...to ask how you knew you wanted DC?

[pinchpunch]

I want them (haven't yet had any) but can't explain why. Something to do with feeling strongly that I want to create a secure, loving family of my own.

Other people's babies are cute and it's nice to play with them for a while, but I don't come away desperately broody. Not yet 30 and not really at a point in my life where I can see myself having any in the next year or two, but would like to think by 35 at least.

So, assuming some level of decision making/planning is going to go into this (appreciate there are things you just can't control), and knowing that it is not easy, how did you come to the conclusion that it was the right thing for you?

Did you ever consider that you might not have any? And if you didn't have any... what would you do with your life? Realistically.

Thoughts appreciated!

I'm not bothered by people who have children. That's up to them. I've worked in admin for a Local Authority Childrens Services department. I understand parents/families can go spectacularly wrong.

I'll let parents get their perks, as I've already listed, whilst calling me selfish for not having children.

I just don't get the deal with people who act like they are the first person in the world to have a baby.

Frankly it is parents who need to GROW UP.

Ghetto - it's an obvious point but as one of your earlier posts appeared to ask, in effect, why bother with kids at all, just bear in mind that those for whom you believe you're 'paying' now in terms of tax, benefit, free nursery places will be paying for you in the future - their tax will pay your pension, fund your healthcare when you're older. It's the cycle of life whether you choose to reproduce or not.

Well, lets hope those babies grow up and live 'till the age of 18 or over and are always fully employed, pay tax and never leave Britain.

My Dp wanted kids. I wanted to give him those kids.

The key thing was wanting a little part of both of us and watching it grow. She's beautiful and I'm glad I changed my mind on initially not wanting children.

Ghetto - you really are a little ray of sunshine!

I just always presumed I would have them. Never enormously broody but enjoyed cuddling other people's babies when given the opportunity. Also love animals and would no doubt have many of them if children hadn't happened for us. Having a little part of you growing up, watching them learn and amuse you is priceless. The lack of sleep is unbelievably shit something of a challenge.

BigPaws you should write a book about that - I'd read it

I didn't really think about it - just kind of always assumed that i would have them but didn't feel particularly broody - not before the first anyway. Dh and I starting ttc a few months after we got married, mainly because we were both 30 and based on siblings experience thought it might take a while. Of course it happened straight away, which was great. Felt more broody after dd was born and ds arrived not long after!

I am 30 and pregnant with my first (and quite possibly only) child. I was always undecided about children, not exactly thinking "if it happens, it happens", but more "if we find ourselves in a position where it seems like a child could fit into our lives, then let's think about". My husband and I decided last summer that now would be a good time, tried for about 5 months and now I'm 5 months pregnant. I don't think I would be doing anything hugely differently in my life if I wasn't planning on having a child, I am a PhD student and am hoping to go into lecturing eventually. It's a difficult and competitive field to get into, whether or not you have to take a baby into account, but that's the plan at the moment. I'm sure it will have some sort of limiting effect on my potential career, but broadly speaking my goals haven't changed.

I've been with my DH since the age of 19 and that age, we were so careful about the dreaded possibility of getting pregnant that we took double precautions. As the years went by, we had a couple of 'alarms' - at the age of 23 when the possibility arose, we discussed it rationally and agreed that if it were to happen, we could probably manage ok at this age - but would prefer if it happened later.

Anyway, eventually, before we got married, we had another chat (I had been advised by a wise soul that it's very important to have a formal chat about babies before you get married, and that you really ought to be on the same page before you get married). And we both agreed that we saw it at some point in our future.

We started trying a while later - basically because there was nothing stopping us. We had set things up well in life - home, career, friends, family, community support network, level heads, compassionate hearts - that it seemed a good time to give it a go. But there was no maternal, hormonal, primal urge on my part.

That urge came only after 16 months after trying and failing. In that whole period of trying, I was more sad and frustrated and angry at my pathetic body than anything else. But I remember a certain day, 16 months in when I finally felt it - that is something I WANTED, I desperately WANTED.

And would you believe it - I was a few days' pregnant at that point.

