AIBU to think sil has no claim?

[CbeebiesIsMyLife]

When dh was 5yo he started a coin collection. He bought some, others were gifted to him and when he was 10 his brother and sister gave him their collections. (It's important to point out tey are 10 years older than him so were 20 years old and adults)

Dh's brother died a few years back.

Dh's parents have recently discovered this coin collection in their loft along with school books, toys, memory boxes etc and gave it all to is to sort out. It's been a real memory lane for dh who had forgotten all about the things he treasures most as a child!

We found out these coins are worth between £50-£200 each and are contemplating selling them (money could be handy v's memories and handing them on to our children)

Sister in law has said that we have to sell them and she wants half of the worth of the coins. She feels that the value should be split equally between her and dh despite the coins also coming from their brother.

Dh and I think she has no claim to the value of the coins and they are ours to do as we wish. She gave them up when she was an adult.

So mumsnet, who is right? Does 50% belong to sil? Should it be 1/3 or should it be nothing?

The DH remembers the coins being given to him quite willingly. However, this SIL sounds like exactly the sort of person who would deny this, and instead claim that ( for example) all the siblings had equally valuable coin collections which became jumbled when stored in PIL loft. Best to sort it now.

I have read the thread, thanks. I understand that the SIL legally has no claim on any of the coins or their sale value. However, that doesn't mean that she accepts that . Being in the wrong and having no legal claim on the money does not always stop people dragging disputes through legal channels, especially when inheritances are concerned.

Bil and sil liked to be the same (I mentioned they were twins) and ha to have everything similar, so there are a few coins (I haven't actually seen the coins in the collection btw) that are the same or similar so dh knows they came from bil and sil.

This might explain her angst - it is probably a twin thing. It must be particularly hard to lose a twin, probably not the same as losing a regular sibling. She may be placing a lot of importance on it psychologically. Perhaps offer her both the coins that are similar? Just a thought.

Goodness, she sounds hard work!

May I enquire as to what type of coins these are, that are worth £200? Just in case I have any lying around...

horsetowater

he told sil this morning and tried to give back the coins she gave him. She refused, went home in a huff and said when we do sell she is entitled to 50%

No twin angst there, just a greedy, spoilt brat.

She is absolutely not entitled to 50% of the value of a 60 coin collection of which 4 coins were once hers.

horseto she maintains to this day that she was the worst affected by bil death and no one else has a right to be as grief stricken as she is.

Personally I think loosing your husband at 26 years old or turning off your 27 year old sons life support machine comes pretty close. As for dh, he was 16, and bil died suddenly and tragically. Bil was his world and his idol, there have been many times when he's needed or wanted his big brother to turn to over the years.

You are more than welcome to buy into the twin angst argument, as his parents have done and have babied and spoilt her because of it, but it doesn't wash with me. Everyone lost someone they cared deeply for that day, it was traumatic for everyone involved regardless of the twin thing.

I would have a lot more empathy for her if she wanted the coins back as a reminder of a special time together.

The fact of the matter this isn't about memories but money.

"I would have a lot more empathy for her if she wanted the coins back as a reminder of a special time together"

This is a great point. If it was "oh I remember what fun we had making sure we had the same coins, if you are going to sell yours would you mind if I had BIL's and mine?" I think that OP would be reacting very differently!

I would still tell her to take a running jump.

And wtf re your sofa? Stop pussyfooting around this woman. You're heavily pregnant, sorry you need a comfy seat. Ad what's with the perfume? You spray it once that's it. Tell her to stop.

How old is this woman? I think you have bigger problems that the coins to be honest.

The coins which all belong to your dh by the way. Just ignore her like you would a toddler, that's how she's behaving

Pimp, I agree there are bigger problems, however pil have pandered and spoilt her and babies her and allowed her to become this selfish monster who always gets her own way (I could tell you many many stories that would leave your mouth hanging open in disbelief at the levels of her selfishness) but putting your foot down isn't easy when dh is so used to coming 2nd and his thoughts and feelings being ignored. He tries but at times it's worse than having a toddler around (we have a 2 and 3 year old we know how to deal with thoes. ) she's an adult and should know better.

Just give her her own coins back. She can choose to keep them or sell them.

"She refused, went home in a huff and said when we do sell she is entitled to 50%."

Fuck her then. It's lovely that your DH wants to pass them on to the kids, and I'd bet they will love them for the meaning and the memories, not the money.

Personally I'd sell and very much look forward to her trying to claim 'her' 50%, but I like a fight

As for the sofa thing, tell DH she's not welcome in your house unless and until she behaves like a civilised person. Why doesn't he back you up?

Put 'hers' in an envelope with a note:
'Here are your coins back, and your brother's, as I can see why you'd want those. Would you mind if I kept one in memory of him, to pass on to our kids?'

You offered her the coins she gave back, she refused, HER PROBLEM not yours.

She is being well out of line on this, if she wanted their worth in cash could she not have sold them instead of gifting them.

I would send the coins to her via Registered post with a letter letting her know that this is what she gets and explain that if she cannot be part of the solution then she is the problem. Express that you hope that you can all move forward from this in a positive manner for the sake of family feeling. Keep a copy of the letter just in case she bares her grabby teeth.

well great!!!

you offered to return her coins. she refused. end of story!

and i agree with your dh, get it written into the will that she has no claim on it.

Time for DH to put his foot down.

Extricate yourself from having this toxic cow in your life.

As your BIL was married, it might be a nice gesture to pass on to his wife the coins which originally belonged to him, making it clear that BIL had given them to his young brother but your H recognises that they may have sentimental value for his wife.

That would be an ideal opportunity to attempt to return the coins which were originally SiL's (again). It would be churlish beyond belief for her to then continue to insist on a sale and her 50%, but if that's the case your H can re-iterrate that he won't be selling so is happy to keep her gift if that's what she prefers.

Just because your il pander to her doesn't mean you have to. Just a toddler figures out what they can get away and who with, so will she.

She's not getting the coins and in your house, your rules, no more perfume! And sod her, you sit wherever you want to.

Poor expat! I don't blame you for shouting. This must be one of the top examples of TFT not being R of all time. (Though there have been ones with unhappier results - this is fortunately relatively trivial, barring the brother's untimely death - but for sheer persistent non-FTR it takes the .)