To think people without fertility problems should not give advice to those with fertility problems however well meant it is?

[Moonfacesmother]

My heavily pregnant friend came over last night. She does not know we have been ttc for 18 months and have had one failed ivf cycle. However she told me about a close friend of hers who I also know although not very well.

My heavily pregnant friend (hpf) said that she said to this poor woman who has been ttc for four years and is about to start ivf the following:

'I said to her it's probably because you need to relax. Book yourself a dirty weekend and get drunk and I bet you'll get pregnant. I wasn't bothered if I got pregnant or not and I got pregnant first cycle so I think if you just don't worry about it it will happen.'

This is exactly why I have not told people about our problems! I was somewhat annoyed on behalf of our mutual acquaintance.

Aibu to think that people should just not say anything like this?! If you've been ttc for 4 years it's unlikely to require you to 'just relax.' My hpf spoke as though she was some sort of fertility guru.

[VeggySausage]

Also people forget that initially.... you were relaxing! Very few people start with IVF, you start the old fashioned way and after months of trying and then years... yes you do stress!

[ikeaismylocal]

When I got pregnant the IVF Dr didn't quite believe it, he did a really early scan and when he saw the little blob on the screen he said "I would have put money on you not being pregnant, it goes to show how well taking a break from ttc works as a fertility treatment" he said that it isn't uncommon for women to get pregnant right at the last minute.

I know there is no easy way to relax on command, I wastold to relax when ttc many times and I saw that it was valid ( all be it bloody hard to follow) advice.

I think that if you don't want advice then don't make your ttc issues public. Very few people need to know that your experiencing fertility issues. If you choose to tell your friends then don't be annoyed if they offer advice.

I had friends say things much worse than just relax. I had one friend who has multiple children and relies on benefits tell me she was pissed off government money was being spent to help people have babies when she could do with more money to support her ever growing brood and drink habbit another friend said "oh, maybe your just not comparable, have you thought about finding a different dp?"

[Kewcumber]

Good point veggie... I was very very very relaxed, having lots of sex, without contraception in my 20's with my then partner without a single conception. Mind you I never went skiing so I think that's the answer.

From now on I'm going to suggest anyone ttc goes skiing.

[Kewcumber]

have you thought about finding a different dp?" actually thats not bad advice. Better than "do you want one of mine, ha ha ha ha"

[cloggal]

YANBU, although I should say I'm someone who only conceived after 2yrs TTC on the first month I chucked the ovulation sticks, bbt, agnus castus... And I've told people that, not because they need to 'relax' (I wasn't bloody relaxed, I was pissed off!) but because these things do happen and when you are TTC it feels hopeless. I also felt like no one who had a child or was pregnant understood, whereas maybe many of them had struggled too.
YADNBU to tell them where to stick unwanted advice, though.

[namechangesforthehardstuff]

If you don't want people to say fucking stupid things then don't tell them you have problems? Really ? Or maybe people could think before they talk shit to someone who's having a bad time?

[cloggal]

^^ should say in my post I've never told that to anyone going through IVF, more just people who've asked what 'worked' for me as people knew we were trying.

[VeggySausage]

I tried for 3 years to get pregnant. I had 2 rounds of clomid and then decided not to do the third one and yes, went on holiday.

I didn't do third round because dh wanted me to not ruin the holiday with the clomid mood swings and sex on demand.. fair enough.

We got pregnant.. now some people will say that was because we "just relaxed" but isn't it really likely that the fact that I had a normal menstrual cycle because I had just induced 2 proper menstrual cycles with clomid and progesterone the previous cycle? I hadn't been having any periods previously.

[minipie]

YADNBU

In my case it definitely wasn't relaxing that got me pregnant, it was being put on thyroxine. I could have relaxed and skied all I liked and I wouldn't have got pregnant while my thyroid was massively out of whack.

ikea I'm glad you got lucky but your experience doesn't make it true for others.

[EllieQ]

YANBU!

I hate the 'just relax' advice. Firstly, as a PP has said, I was relaxed for the first year - didn't even really keep track of when I was likely to be fertile, just stopped taking the pill and waited to see what happened.

Two years and a referral to a consultant later, and I found out last week that I have high FSH, low egg reserves, and am likely to have an early menopause. IVF is the only option, bar a miracle. Relaxing isn't going to change any of that :(

[cloggal]

Similar situation to me veggy, mine had stopped and if had a round of clomid, and another tablet to 'jump start' my cycle again - was due to go back to doctor and in a fit of pique chucked all the other stuff a month before the appointment because I couldn't deal with it any more. Not likely to be relaxing! :) Glad you did conceive in the end.

