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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think sil has no claim?

218 replies

CbeebiesIsMyLife · 22/03/2014 18:18

When dh was 5yo he started a coin collection. He bought some, others were gifted to him and when he was 10 his brother and sister gave him their collections. (It's important to point out tey are 10 years older than him so were 20 years old and adults)

Dh's brother died a few years back.

Dh's parents have recently discovered this coin collection in their loft along with school books, toys, memory boxes etc and gave it all to is to sort out. It's been a real memory lane for dh who had forgotten all about the things he treasures most as a child!

We found out these coins are worth between £50-£200 each and are contemplating selling them (money could be handy v's memories and handing them on to our children)

Sister in law has said that we have to sell them and she wants half of the worth of the coins. She feels that the value should be split equally between her and dh despite the coins also coming from their brother.

Dh and I think she has no claim to the value of the coins and they are ours to do as we wish. She gave them up when she was an adult.

So mumsnet, who is right? Does 50% belong to sil? Should it be 1/3 or should it be nothing?

OP posts:
ChasedByBees · 22/03/2014 20:14

She does sound grabby! I think you have the best solution. There's absolutely no way she has claim to half the collection. Even the 4 coins she gifted is generous of you (not that she'll recognise that).

catsmother · 22/03/2014 20:15

This "keeping the peace" thing bemuses me ...

.... so basically, if someone makes unreasonable demands you do what they want so they don't strop. How can that be right ? It's like saying we should all back down to people who shout the loudest and threaten unpleasantness if they don't get their own way.

I've given stuff away in the past and have later regretted it - either because subsequently those things would have been useful and/or would have raised some much needed money if sold and/or I realised too late they held sentimental value for me. However, if you give something - and it's not under duress - then IMO, you relinquish all further claims. I have never so much as hinted that I wanted anything "back" ..... if I effectively "cocked up" years ago then it's my tough luck. And I have learnt to think a bit longer and not be so impetuous.

The SIL is completely out of order IMO.

dellybobs · 22/03/2014 20:16

Well who's to say her coins are the profitable ones? She gifted them so they are no longer hers! Maybe your dh can give her a token amount. It sounds like more of the coins belonged to him anyway.

Personally I wouldn't think of them as hers but it may cause a bit of family friction.

ravenAK · 22/03/2014 20:19

I'd give her her coins back if dh can identify them - what she then does with them is her business.

Coins dh collected, or his late db gave to him, never belonged to her & have absolutely nothing to do with her.

I'd just stick hers in a jiffy bag & hand them over, then look politely bemused if she ever raises the subject again.

Although if you don't actually need the cash & dh is ambivalent about selling them, I'd possibly keep the rest for any of your own dc in case they take an interest at some point. Or at least tell SIL that's what you're doing, & then quietly reconsider ebaying them when she's forgotten all about them.

expatinscotland · 22/03/2014 20:20

Give her the coins back to or row, telling her, 'We're not auctioneers.' And that's the end of it.

She is not entitled to ANYTHING else.

She doesn't want to sell them, she can throw them out a window for all it's worth.

Cheeky bitch.

HopefulHamster · 22/03/2014 20:22

Somewherebeyondthesea But WHY give her half? She didn't even collect half of the coins in the first place? she gave them to the DH when she was 20 and he was 10?

Best way is definitely to give her four coins back and say 'here you go'.

As someone above points out, you probably won't get full whack for them anyway.

expatinscotland · 22/03/2014 20:22

NO giving her any fucking money because her bullying arse demands it.

What catsmother said.

Northernlurker · 22/03/2014 20:28

How unpleasant she sounds. I would sell them all, give your bill's widow a nice present and ignore sil.

eddielizzard · 22/03/2014 20:32

in light of new information, i now would not be giving her anything.

i totally agree with catsmother. voice of wisdom. and i've thought that for years actually.

LuciusMalfoyisSmokingHot · 22/03/2014 20:36

If your DH doesnt wanna sell the coins, then he shouldnt, give SIL her coins back and 2 of BIL and that is all, they are his coins and he should be able to decide when he sells them.

Split 50/50 my arse. Why should someone who put effort into collecting something, sell them and part with half, because some grabby bugger, wants them too.

LondonNinja · 22/03/2014 20:37

Another who agrees withcatsmother.

Bloody ridiculous cow towing to bad behaviour to 'keep the peace'. Bugger that.

She should stop spraying her stinky perfume in your house, too!

MyNameIsKenAdams · 22/03/2014 20:45

Id take out the coins that SIL gave him. Give her those to do as she wishes and he keeps the rest. If she wants the cash value for them then she can fuss on with the buyers.

