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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think sil has no claim?

218 replies

CbeebiesIsMyLife · 22/03/2014 18:18

When dh was 5yo he started a coin collection. He bought some, others were gifted to him and when he was 10 his brother and sister gave him their collections. (It's important to point out tey are 10 years older than him so were 20 years old and adults)

Dh's brother died a few years back.

Dh's parents have recently discovered this coin collection in their loft along with school books, toys, memory boxes etc and gave it all to is to sort out. It's been a real memory lane for dh who had forgotten all about the things he treasures most as a child!

We found out these coins are worth between £50-£200 each and are contemplating selling them (money could be handy v's memories and handing them on to our children)

Sister in law has said that we have to sell them and she wants half of the worth of the coins. She feels that the value should be split equally between her and dh despite the coins also coming from their brother.

Dh and I think she has no claim to the value of the coins and they are ours to do as we wish. She gave them up when she was an adult.

So mumsnet, who is right? Does 50% belong to sil? Should it be 1/3 or should it be nothing?

OP posts:
rabbitlady · 22/03/2014 19:36

they gave him their collections therefore they are his. not theirs.

LongTimeLurking · 22/03/2014 19:36

Is she taking the piss? She gifted away 4 or 5 coins 20 years ago and now she wants half the value of the entire 60 coin collection. No chance.

Give her 5/60 of the value or the 5 coins back.

LongTimeLurking · 22/03/2014 19:37

^And that is only to keep the peace as I don't think she has any moral or legal right to even that.

Jolleigh · 22/03/2014 19:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Jolleigh · 22/03/2014 19:44

What on earth? Wrong thread obviously!

morethanpotatoprints · 22/03/2014 19:44

Give them to pil, they can sell them and do something nice for the family with the money.
Surely, they can't be that rare that they are worth that much.

eddielizzard · 22/03/2014 19:46

i that case i would give her her 3 or 4 coins back.

chesterberry · 22/03/2014 19:46

I think if it was me and I found out that I had given something I thought was worthless to a sibling and then later found out that it was worth something I would want some of the money should my sibling choose to sell it. I don't think I would force or pressure my sibling to sell, but I would take the stance that I probably would not have given it away had I known it was worth a lot. I wouldn't mind my sibling keeping the item but would be annoyed if they sold it and didn't share it, although I accept that may be unreasonable of me.

If your DP doesn't want to sell but wants to keep the collection then I don't think he is being unreasonable at all, but I do think he would be unreasonable to sell them and not give his sister anything. But I certainly don't think she should be entitled to half, she has no claim to the coins given by BIL. Even a third sounds generous if she only have 5/6 - if your DH knows which coins he was given by his DSis the easiest thing might just be to give her back those coins to do what she wants with and then keep the rest of the collection.

Finola1step · 22/03/2014 19:47

Your DH probably legally owns all the coins as his brother and sister were adults when they have him the coins and so knew what they were doing.

That said, to keep the peace, I would tell her that you are not sure if you are selling the coins as you are considering passing them on to your dc. Give her back her original coins and half of the brothers. Then declare the subject closed. What you then do with the coins is up to your DH.

VelvetSpoon · 22/03/2014 19:49

This is why my mother told me she was glad her family grew up with basically no money or possesions, to avoid endless arguments over what belongs to who etc.

It's a windfall. Give her the bloody coins back to sell, or sell and split the proceeds. Neither side comes out of this particularly well, you both sound grabby and entitled.

Possibly worth bearing in mind had your DH's parents been like the parents of quite a few of my friends, all this stuff would've been chucked out as soon as he stopped living there, and then there would be nothing to sell or squabble over!

drnoitall · 22/03/2014 19:51

Split the money. If they have been in the loft for 10 years then no one could have wanted then very badly.
Respect your dh brother and split the money.

Caitlin17 · 22/03/2014 19:52

I'm confused as to who gave what. By sister-in-law you mean your husband's sister? Not the widow of your husband's brother?

If I've got that correct then I think she has a moral claim on the coins she gifted. Your husband's siblings gave him the coins because he liked collecting coins. It was the having the coins that was important. If they turn out to be valuable and it's now no longer having the object itself which is of interest it seems fair to share the sale proceeds.

twofingerstoGideon · 22/03/2014 19:54

I would share, personally. Or at the very least give her 'her' coins and half BiL's.
I do agree with Velvet, though. All parties sound a bit grabby and entitled.