[paxtecum]

Sorry, but I think the pace of life these days denies most people any chance to relax.

There are many natural therapies and nutritional supplements that can help many women to conceive.

IVF is big business these days.

BTW I took 12months to conceive DD1 and 3 years to conceive DD2.

I didn't know much about nutrition and natural therapies 30 years ago.

[Moonfacesmother]

I'm off to book myself a skiing holiday.

And yes we were relaxed at first and it still didn't happen!

[Moonfacesmother]

Also our problem is male factor fertility.
So I'm not sure it matters how relaxed I am.

[MummyPigsFatTummy]

Doctors do talk shit sometimes don't they? They peddle this relaxing crap too because they see a few women get pregnant just before/after one or more rounds of IVF. But what about all the hundreds and hundreds of women who don't get pregnant after they have given up IVF? If it was a cure surely it would work for everyone?

And the adoption advice (from parents with 2 or 3 bio kid's conceived by winking at each other in an erotic fashion) is my fave. So Mr/Mrs Fertile, if adoption is that easy and you are so concerned about all those children out there needing a home, that the infertile are too selfish to care about, why didn't you do it then?

[MummyPigsFatTummy]

at random apostrophe

[HadABadDay2014]

Sitting on the 'pregnancy seat' in the office don't work either.

[Kewcumber]

Mummypig - I assumed it was a stray sperm rather than a random apostrophe

[Kewcumber]

Sitting on the person who got the "pregnancy seat" people pregnant might work though...

[ikeaismylocal]

I think part of our problem was that we were never truly relaxed. Dp has had failed IVF attempts with his ex and I knew that my fertility was far from optimum so we started ttc all guns blazing assuming the worst.

The cycle I got pregnant was the first cycle we'd had unprotected sex without tracking ovulation or non ovulation as the case so often was and having scheduled sex.

[dylsmimi]

Definitely agree YANBU. I hated the relax advice and also the "why don't you just go on holiday - the sun will help?!! In that case where were the 3 holiday babies that should've been there before ds1?
i think it is upsetting but often a case of speaking without thinking.
my friend was telling me how "absolutely desperate" they were for a baby followed by "we will start trying properly after our wedding"! Lots of deep breathes to not say that she was hardly absolutely desperate and rey after all the fertility tests and months and months of poas and nothing. Then maybe you are absolutely desperate not "i would really want"
good luck op i hope it happens for you soon

[PotatoesPastaAndBread]

YADNBU
There's nothing like someone saying "relax! Relax!" To stress you out.
My personal pet hate is tje endless stories of friends and acquaintances who struggled to get pregnant but just as they got referred / just started ivf / just went on a skiing holiday before starting ivf and got pregnant unexpectedly.
All you are doing with these tales is reminding me how many other people have managed to get pg when I haven't. They do not make me feel better.
Grrrr rant over!

[givemeaclue]

Relaxing is not a known fertility cure. If it was, wtf would anyone go through Ivf. People who start Ivf and then get pregnant naturally , it is not because they relaxed. No spa day, Skiing holiday or fortnight in the Bahamas can get you over physical fertility problems. It basically says that infertility is all in the mind. Aghghghg. My dh had no sperm, how can relaxing solve that????!!!! Hate the type of shit ikea is spouting

[ikeaismylocal]

The positive stories gave me hope when ttc, I almost obsessively searched forums and blogs for stories where people had become pregnant with simalar problems to us. Maybe that is why I'd share my story if a friend told me they were struggling to conceive.

We were pretty open with how long it took to conceive ds so any friends who talk to me about fertility issues know I have personal experience. It would seem a bit odd if I just said "I'm sorry to hear about that, I hope you get pregnant soon"

[nokidshere]

I started TTC when I was 22. The advice I had from others - including my very fertile sisters who had 12 babies between them varied from the sublime to the ridiculous. Along with parents of 1 child moaning to me about being unable to get pregnant with their 2nd - after 3 months of trying! After 15 years of fertility treatment and 2 years of coming to terms with never being a parent I fell pregnant naturally at the ripe old age of 39. And again 2 years later.

So then I became one of those irritating stories that people trot out to their friends - "well you know nokids, she tried for 15 years and then got pregnant without help, it happened to her so it will probably happen to you".

People are ignorant, stupid or just blathering because they don't know what else to say. All should be ignored and pitied.