wanting to leave an anxious child, but if he is OK with a sitter in principle, I would have thought that bringing your routine back just 15 mins should be possible.

It's not unusual is it? None of my friends would leave their child crying and we have all had slightly clingy children either at bedtime or other times.

Yes OP then politely decline next time! Seems daft to me.

Do you mean to sound so passive-aggressive? Maybe they are working round their baby. You are trying to work round yours. It's not always going to work, doesn't mean there's a right and a wrong.

What's the OP said that's passive aggressive Santana?

Bit weird to say that Santana!

Passive aggressive? Really??

Nursey, some kids just have great internal clocks, though, and no amount of bullshitting will convince them that bedtime is 15 mins earlier than it really is.

I know a few kids like this - their parents have tried all kinds of strategies with no joy. Clocks going forward and back is a nightmare at theirs.

Thankfully my DS isn't that bad, though he's pretty routine driven at 2.

OP, honestly, I do think your friends are being a bit arsey particularly as you told them before they booked about your time constraints. MN has this weird thing where to some people, being the hosts gives you carte blanche to be a thoughtless git and put your needs above your guests'. Kind of the opposite of how I was raised to be a host.

The reason I find them inflexible is that I don't think I've ever been on a night out with loads of friends to a restaurant and they've all turned up at the same time! I am an early one, always on time, but people drift in and sometimes people come from work/later/putting kids to bed and might even be a whole 30/45 min late or even later, they just join in at whatever course we are still on. I can't say a meal that has to start at a certain time sounds relaxed enough to be a fun evening.

I cannot imagine this situation in rl.

We do go out quite a bit and it is the general understanding between us all that we work around the kids.

Sounded passive aggressive to me

Reading a bit too much into it I think.

Imagine if everyone worked around their children though. You couldn't go for a meal. There'd be people coming in dribs and drabs all night

Not PA just explaining how it's always been in the past so hasn't been an issue for us before! Never really had to think about leaving him to be put to bed by a sitter other than family.

Dunno, OP seems determined to work only around her child. All of my friends have kids, so we are all on a time limit and need people to be there at the same time.

Nice and relaxed in my neck of the woods. We are all flexible and it works.