To think people without fertility problems should not give advice to those with fertility problems however well meant it is?

[Moonfacesmother]

My heavily pregnant friend came over last night. She does not know we have been ttc for 18 months and have had one failed ivf cycle. However she told me about a close friend of hers who I also know although not very well.

My heavily pregnant friend (hpf) said that she said to this poor woman who has been ttc for four years and is about to start ivf the following:

'I said to her it's probably because you need to relax. Book yourself a dirty weekend and get drunk and I bet you'll get pregnant. I wasn't bothered if I got pregnant or not and I got pregnant first cycle so I think if you just don't worry about it it will happen.'

This is exactly why I have not told people about our problems! I was somewhat annoyed on behalf of our mutual acquaintance.

Aibu to think that people should just not say anything like this?! If you've been ttc for 4 years it's unlikely to require you to 'just relax.' My hpf spoke as though she was some sort of fertility guru.

[ikeaismylocal]

I think that you are surely passionate about whatever you felt worked for you. If I hadn't got pregnant that month and I had become pregnant after IVF I would likely tell my infertile friends that I believe short protocol or transferring 5 day blastocysts was fabulous as that is what resulted in my baby. I don't believe and I have never stated either here or when speaking with my friends that taking a break/relaxing works for anyone. I have a friend who's dp has azoospermia, I wouldn't dream of suggesting they relax, but friends who have fertility issues that are not incompatible with hope I would mention what I think worked for us.

I have pretty alternative friends, most of the advice they give me is too woo so I don't think they'd be offended by me sharing my experience.

[ohfourfoxache]

Reading TFT - yes, relaxing can help. But it can only help in terms of assisting your state of mind. Any form of fertility problem is, or has the potential to be, utterly stressful. Holistically it is important to care for "whole people" and recognise the emotional impact that a fertility problem has.

However, although relaxing and trying to be kind to yourself will help on one level, it won't necessarily result in a bfp and it's very wrong to suggest that it will.

[LifeisFuckingGreat]

ohfour yes I agree the problem is fuckwits spouting thoughtless platitudes not people like you who actually have sensitive valuable advice to offer. Add to that space, time, empathy, bags of understanding and support and that'd be pretty perfect.

[ohfourfoxache]

Life I agree entirely. But just to add to your list, a sense of not truly truly understanding what someone in that position is going through, and not pretending that you do. For those without a fertility problem that seems like the blinking obvious, but even for those "in a similar boat" there are variations, such as how you feel within your relationship, family support (or lack thereof), even whether or not you are going to have tests and how easy or difficult these are to instigate.

I think that's one thing that really irritates me about healthcare - the fact that we try to lump people together in boxes. It is so important to understand individual need

[BeedlesPineNeedles]

I read a great article on the statistics of long term ttc and "relaxing" here

And just to add I got a BFP this week after nearly 3 years of trying - not because I relaxed but because I had a frozen embryo transferred from our 2nd IVF cycle (both fresh cycles failed). I'm fairly certain that our fertility drs never suggested we relax, though I think the GP might have done when I first tried to get referred for treatment

[ohfourfoxache]

Beedles that's WONDERFUL news!

Congrats!

[Whatutalkinboutwillis]

After 10 years of infertility and 6 Ivf resulting in 1 child we finally adopted ds2 this year. Apparently I will get pregnant right away now I have adopted!!! So many people have told me anyway

[BeedlesPineNeedles]

Thanks :o
Though to add to the relaxing idea, my DP thinks that he produced a better sample 2nd time round because they let him do it at home rather than at teh hospital, so he was more relaxed. I think that it was improved because of all the vitamins I had been forcing down his throat, but who knows which of us is right. Maybe we both are. But I don't think he finds having sex with me as stressful as producing a sample on demand in a little room at teh hospital :o

[Marylou62]

I have a very very good friend who is TTC. Its been 2 years. I am at a loss what to say/ask. And I have been told that I am very easy to talk to. There was a thread here recently...something like this....

If you ask...I will hate you
If you don't ask I will hate you
If you get pregnant I will hate you
If you tell me to relax/give me ANY advice I will hate you
But mostly if you don't seem to care I will hate you.

