To think people without fertility problems should not give advice to those with fertility problems however well meant it is?

[Moonfacesmother]

My heavily pregnant friend came over last night. She does not know we have been ttc for 18 months and have had one failed ivf cycle. However she told me about a close friend of hers who I also know although not very well.

My heavily pregnant friend (hpf) said that she said to this poor woman who has been ttc for four years and is about to start ivf the following:

'I said to her it's probably because you need to relax. Book yourself a dirty weekend and get drunk and I bet you'll get pregnant. I wasn't bothered if I got pregnant or not and I got pregnant first cycle so I think if you just don't worry about it it will happen.'

This is exactly why I have not told people about our problems! I was somewhat annoyed on behalf of our mutual acquaintance.

Aibu to think that people should just not say anything like this?! If you've been ttc for 4 years it's unlikely to require you to 'just relax.' My hpf spoke as though she was some sort of fertility guru.

[starsandmoonandback]

Argh dammit! Thought I'd found the answer!

[Moonfacesmother]

Nah stars I have a cat and I'm still not with child.

[Inertia]

I can see where you're coming from Moonface. Perhaps the answer is to point out the stupidity of the comments in the hope that people can be educated about the actual causes of infertility. Infertility is such a personal and emotional issue that those with problems are understandably reluctant to talk about - after all, why should anyone's pain serve to educate the wilfully ignorant ? But I do think that ignorant comments (like the one your friend made ) actually need a very direct response.

I also got annoyed when repeatedly told to relax ( in my case the problem was repeated miscarriages). And I did argue with family members who tried to insist that my lack of relaxation was the cause of my miscarriages.

[starsandmoonandback]

I have a dog, but no cat......hmmm scratches head perhaps that's where I'm going wrong

[TestingTestingWonTooFree]

Selfish Maryz, very selfish. At least you've come clean now.

[EugenesAxe]

I think Beedles article is brilliant. I'm pissed off with the amount of vitriol going ikea's way though. Read the article, ikea and it will tell you that your ski holiday was not the reason you got pregnant. If you (fair enough) feel you cannot gainsay 'scientific research' that lends weight to your beliefs, I think you will find it more persuasive an argument that may make you think twice about quoting the former. I still think you have every right to talk about what happened to you as an example of hope.

Struggling to have children must be the worse thing and my initial thought was that the OP's friend was a tit. I'd be feeling more tense if nothing had happened for even three or four months, and that's nothing it seems. I'll take away the advice on here though.

[Blondeshavemorefun]

Relax. Have lots of sex. It will happen etc

The amount of times I have been told that by friends who are mums

Total bullshit - I have had loads of sex and relaxed in the last 7yrs while ttc and didn't happen

And most of my friends children tho much loved were not planned and only the 2 who had ivf actually understand how each month your heart breaks when AF arrives most unwanted again :(

And if going private as no nhs free ivf then shelling out £5/7k per cycle isn't going to relax you either - coz you are thinking how am I gonna pay it back

And def won't be getting a cat as severely allergic ......

[TestingTestingWonTooFree]

Maryz it was quite irresponsible of you not to have shared the "get a cat" advice earlier on!

[starsandmoonandback]

Blackeyed. Made me laugh

[starsandmoonandback]

Maryz, omg 'get a cat'?! Did someone seriously tell you that? Unbelievable!

[BlackeyedSusan]

presumably a lot of people were quite relaxed about ttc at the beginning anyway and still did not get pregnant.

you get a lot of the first-thing-that-comes-out-of-their-mouth-without- -engaging-brain advice in all sorts of circumstances.

[starsandmoonandback]

Hun...I know what you mean! Although, I've had a child (second ivf cycle) but i'd still never say that to another person! It's like saying that because my last 5 cycles have failed, it's not meant to be, I don't deserve it!!

[hunreeeal]

It's always the people who've had children already who assume it was "meant to happen" for them but not for someone else, isn't it?

[starsandmoonandback]

My favourite (worst) was said by someone who'd been through Ivf to get her child (her second go) - 'if it's meant to happen, it will happen'. I mean WTF is that meant to mean? Basically, I'm not meant to have a child??? It's not 'meant to be'??!

[hunreeeal]

"Everything happens for a reason" and "stay positive and it will happen" are both very annoying too!

[Devora]

Jeez, I hope there's nobody out there stupid enough to start the adoption process in the hope it will get them pregnant. Fortunately, they'll soon discover that the social workers want to be assured they are using contraception...

[sadsaddersaddest]

I was coming to say YABU because it is silly to suggest that only people who have undergone IVF should be allowed to have an opinion about it, but your friend's "advice" was ignorant and insensitive.
My best friend and her husband cannot have biological children and are trying to adopt. She has lost count of the number of well-meaning people who have told her that as soon as she has an adopted child she will fall pregnant naturally.

[AngelaDaviesHair]

Thanks, Kandy. I talk far too much and eat too many of the communal biscuits, but I like to think I get the big things right.

[Slainte]

YANBU I also hate when someone says/said "I just know you're going to have your baby" - No you fucking don't!!!

[Littletabbyocelot]

Thanks Ohfour I did very much want an ocelot when I was a child & still think they are amazing. I got a tabby cat instead, which with hindsight was much better.

I think they meant it as a huge compliment. Which I suppose goes to show you can't always anticipate how what you say will be received.

[ikeaismylocal]

kandy do you mean change my mind about what I believe helped me become pregnant or change my mind about sharing my experience with friends who are experiencing fertility issues?

[Kandypane]

Ikea ain't changing her mind by looks of it