Flappingandflying · 22/03/2014 20:55

I would keep the coins for a while at least saying that they are part of your dc inheitance and you are keeping them possibly to pay for uni fees for the future. Given that there are no other children she's going to look very grabby if she makes a fuss about that. If you decide to sell in the future, just keep very quiet about it. Alternatively, give her back her three or four coins now. Given that the liklihood is that your children ay well inherit from her and are the most likely people to have to deal with her when she is elderly and possiby infirm and in need of care I think you need to keep waters smooth.

FabBakerGirl · 22/03/2014 21:02

But they weren't giving them to him out of generosity so he hasn't benefitted from their generosity.. They didn't want the coins anymore and weren't interested in them.

I would tell her to bog off. She is being a demanding mare insisting he sells them. I don't respond to bullies by doing what they tell me and neither should he.

She is interested in them now they are worth something Hmm.

Great Auntie she is. Wants money off you, stays in your house, pulls age rank over a bloody seat and begrudges you a meal out Hmm. Lovely.

FabBakerGirl · 22/03/2014 21:03

Flapping why does the OP have to keep everything smooth in case the grabby woman needs them to look after her? Hmm

WhereYouLeftIt · 22/03/2014 21:21

Bloodyteenagers "If you are feeling generous, she would be reminded that they were a gift originally and she would be asked what other gifts will she be demanding back so you have heads up.. Has she given anything for the children? SHe would be asked if that will also be demanded back in 20+ years."

^^ This.

I find it quite shocking that she's demanding this of you. I would be telling her to take a hike. and as for "she's come round today not letting me sit on my sofa as she's older than me therefore needs a comfy seat ... I'm 33 weeks pregnant, with a difficult pregnancy, spd and a baby who is threatening to come early" - words fail me. I would do nothing for this woman. Absolutely nothing.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 22/03/2014 21:24

By the actual fuck should you give into her unreasonable demands just to keep the peace?

She did not give a flying fuck about keeping the peace when she made the demands

Inertia · 22/03/2014 21:37

Did she sit on the entire sofa ? Depriving a heavily pregnant woman of a seat is pretty mean.

I agree with the suggestion of giving her back her original coins. Yes, they were given to a child from an adult but the fallout is probably not worth it. If she wants the value she can organise the sale herself.

Did BiL have children ? If so it would be a kind gesture to pass on the coins which were given by him. If not , either pass them on to PIL or split with SIL.

ENormaSnob · 22/03/2014 21:40

Wouldnt give the stupid miserly bitch the steam off my shit.

NurseyWursey · 22/03/2014 21:41

Well said ENorma

Caitlin17 · 22/03/2014 21:41

I'm really not persuaded it's unreasonable to give her something if the collection is going to be sold.

For those of you who think differently, would you still say that if say one of the coins she had given turned out to be the numismatic equivalent of a Penny Black and was worth a small fortune?

Wouldn't you think in those circumstances it's bloody good luck she found it in the first place and mum and dad didn't throw it out, let's share; or would you think it's bloody good luck she found it, mum and dad didn't throw it out and even better luck it ended up with me and I'm keeping it.

EeeIcouldCrushAGrape · 22/03/2014 21:45

Right. If I'm understanding correctly, then your dh's brother and sister willingly gave their collection to your dh when they didn't want them any more and thought they were just getting in the way and a bit 'of junk.'
Now it's been found out that they are actually worth something and now they want the money. Even though they gave them away, ie - not theirs any more.
It's technically not theirs any more, so you're free to do as you wish. It's YOUR DH's property. Not theirs.
You can either keep it all between yourselves, or share it between the other siblings out of generosity - depends how much you want a rift to ensue, I suppose if they're being snotty about it! Even though they don't really have any entitlement at all as they gave it away.
As I say, depends how you want to play it. Is entirely up to you and if you can live with family feuds.

FrequentFlyerRandomDent · 22/03/2014 21:49

Mm...

reading the OP alone, I thought the parents, who stored the collection when no one was interested in it, should keep the money.

Reading the rest of the thread, I am starting to think that returning the relevant coins to SIL may be the best option.

Viviennemary · 22/03/2014 21:49

I think they have some claim on the coins. Morally speaking if not in law. The children of your DH's brother and your sil.

bedouincheek · 22/03/2014 21:51

I am astounded that anyone is saying give her anything. After hearing she is so self absorbed as to deny you a seat in your own home in your condition (or f EVER!) she sounds as though she is a right piece of work. Self absorbed, still living at parents and not contributing fairly, earning a decent wage, yet thinks she is entitled not only to the few coins that are no longer hers, but also the coins both her brothers collected. The greater issue is saying no to someone who seems to think she is the most important person in everyone's lives. I hope your husband is strong enough to stand up to her and not sell if he doesn't want to, not give in to her demands of any compensation for her own 'generosity', and generally tell her to f do one when she acts like a princess in your home. Good luck.