I know one of the things that torments people trying to decide in their mid or late 30s is whether in ten or twenty years, when the option is gone, they will desperately regret not having had a child when the possibility was there. I don't know anyone myself in this position - who could have had/tried to have a child but chose not to, and now regrets it - but would be interested in hearing from anyone in this position.

Is it a real issue for some people, or just a sort of bogeyman used to frighten the ambivalent?

I remember - when I was trying to decide whether to try to have a child - reading one of the Narnia books (The Magician's Nephew, I think, which featured a magic bell with a hammer, and a rhyme that dared passing strangers to strike the bell and deal with potentially dangerous/marvellous consequences 'Or wonder till it drives you mad/What would have followed if you had.' Daft, but it struck home at the time, because you are trying to decide about something impossible to know the reality of until you've done it.

It just seemed "right" - it's hard to explain. I was in my early 30s, settled with DP (now DH), not partying as much as I had in the past, just ready for a new phase of life, I suppose. There was a gap in my life.

We both knew we wanted children, although it hadn't been discussed much. Funnily enough, we both wanted three, which we were lucky enough to have.

Sure I do miss the happy-go-lucky childfree days, when I could come and go as I pleased, and spend money selfishly, but my life would be so different if I wasn't a mum. I also think ahead to my old age, when I want to be surrounded by a family.

Why, hootloop?

Sorry, I'm responding to an earlier post in which hootloop said she would find it 'incomprehensible not to have children at my age' (31) - I was wondering what exactly she meant. Presumably there are all kinds of reasons why even someone who wants children might not have them at any particular age...?

Burren when I was in my late 20s I worried that I would end up in that position - that the broodiness would never kick in and I would have to try to decide in my 30s whether to have a baby without really wanting one, or risk regretting it later.

Luckily I got broody about 31 so the issue never arose. I do know people who have been in that position though. I think in general they have decided to go ahead and had a baby and have not (as far as I know) regretted it. It's a hell of a gamble to take though.

As I recall, striking the bell just so as not to "wonder what would have happened if you had" turned out to be a really stupid thing to do, didn't it?

I think I wanted children in a 'that looks a great thing to do - how hard can it be?' kind of way.

Well, I found out how hard, but it has been great!

I didn't think I wanted children either and I've never been fascinated at all by other people's children or have even felt broody. But I married at 30 and when we bought our first home I too had this feeling that something was missing. I. Had a decent education but just moved from one dead end job to another. I did lead quite a good life before I was married I was never ambitious except I wanted to travel, own my own home and go to uni and I'd done all that by 21. We didn't ttc straight away after marriage but we lived in not a very nice area, then we moved abroad and started a business and it just feels right to start a family I know now that I'll feel really unfulfilled if I don't. I'll love my kids to bits but still have no interest in everyone elses

my son was not planned and by the time i found out i was pregnant i was already extricating myself from the oddball that i had conceived with. that line on a pregnancy test did not change how i felt about the oddball but i did instantly know that i wanted to have the baby.

there was no deliberation or considering an abortion (and i'm not anti abortion and had had one when i was younger), i knew i would keep the pregnancy and i was so happy to be pregnant even though it hadn't been planned.

i didn't tell my family till after the midway scan at 6 months as i really didn't want to hear any negativity or have it tarnished with naysayers and doom mongers and so chose to present it as a done deal. by that point i was desperate to let my bump out in the world and rather sick of huge jumpers and people trying not to mention how much 'weight' i'd put on

i had my son when i was 31, he turned 7 the other day and i have never regretted it despite ups and downs and periods where it's been hard going.

i started out not wanting children and then being very two-headed about it and not sure. i was thinking about it the other day and it's as if my son was meant to be born, there was no question, i just knew i would keep him.

I just always did. When I was younger I wanted to be in a big close family with lots of brothers and sisters, with traditions, and doing things together, and...oh, all sorts of things I guess. That wasn't what I got, so I suppose in some way I wanted to create that for myself with my own children.

