To think people without fertility problems should not give advice to those with fertility problems however well meant it is?

[Moonfacesmother]

My heavily pregnant friend came over last night. She does not know we have been ttc for 18 months and have had one failed ivf cycle. However she told me about a close friend of hers who I also know although not very well.

My heavily pregnant friend (hpf) said that she said to this poor woman who has been ttc for four years and is about to start ivf the following:

'I said to her it's probably because you need to relax. Book yourself a dirty weekend and get drunk and I bet you'll get pregnant. I wasn't bothered if I got pregnant or not and I got pregnant first cycle so I think if you just don't worry about it it will happen.'

This is exactly why I have not told people about our problems! I was somewhat annoyed on behalf of our mutual acquaintance.

Aibu to think that people should just not say anything like this?! If you've been ttc for 4 years it's unlikely to require you to 'just relax.' My hpf spoke as though she was some sort of fertility guru.

[starsandmoonandback]

Hun...I know what you mean! Although, I've had a child (second ivf cycle) but i'd still never say that to another person! It's like saying that because my last 5 cycles have failed, it's not meant to be, I don't deserve it!!

[BlackeyedSusan]

presumably a lot of people were quite relaxed about ttc at the beginning anyway and still did not get pregnant.

you get a lot of the first-thing-that-comes-out-of-their-mouth-without- -engaging-brain advice in all sorts of circumstances.

[starsandmoonandback]

Maryz, omg 'get a cat'?! Did someone seriously tell you that? Unbelievable!

[starsandmoonandback]

Blackeyed. Made me laugh

[TestingTestingWonTooFree]

Maryz it was quite irresponsible of you not to have shared the "get a cat" advice earlier on!

[Blondeshavemorefun]

Relax. Have lots of sex. It will happen etc

The amount of times I have been told that by friends who are mums

Total bullshit - I have had loads of sex and relaxed in the last 7yrs while ttc and didn't happen

And most of my friends children tho much loved were not planned and only the 2 who had ivf actually understand how each month your heart breaks when AF arrives most unwanted again :(

And if going private as no nhs free ivf then shelling out £5/7k per cycle isn't going to relax you either - coz you are thinking how am I gonna pay it back

And def won't be getting a cat as severely allergic ......

[EugenesAxe]

I think Beedles article is brilliant. I'm pissed off with the amount of vitriol going ikea's way though. Read the article, ikea and it will tell you that your ski holiday was not the reason you got pregnant. If you (fair enough) feel you cannot gainsay 'scientific research' that lends weight to your beliefs, I think you will find it more persuasive an argument that may make you think twice about quoting the former. I still think you have every right to talk about what happened to you as an example of hope.

Struggling to have children must be the worse thing and my initial thought was that the OP's friend was a tit. I'd be feeling more tense if nothing had happened for even three or four months, and that's nothing it seems. I'll take away the advice on here though.

[TestingTestingWonTooFree]

Selfish Maryz, very selfish. At least you've come clean now.

[starsandmoonandback]

I have a dog, but no cat......hmmm scratches head perhaps that's where I'm going wrong

[Inertia]

I can see where you're coming from Moonface. Perhaps the answer is to point out the stupidity of the comments in the hope that people can be educated about the actual causes of infertility. Infertility is such a personal and emotional issue that those with problems are understandably reluctant to talk about - after all, why should anyone's pain serve to educate the wilfully ignorant ? But I do think that ignorant comments (like the one your friend made ) actually need a very direct response.

I also got annoyed when repeatedly told to relax ( in my case the problem was repeated miscarriages). And I did argue with family members who tried to insist that my lack of relaxation was the cause of my miscarriages.

[Moonfacesmother]

Nah stars I have a cat and I'm still not with child.

[starsandmoonandback]

Argh dammit! Thought I'd found the answer!