This is a very emotive subject and all I can say is...if they are a good friend you will have to forgive them for speaking out of turn. Otherwise friends will stop talking about ANYTHING in case they say the wrong thing.
I was a carer for a child I loved who died. I was told that they didn't understand why I was so upset as I knew this would happen and was only a job. They were a good friend and I chose to let it go.
And I TTC for 18 months so know what I am talking about. I wish you all the luck in the world. and sending virtual hugs. X

[wintertimeisfun]

i agree with you totally OP, refreshing to read. best of luck to you btw :)

[wintertimeisfun]

ikea i think you mean well but i am finding your posts really fucking annoying to read. you come over a bit smug and trying too hard to be a knowledge and expert on stuff. being told when ttc to relax is fucking annoying, up there with being told to smile when you are pissed off. i told loads of people when i was ttc as i am an open person, it wasn't an invite for all and sundry to stick their two penneth in and give me advice. if i want advice i will ask for it. i don't give advice either unless i am assked come to think of it.

[MissHobart]

Even my best friend who knows about ttc for 15 months and 2 mc's told me to "relax" as that was why I wasn't getting PG, and also why I had mc's.

Anyone who hasn't been through it just cannot understand, this is the mantra that I say over and over in my head when people are "advising" me!

[MissHobart]

My other friend is brilliant, she just gives me a cuddle and says it's awful and that she's sad for me going through it and gives me a shoulder to cry on! Support, tea and sympathy are better than advice! She understands that I've researched advice myself and have probably seen/heard it all before!

[MissHobart]

Mary Lou - just say "it's shit you're going through this and while I don't understand I'm here for you as a shoulder to cry on, someone to rant to, and bring you cake!" It'll be much appreciated!

[eurochick]

ikea if your story means that relaxing helps you get pregnant, mine means that being as stressed as hell helps.

We started off pretty relaxed for the first few months, as most people do. And then the investigations started and it got more stressful. But over the next couple of years we had plenty of relaxing holidays where we got tipsy and dtd loads (no skiing though - perhaps that is where we went wrong). Not a sniff of a BFP. And then we embarked on IVF and I found it horribly stressful. I hate hospitals. I hate being knocked out - I completely freak out coming round to the extent that the anaethetist decided to keep me awake for subsequent procedures after seeing it. It was hugely distressing. By far the most stressful part of our ttc journey. My first round gave me my first every BFP (although I sadly went on to mc). So by your reckoning, I should be telling everyone to put themselves through whatever they find most stressful and horrible and that should do the trick. BTW, we were unexplained so there was no physical barrier like no tubes meaning natural conception was impossible.

[deakymom]

this is why i try to be careful who i talk to i am extremely fertile and i wish i could share/find out why i am!

funny thing is though while ive been around people who have fertility issues and get pregnant they seem to get pregnant too my friend had been trying for years got to the oh well stage i got pregnant (by accident within a couple of months she did! its happened since which is why no one shares my seat anymore!

yanbu we should all keep our advice to ourselves!

[GreenerthanGrass]

YANBU. I lost count of the number of times I was told to RELAX after 4 years of ttc. We we were lucky and ivf worked first time, but eight years later (we are not ttc but not not iyswim) there is no sign of a second pregnancy. I couldn't be more relaxed about it (often have no idea about dates!) I don't think stress makes any difference to my fertility.

That said stress can effect your body in a lot of different ways and who knows what it might do to some people's fertility. There are probably a few people for whom it has played a role (but then why didn't they conceive in the first 6 months BEFORE they were stressed? !)

[VeggySausage]

MRsdevere, that's exactly what you should do! :)

be there, don't say anything silly and be kind to the person. That's all that's needed

[Freyalright]

YABU, I think that fertile health professionals and fertility professions should be allowed to give advice.

Plus I don't think you should censor people. You have the right to not like it but not to shut people off. I still want to give an opinion on racism, for example, even though I am not effected by it personally.

Why not express that you don't like it to the individual and they should respect that.

[TillyTellTale]

I dunno why, but I've just been re-reading the OP, and have this burning need to find Moonfacesmother's heavily pregnant friend, and tell her she is an idiot.

I want to explain to her about anecdata, and her poor quality extrapolations, and ask her if this stunning inability to grasp the difference between healthy organs doing what they're supposed to, and organs not doing what they're supposed to, extends to everything else in the sphere of health.
Would she tell someone with a broken leg that she found it easy to walk, so they should just have a go?

I'm not even infertile, afaik, so I'm not quite sure where this rage has come from.

How do people with infertility cope with being infertile and hearing stupid comments about it, without strangling the commentators?

[Kasterborous]

It's like people were constantly asking me 'have you started your family yet' or 'when are you going to have children'. actually I would love a child but I've had six miscarriage you arsehole was my preferred response, but I never actually said it.

I'm sorry for all of you who are having trouble conceiving, it's very hard to have to listen to peoples 'advice' especially when they haven't been through it themselves.