NurseyWursey · 22/03/2014 19:55

Why the hell should he give them back? She gave them as a gift years ago. Now she's learned they're worth something she feels she should get something from it? No chance! Had she not been so presumptious I would have been tempted to give her something to be nice, but not with her making demands she has no right to

inabeautifulplace · 22/03/2014 19:56

"I think if it was me and I found out that I had given something I thought was worthless to a sibling and then later found out that it was worth something I would want some of the money should my sibling choose to sell it."

So you're happy to give worthless things to your siblings, but if there's a chance that the gift might appreciate in value, then your gift becomes a loan?

Jolleigh · 22/03/2014 19:56

I don't think the OP or her DH sound grabby at all.

Does wanting to keep hold of your own possessions make you grabby?

I was gifted some jewellery by an adult relative when I was a child. Wanting to keep it for myself doesn't make me grabby.

Original poster
CbeebiesIsMyLife · 22/03/2014 19:59

Diddl, we weren't given a chance to offer or even think about it!

The thing is he doesn't want to sell them herself. She doesn't want the coins back, she just wants the value.

I think we're going to give the coins back and leave it at that, decide at a later date what to do with the rest of the collection. (Dh is really insure about selling as some of tem are very sentimental to him)

And yes sil is usually grabby, demanding and difficult with money so I'm never sure if I'm being unreasonable or not! (Add to that she's come round today not letting me sit on my sofa as she's older than me therefore needs a comfy seat, has been spraying her awful purfume around the house making me feel sick and just generally being difficult all round. I'm pissed of with her today and wasn't sure if that was clouding my judgement! - have I mentioned I'm 33 weeks pregnant, wih a difficult pregnancy, spd and a a baby who is threatening to come early? She's also staying the night so dh and I are off out on a rare date night and left her to baby sit, which she isn't particularly happy about bit I just can't stay in the house with her any longer! Blush)

OP posts:
SirChenjin · 22/03/2014 20:02

It's not grabby to want to benefit from the sale of your own posessions - what an odd way of looking at it.

DH has a stamp collection - many of them were gifts from his family when he was younger, and funnily enough he was going through the albums the other night, first time in years he's looked at them and it turns out that some of them are quite valuable. If his sister suddenly decided that she wanted 50% of the proceeds from a collection which now appears to be valuable she would be told to do one.

LondonNinja · 22/03/2014 20:02

She sounds like a grabby mare. They're not hers and it's not fair of her to ask tbh.

Caitlin17 · 22/03/2014 20:07

I don't think either side come out well. Usually when you give any one a present you will know its value. The coins were gifted with out the donors knowing they would become valuable. They were given to a child who was interested in the coins as objects not their value.

The donee now has no interest in the coins other than what the will fetch when sold so offering to share would be nice. The late brother's share should offered to the parents if the late brother had no spouse or children. It's an unexpected windfall which has arisen because everyone played a part- big sister and brother presumably got OPs husband interested, he built up on their collections and parents stored the collection. The only person who didn't contribute anything is the OP.

HopefulHamster · 22/03/2014 20:07

YANBU.

I can't believe anyone is saying split it three ways/halfway, I can only assume they haven't read properly. They gave them to the husband when he was TEN! You don't ask for a gift like that back 20 years later. It's completely nuts. Sell, don't sell the coins, but they're yours.

At most, give her the actual 3/4 coins back but don't sell them on her behalf - will she even make the effort to sell them herself?

SomewhereBeyondTheSea · 22/03/2014 20:08

I'd split it with her 50/50 and let her do as she likes with her half.

SomewhereBeyondTheSea · 22/03/2014 20:10

oh and stop having her over when you don't want her there.

Roussette · 22/03/2014 20:11

Sorry I haven't read the whole thread but can I just say - I have quite a lot of old coins and whatever you have googled and found they are worth you do not get that value - they will not be worth as much as you think (I am just saying this in case you are thinking of paying anything out to your SIL)

diddl · 22/03/2014 20:13

"She doesn't want the coins back, she just wants the value."

Well that's a bit tough if you decide to give her the coins back, isn't it?

How did she find out that the coins were worth anything?

I mean it's simple really.

You either give back or not, entirely your decision.

But as for selling them on her behalf or selling the whole collection because she's decided that she's entitled to 50% well that's just being a mug, isn't it?