I always wanted to stay at home and take care of my children and house. So that's what I do. :)

I know quite a few people who are voluntarily childless. We both seem equally happy with our lot. It just depends on what you want out of life.

growing up I never really thought of myself having kids, I met my partner at 16, then at 18 when I were supposed to be starting university it just suddenly hit me - id had enough of studying (gcses & a-levels) and just going along with what my family wanted me to do - I didnt want to go to uni, I wanted to be a mum and start my own family while I were young with the possibility of studying later on in life. so at 19 I had ds1, then at 22 I had ds2 and giving up studying to have my boys was the best decision I have ever made

I agree with the poster above who said people with kids never seem very happy. I'm 32, ambivalent about having kids, DP is very anti-kids and to be honest the more I look at those with the children and the more I read on MN the more miserable parents seem to be!

They're tired, they fall out with their partners, they get very uppity about silly things like car parking and other people's smoke, they never seem to go anywhere in the evenings or weekends... I accept I'm generalising but it seems to me as a childless person that there are a lot of cons and not very many pros.

I know time is not on my side for having kids so I ask myself a lot if it's something I should consider before it's too late. I have never had that big ticking clock that other women seem to get but I hope it doesn't decide to turn itself on when I'm too old!

I always wanted children but I wonder if that's because of the influence of growing up in a large, noisy, extended family. We were around babies from a young age, changing nappies and being the big cousins. And I knew full well that if I couldn't conceive naturally I would want to adopt, be it alone or with a husband.

I think mine just felt like a biological urge, not something I could explain but I didn't want children young, I wanted to go and travel, life my life, make mistakes and spend my money before the "next phase" - I'm now 34 and about to pop out baby #2 and I love my family beyond anything that can be explained.

But I'll be totally honest (and I'm aware that my circumstances have allowed this), my life hasn't been "totally turned upside down" by children. I still have lie ins, I still spend plenty of time drunk and/or hungover (in a non-alcoholic way, just lots of fun times out), I still go on girls' weekends, I still behave like an idiot, I still spend money on myself and I still buy expensive shoes and handbags. In fact, the only thing I probably don't do compared to my younger years, is go to nightclubs but that's purely because my ability to hold my booze has been seriously compromised in the past few years

I don't do these things in a desperate attempt to hold on to my previous life, I'm very much a grown up, have a mortgage and take my responsibilities very seriously but I think DH and I are lucky that we were able to remember the people that we were before we had children.

Some of the unhappiest people I've met, are those who have had children and then revolved life around those children instead of remembering that they are adults and people in their own right who have desires and wishes. You don't have a lobotomy the minute you have children and you shouldn't lose sight of who you are and your wishes and desires in the process.

I don't think my life is really that much different to friends who don't have children through choice.

chrome you are absolutely right that life with DCs, especially really small DCs, is a lot less comfortable than life without. Lack of sleep, very little free time, a lot less money, a lot more mess.

In return for this fairly short term pain however, I get (1) some really lovely joyful experiences that are completely unique to having DCs and (2) the long term benefit of having older children and family life, rather than 50 more years of life as just a couple which (to me) seemed like it could get boring. For me those were good enough reasons. For someone else they might not be.

There are definitely a lot of cons, I'm not going to lie. Once a child is in existence - and especially once they are old enough to be a real little person - you can't wish them away, but I have found it very hard having a child, especially in the early days (we had an unusually difficult time with DD). If I hadn't been sure I wanted DC it would have been even harder to get through those days I think.

chrome you're still plenty young - see how you feel at 35.

I don't think I've 100% decided yet that I do want children. Which is a bit of a concern given I'm nearly 5 months pregnant.

I got to a point where the fear of not having children became greater than the fear of having them. When forced to confront the prospect of not having children I've known deep down it was something I wanted, but never quite yet - I always thought a time would come when the bloodiness took over and it never hit me like that. I just got past 35 and thought 'damn we're actually leaving this a bit late now'.

I do adore friends' kids and am incredibly jealous of the bond they have with them, but in no way envy the exhaustion and stress and everything else that goes with it. The thought of what is coming towards me is truly overwhelming, in all senses good and bad.

Plate

make your mind up!